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to think we should encourage our daughters to marry men who earn AT LEAST as much as them?

(348 Posts)
StripeyBear Sun 27-Jan-13 12:35:33

Quarter of a century ago, starting university, I would have furiously disagreed with this. Women should make their own money, and marry who they like!

Now, looking back, I'm not so sure. Nearly all my female friends, however successful in their careers prior to children, have compromised work success to raise their children. (I do have one friend who has a house husband, but that is the exception rather than the rule). Consequently, the lifestyle of my friends has been largely dictated by how much their husbands earn. So the nurse who married the mechanic is run ragged with extra shifts, juggling small kids in a tiny house with a large mortgage, indifferent schools and holidays in Haven or not at all - whilst my midwife girlfriend who married a consultant, is living in a huge detached house, with kids at private schools and just does a few shifts to keep her registration and to keep out of the way of her cleaner.

So AIBU, should we tell our daughters to marry someone who can provide the material stuff, or in another quarter of a century, will the world have moved on again, and fathers will be equal parents, and none of this will matter a stuff?

LadyInPink Mon 28-Jan-13 18:26:52

When i was growing up (in my family and family's social circle) it was expected that the boy children do well at school and get good careers but that it didn't matter about girls as we would just end up married with children shock. Consequently I was never encouraged to choose a career or go to uni but just to get by because I'd be snapped up by some man who wanted me to have his babies By 22 I was fed up in a dead end job and forged a new career and did well and eventually met a great guy who I did marry and have DC with (worked up until 8.5 mths) but once they were at full time school I felt I couldn't just keep house and so started a new career path and have never looked back.

I actually voiced this out loud to my DF who looked very sheepish and admitted that yes that was how we were brought up and that he was actually very proud that I had got a good career and earn good money and that he was sorry he hadn't encouraged me to do well young. My DM only recently realised I work (have done for 4 years now since DD turned 5) as she hadn't ever bothered to ask what I'm doing etc but assumed i just kept house.

To this end I want to encourage my DC to work hard, get a good career and be happy and hopefully they will walk in those kind of social circles and meet partners who are likeminded e.g that do have jobs and earn okay be that as a Dr or as a binman.

janey68 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:43:40

Yes, women are the ones who actually give birth, and can breastfeed but but they can't get pregnant without the father, and there is also no logical reason why the father can't be equally nurturing and hands on. It's also perfectly possible for the mother to carry on bf after returning to work- I speak as a mum who took far less than a years ML.

There are choices here: if a woman decides that she is going to step back with her career, take on most of the child and home responsibility, then it's probably because she wants to do that, so it's a bit much to then complain that her dh isn't earning enough. Like I said, I feel sorry for a lot of dads who may well wish they weren't being sidelined like this. And sorry for the children too if they aren't getting a balanced view of parenting.

meadow2 Mon 28-Jan-13 18:46:53

Your pregnant and breastfeeding for such a small amount of your life, whereas people will be working until they are 68.Also breastfeeding doesnt stop you from going to work.

cory Mon 28-Jan-13 18:58:18

I know plenty of families- my own included - who do not have a Principal Parent (sounds a bit like the principal boy in the pantomime). Instead decisions are either taken together by both parents or by whichever parent happens to be around at the time. Such families find it easier to be flexible around work arrangements too.

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:00:56

You deluded fools, how many of you have followed YOUR mothers' advice n whom to fall in love with?!

This is the thing that I find strangest-the thought that your advice will be welcomed and listened to!! The only thing that you can do is set by example-DCs do as you do, they do not do as you say!
I also think that 'choosing' a husband does back at least 100 years-you do not need to choose one at all-just get on with life and either you meet someone that you want to spend your life with, or you don't. (and I don't think that money comes into it).

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:01:34

sorry 'goes' back-.

janey68 Mon 28-Jan-13 19:03:19

Yes, that's how we work things too cory, and I think many families do nowadays. Major decisions discussed between us both. Minor decisions- what what trousers the toddler is wearing today, what to cook for dinner and whether to go to jolly jingles or not- well, we're both equally capable of that

meadow2 Mon 28-Jan-13 19:06:00

I know people who have a principal parent type of arrangement.The dads dont know any of their childrens friends names,never met their mums and dads, wont do parties on their own as they dont know anyone, dont know anything about the childs teachrr/class etc.I dont know why anyone would want that type of arrangement there is no need for a principal parent.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 28-Jan-13 19:10:48

Janey and Cory.

We do that too, we have equal parenting roles. Dh works but quite a lot of the time at home. I don't work and quite a lot of the time at home.
But when i'm out dh does parenting, when he's out I do.
Major decisions we discuss.

He doesn't earn a huge amount of money, but we aren't a needy type of family. I married for love and wouldn't care if he was a Prince or Pauper, Rich or poor.

Latara Mon 28-Jan-13 19:19:57

BUT no-one has answered MY question - WHERE DO YOU FIND A HUSBAND, ANY HUSBAND PLEASE??

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 19:22:01

You probably won't find one if you are looking Latara!

Latara Mon 28-Jan-13 19:41:02

I'm trying not to look! But after just reading the scary Council Tax benefit cuts thread... a high-earning husband would be very useful indeed.

Latara Mon 28-Jan-13 19:42:05

Or a low earning husband. Just as long as he can help pay my council tax and be good to look at etc etc.

hrrumph Mon 28-Jan-13 19:48:31

I think I'd settle for dd earning enough to keep herself and having someone who's decent to her.

hrrumph Mon 28-Jan-13 19:49:04

The thing is, you can choose someone who's a high earner and that situation can change overnight.

Latara Mon 28-Jan-13 19:50:57

Indeed, as my own earning / work situation has proved, hrrumph.

PigletJohn Mon 28-Jan-13 20:11:50

"BUT no-one has answered MY question - WHERE DO YOU FIND A HUSBAND, ANY HUSBAND PLEASE??"

I'm surprised no-one has said "you can have mine" yet grin

amillionyears Mon 28-Jan-13 20:16:10

I always think that petrol stations have men of all descriptions in them morning, noon and night.
Not sure how you could guarantee that they were single though.

hrrumph Mon 28-Jan-13 20:29:05

Latara - I couldn't tell you. It took me years to find mine. Through mutual friends in the end for me.

exoticfruits Mon 28-Jan-13 22:01:59

Years ago my DS (aged 3 yrs) told me I could find one in the supermarket!

amillionyears Mon 28-Jan-13 22:30:13

It used to be on TV a few years ago, that going in around 6pm, or that sort of time, was the best time!

DaisyDoodle Mon 28-Jan-13 22:35:20

I married for love and I'm skint. I'm going to teach my daughter to study, earn well, make her own savings, then marry for love. She can then have her own financial independence once she has kids.
Oh and don't live in London whilst doing this as saving is impossible.

MoreBeta Mon 28-Jan-13 22:36:13

Oh dear it seems that my DW picked a 'wrong un' then. blush

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