To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!(165 Posts)
Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?
Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!
I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.
Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.
Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.
Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?"
What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!
Wow! Well, I guess it's not going to go any further from your side, so I would just bite the bullet and be blunt. Tell him straight that you don't want to see him again and hopefully that will be that. He seems to be the type who can't (or won't!) read any signals and he'll keep on and on if you don't make your position abundantly clear.
'I'm not interested in seeing you again. Don't contact me anymore. Bye.'
Block, block, block. He comes round, do not let him in. 'You don't understand or respect my personal boundaries so I'm not interested in seeing you anymore. Bye.'
He has mentioned meeting up for dinner a few times etc I have said no in several ways. First polite, no thanks. Realising he doesn't get that I'm not interested I've said "Sorry, you're not really what I am looking for" in a hope to point out he's not date material. With more pestering I've said " I dont want to meet you for dinner... I dont want a date..." etc. I haven't been as abrasive as "fuck off" but I have begun to be abrasive with telling him he is annoying me and I dont appreciate his messages.
If this had been a random guy I'd never known before in my life it would have been thanks for dinner and depart. This seemed rather awkward because it was much like catching up with an old school friend and reminiscing, no spark but he made romantic advances. I really didn't know how to behave with him because I've never had a man behave in such a manner before. There were definitely no advances or come ons, on my part and I was definitely too polite in allowing him to outstay his welcome
Sorry but I do think for your own personal safety that allowing a stranger to come to your home late at night is not wise.
Definitely just keep being blunt with him. 'I don't want to see you again' and 'Stop texting me please' etc. Keep the text messages and if he persists after you have been blunt and it is blatantly obvious that you want to be left alone, perhaps ask a mutual friend to speak to him and then go to the police if he persists.
'actually I think if you know anyone who knows him, get them to have a word.
If not, then you are going to have to be really blunt in a polite, but firm way - leave out the swearing as it clearly doesn't work! Just say, look, Quentin (or whatever he's called)
I'm sorry but after the night we spent together you're really not my type - and I've met someone who is, and I'm pursuing a relationship with them, so please could we call it a day.
Or something. Invent a boyfriend or a 6ft 10 brother.
Why? She's a grown woman who doesn't need to involve other people except the police. OP, you have nothing to apologise for. NO 'sorry' needed. Or lies, either.
And you don't need to be polite, either.
'Do not contact me anymore.'
8 texts at 5:30am are a worrying sign. Its kinda controlling because he must have been aware they would wake you up/keep you from going back to sleep.
Sorry, GlassofRose, X-post.
You have already been blunt with him. I would ask a mutual friend to have a word with him and then I would speak to the police.
Asking a mutual friend to get involved only inflames the situation with people like these. I wouldn't want to get involved, either. WTF, the OP is an adult, not a damsel in distress.
This guy's a stalker.
What SGB says entirely.
honestly i would jsut be totally straight with him. he doesn't take hints.
text him saying " i dont want to see you again. i'm not interested. dont contact me again" and dont get into justifications when he starts with "why, we were getting on so well, give me another chance".
he isn't taking hints so tell him straight and dont worry about his feelings. he'll get over it.
That's how people like this work Glass - they push boundaries and use your niceness/good manners against you.
It's really ok to be rude to people like this.
From the OP, he wasn't a complete stranger, he was a childhood friend she's reconnected with.
If you must send another response, make it along the lines of "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in going out with you again. See you around Facebook." (or whatever, assuming FB is where he crawled out from under) Don't mince words, just say it. And then never respond to another text. Any further responses to texts, even if it's one every few days, gives him hope of getting his foot in the door again, literally.
I realise my next comments are going to make some believe I'm blaming the victim, but I'm going to say it anyway: you're dating again. Please be aware and firm with men who presume to be invited back to your house. You say you aren't sure how it happened; he sounds like the sort who is well-schooled in talking his way in the door. If it's a first date, take cabs, meet there, whatever, but have a firm end to the evening on neutral territory. This will also help avoid the 'he knows where I live' thing.
(I also feel like I should repeat for some, if she had been raped or something I certainly would NOT be blaming her for allowing him in the house. This is standard advice I'd give to any friend meeting someone on a first date. Thankfully, the main reason for this advice is not to avoid sexual assault, but just to avoid having to deal with an irritating date longer than you have to.)
Sorry, just saw SGB's text. Looks good to me.
Be firm, do not respond to follow-up texts.
He doesn't take hints because he thinks he is right and you are here to do what he wants.
It's not on.
'I do not want you to contact me anymore.'
Exactly Flippinada. Rudeness is the only thing they understand.
This guy is someone I was childhood friends with from 4 - 10. My family moved and never stayed in contact. It was by chance I bumped into him on the tube. He became facebook friends with me (I'm starting believe the evils of that thing) and thats how we got chatting. We don't really have mutual friends because I can't really say that I have friends in my circle that I made as a small child in primary school so getting someone else to chat to him isn't even an option.
In some ways he seemed a stranger, but he's also that boy I was friends with in primary school. Any other Tom, Dick or Harry wouldn't have made it through my front door. He seemed "safe" if that makes sense because there was some familiarity. He's no idiot, he's actually a lawyer which is why at first he was doing nervous gibbering rather than being an actual nut job. Now I have the feeling I need to be very careful.
I think I'm going to think about what to write and send him a text. The calling the police is something I think I need to do. Hopefully they wont think I'm wasting their time.
No sorry and please delete him from FB if you have it!
You have told him no dates and now he is stalking.
I'd ring non-emergency and make the police aware.
Keep all these texts, too.
The police won't think you are wasting their time, Im sure they will have dealt with his type many times.
Expat - I'm fully aware that the OP is an adult and not a damsel in distress; I wasn't suggesting that she ask a male friend to come running to her aid and go and have a strong word with him!! I just thought that perhaps a mutual friend (of either sex) would make this thick skinned idiot realise that he has gone too far, his advances are not welcome, and that it isn't just the OP being over sensitive (I'm certainly not suggesting she is) and that he needs to leave her alone.
Some people don't want to involve the police and getting someone else to have a word with him to let him know his behaviour is far from acceptable is another option at this stage.
'The calling the police is something I think I need to do. Hopefully they wont think I'm wasting their time.'
They won't, especially once they see this log of texts he's been sending and his refusal to take no for an answer.
Don't worry Glass, they won't think you're wasting their time. Show them the texts, get it all noted.
You're right expat, now that I've read everything more carefully, it's best to be as blunt as possible with him. I'm usually in the 'no apologies' camp, too; I think I allowed this one because she knew him in a previous liftetime.
I think it's time to send one very blunt text, not a joke and not an insinuation, and do not follow it up with any further explanations.
They won't think you are making a fuss over nothing either, just in case you are worried about that aspect. He has crossed over into stalker territory and needs dealing with accordingly.
Doh, X-post again GlassofRose!
You are understandably feeling very uncomfortable and concerned about this man. You can speak to the police about his behaviour and he will be given a harassment warning notice about it; it formally lets him know that his attention is unwelcome and is causing you distress. That way, if he persists, the police can then take action against him as he cannot claim not to know it was bothering you/unwelcome.
"he's actually a lawyer which is why at first he was doing nervous gibbering rather than being an actual nut job."
Was meant to read:
That is why at first I just thought his random behaviour/talking was nerves rather than him being a nut job.
Sorry for crappy quick posts.
Thank you for the support
I didn't know that police would hand out harassment warnings, thank you dreaming.
Trying to construct the message now. I did start thinking "It was nice to see and old school friend but..." however I really think you're all right, no niceties should be included
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