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DB and SIL don't want toddler DGS to visit their house

(109 Posts)
Dressingdown1 Mon 26-Aug-13 16:46:56

DS and his family live abroad and only visit once every 2 or 3 years. DS has always been close to DB but SIL doesn't like children much and they don't have any children. DS and family are currently staying with us and DB and SIL have been to visit us a couple of times and DB in particular has been quite interested in the family and done some nice things with them.

DB has been pressing DS to visit him at his place so the other day, when we knew we would be visiting some friends near DB's we called SIL and asked if we could all pop in. The answer was a definite NO, because of DGS.

DGS is just over 2 and a pretty typical toddler. He does twiddle knobs and play with forbidden things within his reach, but no worse than any other child and better than some (including DS when he was small)

I am upset with DB and so is DS. DB says we are being illogical and absolutely ridiculous to feel like that and we need to get over it. I am surprised by his reaction because he and I are normally very close and see things the same way.

What do you think? I really need some perspective on this situation.

VodkaJelly Mon 26-Aug-13 17:44:13

A thread before - a woman wants to stop her DP from drinking as he is a mean drunk and will throw away any alcohol in the house - massive chorus from MN - ITS HIS HOUSE TOO, if he wants to drink he can

In this thread - the brother invites people over and the sil says no, but thats ok as she doesnt have to have visitors in the house if she doesnt want to.

But its the brothers house aswell and if he wants to invite people over then he can because ITS HIS HOUSE TOO.

GrendelsMum Mon 26-Aug-13 17:44:22

Yes, I think that's all it was. A misunderstanding.

northernlurker Mon 26-Aug-13 17:45:21

'SIL says she did want to have children, but for various reasons it didn't happen' - eeeek. I think this may be the root of the issue and it's nothing to do with your grandson's behaviour nor is it anything you can fix.
So maybe she wanted dcs, tried for them, dreamed about them but didn't have them. Now your ds is visiting and your db is getting on well with him, there's slap in the face number one - she can see her dh having a father son type relationship and enjoying it. Slap number two he wants to bring his baby round to her house. How long have they lived there btw?
I can see why she's said no and I think the best thing to do is just ignore teh whole situation and count your blessings.

PresidentServalan Mon 26-Aug-13 17:47:41

And YWBU not to check with your DSIL before assuming that your DGS was welcome, especially as you know she doesn't like kids.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 17:53:45

I just don't see how it's any if your business. this is between your db and ds.

if people don't want a 2 year old in their house then that's up to them. soooo funny at posters saying they would have a word.. how on Earth is it anyone's business.

I have 4 kids youngest now 13 and was a cm.

now I actually would dread having a 2 year old in my house to be honest they are a pita. well mine were anyway.

I expect I won't mind my gc but don't want random toddlers round thanks.

don't blame tour sil to be honest.

reelingintheyears Mon 26-Aug-13 17:54:31

Well I think it sounds very mean OP.

One child, a family member for a couple of hours shouldn't be a problem at all.
The fact that she may or may not want her own DC is neither here nor there, sad but you can't go through life avoiding your family because they have children.

PresidentServalan Mon 26-Aug-13 17:57:10

You can if you feel that strongly about it, reeling! I know people who don't attend family gatherings etc because there will be children there.

Booboostoo Mon 26-Aug-13 17:58:40

If SIL is worried about her home, couldn't you meet up somewhere more child friendly, like a restaurant that welcomes children?

If SIL feels sad around children because she couldn't have any then I think you need to be compationate and leave it all alone.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 18:01:53

depends on the children!! some in our extended family are avoided like the fucking plague.

I think the mean camp here have 2 year olds.😃

been there done that. fuck off to meddling trashing toddlers rampaging in my non child proof house thanks.

PresidentServalan Mon 26-Aug-13 18:02:17

Some people feel sad around children of course if they have had problems conceiving, but some just can't stand children!

reelingintheyears Mon 26-Aug-13 18:03:53

You are joking thebody.

My DC are grown up, the youngest is 19!

