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Can you tell me if we’re being unreasonable or she is? (sorry long)

(96 Posts)
Isitmeorher Fri 07-Jun-13 11:41:43

I have worked with this lovely bloke for a couple of years. We were both made redundant last year. I got a new job near where I live and was able to put in a good word for him, and he managed to get a job there too. But it was further away from his home so he and his wife agreed it would be better for him to stay local during the week, rather than the exhausting commute. Rather than stay in the City he rents in a village near me.

I’ve always been able to talk to him and him to me. I went through a bad break up and I was able to cry on his shoulder, discuss everything that went wrong. He really helped. He also opened up to me about his marital problems, and I hope I'm helping him.

He is the only one at my new job that knows I have bad OCD. I hate anything to do with touching, and cannot handle stuff if others have. So if someone leaves anything like a jumper on my chair, he has to come up and move it for me. He also comes to help me with my horses occasionally, and we have walks together.

I lent him a couple of self-help books and told him that I thought his wife was unhappy because of the lack of affection. He started sending her texts, and would kiss and cuddle her as soon as he got home etc. Just generally being more touchy feely. Buying her little gifts (flowers, chocolate etc)

Instead of being happier his wife got more upset.

She has now accused us of having an emotional affair. I have issues with intimacy so I don’t want a sexual relationship, but I like having a male friend who treats me now and again, and who I can spend time with just talking. I can and do tell him anything and he’s the same with me. He says he cannot talk to her as it would embarrass him if he came across as weak. He feels he has to protect her. I know he has lied to her about how often he sees me outside of work and he deletes all the texts we send each other, so she doesn't get upset. But she has found out about all this.

She got him to fill out the questionnaire in the Shirley Glass’ book NOT Just Friends. He scored 5 out of 8 which is apparently not good. He also answered Yes to the question as to whether he loves me or not – but only as a friend, as I love him. I would do anything for him and he for me. He also said No to the Touching question as I don’t like being touched so it was irrelevant to our friendship.

She is also upset as she feels that he is only friends with me as I’m the opposite of her in looks. She has low self-esteem issues, she cannot get out of the house as she has to care for their ill child. She has put on weight, can’t get her hair done, go to the gym etc So she also feels she bores him. Apparently she says that if I was old and ugly this friendship wouldn’t have happened.

She is now saying that he has to stop our friendship or leave her.

It’s not my fault she’s insecure so why shouldn’t I keep seeing this lovely man, it's not as if we're having sex.

So is she BU or are we?

Justfornowitwilldo Fri 07-Jun-13 11:44:32

Ha ha ha ha.


Cravey Fri 07-Jun-13 11:44:39

Oh love you are at the cusp of an affair. He is married. It's his place to treat his wife now and again. Not you. Step away. Fast. If I was his wife I too would be unhappy. Everything you have written is pointing to the fact that this is the start of something more. Put yourself in her shoes. If you knew your husband was telling lies about another woman how would you feel ? You know it's got to stop.

StealthPolarBear Fri 07-Jun-13 11:45:23

Im sorry I wouldnt be happy with my dh discussing the detaiks of our marriage with female friends (and wouldnt be thrilled with make friends either). It also does sound as thougb you aren't being fully honest with yourself about your relationship with him

Branleuse Fri 07-Jun-13 11:50:10

i wouldnt be happy if i was his wife either. I think if you were up for being touched, he'd be touching you up like a shot.

Just because you have issues with physical intimacy, doesnt mean you get to have all your emotional intimacy fulfilled by someone elses husband, and she has to accept whatever he decides is left over for his wife

chubbymomie2012 Fri 07-Jun-13 11:52:08

I am afraid I think u r being very unreasonable. I would feel the same as his wife if it were me. I'm not even convinced you believe what u have written. I think u know exactly that this friendship is crossing the line. As the pp says you need to step away fast otherwise the break up of their marriage will be partly ur responsibility. If u were his friend u would see that and tell him to back off. Should u not be telling him to support his wife who is stuck at home minding a sick child while he is galavanting with you!
Waken up to this situation and do the right thing!

Morgause Fri 07-Jun-13 11:52:56

Do the decent thing and back off.

GroupieGirl Fri 07-Jun-13 11:53:25

What Bran said. With bells on.

ilovechips Fri 07-Jun-13 11:55:41

Is this a reverse aibu?

