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To be fed up of being told to 'relax' and then I will probably get pregnant?

(79 Posts)
Hurricaneinateacup Mon 17-Nov-14 07:43:48

Ttc for two years.
Several failed ivf attempts.
Considering giving up.

On finding out we are giving up lots of people have said 'oh well when you relax it'll happen.'
Er no. Dh has about 10 viable sperm, they struggled to find any to use the first cycle. I'm pretty sure it won't matter how relaxed I am.

I know they're trying to help but really, FFS. If you needed to be relaxed to get pregnant no one would ever get pregnant during ivf.

WorkingBling Mon 17-Nov-14 07:46:12

Yanbu. People are trying to be supportive. But god, it's annoying.

I'm sorry your journey is being so hard.

selsigfach Mon 17-Nov-14 07:55:24

Trying - and failing - to conceive certainly helps you weed out the insensitive pricks from your friends in your social circle. Yanbu. If you can, tell them how ridiculous and insensitive they're being, hopefully it will stop them from saying the same in future to someone else.

NewEraNewMindset Mon 17-Nov-14 07:57:01

Yep, it's what the fertile fuckers like to say. They think it's 'helpful'. Along with take a holiday and you'll get pregnant, I assume that is also relaxation related.

CrispyCrochet Mon 17-Nov-14 07:58:41

No, you're not being unreasonable. People just don't know what to say & you hear lots of stories about people giving up or taking a break & then getting pregnant. I hope that does happen for you OP. Sending hugs.

elportodelgato Mon 17-Nov-14 08:01:12

YANBU! How extremely annoying, you are doing well not to have punched someone by now.

Fluffyears Mon 17-Nov-14 08:04:17

Oh god so sorry for you going through this. I'm on 2nd month ttc and hoping it won't take long. Hopibg for a baby for us both in 2015 x

NormaStits Mon 17-Nov-14 08:05:29

'If you stop trying it will happen'. This phrase should be on the list of Things That Excuse Violent Beatings.

I got told to relax and it'll happen. I'm in a same sex relationship, we had to pay to use donor sperm, had iuis, ivf etc. It is biologically impossible for it to just happen. People aren't trying to be helpful when they say it, they are just being dicks.

It's so patronising, as if you haven't tried just letting nature take it's course, for a start you have told do that for at least a year before they'll consider you for ivf.

Hope you have some luck with treatment soon, and don't be afraid to put twats like that in their place in the meantime.

OwlinaTree Mon 17-Nov-14 09:14:33

Oh, so many people say this. There's probably some truth in it, but clearly not in your situation.

I'm so sorry you are having these difficulties. I hope you are successful soon.

MrsWedgeAntilles Mon 17-Nov-14 09:28:12

Sorry to hear about your troubles, OP. I think when faced with the kind of deep pain and sorrow of a situation like yours otherwise well meaning people panic and just throw
out platitudes.

AMumInScotland Mon 17-Nov-14 09:53:36

YANBU. They probably do mean well, but it's also partly a way of saying "Please don't make me have to recognise and acknowledge just how awful you are finding this, because I'm not sure I can say or do anything, so can we just pretend it's not that bad?"

If they're acquaintances that you don't expect much from, then up to you if you let them get away with that one.

But if it's people you would hope to actually be supportive, feel free to rage at them about how it fucking well isn't going to magically go away just because they think life ought to work that way, and if it was that easy then you would never have had to go the ivf route in the first place.

ChickenMe Mon 17-Nov-14 10:03:04

Sorry you are having a difficult time. I think people are pretty thoughtless when it comes to TTC and the same applies to bereavement and miscarriages. They come out with all these stupid stock phrases cos they think they have to say something. Plus everyone thinks they own pregnant or trying to be pregnant women. They all seem to have a stake in it.

Legohair Mon 17-Nov-14 10:22:53

Yanbu, but you know that. Whether or not it's 'well-meaning' is beside the point, it's an insensitive, monumentally dopey thing to say.

AMum's first paragraph above is right, too - my mother comes up with similar platitudes in relation to a friend of mine whose child has a terminal condition - 'Well, hopefully...' 'Ah, please God' and 'Well, you never know'. Actually, Mother, in this case, they do know. A twelve year old is dying, whether or not you can face up to that.

I'd be more sympathetic if she was desperately trying to think of something to say that might comfort the friend in question and was flapping and panicking in the face of unutterable grief, but in fact she has never even met my friend or her son, who live in another country to her, and these daft platitudes are solely to make her feel better.

