AIBU or PFB with DM?(83 Posts)
I have, after much delibrating, decided to let DM look after my 7mo DD for a few hours on a Friday while I am back at work. This is after she has begged to have her Friday afternoons (she is at nursery in the morning and I originally wanted her to stay all day). My reservations are due to a number of reasons - namely that she was a pretty crap mother, very narc and she has a tendency to be very
mad whirlwind like, but not in a good way iykwim.
Anyway, I went round to hers the other day and pointed out that she must get rid of all the little ornaments on the floor, as DD can crawl now. She said "yeah yeah, I will do that". I then told her that she cannot leave the baby on the floor unsupervised. She thought I meant about the dogs, so she said "I have a door gate". I then pointed out that if she leaves the room at all she has to strap her into her buggy, as she has no elecric point covers etc. I never leave her unsupervised, but we have a travel cot that we use as a playpen. I suggested that she get one (that I will pay for) and she refused, saying she wouldn't leave her. When asked what she will do if she needs the loo, she said "But I won't go to the loo". As I mentioned, my DM cannot sit still and likes to do 3 or 4 things at a time so I find it hard to imagine her not leaving the room at all in 3 hours!
Then she showed me the buggy and car seat she had been given. I need to mention now that DM is very parsimonious and loves to have a freeby. I was OK with the buggy - it is only for a few hours a week so I can see why she wouldn't want to spend much, but the car seat was in a terrible state. I said that I wasn't happy with the car seat for a number of reasons - but namely the safety issue. Not to mention that it is a forward facing and is for babies of 9kg+. Having listened to me explain that I wasn't happy about it, she agreed but then took the car to Halfords and got it fitted in her car. The following day she came round and I admit I was really pissed off about it. I think my (over)reaction was down to a couple of things - being very tired, but also that I have a number of issues from childhood and I am really unsure about her ability to look after my baby the way I want her to.
I suppose this is my question - how much can I demand that she does things my way?
Just to add, I then went round again the following day to clear the air, and in the time I was there she was holding the baby and the baby grabbed a piece of paper and had a mouthful before I realised. She then walked down the garden holding her whilst carrying a hot cup of tea. I pointed out that I don't walk around holding the baby and hot drinks, and what would she do if she tripped. She laughed and said "I'd throw the drink away". AIBU? Is that OK? Am I being
very PFB? (she then asked when she can start giving the baby tea. I mean WTF? Was that normal in the 70s? Is it still happening now??!)
Sorry for the essay!
You can't demand, she look after your dd, your way. If you don't like the way she does things, keep your dd in nursery.
Just my two penn'orth...
1. Don't let her look after your PFB. You will worry the entire time (even though she will probably be totally fine). You don't have a good enough relationship with your mum to make this work. Let the babe stay in nursery where you know she will be safe.
2. The tea thing is OTT on your part.
3. Demanding things never works, ever.
4. That is all.
You're possibly being a bit PFB about some things, but that is your right as a mother. Issues of safety are non-negotiable though and if she's already showing signs of disregarding your opinions, then it won't get any better. In terms of insisting she do things your way, when you're getting free child care, then sometimes it's prudent to perhaps bite your bottom lip and let some things go. Bottom line is that if you're not comfortable leaving her with your mother, then you don't have to - it's entirely your decision and she'll have to get over it.
Hmmm well you never had hot tea split on you did you? You did survive your childhood? If Halfords fitted the car seat then it would have been deemed safe wouldn't it? They wouldn't fit a faulty seat?
Just send her to nursery. You aren't going to be able to relax and it's not worth it.
Spend time with DM outside of this and let her be involved. She probably adores your DD but just has a very different threshold for danger and you won't ever be objective about the care she offers.
Socket covers aren't necessarily a good idea btw. In fact they're fairly dangerous.
I read it as a little pfb, but... She is your baby so as i lve roses said, if YOU dont like how she does things, put her in nursery. Everyones opinion will be different.
I meant to say, my mum gives my PFB tea. I roll my eyes. PFB doesn't even like tea, but likes to be given it. What can you do? Admittedly my mum lives 120 miles away, so this is hardly the same problem. And, to be fair, PFB is now almost three. Although the tea thing has been going on for some time...
Pick your battles - the tea and the car seat worth taking a stand over - a piece of paper in your babies mouth really not worth it. I'm just glad when I look over at DS if he does not have a living creature in his mouth. As for the ornaments, well you mother can learn the hard way and you can presumably afford to buy her a pack of socket covers for £2.
