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People gossiping about my birth choices

(85 Posts)
mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:00:42

I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, and very willing to hear a good explanation as to why, because right now I just feel hurt and upset sad

I have been having a few consultant appts with regards to the upcoming birth of my DC.

I had a horrible experience in my first pregnancy. It's not something I've wept and wailed about, or been very public about - but I have been honest in that I've been transparent with friends who have similar aged DC about the fact that I found it extremely traumatic and was terrified of giving birth as a result of it.

Anyway, I recently agreed an ELCS with the hospital, and it's been an absolute weight off my mind.

As I've said, I've not gone on and on about any of it, but friends with children who I see regularly basically know that I was in the process of settling on how this DC would be born.

At the weekend I saw my friend and her husband and her husband said to me "oh hi, mysonsasaint! I hear you're going for an ELCS this time round. Wow! How do you feel about that then?"

This is hot on the heels of another friend's mother (who I barely know) accosting me in Tesco and saying "so why have you elected to have a c-section then?"

Now, I'm not naive. I know people talk to their husbands/mothers about all sorts of stuff. I'm not objecting to them having discussed it privately. I just feel really upset that I have never spoken to this husband and mother about my birthing 'choices' and yet they feel it's perfectly ok for them to raise them with me in this way.

Ok, I'm ready for it, thanks.

kerala Fri 28-Sep-12 20:03:47

Am often shocked at things people (casual acquaintances) feel its appropriate to comment on. This goes into the bracket of questions about when you will have children and family size. Really crass. Not much you can do about it though, might be tempted to say how shaken you were to the friends in question that their DHs/DMs questioned you on this very personal decision in random places.

WinklyFriedChicken Fri 28-Sep-12 20:05:56

Tbh it just seems that people have been curious rather than rude or judge-y. People are interested in other people's pregnancies and lives but at the same time you can just politely decline to answer them - have a stock reply like "its the best choice for us" then quickly segue into "so how are you, tell me all about..."

Congratulations and good luck btw

iknowwho Fri 28-Sep-12 20:07:13

I too am shocked at what people will ask.
The best you can say is 'Sorry,I really don't want to go into it' and leave the conversation there.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:09:07

Thanks both. The DH was curious, the mother was definitely judgey! It was posed as a 'now defend your selfish choice' kind of way. I can't really explain it, but it was definitely a judgement! It came with a sniffy tone of voice and up and down look!

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:09:26

Sorry, I said both and there were three of you! Thanks all.

emsyj Fri 28-Sep-12 20:09:51

Gosh, I'm having the exact opposite issue - I had a crash section with DD and people are variously shocked, bemused and horrified that I am not having an ELCS this time. I have told one person (yes, the same fucking person) THREE times now that no, I am not 'going straight for a section this time'. hmm

YANBU. I have no idea why anyone would (a) be so interested in how you get your baby out into the world and (b) presume that you would care to hear their opinion on the matter.

Nagoo Fri 28-Sep-12 20:12:38

You aren't unreasonable.

It's more of the same, people think it's ok to comment on how big or small you are, whether your face looks a bit fat, comment on your choice of hospital, everything.

The people who commented to you weren't saying anything judgy though, they were making conversation. It's you that bolded the elected. It's the right word.

You have made a choice for you, for your own reasons. I know that you might feel sensitive about it, I remember picking myself apart regarding every choice I made when I was pregnant. I started threads on here criticising myself. Then other people pointed out that I would not judge anyone else, so why was I judging myself.

What I am getting at, is that although your OP says that you are fine with your choice, I think that it is deep in out sub-concious that we think that we should all be able to birth perfectly on time, painlessly without any injury to ourselves and if we can't then we have failed in some way.

Logically, rationally we know that this is total bollocks. But we still think it. So I would be willing to project my feelings about myself on to you bet that you are being over sensitive, and that the people talking to you are not loading their questions in a judgy way, they are just making chit chat conversation.

fuckbadger Fri 28-Sep-12 20:12:41

This is exactly why I didn't tell anyone (apart from dh and mw obviously) that I was planning a homebirth. You don't need to justify your choice to anyone!