NewEraNewMindset Mon 17-Nov-14 10:30:47

I also think it's lazy. Let's not have to think too hard to try and say something that could actually be thoughtful and comforting, no instead let's just trot out a well worn phrase that's rude and patronising and change the subject quickly.

quietbatperson Mon 17-Nov-14 10:35:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered Mon 17-Nov-14 14:43:20

YANBU, that is really crap. But people don't know what to say, because they can't help you, and they just want to say something.

I was with a friend a couple of years ago when her phone rang, it was a family member ringing her to say that her Nan had just died, and I stupidly said to my distraught, sobbing friend "Aw, she's gone to a better place". I don't know why I said it. I'm annoyed I said it and I can't forgive myself for coming out with such a stupid phrase just when my friend needed someone to listen to her and just let her cry. (I don't even believe in the afterlife, so I don't even think her Nan is in a better place). People just say things, but it's lazy and meaningless.

minipie Mon 17-Nov-14 14:54:57

YANBU. It's utter bollocks.

For some reason, it seems to be easier for people to try to give advice than simply to say "I'm so sorry, that must be really difficult".

I don't know why... I guess all you can do is acknowledge the good intention and try to ignore the utter thoughtlessness.

Pipbin Mon 17-Nov-14 15:04:00

I hate when people say that. No amount of relaxing will unblock my tubes.

But, I think some people say it when they don't know what to say.

BreconBeBuggered Mon 17-Nov-14 15:10:40

Being told to relax in any situation is counterproductive, imo. In yours, OP, I'd be wanting to thump them. But I'm not sure my own response of wordless sympathy was any better for a friend who couldn't conceive. I couldn't come up with anything meaningful, and I hate 'it'll be fine' platitudes.

Phantomquartz Mon 17-Nov-14 15:13:40

I have mixed feelings about this as I've been TTC for years and got pregnant unexpectedly just as I was coming to terms with stopping trying. I miscarried early but feel that the constant focus on cycles and whether or not I was pregnant was creating a stress that was possibly stopping any chances that I had. We're trying again now and I'm really scared that the renewed hope might prevent me conceiving. I'm trying to tell myself it is just superstition....

NoCupcakesOrCocktails Mon 17-Nov-14 15:20:09

YADNBU I absolutely hate it when people say that. I can imagine how you feel as I have ttc for 5 years and have had 3 ivf cycles. It's a lonely, frightening and isolating road. I particularly hate the relax crap as to me it infers that somehow you are responsible for this when in reality it is completely out of your control.

I'm so sorry to hear about your failed ivf cycles, I found ivf really tough and was thinking I might need to give up and move on as well. We decided to have one final go with our own eggs despite 2 previous crap cycles and it has worked (hopefully still v early days). Have you had any counselling? That helped us make some decisions about how far we would go with treatment. Its a shitty situation, I really hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do next flowers

hawaiibaby Mon 17-Nov-14 15:24:21

YADNBU and I'm really sorry. It's such a shit and ill-thought out line to trot out, used to make me feel like it was all my fault for being uptight (not that I even was for the first year). We also had / have sperm issues. We were so lucky that ICSI worked for us, I know that. It's really hard with male factor IF.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time, infertility is a total bitch.

madsadbad Mon 17-Nov-14 15:29:37

No your not being unreasonable, in my charitable moments I do try and think they are not being malicious just filling the silence.
My fave is when people ask if we are trying, my answer- are you asking if I am having sexual intercourse with my husband with out using birth control accompanied with innocent expectant look.

Best wishes flowers

outofcontrol2014 Mon 17-Nov-14 15:35:41


I find this attitude outrageous and patronising in the extreme.

I think it is rife in the medical establishment, not just around fertility but all gynae issues. Women are too often palmed off with the excuse that 'it's normal' and 'just relax about it' when really doctors should be doing more, or acknowledging that there is more than emotion in play!

HappyAgainOneDay Mon 17-Nov-14 15:37:01

A shame that a baby just does not turn up, however hard you try. flowers

When I saw your thread title, I was going to agree but your circumstances are not what I expected. My X and I had one and I didn't want any more because it was such hard work. He insisted on another because he wanted a boy so I agreed but only if we tried straightaway. 2 months later after DD was born as number 1, I was still not pregnant and our doctor told me to stop 'trying'. So we did and our DS is 13 months younger than his sister. It's not so much 'relaxing' as 'not trying'.

Not aimed at you OP because, as I said, your circumstances are different.

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