So yes you are a bit PFB (but not about everything) and you need to decide if you can let go of your past issues or this whole arrangement is doomed.
If you have any slight doubts about her looking after your dd, don't do it. If you had issues with her as a mother, why would you consider putting your baby in her care?
I would say you don't feel it's going to work out at the moment and leave her in nursery for the whole day - at least you know she'll be supervised by adults who know how to responsibly care for a baby.
I'd send her to nursery.
You clearly don't trust her. Use some excuse such as free friday afternoons (true in my DS's nursery) and say that you will bring the baby over on the saturday morning. Don't agree to a long term agreement and don't make a big deal.
You are probably being a bit PFB, but you will not be happy if you let her look after your DD.
How cheap are electric point covers? can't you buy a packet or two if you feel so strongly? (6 for 99p on eBay)
Actually I never had them and none of my kids ever stuck their fingers or forks in plug sockets.
I could pick up every point you've made but really it all comes down to one phrase:
but also that I have a number of issues from childhood and I am really unsure about her ability to look after my baby the way I want her to.
Well, that's simple enough. You don't trust your own mother so don't let her mind the baby. Whether your issues are real or projected is another matter entirely.
I think keep your child in nursery. You clearly don't want her to look after them. You will continue to panic. You can't demand & it doesn't sound like she will listen anyway.
This will not go well, I'd keep her in nursery too.
You cannot be considered PFB over things like car seats and hot drinks. I would not leave my DS unsupervised at that age even for a moment because he will put anything in his mouth. Even now he is almost 13mo I will put him in the playpen if going any further than the next room for a couple of minutes.
It's hard when you go back to work after ML and you need to be completely happy with care your DC is receiving.
Put her in the nursery, if she's not willing to do it your way and you're not happy then she doesn't get to look after the baby while you're not there.
Like someone said before, socket covers are dangerous. Sockets themselves have built in safety devices which are overridden by the safety covers (the top pin pushes in something in the socket which allows electricity to flow)
Pick your battles. If the car seat is unsafe or the wrong size for your baby, make an issue of it. If it's simply not your preference, don't.
Chewing paper while in Grandma's arms won't do her any harm. Swallowing little ornaments or putting fingers in plugs could. Socket covers will sort out the latter.
Tea's a controversial one. I wouldn't, and can't understand why anyone would, but people often say they do, and that a little bit doesn't do any harm.
If there's absolutely no way you can reach a happy compromise with your mum, your DD will have to stay in nursery. It sounds as though there's a mixture of PFB and sensible caution there, so try and look at each issue individually, rather than as a whole great big mass of worry. If Grandma can look after your DD safely and happily, everyone will benefit. If not, it can cause major friction. Good luck!
It sounds like you're going to have a constant battle on your hands and you'll never feel at ease. It might be better to just leave her in nursery and arrange a time to visit your mum with your DD each week. Maybe as she gets older you can reconsider. The car seat issue would be a major deal breaker for me.
You are being Quite PFB IMO but you won't be happy so don't do it.
I would not have even thought about having an issue with the tea, if I hadn't read so many MN threads on the issue.
The car seat is a problem. No way around that.
Am surprised that Halfords fitted it, if it were so bad. Is it just dirty?
Now, am happy to turn a blind eye when a doting granny gives a baby a bit of chocolate, but some things are non-negotiable and car safety is one of them.
But more than that is the fact that you pointed out that you were unhappy with the car seat and she ignored your wishes.
She is going to continue to do this and you are never going to feel happy about leaving your daughter there.
Totally, completely and utterly bonkers PFB.
Either give your mother a break, or stick your kid in a nursery.
Agree with the others that you are being pfb over some things, but others like car seat are non negotiable.
However the bottom line is, you don't leave your child to be cared for by someone you aren't happy with. End of. Keep your child in nursery.
It is very wrong for your mother to pressurise you into using her as a childminder (I wonder whether this is the type of narcissistic behaviour to which you allude. It seems to be about providing something to meet HER needs. And don't be bulldozed by her guilt tripping you. You aren't depriving her of a relationship with her grandchild at all. You can visit as often as you want, invite her round etc- but you don't need to leave your child in sole care with her.
If you are in the UK, which it sounds like you are please read this....http://www.fatallyflawed.org.uk/
Socket covers are inherently UNSAFE, while UK BSE approved sockets have inbuilt safety. I discovered this after buying covers for every socket in the house, which I have now thrown out!
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