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To be angry with DP about this?

(99 Posts)
Shinyredbike Fri 26-Jun-15 11:33:02

Last year, DP cheated on me. I was completely devastated and we broke up for a few months while he was with his OW but very quickly he realised he had made a mistake and eventually we got back together.

There is no excuse for what he did but things with us were complicated at the time and I understand that he felt differently at that time about us than he does now so I have managed to move past it and things have been good ever since.

I know he still speaks to OW occasionally, they are friends on FB etc, which I'm not particularly happy about but I feel I don't want to be controlling and tell him who he can and can't speak to. It has always seemed that their interactions have been on a very casual, occasional basis up until this point.

Yesterday we were having a conversation about stuff and she came up, she had insulted him joking on a fb post, then said 'love you' in a jokey way. He said it back. Now I'm not overly keen on that kind of thing anyway as I believe if you say you love someone you should mean it but I could see it was just a stupid jokey exchange. It then came out that he had been talking with her quite a bit more than he had previously made out, they had discussed the fact that they miss each other and wouldn't it be nice to meet up (as friends) and catch up at some point etc etc.

Now, I know the likelyhood of him physically meeting up with her is very slim as she has moved to the other side of the country (think, 700 mile round trip) but I am just fuming and so hurt and upset that he is chatting away with her merrily, saying that he loves her (however jokingly), saying that he misses her, wanting to meet up etc. Bearing in mind that this is the person who almost completely destroyed our relationship (obviously he was guilty of that too). I just feel it's so disrespectful of him, like he doesn't realise or care that that might upset me.

I asked him how he would feel if I was having similar conversations with my ex and he said I can 'do what I want'. It felt so dismissive, like he totally doesn't give a shit if I'm flirting with other blokes or not.

It's not like he's engaged in an EA with her (as far as I know), and I know he hasn't physically done anything. He hasn't lied about talking to her. I just feel so angry and upset but I'm not sure why. Aibu?

19lottie82 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:35:21

WHOA WHOA WHOA, I'm sorry but if my OH had had an affair with someone and then we got back together and trying to make things work, there is NO WAY on earth, I would put up with him still being friends with her, and communicating on Facebook. you shouldn't even have to ask! SERIOUSLY!

Superexcited Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:14

I wouldn't put up with that. I would be annoyed that he is even Facebook friends with her given that he left me to be with her. His behaviour is unacceptable and you are right to be upset.
I think you need to give him an ultimatum - break all contact with this woman or risk losing your relationship.

SaucyJack Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:41

This is possibly the least unreasonable post I've ever on here.

I'm sorry dude.

What do you want to happen?

19lottie82 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:49

oh and in response to your question, YADDDDDDDDDNBU!

He sounds like a dick, and sorry to sound harsh, but if this is his attitude he will definitely cheat again, sorry. I have never ever said this on MN before but get some self respect and LTB.

SaucyJack Fri 26-Jun-15 11:36:55

*ever read

TheCrimsonQueen Fri 26-Jun-15 11:37:32

I'm surprised you have to even ask. YADNBU

He doesn't respect you and I think you should ask yourself whether he actually even still loves you.

I'm not sure that you respect yourself much if you allow him to continue disrespecting you like this.

BearFoxBear Fri 26-Jun-15 11:37:57

Wtf?! He is massively taking the piss and you must know that? He needs told - get rid of her or you get rid of him. Get yourself a spine

RedKite1985 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:38:16

Dump him, then he can see her as much as he wants. He has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

Seriously, go find someone who loves you and respects you, he is a wanker

RaaRaaTheLion Fri 26-Jun-15 11:38:57

No, not at all. I've been in a similar situation in the past and IMO, you have every right to demand that he deletes her off Facebook. The 'love you' think is taking the piss completely.

It sounds like that because you got back together, he thinks he can do as he pleases because you've 'already' forgiven him.

formerbabe Fri 26-Jun-15 11:38:59

I am reading this aghast shock. You poor thing, it sounds dreadful.

I just feel so angry and upset but I'm not sure why. Aibu?

