to think that he is a potential rapist?(158 Posts)
I could really do with some words of wisdom.
Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.
On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.
He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty
hadn't finished typing!
Sorry it's so long but I needed to get it out and have some help analysing. There are other things that have set alarm bells.
-he smashed his laptop in anger
-he's fallen out with all his siblings
-he's quit his job and given up his flat for no reason
-he has to go to the gym/have sex to release his aggression
My instincts are telling me to run.. help... please! x
Just tell him. If it gets nasty call the police.
Tell him you don't want to see him again and block his number.
I'd call 101 for advice and get your concerns logged , even if you just say that you feel scared that he may bother you at home.
I agree. Just tell him. There are red flags all over the place here.
That last encounter sounds very scary.
God he sounds vile and has some strange ideas about sex.
It clearly makes you uncomfortable so don't see him again.
Text him "I don't want to see you again" then do not respond to him ever again.
It really is that simple.
Trust your instincts and don't see him again
Nothing you write describes a man it would make you happy to get tangled up with
Some guys/women like the submissive/dominant sexual relationship, dirty talk etc.
You are not one of those people. You are not well matched. Tell him you're not interested anymore via text/phone and stick to your guns.
Whether he is sinister or just likes things a bit rougher and more aggressive than you are used to and like, the answer is the same. Cut all contact.
Send one brief message saying something along the lines of you enjoyed spending time with him but are not looking for anything romantic at them moment, wish him well with something he is doing with his life and say goodbye.
Do not respond to any further messages, if he gets aggressive or turns up at your house do not answer the door and call the police if you feel threatened.
Trust your instincts and end it.
You can't be 100% that you're right, but the fact is you're at the beginning of a relationship - you shouldn't be with anyone you're feeling uneasy towards. It should be all hearts and flowers and finding his farts cute. Don't sell yourself short, problems are for later the initial attraction should be fun not something you have to make allowances with.
I would personally phone, but could understand if you'd prefer to text, and tell him that you just don't see the relationship going in the direction you want to and it's best to end things now. Add some flannel about staying in touch if you really feel you must, but then completely ignore any attempts at contact.
red flags like bunting.
he won't see anything untoward in his behaviour, especially as you have previously told him that he has 'freaked you out' & he's just carried on anyway. I'm also very sorry that you felt beholden to have sex with him when you didn't want to and you felt that he would carry on regardless of what you wanted.
I wouldn't contact him. If he contacts you, I would say that you have had second thoughts and do not wish to pursue the relationship. don't offer any further explanation. If he persists, say that you have made a decision and you will not change your mind. If he still keeps on at you, turn off your phone (if possible) & stick in in a drawer overnight.
Sadly, I don't see any point on calling him on his behaviour as it's likely to make him cross and as you've stated that he has anger issues and you're worried that he knows where you live and could get nasty. Don't go for coffee with him again! he won't change and it isn't your job to change him.
The way you've described it sounds very scary indeed and you definitely need to put an end to any involvement with this man asap.
It may very well be that he is not a sinister person at all but likes rougher sex than you do. In itself, that's fine if his partner enjoys it too. You DON'T enjoy it and it's freaking you out, so YANBU even a bit to call it a day and have nothing more to do with him.
IF he gets nasty or you feel intimidated at all, you can ring 101 for advice. They will help you.
Your instincts are right - run. Or rather, cut contact with him.
Just text him to say it's not working for you and you don't want to see him again. If he calls round, you don't answer the door and tell him to go away. You can be polite but firm. If he persists, you involve the police.
I certainly would end this relationship now. It would be very foolish indeed to continue to see this man. Alarm bells are ringing in your head as they would in mine. Trust your instinct.
I'd get a new phone number and a new email address. Swap over your contacts minus him. Then go stay with a friend/ family for the weekend. Then tell him it's over and you don't want to see him again using your old number/email.
Leave the old voicemail and email active but don't check it for a week or two. If you're having problems with him, check the old voicemail and email for messages and take that evidence wiith your concerns to the police. If you are not having problems with him, put the emails and messages away in a drawer and keep them for 6 months or so in case he comes back again.
I don't know why you had any contact with him at all after those initial texts. Now, though, you know you have to stop contact.
Send him a text and say you think it's better to stop contact and you wish him all the best. Don't respond to any more texts.
You know something? He knew how you felt that night. Remember that when you think about contact with him.
Distance yourself & don't antagonise him. Be careful.
No one gives up their job and flat for 'no reason'. Next thing you know he'll be trying to ask you if he can stay 'just one night'. You don't sound like the type of person who will be able to say no. Please find a way of getting rid asap. Good luck xx
Your instincts are the most important thing here. Tell someone in RL so that they can support you and have your back if necessary.
Cut contact, don't give him a reason and don't antogonise him (else he may get obsessed or feel like you need to be "won")
Whilst I don't think its entirely fair to put the rapist label on someone without them actually raping anyone, clearly this man has severe anger issues and if you're not feeling comfortable around him now (when he's presumably trying to make an impression) then you never will. Did he actually tell you he has to have sex to release agression as well because that sounds like an attempt at intimidation. Basically "if you don't have sex, who knows what I might do...".
I am sorry and I don't want to be hysterical but I think if you "gave in" because you didn't think he would stop if you didn't then you were forced into having sex.
Don't meet with him or engage with him anymore, delete his number. You don't have to give him an explanation. Call 999 if he gets threatening or violent.
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