To miss my 'friend'

[parentfailure]

Slight background: Good friend, been through thick and thin. Been more of a friend to her than she to me (in making sure we see each other, driving to see her etc., making the effort etc)

A few weeks ago, after a VERY innocuous comment on FB (our main way of staying in touch), she deleted her friendship with me, then her whole account (which she has now reinstated).

And, that's it. Nearly a decade friendship totally deleted.

I miss her. I miss her friendship.

I apologised for any misunderstanding over the comment I made, told her that i do / did appreciate her friendship... Nothing.

I have to accept that she simply does not wish to be friends with me anymore. But she has been through some of my darkest days and my brightest moments (including my marriage and birth of children).

I know she was upset I couldn't make her wedding (in Europe, on a tuesday and no children allowed - I have two toddlers!) but I thought she had understood and I did buy her a very special and lovely present and took her out to dinner to celebrate.

I just want to 'let go' but still feel I would love to hear from her and love to know how stuff is with her. We always had such great chats.

I have tried to contact her once, through a mutual friend, but got a 'hi' back - but certainly no opening for further conversation, so I know I have to let it go.

I just feel sad that someone I thought was such a good friend could turn like that.

[LineRunner]

Hi, OP. I wonder, what was the very innocuous comment, and what context do you think made her take such dramatic offense?

Either it was not so innocuous (to her) or she was looking for an out for some reason.

Sounds sad for you, though.

[Talker2010]

22 year ago ... my best friend from 1st day of school (20+ years) took a comment the wrong way and ended our friendship ... I tried but she ignored

It still hurts ... but there is nothing to be done

I hope your's turns out better

[livinonaprayer]

YAnBu to miss your friend of course.

However she must have viewed it in a very different way to how you mentioned it, but it's hard to know without a context.

[banana87]

What was the "innocuous" comment?

[Takitezee]

I'm also wondering what the comment was. You say that you apologised for any misunderstanding over the comment which presumably means you didn't apologise for actually making the comment - two entirely different things.

[parentfailure]

OK... My comment was 'I don't think you really mean that'

In reply to her comment that she understood completely what people who had had their possessions / houses burnt by rioters.

I could have been MUCH harsher more truthful, but that was all I wrote.

I do appreciate that, if that was all it took to end our friendship, then it was no friendship at all, but it still makes me sad. I did consider her a very good friend.

[parentfailure]

No, I don't apologise for the actual comment because I did and do stand by it.

No-one can understand how it feels to lose your home / possessions unless you have actually been through it.

[parentfailure]

Sorry... Just re-read what I'd written:

She understood Why the RIOTERS felt it OK to burn people's possessions / homes and that those people shouldn't really be all that bothered about it.

Sorry - Do appreciate my last post didn't make sense.

[parentfailure]

THanks, Beertricks.

I guess that is what is getting to me: I am sure that it WAS some sort of way to ditch me and make me look like some sort of baddie... I IMMEDIATELY text her and said that I was sorry if I had offended her and also that I valued her friendship and... nada... So, yeah, I agree... I think this was a smoke screen...

No, I don't think she could cope with MN :-)

But, I did enjoy our chats and she did understand alot about my life (as I said, she had been through my darkest days) and I still think of lots of things where I find myself thinking 'Oh, I love to show that to XXXX'

[AgentZigzag]

Your comment seems fair enough, and I agree it sounds like there was more going on than the comment alone.

I would try once more to contact her in a couple of months, and if she's still in an arse, I'd leave it.

You don't fall out with such a long standing friend over some crappy status post on fb.

[ViviPru]

crappy situation to be in OP but I suspect you're here looking for the general consensus to give you the strength to move on. You know there's no going back here. I think women put pressure on themselves to sustain friendships in a way that men don't which can have both positive and negative outcomes. I feel sad about friendships that fell by the wayside, but nature abhors a vacuum and someone else often fills the void in time.

[parentfailure]

Vivipru - Now that you have written that down, yes... I guess I am looking for the 'OK' to move on. If she contacted me now, how could we 'resume' our friendship. I do truly believe I did nothing wrong and I also feel I went 100% to apologise for any 'construed' insult. I have also tried (through the mutual friend) to make contact.

I know I just have to let it go.

She has just been a very good friend for a very long time and I did not see this coming.

[wildhairrunning]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

She has dumped you with no real reason and also made a completely stupid statement about the rioters - she sounds like a waste of space!

I hope you can move on as you sound lovely op!

[pigletmania]

Oh don't worry about it parent she sounds like a nasty person to make a comment like that, she should live in those person's shoes than make that comment. Yes I think it was an excuse to ditch you. Well good riddance to bad rubbish I say, you will make many lovely friends over time I am sure. Don't waste your time or energy on her.

[pigletmania]

Well if she makes a horrid comment like that, then she should expect responses that disagree, if that had been a friend of mine posting I would have given her what for on FB I tell you, ignorant cow.

[Hullygully]

she sounds like a prat

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

She understood Why the RIOTERS felt it OK to burn people's possessions / homes and that those people shouldn't really be all that bothered about it.

She sounds like an idiot. I know it's hard to accept but do you really want to be friends with someone who has opinions like that?

[Hullygully]

I meant she sounds like a prat to dump you for your weeny comment

politically, I get whaere she's coming from

[Rebecca41]

I don't like the sound of her from what she said and how she reacted to your reply, but, if her friendship means a lot to you I wouldn't let it drop. I would keep trying to contact her, keep apologising, doing what ever it takes to win her round. I'm not saying that's what you SHOULD be doing - for what it's worth I think you're probably better off without her and she's being unreasonable - but it's easy for me to say that when it isn't me who's lost a friend. But in my experience people often sulk for a while but don't actually want to lose friends, and she may just suddenly decide she's punished you enough and want to be friends again. If you want her friendship back, even on those terms, then the best way is to still be there when that time comes.

I know that sounds like being a pathetic doormat, but friendships are complex and nothing is ever that black and white. No-one will agree with me though!

[spula]

I fell out with a very good friend soon after the birth of our children (a moment that you would have thought would have brought us closer together). It hurt greatly at the time, but now hindsight has shown me that actually the friendship hadn't been great for a while, although we had some fun times over the years. My life is now full of new, lovely friendships. My Mum was right when I was a teenager and having the usual girl traumas.... friends come and go, and are in your life at different times for different reasons. The hardest lesson from it all is certainly in the admission that my Mum was right all along!!