WilsonFrickett Fri 28-Sep-12 20:12:43

Try adapting the MN standby 'Goodness, did you mean to ask me such a personal question?' and move on. FWIW I was told by MW days after having DS that they would definitely encourage me to have an ELCS if I wanted another child after my birth trauma - I certainly ain't judging you, in fact I am in awe of your courage as I just couldn't do it again.

Tell the sticky beaks to eff off and enjoy the rest of your pg.

AberdeenAnxious Fri 28-Sep-12 20:13:58

If you're feeling judged (and brave enough!), I'd be tempted to play up to it. Tell them you're too posh to push. See what they say to that smile

BillyBollyBandy Fri 28-Sep-12 20:16:01

Reply with a smile and "why would you want to know?"

Totally support your choice btw, my friend did the same and she was much calmed as a result.

chandellina Fri 28-Sep-12 20:16:36

Come up with one stock answer and just stick with it. I told people it had been advised by my consultant because of a difficult birth first time around. No one casual needs to know anything else and that just about covers it. Maybe none of their business but people are fascinated by pregnancy and births. Good luck, my elcs is one of the best things I ever did!

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:17:20

Nagoo - I appreciate your viewpoint, I do. But I think you may be projecting yourself:

"What I am getting at, is that although your OP says that you are fine with your choice"

I didn't say that???

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:19:02

And please, please, please don't ever tell me that I think I'm a failure, when I do not.

Bloody hell.

AberdeenAnxious Fri 28-Sep-12 20:20:32

And I think you come under thte same kind of questioning whatever your choice if it's anything other than 'the norm'. I had a hb with my second and was questioned about it a lot and asked if I knew about the risks hmm

I know people are interested and they like to think they're imparting knowledge that you otherwise wouldn't have but, really, who makes a choice about something so important without doing research and taking advice?

Nagoo Fri 28-Sep-12 20:21:36

aaah shit I knew that would come out wrong. Sorry. I am on dentisty drugs, so I shall avoid sensitive threads until my brain is working better. blush

sorry.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:21:52

Thanks all - I really wasn't hoping to have another discussion on the ins and outs of ELCS.

It was more a thread about how you don't bring up private conversations that have been had with your partner??

So - if I'd have been complaining to my friend about how DH still hasn't finished painting the bathroom I wouldn't expect her to say to DH next time she saw him "oh hi, have you finally finished that bathroom she's been nagging you about?"

It's the context - private conversations are private conversations. That's what I was talking about.

Not being a birthing failure hmm faces all round.

MerylStrop Fri 28-Sep-12 20:22:11

YA Soooo Not Being Unreasonable

It is none of their business, I would not expect my friends to make my birth choices a matter of gossip and that DF's H and M should have more tact and better social skills.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:23:08

Fuck if I could change the title of this thread I would as I completely see now how it's just invited a load of 'birth choice' debate.

I should have titled the thread "people gossiping about private stuff".

MerylStrop Fri 28-Sep-12 20:24:09

I suggest your stock answer is along the lines of "I'm amazed that you think that is any of your business"

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 20:24:16

Its not people gossiping though is it.

You have told them, they have possibly mentioned it in passing. Then these 2 people felt it appropriate to ask you a personal question.

Its more the people who are questioning you that are the problem.

AberdeenAnxious Fri 28-Sep-12 20:24:57

Yes, the title, and the op, are a little misleading. It does seem to emphasise the elcs subject a little. smile

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 20:26:09

Yes, you're right sookie - the thread title should be

"people referring to private conversations that they were not involved in"

I don't have an issue, per se, in them discussing this stuff with their nearest and dearest as I know that happens. It's just having the social tact to not make that blindingly obvious, or, worse still, seeing that as an invitation to discuss the details with me without me inviting that.

Clytaemnestra Fri 28-Sep-12 20:26:13

People asked me - I told them I was too posh to push.

If they're judgy, that tends to shock them so much they can't respond. If they're not judgy, they generally laugh smile

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