To ask if you find it upsetting if someone doesn't like you?

[passionfruitbikini]

I know we can't all be liked by everyone but I have to admit I find it a bit upsetting when someone seems to actively dislike me for no reason.

I normally get on ok with most people, but lately I've come across a couple of women that don't seem to like me.

Firstly the mum of one of DS's friends (DS is in reception) is very frosty with me and very friendly and chatty towards everyone else. I got on fine with her when the boys were at preschool but she seems to be more and more off with me now. I'm always polite and friendly, and haven't been close friends with her so it's not like there was any opportunity to fall out or even for me to offend her in anyway. I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it's just a bit hurtful.

Secondly my best friend has in recent years become close friends with another woman. I've made an effort to get on with this woman, but she makes it obvious that she doesn't like me, and is actually quite abrupt and rude to me. Again I can't think of anything that I could have done to upset her; it was as if she had decided before meeting me that she didn't like me and that was that!

Like I said, I know this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I can't help feeling a bit upset by both these womens' behaviour. I know I'm not a horrible unlikeable person as I have lots of friends.

Perhaps I'm just too sensitive?

[mommy2ash]

i think you are being too sensitive. there are plenty of people i don't particularly like and i probably couldn't even give you a reason i just don't seem to gel with them. its a wasted life to worry about the things you don't have, spend your time enjoying the relationships you have with people who do like you.

[passionfruitbikini]

I guess it's just difficult as they're people that I have to see quite a lot; I see the mum at the school every day and the other woman is often on nights out that my best friend invites me on.

[VanitasVanitatum]

I would find that difficult too. Could be jealousy, your best friend's new friend is probably jealous of your longer established friendship with her. The school gate mum I would just be totally casual with and ignore it. If they don't know you then it's not actually you they dislike, it's their perception of you, which is not based on fact or anything real about you.

[Notcontent]

I think it's quite natural to feel a bit upset - it's human nature that we all want to be liked.

I think you just have to remind yourself that just because someone doesn't like you doesn't mean that you are not likeable in some way.

[heraldgerald]

I don't like it but now try to think instead of that I am in some way dislikeable, that they are in fact projecting all sorts of ideas about who they think I am, and night feel threatened in some way by me. So, I keep my distance and remain polite and basically friendly and courteous so as to avoid fuelling their attributions. And I feel a lot more in control and less people pleasing, which has been a problem for me, than I used to.

[BeachyKeen]

I don't care much. I figure there are 7 billion people on the planet, there are bound to be millions that don't like me. As long as I am comfortable with myself, and I get on with friends and family, its all good.

[Littledidsheknow]

I guess what's bothering you most OP, is not so much that they (apparently) don't like you, but the inexplicable nature of their dislike. You've done nothing to offend them, neither knows you well, but they persist in acting like twats. The injustice! Furthermore, they may even think things about you that aren't remotely true.
YANBU - It would bother me too, but then I'm super sensitive and slightly paranoid.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I couldn't agree more - some people you just don't 'gel' with.

What I don't get is that whereas I would never blank, snub or be otherwise impolite in any way to anyone in that context, some others seem able to suspend normal social politeness and behave like complete bitches at the drop of a hat!

[maggiethemagpie]

It's easy to take it personally. I try hard not to take it personally, I think this is where self esteem comes in, when you have a sense of worth that comes from yourself, not others. It's human nature to feel hurt if other's don't like us though, I've struggled with this all my life only recently beginning to deal with it.

[BackforGood]

Try to think of it as their loss.

[AbbeyBartlet]

I can dislike someone very quickly so no, it doesn't bother me when other people do the same to me. There doesn't have to be a specific reason for the dislike either. I admit I am quite rude when I don't like someone so I can hardly feel bad when it happens to me, iyswim.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

But why are you able to be rude, just because you don't like someone, Abbey? Is that even if they haven't actually been horrible to you? I always feel constrained by social niceties. Maybe I should try giving my antipathy free rein!

[ThornOfCamorr]

It used to bother me when I had my first dd (we have 3 now) but the older I get the less I care. With school relationships it could be something so trivial, for example the other mother didn't like something your child apparently did in class to hers or she read the situation wrongly. It could be over nothing. As far as friendships go outside of the school world, it's pretty much the same. This new friend in your group may be jealous and have her own insecurities which have absolutely nothing to do with you. Let them get on with it and you get on with the people who make you feel happy as backforgood said it is definitely their loss.

[shockinglybadteacher]

It doesn't work with some people. Totally not your fault, I bet you are lovely!

There's one woman who I know who's a friend of a friend. My friend esteems her highly and tells me what a fantastic person she is. Problem is, she hates me, and I can't work out why.

