Hubby made no effort for my birthday

[MummyKWP]

I am never usually like this...I'm usually the very understanding type, always making excuses for hubby. I never complain, we rarely argue, I'm always Mrs Positive & immensely grateful for everything, I never moan. However, it's my birthday on Sunday, and I've been reminding hubby for weeks now to make sure he gets me a card, more so that he doesn't feel awkward on the day if he hadn't got me one! (I sort of do it jokingly, but so that he knows I mean it!) he's away from 8am-10pm tomorrow doing a sporting event so I know he won't have time to get anything tomorrow. I met him in town today & had to actually say "don't forget the card shop"...and he said "oh yeah".
Then he handed me £50 & said "that's for your birthday".
I know I sound totally ungrateful, but even if he'd got me something that cost £5/£10, but chose it himself & wrapped it up & gave it to me as a surprise on my birthday I would have been so thrilled. I am the easiest person to buy for because I'm ridiculously grateful for everything. There are some lovely bath sets in the local shop for under a fiver & I've bought some as gifts for people & I told him a couple of weeks ago that I'd be delighted if someone got me something like that for my birthday, they're do pretty. Handing me cash makes me feel like he's put no thought or effort in to it at all. I honestly don't care about the cost.
We have a 1 year old daughter & I had to say to him maybe 10 times that I'd love her to "make" me a card. Anyway, he never did. So I had to make my own birthday card with her this afternoon, writing "happy birthday mummy" on the front & letting her scribble on it. Why couldn't he do that with her & give it to me on my birthday? And no, he hasn't already done it. I know for a fact because I literally spend every minute with her. He could have taken her into the other room & told me they were making me a card, I'd have loved that. I even left some cardboard & crayons out & told him where they were!
I make a huge effort for his birthday, with cards & presents from our daughter & me, etc. I plan it for months.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm a stay at home mum & just feel a bit under appreciated I suppose, not very special.

[phalanges]

No, of course you're not being unreasonable.

I would be devastated.

Enjoy your day with your daughter. He sounds rubbish.

[RedSoloCup]

I'm sad for you OP, this is all too common though they just don't think and plan like we do (bit of a generalisation but true).
My DH is a bit better than this but it's still all lastminute.com and often with me being in town with him and us having to 'split up' for a few mins...

I think you have to accept they just don't think the same and they don't love you less than you love them they just aren't like us :(

What will you and he be doing on Sunday maybe something nice?

[Only1scoop]

Aww Op he still has time to pull something out the bag....as unlikely as it seems.

I woke up on my birthday this year and witnessed my DP rushing out coming back with a crappy card and a roll of paper to wrap up a book he must have bought from Tesco ....as was a Sunday and all that's open in our little town....

I was sitting opening my cards with dd who is nearly 4...."but mummy I havn't bought you a card" so I was you OP sat there on my birthday with her making a card ....whilst he dashed around the supermarket to produce one.

I felt upset.

I understand how you feel. Wouldn't hurt him to think of you a bit more. Yes fifty pounds is nice but again not much thought just thrust in your hand.

It's my DP 50th on Sunday....

Hhhmmmmm.

[foslady]

YANBU. I have had this most birthdays off both h's whilst we were together and it hurts like hell to think that they can't even get a card. I know there will be people saying 'it's only a birthday get over it' but I don't subscribe to that one. I'm like you - a present is immaterial, just a card to say 'I remembered this is your special day out of 365'.

I hope you have a lovely day.

[foslady]

I also had someone special do this to me at Christmas.

They were told. I got an apology

[Eebahgum]

It's my birthday on Monday. Suspect I'll have a similar amount of effort made for me. Maybe we should send each other cards?

[Only1scoop]

Mummy and Eage
Pre birthday Bolly for you both

[Only1scoop]

Sorry Eeba

[queenofthepirates]

Each April I call my stepdad to make sure he's got my mum something nice, she'd be so upset if he didn't bother (then call me). If you're upset and he's not picking up on it,you can either start organising your own celebrations or make it abundantly clear he's rubbish and you're barely tolerating his behaviour.

[CuntyBunty]

Why are you spending every single minute with your DD? This means you never get valuable alone time and your DH never gets a look in with his DD.

Also, if he hasn't got you a card tomorrow (?), if you feel upset, you have my permission to cry. Make him feel shit for being lazy and thoughtless.

I understand how you could be upset. I cried on my 41st birthday, because it was fucking shit and I'd made a huge effort doing parties for DH and the DSs. It was no ones fault, we just happened to be travelling back from our holidays and I didn't want to eat fucking pizza, however nice, again, because the DSs wouldn't like the Lebanese restaurant we could have gone to instead.

[MyFabulousBoys]

It's mine soon and I know I'll have the same experience as you. He won't give me the cash though, just a passing "buy what you want" comment. It ruins it. No thought, no effort.

My family get grumpy with me because I am hard to buy for apparently. DSis got very irritable with me when I couldn't name something she could buy me. I find her tricky to buy for but I put the effort and thought into it and find something thoughtful. I seem to receive more attitude than anything.

Sympathies OP. It sucks.

[MummyKWP]

I really appreciate all your comments. Even just your sympathy has made me feel more appreciated!! ??

