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To be annoyed with this couple

(229 Posts)
Ponderingonaquandry Thu 07-Feb-13 13:42:39

Hope I don't out myself here, going to have to be vague!

I know (I won't say friends as that's over egging it a bit) a couple who have a young, school age, family. Neither parent works, fine, job market is utterly shit at the moment so totally understandable. Both are complaining they are broke and will be more so when the benefit reforms come in and how unfair it is on them. So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems and his workload, he offers the dad a job, reasonable pay, not great, but a foot on the ladder, and helps both parties out. So we were a bit shocked when the dad turns it down saying he's needed at home 'in case of an emergency'. My jaw hit the floor.

Neither parent has a disability nor do the children.

Thankfully my brother had a friend in a similar situation who snapped the job up so dp's stress levels are alleviated a bit, but still. Not the point.

AIBU to be annoyed with them over this?

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 14:52:29

I have re-read the OP. Pondering, what has annoyed me is this bit

"So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 07-Feb-13 15:00:12

He was trying to help - why is that so wrong?

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 15:00:19

Why does that annoy you earlier?

They are friends of friends who DP and OP have been with when they have moaned about not having any money. DP needed to employ someone, so the obvious solution would be to offer a job to the guy who acts as if he wants/needs one.

Why is that annoying?

Booyhoo Thu 07-Feb-13 15:00:34

did your DP think of offering the job the the woman aswell? maybe the man couldn't take it (for any number of valid reasons) but the woman might have been able to. did your DP ask her?

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:01:41

I personally find it patronising. My problems are not for anyone else to "come up with a solution to" - I personally find it infantalising and I'd hate to think that someone else was gossiping about me like this and trying to "sort me out" - it smacks of controlling. To me. I am quite prepared to accept this is my issue though. But personally, I'd hate it.

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 15:08:08

Earlier, my opinion is that you are overthinking this in that case.

If the couple themseves are talking about their money worries, then the OP and DP cannot be accused of gossiping.

If the DP has 'come up with a solution', then that suggests that the job is a new thing, that the couple were unlikely to know about - not infantalising or controlling, just suggesting a mutually beneficial solution to both their problems (Overwork Vs Lack of Job)

Personally you'd hate it, but the OP has said she is confused by their decision. You didn't need to say "Whatever. They turned you down. Get over it" That was rather rude.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:10:47

I think we'll just have to accept LtEve that we read the OP differently, perhaps due to our life experiences.

Yes I did say get over it because I can't imagine posting that I'd be "annoyed" in that circumstances.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 07-Feb-13 15:12:43

Earlier - would you feel patronised or infantilised if you were approaching a door, heavily laden, and I held it open for you?

Imo, the couple had talked openly about their money issues, and the OP's husband suggested a solution that he could offer - that is kindness, not patronising.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 07-Feb-13 15:13:35

Would it have been patronising if the OP or her husband had pointed out a job vacancy that they happened to have heard of, that would suit the skill set of either of the couple? I don't think so.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 07-Feb-13 15:14:42

earlier, I also think you're being a bit unfair to the OP. You posted :

"I have re-read the OP. Pondering, what has annoyed me is this bit

"So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems" "

That's a bit selective IMO. The full quote is "So my dp comes up with a good solution to solve their problems *and his workload*" (my bolding)

That reads a bit differently to me.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:14:52

Like i said SDTG, I accept it may be my issue, but I find the OPs approach and tone patronising - like the man should have accepted the job and had no right to turn it down. Might well be me, I know that. but that's how I read it and how it comes across to me - as if because they're on benefits they had no right to turn the job down.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 07-Feb-13 15:15:30

Booyhoo - I would assume from the OP, that the job that was offered suited the man's skill set but not the woman's. In any case, the couple could have said, "Thanks for the offer - Nigel can't take it up, but Nigella could"?

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:16:49

As I have said, it smacks to me of the Op and her husband "organising" this other couple's life for them and then being pissed off when they didn't do as they had thought they should.