Of course yanbu...and I'm confused as to why you are saying you're not sure why you are upset and dam obvious you would be angry and hurt by your dp saying he misses the ow and wants to meet to again with her...why are you putting up with this?

Do you have children with this man op?

Birdsgottafly Fri 26-Jun-15 11:39:22


He shouldn't be having any firm of contact with her and he should be concentrating on getting your relationship back on an even keel.

It sounds as though he is emotionally detached from you.

You have to be honest and ask yourself if this is really salvagable.

He is ripe for another affair.

ToucheAwayyyy Fri 26-Jun-15 11:39:43


he said I can do what I want

That one part of the sentence above shows you exactly who and what he really is - someone who doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings.

I'm so sorry OP, you deserve better than this.

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Jun-15 11:40:33

Fucking hell OP. Two words spring to mind here - 'door' and 'matt'.

I'm sorry but he is taking the piss out of you massively.

Surely you can do better than to live like this?

BestZebbie Fri 26-Jun-15 11:41:00

Asking him to no longer contact an OW is not 'being controlling' in any way - it is a very specific single request based on his own behaviour, not trying to micromanage who he can be friends with. Like asking someone with an alcohol problem not to drink alcohol is not the same as only letting them eat and drink foods you have selected and plated up for them.

VixxFace Fri 26-Jun-15 11:42:56


19lottie82 Fri 26-Jun-15 11:43:03

Asking him to no longer contact an OW is not 'being controlling' in any way - it is a very specific single request based on his own behaviour, not trying to micromanage who he can be friends with

Totally correct, but tbh, you shouldn't even have to ask! If he had any respect for you or rebuilding your relationship, he wouldn't be speaking to her at ALL.

SaveOurBogBrushes Fri 26-Jun-15 11:43:40

I'm known among my friends as being ridiculously relaxed and confident in my relationships but if I took someone back they wouldn't be in contact with the OW. No way.

DorotheaHomeAlone Fri 26-Jun-15 11:43:56

This is so disrespectful. YANBU. If you guys want to recover your relationship properly I really recommend counselling and some proper boundaries in place. Starting with NC with the OW.

formerbabe Fri 26-Jun-15 11:45:45

they are friends on FB etc, which I'm not particularly happy about but I feel I don't want to be controlling and tell him who he can and can't speak to.

Don't be a doormat op by trying to come across to him like you are the 'cool girlfriend'.

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Jun-15 11:47:21

This is how it strikes me OP

He moved in with OW - because he doesn't care.

He kept her on FB and didn't lie to you - because he doesn't care.

He said 'I love you' back - because he doesn't care.

He's discussed missing her and meeting up - because he doesn't care.

He told you, you cant 'do what your want' - because he doesn't care.

Why do you want to even be around someone who cares so little for you?

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Jun-15 11:47:39

can do what you want

Shinyredbike Fri 26-Jun-15 11:49:04

I've just realised that it was exactly one year ago today. One year ago since he broke my heart into a million pieces. I thought everything was fine with us until now but now I'm seriously questioning it all.

It's sounds stupid but the last two years of my life have been absolutely hellish and I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope on my own.

I'm two weeks off from having a 'big' birthday and have arranged a party to celebrate (including some of his family and friends), I just can't bear the thought of sitting on my own on my birthday crying myself to sleep like I was last year.

If we broke up I would have no where else to go, I don't have DC's and have no family or friends I could stay with and no money to get a place of my own.

All of this other stuff is just by products though, as much as I know he has made mistakes I really do love him and want us to work.

Ghirly Fri 26-Jun-15 11:49:32

Im quite a jealous person but can usually see when someone is being unreasonable (even if I would react the same myself), however, this time I am 100% positive that YADNBU!!!
I would be asking dp to reassess his feelings for you

CantBrainToday Fri 26-Jun-15 11:51:35

YADDDDNBU There is no way on earth he should have ANY contact with this woman. As part of proving he genuinely made a mistake and cares for you and ONLY you he should have immediately CUT ALL CONTACT with her. If he won't do this then there is clearly still something there. I see this only ending badly. Do NOT accept this behaviour. It will only end in more tears.

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