I cried a little!
I know I'm probably being dramatic. He never used to be like that, he used to be kinda romantic, just not recently.
I was in town with our daughter & couldn't get the car boot open to get the pram out so had to carry her around (she's walking, but runs off!) so she was throwing mini tantrums while I was carrying her & trying to choose myself a present!
I got myself a bag to keep baby stuff in while I'm out & about.

To try & make him feel bad I put it in a gift bag that I happened to have at home & I left it on the table, all wrapped up in tissue paper in the gift bag.
He asked me if I got anything nice, so I said it's a surprise! I'll hand it to myself on Sunday morning & see if he feels guilty. I should probably be more direct really! :)

I was going to sing happy birthday to myself when I get up to see to our daughter at 6am on Sunday morning & hope that he hears it through the monitor (I'm behaving like a 10 year old now!) ??

Luckily my brother is making me a dinner on Sunday lunchtime, with my parents, our daughter & my hubby all invited. I'm very lucky really. Hubby keeps forgetting it's happening though! ??

[Rivercam]

My dh has literally had that conversation with me.

"What do you want for your birthday? If you don't know, you'll end up with a cd again...." ( usually one he wants!)

[Rivercam]

Ps. Birthday is next week.

[MummyKWP]

Good idea! I feel your pain! :)

[MorrisZapp]

I really sympathise with this, but FabulousBoys, if you're asked openly what you want it is a bit rubbish not to even make a suggestion.

There's a fine line between celebrating birthdays in a fun way (which I am very much in favour of) and making them a test of other people's shopping abilities and knowledge of your tastes.

OP, I had a similar scene the day before Mother's Day. I actually sobbed with disappointment because DP simply could not understand, despite my heartfelt explanation, why a card from DS would mean so much to me. I got my message across and I did get a lovely card in the end but I had to really get brutal. Snot everywhere, grim scenes.

[Paleodad]

this is all too common though they just don't think and plan like we do (bit of a generalisation but true).

sorry redsolo but that's rubbish, and not true at all. I don't mean to sound harsh, but i think your statement is a prime example of patriarchal thinking that hands shit individuals an excuse to blame their thoughtlessness on their sex 'because we're wired differently'.

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

Dude. Be more direct. Be specific.

This is what you need to say to him " Next year I want a card, a cake, a cup of tea in bed, those nice bath things and a surprise. I want a card from DD. I want DD to sing happy birthday to me. I don't want to buy and wrap my own present again"

And tell him how much this year has hurt you and don't minimise it. He is your family too and he should be making the effort as much as your parents and brother.

Feeling unappreciated is soul destroying.

Happy Birthday.

He needs to do this for you because birthday celebrations matter to you.

[Only1scoop]

Op I understand that bit about 'he used to be more thoughtful' etc....

My Dp was the same ....was over the top with extravagant gifts....cards....flowers constantly for about the first few years.

I think when you know they have it in them ....and have just mutated into thoughtless idiots.....then the whole 'remind them' thing is harder to swallow.

Singing happy birthday to yourself over monitor at 6am....love it

[MrsAtticus]

YANBU, but to offer an alternative perspective - if you allowed him to do something special for you in his own way, rather than specifying what you want, you may be presently surprised. Is it really a pleasure to receive a card/gift you've had to beg for?

[CuntyBunty]

And why won't you be getting a lie in on your birthday, with your DH getting up at 6 am with your DD?

[Only1scoop]

Cunty YES....

No singing at 6am for you Op

You have already said he is out at an event all day tmrw....you will be ready for a break and a lie in.

[mameulah]

You sound like me. I totally understand.

After my dh's disappointing Mother's Day efforts (my birthday was the week after) that made me cry and cry and cry I made it clear that I wanted to feel a bit important on my birthday. Especially because I am not the sort of person to go around telling everyone that it is my birthday or to ever want a big party. I honestly cried so much that he definitely got the hint.

My birthday arrived and I did get two lovely cards from him and our pfb. But the gift I got was just the most disappointing thing ever. (And I am sorry if I sound horrible and unappreciative). It was a fancy 'yummy mummy' ante natal beauty pack. Which basically means I got bloody stretch mark cream. I haven't said anything about it yet but I will.

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE on Easter I made sure that everyone got given lovely treats. My DH's treat was a small bottle of champagne to enjoy with the Easter Roast that I cooked for our family meal. And my treat. Well, nothing? I don't necessarily think that he should be sitting, the night before Easter, thinking of what little thing he could spoil me with but after he sees that EVERYONE has been given something a little bit special I reckon he could have bought be a bloody creme egg or something.

My DH is also great, an excellent provider and wonderful father. But he was brought up in a house where nobody bothered about making each other feel extra special and it annoys me that because of that I get the rough end of the stick.

DISCLAIMER. I know I am really lucky.

[MummyKWP]

Thank you all. I will take your advice & stop being such a pussy! :)
TeaMakesItAllPossible, thank you for being so specific...I needed that! And I actually felt quite touched that you actually listened to me (read my message properly) and even picked up on the bath things!! :) If someone I don't know can take note of something like that, I can't believe hubby can't!
Thanks again all, thanks for listening!

[mumteedum]

Don't be passive aggressive. Be direct and honest. And I mean this in a nice way. Don't start putting up with feeling unimportant. I'm right there. It's shit.

I have had nothing for mothers day ever. It's my big 40 this year and he hasn't even twigged. I mentioned it but he'll have forgotten again now. Even when mentioned, he just said. 'what do u want '. Like you, I want him to want to bother!