To not want to date somebody with children?

[mytartanscarf]

I am biting the bullet and in the NY will join a dating site.

I've been browsing a few and it seems I can stipulate whether or not I want to date somebody with children - I'm fairly sure I don't.

It just seems too complex for everybody concerned.

My friend thinks this is unreasonable - so I'll hand it over to Mumsnet

[formerbabe]

Do you have children though op?

[DancingDinosaur]

I probably wouldn't want to if I didn't have children of my own.

[fieldfare]

It's entirely up to you.
Although you could be ruling someone perfect out by that criteria as it is rather limiting when someone has got to a 'certain' age.

[mytartanscarf]

No, sorry I didn't mention that :) No children - but I do want them in future which is one major reason I wouldn't want to be with somebody who already has theirs.

[DancingDinosaur]

Do you have children though?

[DancingDinosaur]

X post

[mommy2ash]

as long as you are ok with men not wanting to date you because you have children then it's fine at least you are honest

[DrewOB]

if you are looking for something long term, dating someone with kids means having kids around all the time, having your life being controlled by ex partner to some extent.

I think it's fair to say you don't want to date people with kids.

[littlemslazybones]

It's not unreasonable, it's your choice. I can see why, on balance, it might be easier to have a partner who doesn't already have children and I can't see a good reason to make life harder, given the choice.

[mytartanscarf]

Fieldfare - that's my friend's point. But, I can't help but feel that if they DO have children, they aren't perfect (for me, I mean, not that they aren't a lovely person!)

A child or children are or should be such a HUGE part of someone's life that it isn't something you can overlook like "well I'd prefer you to be a bit closer" or "I normally prefer taller men" - it's a massive aspect of their life.

[LikeSilver]

If I was single, there is no way in hell I would let any prospective partner near my DD unless I and they were absolutely sure they wanted to be properly involved and there was a long-term future for the relationship. So YABU, at all.

[lunar1]

I wouldn't date anyone with children. And if dh and I split up I'd go for the fun part of dating but would never bring another man into my children's lives.

It's not unreasonable to have a preference about your own future!!

[formerbabe]

No, sorry I didn't mention that smile No children - but I do want them in future which is one major reason I wouldn't want to be with somebody who already has theirs

Perfectly reasonable then op.

[ClumsyFool]

It's not unreasonable if it's your preference, it could mean discounting a potentially great bloke, but it's not like there's only one of them in the whole world. It's your dating life and your choice IMO. What should it matter whether your friend would do the same?

[smable]

No I think admitting that you don't want to date someone with children is fine, the problem is when people get involved with someone with children and then bitch about it.

[LikeSilver]

*YANBU! Fail.

[ASAS]

There's enough, "I hate my step children" threads on here to break a stone heart. If you feel this way please don't get involved with someone with children.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

You can have any conditions you want - you can refuse to date anyone but 6 ft blinds with green eyes and degrees in botany, it just limits your chances of meeting somebody decent :o

Agree the "no children" thing is only likely to work if you don't have any yourself. Once past your 20s there will of course be fewer same age men without children, especially if you also exclude ones who live with their mums... :o

[merrychristmasyafilthyanimal]

Well if YABU I suppose I am too! Pre kids I would not have dated someone with children either.

[Petallic]

Of course it's not unreasonable. I can't see why your friend thinks it is. Children are the most time, effort and money draining hobby ever! And if it's not for you, then YANBU to be upfront about it.

[mytartanscarf]

I agree smable - have had first hand experience of that and it's so damaging to all concerned. I would NEVER do that but just the same, I just think I want my own family with somebody, not part of someone else's.

[Bulbasaur]

When I was dating I dropped men like rocks when I found out they had kids. That was definitely a deal breaker for me.

Now I'm married with a kid of my own. I guess if I got divorced or something I'd prefer a guy with kids since they already know the drill so to speak.

It really is up to you as far as personal preference. There's plenty of older men with no kids that are charming and just haven't met the right person yet.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

*blonds not blinds - dating blinds might be a bit strange

[mytartanscarf]

LikeSilver haha I didn't even notice!

ASAS I don't feel this way because I would HATE a child - after my Mum died, my Dad had a number of GFs, two of whom in particular made it very clear that children were not part of the equation. I still remember how isolating and horrible that felt.

As such, I think the step-parenting/step-child relationship is just too difficult for me at this time but it doesn't mean I would ever hate a child!