to be in a state of panic over new housemate's text?

[JammyGem]

Moved into my new place just over a month ago - a friend of DP.is.the only other housemate, who's been here several years. He's been on his own in the house for about 7 months before I moved in.

He and DP always seemed to get on well, but HM's racist remarks and constant jokes about DP's nationality, as well as jokingly questioning everything he does has started to get on his (and my) nerves.

HM was away weekend just gone, and admittedly I should have asked him before hand, but seeing as he was away, the LL lives hours away, and I'm quite forgetful, I got a spare key and gave it to DP just in case I got myself locked out. I think when he came round last night he might have used it to get in, I'm not sure, I was upstairs.

HM has just sent me a text message saying that there's no easy way to say it but he wants to talk to me about a few things later. Now I'm panicking about what I could have done, whether it's not letting DP around so often (he's here nearly every night, but HM knew that was likely when he let me move in, and as I say, they're friends, but maybe he is annoyed about that) or whether it's about the key (I meant to take it back off of him more HM is back, truth be told) or whether it's something to do with cleaning, although I do all my washing up and keep everything clean and tidy, although sometimes leave the stuff drying and put it away the next day, but HM does that too.

I'm terrified for what I've done wrong. It took me ages to find any place that would let me keep my cat, and if things don't work out here I'll have to move back in with my parents, who live the other side of the country, give up my job, studies, and probably lose DP in the process.

It's so pathetic but I'm sat here crying trying to think of all the things it could be and I'm convinced he's going to kick me out. It wasn't really working with him anyway as he annoys me a lot but I knew without anywhere else to go I'd just have to put up with it.

[Wideopenspace]

Can't you just call and ask?

[NRomanoff]

You got a key cut and gave it to your dp without checking with anyone? Is your dp on the paperwork?

I would imagine, that's what it is about

[DontKillMyVibe]

Rather than getting yourself into an upset state speculating what it may be about maybe just send a text saying 'sure, I should be home at xxx. Can you give me an idea what it's about?'

[fastdaytears]

Yes just call him. This whole "I'll talk to you later" is for kids being summonsed to the headteacher at lunchtime.

Honestly though, is it really a good fit? Racism not the best quality in a housemate (or a human being)

[Sandbrook]

I wouldn't panic as more than likely there are a few small things to iron out like the issue with the key.
Stay calm and take a deep breath

[Vivacia]

Are you familiar with "Transactional Analysis"? This 'trigger' has put you straight in to Child. He's not your boss, he's not your parent and you are not a naughty child. You've got to react to this like an Adult. I'd send DontKillMyVibe's text.

[CrystalCove]

I think you are upsetting yourself more by not asking and it would be better to phone him now.

[Vivacia]

And, if this is all about the key then just keep calm and say, "I realise now that I should have cleared it with you first, and I can see that it's important not to get extra keys cut" and that's it. No need to feel shamed or grovel.

[JammyGem]

He's at work, so won't answer his phone.

I know I was wrong to give DP the spare key, but seeing as him and HM have been friends for years and I don't really know anyone else around, I thought it would be ok. HM knows I'm quite forgetful, and if I'd forgotten my key at any point at the weekend, there was absolutely no way of me getting in the house. But I know I was wrong, I'm going to take the key off of DP again when I next see him.

It's not a good fit, I don't really get on with him and I think we annoy each other, but it took me so long to find somewhere I don't really have much of a choice.

I will send him a text and ask what it's about. No idea if he'll reply or not.

[Vivacia]

I think you are upsetting yourself more by not asking and it would be better to phone him now.

That's even better. Say, "I'm not sure I'll be around later on, something's come up, so let's talk about it now".

[DextersMistress]

Don't worry about it, he's not your landlord! It's not as if he can evict you. How would he know about the key anyway?

[SylvaniansAtEase]

Well for a start - is he the other housemate, or are you lodging with him? If the former, he can't 'kick you out', and it's as much your house as his! Yes of course he's been there longer, and you should of course be doing everything to start off on the right foot, but he doesn't get to summon you for a telling off

I would text and ask if there's a particular problem and could he elaborate? Put his response here.

