Tacky wedding poem, how much to give?

[Poppyflowe]

You lot will love this.

Relative, who I haven't seen for years and whose fiancée we've never met has sent a wedding invitation with tacky poem demanding suggesting money instead of a gift. And they got my name wrong (I have kept my maiden name and been married over 25 years).

Even if we don't go (and it will cause some family strife if we don't) my ailing dad expects that we'll send them money.

How much would you send? We're not millionaires, but not short of money either.

Mu judgement is somewhat affected by the fact that I have twice in recent years donated to couples asking for cash and am still waiting for an acknowledgement, let alone a 'thank you' from either couple.

[formerbabe]

Hmmm....how much would I send?

Fuck all.

Hth

[LuluJakey1]

I wouldn't go and I would just send a nice wedding card wishing them lots of happiness.

[ArgyMargy]

I would give them the benefit of the doubt, and send no more than £50. It's not their fault that other people didn't thank you for previous gifts. I realise I'll probably be in the minority here..!

[BathtimeFunkster]

As above.

Your Dad can send them money if he feels so strongly about it.

[trufflesnout]

Send them a card and don't pay for the postage.

[MeepyMupp]

I need to see the poem to make an informed opinion

[Jewels234]

I don't get this at all. They have suggested something to give to save the hassle of trawling around John Lewis in your limited free time wondering whether they already have x, y, z.

If you would rather give a gift, do. If you don't want to go, don't.

The poems are horrendous though. That's the only thing YANBU about.

[PercyGherkin]

I would send them £20 in a nice card wishing them happiness. You're not costing them anything (I'd give £50 if I was actualy going to the wedding). It's not their fault other people are rude and don't say thank you, they might surprise you!

[ArgyMargy]

It can be difficult to say "we don't need gifts but we do need money" and I think this can be why some people resort to poems. Like saying "lighthearted" in a thread title...

[lomega]

I am always amazed when people have a problem with couples asking for money towards a honeymoon or similar at their weddings...what if they're already living together and have all the home items they need? I was living in a 1 bed flat with my DH when we got married, we couldn't have fitted anything else in there had we asked for home items! So we gave people a choice; their presence (not presents), money towards a honeymoon, or a bottle of wine for the evening party. We didn't mind if we got only cards from people as we just liked having everyone there with us. But we were grateful to the people who did give us cash as I found out I was pg 2 weeks before the wedding and all the money went on DS instead

I give about £20-50 depending on how skint I am at the time/how much I value the person/how often I see them. I gave my friend £30 plus some nice glasses for her wedding in Sept. She gave me a £10 tesco voucher when I got married and it didn't bother me a bit, I was very grateful. (After the hectic-ness was over of the wedding and aftermath I got one of their £10 meal deals for 2).

Anyway I digress.

Your situation sounds different if they've just appeared out of the blue and asked for money (I never used one of those shitty poems by the way lol). You are also skewed by the fact people haven't thanked you properly in the past for cash gifts. I'd say use your judgement - if it's going to mean there are no family rifts then perhaps £20 or something, they can at least get something decent with that.

[TheFecklessFairy]

Just send them a card and say (wrong name) doesn't exist and therefore can't send you anything. But have a nice day.

[53Dragon]

It's bad form to send out requests for gifts of any kind with the invitations. Correct etiquette is to wait for the invitee to request the gift list.

[SnowWhiteAteTheApple]

I would just send a card and not go. If you do want to attend just take a card and a bottle of something.

Paying to attend a wedding is crass, the poem is just trying to avoid saying we are charging you for your place.

[SaucyJack]

Twenty is plenty.

I would think twice about giving my own brother more than that.

[trufflesnout]

their presence (not presents)

Nooooooooooooooooooooo

[honeysucklejasmine]

Give them the benefit of the doubt, you don't know what they want it for. DH and myself both had all the household bollocks before we got married, so identified the best stuff and donated/recycled the rest.

Really we wanted cash. He was moving to my house and we wanted to redecorate to make it "our" house. We explained this on our invites and most people were happy to oblige.

We did put together a small list of "things" too, that you never would buy living alone, (like a nice cake stand, some steak knives etc) so if people had a moral objection to giving us money.

In short... Don't assume they only want it to buy a few more cocktails on honeymoon or bedazzle their bedspread.

[magpieginglebells]

Personally I'd send £20 if I didn't go or £50 if I did.

[FightOrFlight]

the poem is just trying to avoid saying we are charging you for your place.

No it isn't, it's saying that rather than wasting £20 on something we already have we would prefer money.

If you think £20 is going to cover your 'place' at a wedding then the reception is presumably being held at Burger King.

[sooperdooper]

I need to see the poem to decide :)

[IamTitanium]

I would give whatever I would give without poem and/or cash request.

I would also not let previous behaviours of others effect what I was going to give.

[avocadotoast]

I wouldn't send anything if I wasnt going to the wedding (unless it was someone I was close to and there was a reason I couldn't make the wedding, not just that I wasn't going through choice).

There were certain people couldn't make it to our wedding and we didn't get anything from them, and didn't think anything of it but then I'm not grabby and didn't send a shit poem out in the invites

[FelineLou]

Send them a card and a receipt for a donation to a charity they might like to support.

[5446]

We've had two in the past two weeks, presence not presents.

One is a lower league footballer who is on a very good wage for his age, I'd twice mine and who has put his bank account number on the invite.

[JaneFonda]

I will never understand people being offended by being asked for money - genuinely, how is giving them £50 any different from them having a gift list with John Lewis and asking for an item that costs £50? Money is so much more useful.

OP, you don't sound as though you like them very much, so perhaps you shouldn't go to their wedding. It's not their fault someone else didn't thank you for their money.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

How much would you spend if they hadn't asked for anything at all? That much is how much I would spend. List, no list, suggestion, grabby poem whatever would make no difference to me.