To feel a rental failure

[Welshie1234]

Basically we rent and always have done mainly because by the time we had saved a deposit we were priced out of the market and due to house price inflation we can't keep up with our savings. I am now 40 and my dh is older and we have 2 kids. We live in an expensive city but have good jobs, friends, a life and the dcs are settled in school and have friends.
I want to own my own house I really do - I hate the insecurity of renting and have worked hard to try and make it happen but we just can't afford a deposit as the goal posts keep changing.
I get constant family pressure- we are viewed as the poor relations, as idiots for not buying sooner. We get comments about how ridiculous it is we pay high rent. A friend said to me that they couldnt imagine being in our 'situation'. I get told 'renting is dead money' regularly. My mother rang me yesterday (final straw) to tell me about my cousin's new house with big garden but the underlying theme is always everyone else can buy so what is wrong with you!

AIBU to feel like some kind of social failure?

I am so fed up of it all and dread (avoid) family occasions as I don't have the answers to our supposed 'situation'.

[TheHobbit]

I feel the same way, except my wealthy relatives all live in South Africa where property is affordable and they all have at least two properties and I get criticised by not being able to afford one in the UK due to high deposit requirements. In theur eyes it would be and I quote "Dont you dare fall pregnant before you buy a house!" Which is why im 34 still without children as that according to my parents would be the worst possible thing in the workd to happen. I hate it so much and I feel I would be a failure if I have a child whilst renting. They would say poor child growing up like that even though I know I'd be a great mom

[gamerchick]

Reading the first couple of posts made me say knob off many times in my head.

Come on tell your family's where to get off and STFU about it. It's easier than you think.

[millymae]

Personally I'd ignore - why do you want to own your own house? It's not the be all and end all. Yes there is the insecurity aspect I suppose but on the other hand if the boiler blows up or the roof needs replacing you don't have to find additional money to pay the bill.

To a certain extent I can see the argument that you are paying dead money and I suppose if you got a mortgage you may end up paying less but the fact that you are renting doesn't make what you live in any less of a home, and that's what's important. If you lived abroad renting is viewed far more favourably than here.

You sound as if you would really like to get on the mortgage treadmlll though and if that's the case it's down to you and your OH to make it happen - sorry I know that's not very helpful advice. Several of my friends did it (no children though so far easier) by dramatically cutting their outgoings for 18 months and are now living in their own properties - 2 of the 3 are happy with their choice but the third questions whether there was really any point.

[GretnaGreen]

Renting is not "dead money". You don't have to pay for repairs. If your flat is furnished your landlord sorts out any repairs to appliances and replaces furniture. No hot water, your landlord sorts it. It's a service you're paying for, not money that goes nowhere. Remind your "friends" of that next time they start patronising you. If you moved to a different city you could own your own house but you've chosen not to. Own the choice and tell them to stick it. (I mean this supportively by the way, it is very hard not to feel down when people are trying so hard to put you there.)

[GretnaGreen]

As for your mum, everyone I know who bought early was able to do so because their parents either bought the house for them or gave them a lot of help with the deposit and/ or mortgage. Just a thought :)

[TurquoiseDress]

I feel your pain OP!

I get constant comparisons to my siblings who both own properties.

Me and DH have a young baby & live in a rented flat...it's our home, we're planning to move to a bigger place, saving up for a mortgage etc.

It's not the worse thing in the world, despite the impression I get from my parents.

It's tiring having to explain that we would like to buy but cannot afford it right now.

It's not because we don't want to...for some of my family it's as if we simply don't want to in your own place.

If only it were that simple!

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Renting gives you something that owning a property cannot: flexibility. If your landlord won't maintain your home properly you can move. If your employment prospects say you need to move to a different town or region of the country, you could. Need to move somewhere where you kids could have access to better schools? Start packing.

If you're truly desperate to pay a mortgage rather than hand money over to a landlord then you really need to think about moving to a less expensive part of the region/country than the one you are living in now.

For a lot of people stashing savings away for a deposit on a home comes before having a family for a very good reason. For some it's often an either/or decision and maybe that's you if you can't countenance moving or modifying your expectations. Two kids doesn't always have to equate to a three bedroomed house with a drive-way and a garden.

[NickyEds]

Op, you are rapidly becoming part of the norm rather than the exception to the rule! Literally no one I know my age (35) has bought a house without big help from family, bank of Mum and Dad/inheritance etc, some of which they chose to ignore when banging on about how well they've done to "get on the ladder". Your family are being totally unreasonable.
We still rent and would buy if we had the chance but we haven't had that chance so that's that really! I understand it must be hard but you really have nothing to be ashamed of and TBH I would have a frank discussion with your Mum about how much it upsets you (her digs that is, not renting).

