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AIBU to want DH to cancel his op until after holiday?

(106 Posts)
WanttogotoDisney Tue 01-Apr-14 18:58:33

DH has had backache for as long as I have known him. He had an op 10+ years ago which didn't cure his pain and he understood that nothing further could be done. I have nagged endlessly over the past 8 years for him to see someone else but he has always insisted that it is pointless.

A few weeks ago his GP persuaded him to see a back specialist. He did and amazingly it appeared that there was a relatively routine fix to the problem (the first op having been a botched job). He was delighted and could not wait to have the op. I wholeheartedly agree that he should have the op but I had reservations on timing as we are taking the DC to Disneyland California next month and I do not believe he will be sufficiently recovered in time (6 week recovery period). We have been planning the trip for 11 months and I don't want let the DC down (not to mention that I am really looking forward to it).

He had the op last week and unfortunately things did not go to plan. Once they opened him up they discovered that they did not have the correct instrumentation so they closed him up again without having done anything. Now -as well as having to recover from last week's op - he needs to have a much more complicated surgery - its akin to a c-section to get to his spine from the front - with a longer recovery period. This is planned for tomorrow. We leave for holiday in less than 5 weeks and I have asked him to delay until we get back but he refuses and insists that he will be fine.

Believe me, if this was an emergency situation or he was in unbearable pain, I would not hesitate to cancel the holiday so he can have the op and a proper recovery period. But this is long term pain which he has managed with for the last 10 years and I don't see why he can't wait for another 6 weeks. DH says that my negativety is pissing him off which is not the way I want things to be.

Ready for a flaming if IABU. Am I?

WhatsTheWordHummingbird Tue 01-Apr-14 19:02:45

I dont think YABU. I would want dh to manage for a few more weeks as I think the alternative would be worse.

However, if he does go ahead, it is his body and his decision.

I would be carrying on regardless with the holiday plans and the daily trips out and he could always relax in the Hotel islf he feels he still needs more rest timw.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 01-Apr-14 19:03:25

Yeah a bit.

I'm guessing after ten years he's looking forward to not being in pain.

Added to which they already opened him up last week, I'd just want it over with if I was him.

UncleT Tue 01-Apr-14 19:04:41

I can empathise with your frustration. If he's suffered for ten years though, and also with the hassle over the abortive attempt recently, one cannot blame him for wanting to be fixed ASAP now he's been told it's possible. There's no real easy answer, certain amount of sympathy on both sides for me. I think that fixing a decade of pain just wins out though, but I'd still be hopeful you can all still make the holiday.

Fleta Tue 01-Apr-14 19:05:36

Yes I think you are being a bit unreasonable BUT I can totally understand your disappointment.

Your H must be so desperately looking forward to being pain free. Not to mention how unfair it would be to back out of tomorrow's op at this late stage as it would be unlikely the slot could be filled.

Iggi101 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:06:28

Will he be insured to travel so soon after the op? Would he like to be the one to explain to the dcs that they can't go? I can see why he'd wasn't it over with, but must be frustrating for his dw after years of asking him to go to the docs..

Iggi101 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:07:14

And, if necessary you should go without him.

parakeet Tue 01-Apr-14 19:07:32

I sympathise but YABU

Fairenuff Tue 01-Apr-14 19:07:35

Well he clearly can't do both so he either has the operation and cancels the holiday, or has the holiday and postpones the op. What does he say about cancelling, will you lose your money?

WanttogotoDisney Tue 01-Apr-14 19:10:24

Thanks. I appreciate the sensitivity of your relies. I was preparing to be told that I am awful for putting a holiday above my DH's health. Of course I want my DH to be pain free and I have been feeling horrible about everything.

Having had a c-section myself I'm convinced that he will not manage a 12 hour flight and long days walking around Disneyland in 5 weeks time and knowing my DH won't want to admit he can't which will exaccebate the problem.

BadgersRetreat Tue 01-Apr-14 19:10:33

A month is a fair recovery time...what do you do on holiday?

...if you're going trekking he's in trouble grin

...if you're going to lay on a sunlounger for a week then he should be ok to do that I'd think?

BadgersRetreat Tue 01-Apr-14 19:11:19

ah xpost

WanttogotoDisney Tue 01-Apr-14 19:14:26

The holiday is cancellable but irreplaceable in that I booked the flights to LA on Airmiles 11 months ago and I will never be able to get those flights again. The DC start school this year so we will be much more restricted in when we can travel.

But anyway DH insists we are going!

WilsonFrickett Tue 01-Apr-14 19:14:43

He may have to limit what he does on holiday, but he should still be able to travel if all goes well. I think the chance of bring pain-free after 10 years trumps everything, but I do also understand your pov.

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 01-Apr-14 19:14:44

The thing is if he misses the slot it could take months to get another slot.

If I was in pain for 10 years and there was a cure, that would come before a holiday.

I would see if you could postpone the holiday.

whatever5 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:15:29

I can understand your disappointment but I think YABU to try and stop him getting his back sorted when he has been in pain for so long. For him the possibility of being pain free for the first time in 10 years probably far outweighs a holiday.

If he can't go will insurance cover the cost? Alternatively could a relative/friend go on the trip with you instead of him?

OhYouBadBadKitten Tue 01-Apr-14 19:15:56

If hes having it on the nhs they will be really pissed off if he cancels - noone else would be able to take the slot at such short notice and so it will cost them a fair amount of money (planned theatre time plus associated staff) and it would mean that he would take up another slot another time thus extending the waiting list for everyone.

LEMmingaround Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:02

Hang on a minute - they opened him up and then realised they didn't have the right instruments????? shock That cannot be true surely??

WilsonFrickett Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:26

If DCs are stil pre-school age there is a limit to how much they can pack into a day, and a day by the pool in the sun will be just as exciting for them as anything else. You'll all get more out of two half-days at the parks than one long day at that age.

WanttogotoDisney Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:34

It's private so the timing is completely flexible. Last week's op was on 10 days notice and this week's op would have been sooner but the surgeon was away for the weekend.

Moreisnnogedag Tue 01-Apr-14 19:17:31

Um I don't think your insurance company will be happy - they will either exclude anything to do with his back or rank up your premiums.

Plus I take it he's having an abdominal approach to the spine - that's a big ol' op. A lot of stuff needs to be moved out of the way! 5 weeks is too soon IMO. What have his surgeons said?

WanttogotoDisney Tue 01-Apr-14 19:18:17

LEM I kid you not! World renowned fancy private hospital and a schoolboy error.

He has screws in his back which were put in 10 years ago and they literally did not have the right type of screwdriver.

LEMmingaround Tue 01-Apr-14 19:18:50

ohyoubadkitten is right - he will go to the back of the waiting list if he is on the NHS.

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 01-Apr-14 19:19:17

Would this help.

* that they did not have the correct instrumentation* they didn't have the right tools as it was a more complex surgery.

ICanSeeTheSun Tue 01-Apr-14 19:19:37

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