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Was this really inconsiderate?

(123 Posts)
RantyMcRantpants Fri 26-Jul-13 08:23:00

We've just come back to the UK for a holiday. We spent a few days at my FILs house and then a week at my Mum and Dads.

During that week we've been out and about meeting and catching up with friends and so have been out a lot. The washing machine has been on every day at Mums insistence and as I've been out she's done my ironing. I would have quite happily done it when I could fit it in.

Every morning they've been up 'looking' after the three kids. They didn't have to, the kids are quite happy to get their own breakfast bars and juice and play quietly. One gets up around 7am, the other 8am and the third we usually wake when we get up. I haven't asked them to so any of this and they have made no comment. We've been waking at any where between 8am and 9am.

We are of for a week to see other relatives and got up this morning and got ready quietly and left early, leaving them to sleep so we could get on the road as it is going to be a 6-7 hour journey. We got about 3/4 hour away and I had a face book message to return immediately as mum is having a panic attack because we had left with out saying goodbye. When I phoned to say where we were I got a mouthful to say how inconsiderate we were to leave with out saying goodbye and they had looked after our kids for us and ironed and done all sorts for us.

We've eaten out most days and I've done a top up shop for them. I got them an orchid and wine to say thank you.

We've just had to drive 3/4 of an hour back to say goodbye. I was going to ring when we stopped and when we got there. We will see them in a weeks time.

We're we inconsiderate?

ll31 Fri 26-Jul-13 19:28:01

Yabu not to say goodbye. Slightly weird even.

RantyMcRantpants Fri 26-Jul-13 20:26:36

She's quite good with the passive agressive and emotional stuff.

When I rang to say we had arrived it was like nothing had happened but I know it will be filed away and mentioned later.

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 20:41:59

Are you being "punished" for moving so far away?

We are in Germany & my ILs have "punished" us by never visitingconfusedhmm result grin

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 20:56:21

How can people think that OP is unreasonable?

She said goodbye the night before!

I'd be sorely tempted to see very little of her next week!

And wake her up at 3am to say goodbye!

Goodness me, a grown woman behaving like that because she got up to find her visitors had left early as they said they were going to

And as for OPs father berating & demanding that they return!

Justforlaughs Fri 26-Jul-13 21:01:20

Maybe you were a bit rude not to make it clear that you wouldn't wake them and then left without saying goodbye, but driving 45 minutes back again is ridiculous tbh.

harrietspy Fri 26-Jul-13 21:09:39

Yanbu. You told them night before you'd be leaving early. You also left a note.

Hope the rest of your stay passes without incident!

bellablot Fri 26-Jul-13 21:36:11

Yes you were inconsiderate, you should of at least said goodbye.

However, why people mention things that they've done for you, so called altruistically is beyond me, winds me right up. Next time tell her you'll do your own ironing etc

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Fri 26-Jul-13 21:38:42

Having a panic attack and insisting you return to say goodbye properly definitely sounds OTT. Although I do think it's generally a bit inconsiderate to leave without saying goodbye unless you've made your plans explicitly clear and know your hosts are fine with this.

In the future, I'd be making it very very clear what you mean by early - i.e "We'll be leaving at 5am (or whatever) because we want to be early enough to beat the traffic, so we won't wake you and will say goodbye tonight"

maddening Fri 26-Jul-13 21:52:24

I don't think you were inconsiderate - it sounds more like a misunderstanding - your dm was ridiculous to make you drive back.

nannynewo Sat 27-Jul-13 00:02:45

Yes, YABU not to have said good bye. But your mum was BU for making you drive back.

A nice pressie and a sorry should make it up to her :D

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 27-Jul-13 06:04:22


You said you would leave early. You said goodbye the night before. Your DM always leaves early when she has a long drive to avoid traffic.

And then you left early.

Unless they said "ok - wake us up before you go to say goodbye" and you didn't I don't get the problem.

Re: the ironing - my mum does this. I have to confess to not being desperately grateful as other than work shirts and things for weddings we never bother with ironing - just hang well to dry. However, I see it as what it is - her demonstrating she loves us in the best way she knows.

If she then threw it back at me I'd be quite annoyed.

With hindsight - and knowing your mum's drama queen tendencies - I'd have said "we are expecting to leave about 6am - do you want us to wake you or be really quiet" but you 'll know for next time.

