to think we should encourage our daughters to marry men who earn AT LEAST as much as them?

[StripeyBear]

Quarter of a century ago, starting university, I would have furiously disagreed with this. Women should make their own money, and marry who they like!

Now, looking back, I'm not so sure. Nearly all my female friends, however successful in their careers prior to children, have compromised work success to raise their children. (I do have one friend who has a house husband, but that is the exception rather than the rule). Consequently, the lifestyle of my friends has been largely dictated by how much their husbands earn. So the nurse who married the mechanic is run ragged with extra shifts, juggling small kids in a tiny house with a large mortgage, indifferent schools and holidays in Haven or not at all - whilst my midwife girlfriend who married a consultant, is living in a huge detached house, with kids at private schools and just does a few shifts to keep her registration and to keep out of the way of her cleaner.

So AIBU, should we tell our daughters to marry someone who can provide the material stuff, or in another quarter of a century, will the world have moved on again, and fathers will be equal parents, and none of this will matter a stuff?

[SPBInDisguise]

My question was to lady, no the op sorry. She said shed not be happy if her daughters married postmen.

[Mosman]

I'd hope my male and female children marry somebody who will pull their weight one way or another, my brother is with a girl who runs her own business and brings up his two children, does all house work, pays bills etc, i honestly do not know why she keeps him, perhaps he is some sort of exotic pet for her

[mrsjay]

YABU MY daughters can marry whoever they want (or not marry) is it all about material wealth is it really MY dd earns more than her boyfriend and when she finishesuni and the career she will hopefully have she will more than likely earn more than him it is irrelevant really, perhaps your poor run ragged friend is happy with her lot,

[attheendoftheday]

How about challenging the notion that women must sacrafice their careers for the sake of their family (unless they want to)? There are lots of different models of how families work, either parent could choose to stay at home, both could work part time and juggle, or both could work full time and find good childcare. None of these options are superior.

How about we encourage our children (of either gender) to make considered and informed decisions about how they want their lives to be and leave it at that?

[WorraLiberty]

So if my DS becomes a consultant, I should encourage him not to marry a midwife because she'll be on far less money than him?

Or is it ok for men to marry 'beneath' them financially but not the reverse?

I'm almost sure WAGS have nailed that one.

And since when does a nurse earn more than a mechanic?

[Bobyan]

So what happens when your high earning Sil buggers off with his secretary who he's been shagging behind you dd's back for years?

Think I'd prefer it if my dd pays her own way in the world and marries for the right reasons.

[QueenofPlaids]

OP I don't think YAB entirely U, but for me, the message isn't just about money (and isn't just for girls).

I think it's about aspiration and ambition for both partners - not just cash.

I'd encourage any hypothetical DC to think about what they want from life and marry someone who was on the same page. Shit happens, but I think a starting point of huge income or educational inequality is likely to make things harder, not easier. (Not to say I don't know couples where this works, but I also know many where the disparity in education, ambition & work ethic has been a major issue).

[lovetomoan]

YANBU

But I will encourage my DS to do the same

Joke aside, DS and any future DC will marry/shag/kiss whoever they want.

[popsgran]

my mother used to say ;dont marry for money but fall in love where money is;

i didnt but have often wished I had.Its so hard having to be the main earner .
all we can do is advise or go for arranged marriages! They wont listen,we didnt.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

It's not all about how much is in a man's wallet. A woman could meet a man who works on the tills in Asda or a man who is a company director, and to me it shouldn't be the money he earns that determines who she falls in love with.

Come to think of it, if I met a man with lots of money I would feel very inferior in the relationship, and to be honest quite a bit paranoid and insecure. A man with less money I feel would always have his head out of the clouds and be less of an arse.


Also, I think it's a bit silly to say a man should earn at least as much as his partner. If I was on 50k and my partner was on 30k I'd be a fool to want him out. I don't have a daughter, but if I ever did have a daughter I would not be encouraging her to take this attitude.

[DontmindifIdo]

well here goes - I don't have a DD, but do currently have a DS. If I do have a DD next, what I will be telling her is this: It's a lie that you can have it all. Something has to give. flexibility, part time working and being a SAHM are luxuries, if you want them, you will have to marry a man who can provide them (and marry him, I'd never encourage an unmarried mother to do anything to damage her career as you have no claim on his money beyond maintenance). If you chose to marry a man who doesn't earn enough to fund them and your current lifestyle, it's a choice you need to make before you have DCs that you will do without to have him - but struggling and getting grumpy afterwards when you have to work full time when friends don't should be thought about first.