And it irritated me and I think the OP is being UR to be "annoyed with this couple"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Thu 07-Feb-13 15:17:05

Earlier - there is a part of me that thinks that someone on benefits should take a job that is offered, as long as it is suitable, and should only turn it down for really good reasons. That's what I would do, were I on benefits.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:18:11

absolutely SDTG, I agree completely, but the OP doesn't know this couple well enough to know if there is a really good reason. And that is my basic point in all of this.

YulaBaker Thu 07-Feb-13 15:18:23

IME, on FB, there are two types of unemployed. (well at least in my social circle)

The ones that make 'I need a job' or 'why aren't there any jobs' or 'god, the lack of a job is getting me down' type posts are the ones that want to work and struggle to find it, true jobseekers.

...and there are the posts slagging off the government, the benefit system, the jobcentre staff.. anyone but themselves. These are the entitled sods claiming jobseekers without any seeking going on.

I'm aware this post doesn't consider disabilities and is very sweeping... its meant to be.

I suppose I'm saying you cant help those that don't want it. Even if they need it. Would an alcoholic be forever grateful that you poured away their sauce?

countrykitten Thu 07-Feb-13 15:19:42

pondering How very dare you offer these people a leg up and try to help them out? How dare you patronise them and make them feel inferior? How dare you make assumptions about them? Don't you know that they hate your husband as he is clearly a bullying, patronising capitalist pig and you are acting like a judgemental Lady Bountiful?

FFS - MN is a joke at times.

FWIW you did a very good thing and I hope most people would have taken such an offer in the spirit it was intended and accepted.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Feb-13 15:20:57


Agree with sdtg re turning the job down.

Doubt wanting to be at home because of emergencies will cut it when uc comes in.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 07-Feb-13 15:21:18

I'd be annoyed at them too, in a stop-bending-my-ear-about-your-problems-if-you're-not-going-to-do-anything-about-solving-them sort of way. I get annoyed about people looking for sympathy, but doing fuck all to dig themselves out of their hole. I get annoyed at poor excuses, which, let's face it, "he's needed at home 'in case of an emergency'" is piss-poor.

countrykitten Thu 07-Feb-13 15:21:31

and earlier....your posts are utterly ridiculous. In my opinion.

earlierintheweek Thu 07-Feb-13 15:23:21

OK country. Thanks for that hmm

So if I'd said "sorry I want to be home for the DC's" in my situation, as I posted earlier in the thread, I'd have been expected to spill to a total stranger my medical problems?

Look, yes it was nice of him to offer the job. But they were under no obligation to accept and the OP doesn't know them well enough to know if their reasons for refusing were genuine or if there's more to it than he/she are being told.

Booyhoo Thu 07-Feb-13 15:23:40

re reading the OP there is really nothing in it that suggests the dad was chosen to offer the job to as it suited his skills set better.

personally if someone offered my dp a job based on what is said in the OP (both jobless, both skint, both complaining about it) and didn't follow up the refusal with "well, what about you booyhoo, is it something you would be interested in?" i wouldn't be rushing to help him out of a hole.

tbh i cant see why it wasn't just offered to both- "i need help in the business and could really do with an extra person on the team, would either of you be interested?" no sexism involved.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 07-Feb-13 15:29:10

Booyhoo, surely OP's DP would have taken it for granted that if the father had to be at home in case of emergencies, so would the mother?

LtEveDallas Thu 07-Feb-13 15:29:42

re reading the OP there is really nothing in it that suggests the dad was chosen to offer the job to as it suited his skills set better

OPs very first line was:

Hope I don't out myself here, going to have to be vague

For all we know the DP is a plumber and knows that moaning friend has previously worked as a plumbers mate. There is no point being offended when the OP was deliberately vague, for good reason seeing the way she's been blasted here.

countrykitten Thu 07-Feb-13 15:31:31

Ah - so the OP is sexist too! Marvellous. I also forgot that she is 'controlling' as earlier pointed out in a previous post.

Do MNetters also think that the OP tortures small animals in her spare time as well?

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