Don't get into the dynamic of it being his house and you being there as a favour - unless of course that basically is the situation, e.g. if he's best buds with the LL etc.

I would imagine it's about the key - if so, reassure that there were crossed wires and while you'd like your DP to have a key for emergencies in case you lose yours, you will of course ask him to not let himself in with it - as he should only be there if he's with you, he shouldn't need to.

Take it from there. But, don't let him set the pattern of being 'in charge'.

[SylvaniansAtEase]

If there would have been no way of you getting in, then it's reasonable that your dp should have kept a safe spare key. Don't apologise for that - apologise for him letting himself in and ask what HM would be comfortable with on that score.

[Mabelface]

He's not the boss of you and it's not him who would kick you out, but your landlord. You live in the house on equal terms. Don't allow him to treat you like a child.

[BarbarianMum]

^^This is what's known as catastrophic thinking, don't give in to it. Why are you verging on hysteria because he wants a word (serious question)?

[DontKillMyVibe]

Think the bigger issue here is you stating that it's not a good fit with HM, you don't get on and you annoy each other. Not forgetting that he's a racist.

What city do you live in? I can't imagine that he has the only house in this city with a room for rent that will accommodate a cat lover. Cat lovers are everywhere I prefer dogs

[nikinaki]

Don't worry too much. You shouldn't have got the key cut or given your dp the spare key without checking with the others, but tbh I do see why you did it! If he says he's cross about your dp using the spare key to get in, just apologise and say that you've now taken the key from him and it won't happen again. He can't chuck you out over that. I think it will either be the key thing or the staying over too much. I'm in a house share and general rule is no more than 2 nights per week. Your dp isn't paying rent and if someone chooses to live in a 2 bed place then you need to respect that they don't want people constantly around. I'm in a 4 bed house and that's a good number, I have no problem with my housemates having guests but if it was all the time it would get annoying.

[Elisheva]

Or you could give up the cat?

[DontKillMyVibe]

What are your DP's living arrangements? Maybe when you see each other split it so that you spend more time at his rather than always at yours. It does seem that HM got 2 housemates for the price of 1 which must be a bit grating at times regardless of if they're friends or not.

[JammyGem]

He said he was surprised to find DP let himself in with a key, so I've explained why he had one and have said I'll take it back off of him when I next see him.

He also doesn't want DP around here so often. To be fair, it is probably 5 nights a week so maybe he has a point. I've not been well recently (operation) so DP doesn't like to leave me at the moment, but I guess he'll have to or I'll set up the cat feeder and go to his instead.

He also said about cleaning but didn't elaborate, so I guess I'll find out later what that's about.

He isn't my landlord, he's just the other tenant but to be honest it's not a proper contract or anything and whilst him and the LL.aren't best buddies,he's been here for years and if he said he wanted me out then the LL would give me notice without a second thought.

I've been finding things really tough recently, not just health wise, but mentally and at work too, and I just want to spend my evenings with DP and the cat, having nice evenings in, but I guess in a houseshare you just can't do things like that every night.

[DontKillMyVibe]

All of HM's points sound reasonable and fair tbh. Why can't you and DP rent a place together?

[CocktailQueen]

If I was your HM I'd be annoyed too. Why can't you go to DP's some nights?

[19lottie82]

hmmmm having your DP to stay every single night, isn't cool i'm afraid, even if you say your HM knew it was "likely". why should your HM pay 1/2 of the bills when 3 people stay there every night? I'd try and cut that back to 3 nights max if I were you, that's just common courtesy when sharing.
If you want to spend every night together, why can't you both get a place together, then you wouldn't have to share with a random?

He won't be able to chuck you out if you have an official joint tenancy agreement, BUT I'm sure it won't come to that, you're prob just being paranoid. Most house shares have a few issues at that start that need ironing out!

[JammyGem]

It doesn't really affect the rent as it's on a room basis rather than split between all tenants, but I know that's not the point.

DP rents his own flat, and we'd spend all our time over there if it wasn't for my cat.

I know I'm in the wrong, and I know my housemate is right to be annoyed. I just want things to work out.