I would also say that bar some professional careers that are high status but realtively low paid (teaching is a good example), it doesn't work longterm for a woman to pick a partner who earns a lot less than her, because it shows either your partner is less intelliegent than you (which in my experience, starts to grate once looks and passion fade), or they are less ambitious/less hard working/more of a 'dreamer'. That usually is a sign of very different life aims and goals, attitudes to hard work, money, status etc - there's no right or wrong attitude to have really, but when you have a couple with very different attitudes to money and careers, it can make it really difficult long term.

I would also counter this by saying I'll be teaching DS he should only consider marrying a woman who has a similar attitude to money, spending, childcare, housework, life goals etc as him. Too many couples wait until after they are pregnant to have these discussions. Far too late.

[Theicingontop]

YABU. I won't be encouraging my daughter to marry, let alone for money.

[usualsuspect]

Marriage,Meh

[Startail]

I will encourage my DDs to marry a man who is their intellectual equal.

Earnings are luck, DH landed a well paid job, I didn't.

But if he'd chosen to remain in academia on a post docs peanuts we'd still have been able to share our awful scientific puns.

I have a friend who's a medic, she can if she works full time earn real money. Her admin working DH can't. She loves him lots and he's a great dad, but even she admits he's dim.

That would drive me and DD1 nuts, DD2 might be more tolerant short term, but long term I think feeling smug would turn into irritation.

[SilentSplendidSun]

Wow dontmind that's exactly what I wanted to say, but didn't for fear of being branded a man-hater. That is spot on...

[manicbmc]

I will be encouraging my dd to be responsible for her own welfare and happiness and to not rely on marrying anyone to achieve that.

Isn't that a better thing to teach our daughters?

[Binkybix]

I would not want to interfere with who my children decided to marry and, as others have said, there's a lot more to happiness than money.

But I do get a little bit where you're coming from. Amongst my female friends I'm one of the highest earners. Me and DH earn about the same, but my lifestyle choices are much more restricted because most of my friends' partners earn loads. This will be amplified when we have kids (am pregnant). My friends would have the choice to give up work/go part time and maintain lifestyle. I don't. It would be nice to feel that freedom, because I don't enjoy my work.

I'm not saying for one second I would value a high earning DH over a happy partnership, but seems like many of my friends have both, and that must feel great sometimes. I know that I am lucky in the grand scheme of things though.

[WhatsTheBuzz]

ridiculous, why would encourage your daughters OR sons to rely on someone else?? Yabu.

[redbobblehat]

lol at the haven comment!!

crumbs imagine having to stoop to holidays at haven


have a biscuit op

[WhatsTheBuzz]

I agree, redbobblehat, the shame of holidaying in Haven...

[toffeelolly]

oh, what a snob you are.

[carabos]

If my DH walked out tomorrow he would leave not the smallest dent in the family budget and everything I have today I would have the day after left.

I am entirely financially independent, always have been and for that reason I was able to marry for love alone.

That is the lesson to teach your daughters.

[cory]

Why do you have to wait for the world to move ahead to fathers being equal parents: can't you just settle for not agreeing to marry somebody who is not prepared to be an equal parent?

My FIL managed SAHD and equal parenting without waiting for the world to follow and he was born in 1909!

[DreamingOfTheMaldives]

I often wish that my husband and I earned more as it would make things easier, particularly as we are now expecting our first baby, but would I turn the clock back and swap him for a man who earns more. Not in a million years! My husband is a kind, thoughtful, loving man who looks after me (as I look after him) and I have no doubt that he will make a fantastic father. The fact that he earns an average wage is irrelevant.

I would encourage any young woman to work hard and build a career for herself and to only be with a partner, whether male or female, if she loves them and they treat her well.

Anyway now my DH and I have done the cleaning between us I'm off to get in the bath that he has run for me while he cooks us a roast dinner something I've never mastered What do I need a rich man for when my husband makes me feel rich

[NapaCab]

Why not just encourage your daughter to aim high and try to earn as much as she can in life so she can provide her own detached house, private schools, holidays etc, if that's what she wants?

The two women you mention are in middle-income jobs. If they had become consultants themselves, they could provide these things on their own and not rely on a man's earnings.

Not enough parents push girls to think about their financial future like this. Hence women doing more arts degrees or qualifying in lower paid sectors generally. We need to encourage daughters to be career-focused and intelligent about money and living standards instead of just assuming that it's OK for little Arabella to do Art History because she can always marry money anyway.