Anyway the husband is being spectacularly unreasonable, if he can't talk to his wife he should leave. Your attitude towards the wife is condescending at best. You basically want a husband but not the sex that goes with it - find your own husband.

ThingummyBob Fri 07-Jun-13 11:56:31


So is he the shit


Feminine Fri 07-Jun-13 11:57:17

I think that because you have issues with being touched, this is as good as a love affair for you. Maybe not intentionally though?

I wouldn't want my DH having a natter with another woman about me and our life either.

You'll need to get this sorted soon.

LittleMissFuckedOff Fri 07-Jun-13 11:58:13

You're having an emotional affair. You need to get out of your "friend's" marriage ASAP.

thompson369 Fri 07-Jun-13 11:59:12

The fact that he is lying to his wife and deleting texts is a big issue too - I'd be unhappy if I found out my dh was lying to me about how often he was seeing his "friend".

Scruffey Fri 07-Jun-13 11:59:28

Agree with Bran - all your emotional intimacy is coming from someone else's husband. And that is wrong and I think yes, it constitutes an emotional affair. The time he is spending walking etc with you - that's the time he should be looking after his child so his wife can go to the gym or have her hair done or whatever she actually wants to do. He needs to get back to his family and suck up the commute or move the family closer to work.

And this lovely man isn't as lovely as you think. What sort of lovely man neglects his family like this in favour of spending time with another woman? Not a very lovely one. Also agree with the poster who said he would definitely be up for some touching and sex if you were.

Floralnomad Fri 07-Jun-13 11:59:37

YABU , when you say he rents in a village near you do you mean he rents your spare room ?

Flobbadobs Fri 07-Jun-13 12:00:24

How much of her insecurity is down to him I wonder? When he's out walking with you or helping you with the horses she could be getting her hair done or getting to the gym while he looks after their ill child....
You need to back off.

firstpost Fri 07-Jun-13 12:02:30

YABU .. and your thread title is a case in point - if there is an "us" it should be the wife and the husband.

You are not a friend of the relationship.

If you care for him, break off all contact and let him fix his marriage without any further interventions from you.

lookingbusy Fri 07-Jun-13 12:02:52

This is very familiar. There was a thread exactly like this from the wife's perspective. OCD, horses, the lot. Was that you OP?

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 07-Jun-13 12:03:33

You and he are being totally unreasonable. He also said No to the Touching question as I don’t like being touched so it was irrelevant to our friendship

^This implies that the only reason touching isn't happening is because of your OCD issues. In other words, if you didn't have OCD the touching would cease to be irrelevant IYSWIM.
You need to find a friend who isn't already attached.

MadBusLady Fri 07-Jun-13 12:05:24

lookingbusy linky?

chubbymomie2012 Fri 07-Jun-13 12:06:45

I feel really angry at you now! Why can u not see that his wife is suffering because of u! He is neglecting her because of u and u seem proud of it!!! How about you post now and tell us how u defend urself?!?

Ruralninja Fri 07-Jun-13 12:07:17

if this is real then you are being very unreasonable. I'm afraid you're being dishonest with yourself as your ocd issues etc are red herrings here & the wife is completely right to expect you both to back off.

MammaTJ Fri 07-Jun-13 12:11:54

My ExH became friends with a woman at work. They spent more and more time together, unknown to me (he told me he was working for his mates). He then left me for her. He swore they had never had sex before he left me. That is irrelevant. He still ended our 10 year marriage to be with her. Anything that means he has to lie to his wife is wrong and should not happen!!

YABU!! So is he. His wife is not, just to make that clear.

although I suspect this may be a Reverse AIBU

Isitmeorher Fri 07-Jun-13 12:16:13

Ok, I confess. I'm the wife, and yes, LookingBusy, that thread was me.

Most of the emotional / support bits of post was taken from a couple of conversations I've had with DH over the last few nights.

Sorry to not be honest but I wanted feedback from her point of view.

Cravey Fri 07-Jun-13 12:18:31

You know what ? The more I think about this the angrier I become. How do you know she has low self esteem ? Is it because that's what he says ? I really think you know what you are doing is wrong and it is so selfish of you to carry this on. You are wrecking a marriage. Not on your own I understand that but you know what he's doing is wrong, therefore you are helping this along. You have to walk away and fast. Just the thought of my husband doing this makes my skin crawl. In fact if he had a one night stand I would be less upset than him doing this. It's betrayal. Simple.

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