ShadowSummer Mon 26-Aug-13 18:06:55

DB should have made it very clear that his invite only applied to DS, given SIL's feelings about not wanting children to visit.

And I agree that SIL wanting children and not having them may be behind the no children stance, it's possible that her not having the children she wanted may still be a very painful subject for her.

If it wasn't for that, I'd agree that the ban on your DGS visiting would be odd, unless their house is much more hazardous to small children than a smaller house.

ShadowSummer Mon 26-Aug-13 18:08:23

don't know where "smaller" came from! Should have been "normal"....

reelingintheyears Mon 26-Aug-13 18:09:35

Yes, but how rude is that to only invite, want to see one family member who lives abroad and visits rarely.
Especially when his Mum is your sister and obviously delighted to have her family here.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 26-Aug-13 18:09:37

"DB has been pressing DS to visit him at his place"

"I am upset with DB and so is DS. DB says we are being illogical and absolutely ridiculous to feel like that and we need to get over it."

Maybe DB only meant for the invite to be to your DS, maybe he didn't. But my reading is that once his wife said no, he felt he had to give her his full backing (hence blaming you and DS for getting it wrong). Regardless, your DB is being a bit if a prick here. Had he said "Ah, sorry, just meant for DS to come over, you know DSIL's feelings about children so I took it for granted you'd know DGS in our house would be a bad idea" - you and DS would probably not been upset. Instead, he said that you were "being illogical and absolutely ridiculous to feel like that", and so you and DS are understandably upset. Who wouldn't be when called illogical and absolutely ridiculous?

Your brother is well aware that he is in the wrong, but he is not man enough to own up to it.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 18:11:26

ha ha Reeling. still think its up to the sil and not mean but her choice.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 26-Aug-13 18:13:00

I think the SIL is being massively unreasonable but I don't think anyone should or can say anything about the unfairness to the OPs brother. That's his battle to fight (if he disagrees with her)

I think that all you can do is suggests meetings elsewhere.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 18:15:36

and how many times on mumsnet do we ask for the dh to back up his partner. here he is right or wrong.

reelingintheyears Mon 26-Aug-13 18:18:20

I'd back DP and he me, always.

But when we were alone i'd tell him if I thought he was BU.

I certainly don't always agree with DP and happily tell him so. grin

sameoldIggi Mon 26-Aug-13 18:19:48

I think the sil had a third choice, she could have "had something to do" that would take her out of the house for an hour. So, her husband could actually have his own nephew and great-nephew to visit.
I suspect the visits will dry up now anyway.

QuintessentialOldDear Mon 26-Aug-13 18:23:08

Why would you think that your brother inviting your adult son to his place would mean that your son was to bring his parents, partner and children too? I am confused.

solarbright Mon 26-Aug-13 18:24:18

I've never before heard of someone refusing to have a child (as in any old child, rather than a specific troublemaker) in their home - MN continues to provide an amazing insight into other people's neuroses.

Anyway, I'd treat SIL kindly, sympathy and support and all that. Can't be easy keeping up that level of intolerance.

Sister77 Mon 26-Aug-13 18:26:37

Yanbu miserable cunts

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 26-Aug-13 18:27:13

Hmm. When my DS was 1.5-3(ish) visiting my mum was sheer hell. She always explained that ornaments were put away, the medical supplies were under lock and key, etc, etc.. She tried to show no emotion when the sunlight showed the little finger prints on highly polished furniture; newspaper was placed under his seat at the table. And he always hit his head on something at perfect toddler head height.

OTH with DC of my own I only had my SiL and her 3 year old in my house once (she lives abroad and has three now). His behaviour was that of a vandal, furniture was damaged and she made no effort, no effort whatsoever to set a boundary or guide (it's more relaxed in Aus you know). Remembers pile of dirty pull ups left by the side of the bed. Nope, SiL and her dc were never invited to stay again and when MIL asked I said "terribly sorry but we already have visitors that week". We didn't but my mum and step dad came up smile

solarbright Mon 26-Aug-13 18:30:56

Marriedinwhite - well, yes, we all certain children (and more to the point, feckless parents) we don't want in the house!

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