I get comments off her all the time like "Oh, you're very...outgoing, aren't you. I wouldn't behave like that, I don't think most people like it. But I dare say you think you know best." That isn't because I am madly vivacious and leaping up like an overenthusiastic dog, it's because I smile and shake hands when I meet someone. Or "You're certainly, ahem polite cough a striking personality. A bit extreme, some people would say". I am actually a bit shy and quiet, but my hair is not its natural colour and I know she doesn't approve of that.

You can't win with people who don't like you. Everything you do is magnified crazily and they believe you're a horrible person. The best thing to do is ignore them.

[AveryJessup]

It does upset me if someone is rude to me on the basis of not liking me. I've had this happen with a few people over the years, usually some women who seem to take an instant dislike to me, as you describe, without even getting to know me first.

Your post reminded me of a night out I had a couple of months ago - a friend invited me along with her friends (have young DC so don't get out much!) and one of her friends was absolutely vile to me the whole night. She picked an argument with me on things I said, smirked at comments I made, tore into me when I made a completely neutral remark to her that she decided take offense to (Her 'my mum won't travel at all, she just refuses to come and visit me so I have to take extra leave from work to go and see her' Me: 'Does she not like traveling?' Her: 'My mother is VERY well-traveled, VERY well-traveled, I'll have you know. She travels ALL the time actually!!' Me: 'Er, OK, I just asked because my mother hates flying, that's all...'). I gave up talking to her at that point and ignored her for the rest of the night. It was such a bizarre experience!

Usually it's a case of 'it says more about them than it does about you' and I try to keep that in mind but it is upsetting when it happens.

So I don't think YABU but I think YWBU to let these women get to you or disrupt your friendships.

[PrincessBabyCat]

I pretend not to care, and make a bit of a show of just how much I don't care by "not noticing" their dislike and answering sneery questions like I would for a friend. Nothing upsets a miserable person than knowing their effort has been wasted and unnoticed. But honestly when I find out someone doesn't like me, I feel insecure for a little bit spitefully dislike them right back. That'll teach 'em.

[AbbeyBartlet]

MrsRuff i just find it very difficult to mask my feelings when I don't have to (at work I have to, of course). Fortunately I don't meet many people so it's not too much of an issue. I am rarely verbally rude, I just blank people that I don't like.

[tanukiton]

I watch this happening once. Old flatmate A left. Flatmate B decided to make the next flatmates life hell, before they had even arrived ,as no one could take A's place. Horrible to watch. I left as couldn't stand to see it.

I did learn that if some one is being a mean bitch face, leave them to it.

[gertiegusset]

Can't you carry that ability to be nice to people at work over into every day life Abbey?
You can be nice but you don't have to blank people, you can just nod and say Hi and then move on?
Maybe have a short chat about shite, it's nice to be nice.

[mimishimmi]

I've had the 'instant dislike' thing quite a bit more than I used to over the past five years or so. People who don't know me talk to me and within a minute or two, they get this look and I know in that split second they have decided that they don't like me. I don't find it upsetting exactly as am pretty sure that I haven't said anything to cause that (have asked others) but I really can't help it if they just decide they don't like the look of me. I think I come across as smug although I honestly don't feel that way. I do feel a bit hurt rather than upset to be honest. Even if I don't like the look of someone I don't really know (which is rarely unless they are obviously acting obnoxiously), I don't blank them until they actually do something to confirm those feelings.

[AbbeyBartlet]

gertie I get what you are saying but it's only been in the last couple of years that I have been able to do it at work, and that took a lot of effort for me to change how I was. Luckily I have minimum contact with people outside work so it really doesn't come up much now.

[gertiegusset]

I would never blank someone unless they had actually done something or said something in my hearing that actually hurt me or mine.
Then I would hate them and that's another ball game.

I'll always be ok with everyone otherwise.

[gertiegusset]

Luckily I have minimum contact with people outside work so it really doesn't come up much now.

I'm a bit like that too, I don't see or socialise an awful lot but you need friends.
And if you don't like someone then that's ok, but remember they get hurt too.

[penguinplease]

I feel your pain op, I find it horrific!

I'm friendly to all, will help and do my best by people. I never slag anyone off , if I am offended or dislike someone myself I'm still friendly.
Sadly others aren't so nice, I actually posted similar to you in relationships last week as I was defriended on fb (I know..) by someone who I have 30 people in common with. Only me deleted. Cue me wracking my brains , worrying and generally feeling bad almost the whole weekend.

I'm over sensitive , I take far too much to heart. My real friends are amazing, I need to stop caring what others think and so do you!!

[Lanabelle]

Nope, I don't give too hoots. I'm happy with me in general, yes there are things about me I'm not exactly proud of and I have traits I don't like but overall I'm happy and I don't care what anyone else thinks.