[RenterNomad]

Poor sweetheart! There really is no response or defence against such bullshit except to change your social and emotional. That's not hard, as there are millions of Britons living in the private rented sector alone, leaving aside social renting. Twitter is abuzz with these "unfashionable" (yet more bloody articulate than your family's unanalysed ideas!), the Guardian has a strong reporting backbground, and even "houzz" (pinterest-style platform for interior design) has introduced a category on rentals.

There are plenty of people to "meet", in real life and virtually, who are like you, and not like you, and all likely to be a damned sight more lively than your family, thanks to the experience if living on their wits.

PM me if you want to chat more, as I really don't like people feeling as you sound.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Buying a house is overrated in my experience. Paying rent is no more dead money than paying mortgage interest. Your relatives are rude idiots, who cares what they think about this?!

[RenterNomad]

Oops. "change your social and emotional CIRCLE"

[cruikshank]

I feel exactly the same, OP - it makes me really unhappy. I look at people who bought at the 'right time' paying half as much on a mortgage as I do in rent - and their mortgages will be paid off eventually. I also really really worry about the future. The only reason I can afford to have enough bedrooms to house us is because of a combination of tax credits, HB and maintenance. When that stops, as it will, I will be renting a bedsit, on my own, with nowhere for dc to come and stay even for a short time - even for the summer hols if they go to uni etc. I am so so worried about it all. I work full time btw, but I can't afford to house us without top-ups.

[Southeastdweller]

Have you thought about buying a buy-to-let in a cheaper city?

I would be furious with this 'friend' and tell him or her to do one.

[Scram]

at least if you rent you don't have to worry about the cost of boiler breakdowns, plumbing emergencies etc.

[specialsubject]

Paying rent is no more dead money than paying mortgage interest.

and yes, you need to tell your rude friends and family to take their insults elsewhere.

renting is the norm in many countries.

[juliascurr]

you could buy one in a cheaper area maybe as something for the future? rent it out as a perfect lovely landlady until you need to sell up?

[Jewels234]

I get this all the time. Living in london means I get people constantly telling me what an idiot I am for not buying just yet.

I have no other advice (except for that millions of people are only paying the interest on their mortgages, which is exactly the same as renting). While you are renting you have the benefit of flexibility and if anything goes wrong you don't need to pay for it. A house is only a good investment if the price goes up...and at the moment it looks like that isn't happening!

[Turquoisetamborine]

Tell them to F off unless they are going to give you the money you need for a deposit. None of their business.

I wish we had rented when we bought our starter home at the top of the market as we still have the bugger 11 years on as we are in 17k negative equity with it. Every month we chuck huge amounts of money so we can be shot of it one day while we rent a large, lovely house off my dad which we will buy once we can rid of that house.

[funkybuddah]

I'm a renter with no plans to buy. very few restrictions really. I don't have to worry about any repairs and considering that dp is in a job that he could be made redundant I'm even more grateful to be renting. I refuse to spend stupid money on a house that isn't worth what they sell for just to suit someone else. My mum never owned her house so I guess that's why I'm more relaxed and able to get on with my life without this weird property obsession.

[Sleepyhoglet]

How much deposit do you have?

[Suzannewithaplan]

wait for the crash, then buy

[McFox]

We're in the same boat - I'm 39 and we have a baby, not enough savings to buy and we live in Edinburgh where the prices are just ludicrous. The 1 bed flat next door to ours sold for just under £300k last year, and it needed rewired, new kitchen and bathroom, flooring replaced etc. That's crazy.

As it stands we have a lovely place that we got unfurnished and have decorated to suit us. It's gorgeous

I swing between starting to then deciding not to worry about it because there's no point, it won't change anything, and being quite happy with renting. We love where we live and couldn't afford to buy here. Plus we haven't had to pay for the roof repairs, building repairs, broken boiler, knackered window etc that have come up in the past 2 years. So there's about £10k that we haven't had to find.

I only have 2 friends that own their own place here. One of them is in serious negative equity and lives in a shoebox in a horrible street. The others work in banking - enough said!

Owning isn't always the best idea - at least we'll both have savings that would be non-existent/eaten away by constant repairs etc! That's definitely a bright side. You just need to find the reasons that make you happy to rent and use these whenever anyone starts being a knob about it. It really pisses me off that some people feel that being in massive amounts of debt is better than being debt free and not tied down!!

[EachandEveryone]

My boss was talking about this very thing she said that I like to live my the skin of my teeth. I'm in London and I don't want to move miles away.

[MrsMarcJacobs]

Tell them you would hate to be shackled down with a mortgage and you think that it is conditioned thinking that has led people to believe that owning is the best way forward (that should make them really irritated!) Throw in the comment "I'm a free spirit" a few times for good measure.