Unless you are all about to fly to Mars on a 3 year mission you are unlikely to survive I think your mum's panic attack is beyond ridiculous.

NutcrackerFairy Sat 27-Jul-13 06:38:53

Sorry, I have only read two pages of this but had to post.

There is absolutely no way YABU here and I actually can't believe some people think you are!

I also can't believe you drove all that way back to say good-bye, your DM needs to put on her big girl pants and grow the fuck up!

Imo helping out a little with babysitting of their grandchildren and maybe some ironing is something most parents would do without all the emotional blackmail and drama.

You said your good-byes the night before. You bought parents a thoughtful thank you present. You were considerate enough not to wake parents when you left early the next morning.

Really I would not buy into your Mother's drama llama stuff. She is being ridiculous.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 07:50:25


If her mother was that bothered, why didn't she tell OP to wake her, whatever the time!

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 07:51:50

And they are all seeing her again in a week's time!

Jinty64 Sat 27-Jul-13 08:09:02

I wouldn't stay with your parents in a weeks time. Book a hotel room for a few nights so that they are not inconvenienced and then go to PIL. I think they are the ones being unreasonable. Imagine throwing back in your face the things they did for you!

When I used to take the children to stay with my Mum she did everything for us, even brought me a cup of tea in bed in the morning - because she wanted to. When she was no longer able I did everything for her.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sat 27-Jul-13 08:53:11

Gawd, your mum sounds like hard work. Next time she will wonder why you are not staying with them and cannot afford to stay as long (due to you having to fork out for accommodation). You have my full sympathies, my mum is a nightmare for weird behaviour and passive aggressive crap.

We live abroad and the last time we went back for a visit they said 'oh make yourself at home, use this room as if it were your won etc etc' but they came in everyday and rearranged everything and 'tidied up' so we felt really awkward and uncomfortable! I couldn't relax! (sorry rant over)

chillinwithmyyonis Sat 27-Jul-13 10:41:32

I wouldn't want to stay with my parents if I felt I had to buy a big expensive gift to say thank you, for those saying a bottle of wine and orchid is a crap gift. And op should offer more than a top up shop? If you can't afford to host guests, your own children and GC ffs, without remittance then don't.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:49:56

I don't think that that's quite fair chillin.

Depending on circs, 2 adults & 3 kids can make quite a difference.

My dad's a pensioner.

I wouldn't expect him to pay for meals for us 4 all the time.

He's also on a water meter.

One time we were there the water consumption was double his usage in half the time period!

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:51:31

Posted too soon.

So, staying with Dad is cheaper than renting somewhere.

He doesn't expect presents, but I don't expect him to host us all either!

RantyMcRantpants Sat 27-Jul-13 10:55:11

Thanks all, seems to be an even split in IAU and IANU.

didl no there is no punishment. We lived abroad a lot as a family when we were kids and moved all over the place and when I told her we were moving her very first reaction was " fantastic, free holidays!"

First morning in our holiday home and it is bliss.

It's been great to have different perspectives on everything so thanks for everything. We are staying at FIL when we get back so will be able to see and do things with her and then go away again.

diddl Sat 27-Jul-13 10:57:39

So you are in Cornwall atm?

I'm not jealous, no, not at all!

lljkk Sat 27-Jul-13 11:19:36

You can't win. I would have killed you if you woke me up to only to say good bye for 10 days (I'm such a bad sleeper).

Mom was very OTT with the panic attack nonsense but maybe you should spelled out the "I'll say goodbye now in the evening in case we don't see you in the morning." Bit of misunderstanding both sides.

throckenholt Sat 27-Jul-13 12:02:05

I would have left a note before leaving - sorry we missed you this morning - didn't want to wake you. Thanks for everything this week - see you next week, love Ranty.

But equally there is no way I would have drive back 3/4 of an hour (an extra 1.5 hours on a long journey with kids). I would have - sorry we upset mum - we didn't intend to, we did say we were leaving early and then say as above.

I think your mum probably doesn't like the fact that you live away, wanted to show you how much you are missing by not living near her. Shame you looked at your facebook while travelling - if you hadn't seen it til later it would have been easier. Odd way to communicate - maybe your dad wanted to send you the message, but didn't really want you to see it too soon - that way he did what your mum wanted but hopefully it wouldn't hassle you - sounds like it misfired.

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