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AIBU?

WWYD - Husband

85 replies

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 12:10

Quick Summary..
Been married for 7 years. Before we had kids about 4 years ago I found out that my husband was using pictures of my sister and friends for masturbation.. found a big file of pics on his i-pod. Anyway after nearly getting divorced we went for couple counselling and my Husband claimed to have an addiction and said he had did this since he was a teenager (With girls / women in his life) but realised it was wrong... he said he mainly did this to block out depressing feeling, has a bad relationship with his Mother, his sister is mentally ill, he had a major accident that left him infertile (or so we thought at the time) anyway we got back on track and have since had children. Since the kids we haven't really been too close mainly drifting along and surviving, both of us working full time etc. But at a family party recently I seen him at the kids bedroom window with his i-phone as if taking a pic of the people below in the garden. He denies this and I don't know what to do... WWYD?

OP posts:

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worraliberty · 27/07/2011 12:13

Sorry but he sounds like a pretty sick man

Can you not get him proper help?

GeekCool · 27/07/2011 12:14

So can he never take a picture again? Based on your OP, I wouldn't do anything...

PamBeesly · 27/07/2011 12:16

Oh God feelinshit thats an awful situation for you. On first reaction I'd feel sick and then confront him about it, actually I'd do what my heart said, I'd probably get out. It depends on so many factors and thats just what i would do if t was my particular situation. If I found my DH masturbating to pics of my sis I'd die. I don't think I could come back from that but you two obviously did. I think this might be the first time you've seen him do it, perhaps he has done it and you haven't? Is that a possibility? You have a lot of thinking to do but since its a wwyd I'd get out. Good luck.

I am assuming in all of this that he was taking pictures in a secretive manner and not outside with a camera? Just check before you rush in that it isn't innocent, ask him, then trust your gut, you've been there before.

Filibear · 27/07/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 12:18

Are you sure he was taking pictures, and not just looking at his phone????

I am really not sure what you are asking.. and unless you have seen the photos on his phone, if they exist, then its all a bit vague really.

DuelingFanjo · 27/07/2011 12:21

I'd just divorce him for being an utter twat. that's what I would do. Can't tell you what you should do though.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 27/07/2011 12:21

He sounds odd but, sorry, from what you say in your OP, so do you. I appreciate you did say it's the summary, but still: do you really think he's turned on by snaps taken at parties? Why do you jump to the conclusion he was even taking a picture?

Yes, it's pretty revolting he was masturbating over your sister - and you say he 'claimed' to have an addiction (you don't believe him - why?). There's obviously so much mroe going on here, I can't really understand from what you give.

GypsyMoth · 27/07/2011 12:22

have you seen what pics are on the ipod? who was in the garden that he could possibly want a photo of?

worraliberty · 27/07/2011 12:24

Does you sister know about the pics he was masturbating to?

manicbmc · 27/07/2011 12:27

I'd say it's a compulsion rather than an addiction. We all get compulsions - like my urge whilst shopping yesterday to kill everyone in sight. Most people manage to keep compulsions under control because they are the wrong thing to do. Your husband knows it's wrong. He should stop out of respect for you. If he has no respect then leave him.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 12:28

my Husband claimed to have an addiction and said he had did this since he was a teenager (With girls / women in his life) but realised it was wrong

I am not even sure if it is wrong and/or an addiction... most men (and women) masturbate.. most use some sort of visual image, either in their mind, or a photo/film as part of it... but most people would probably imagine it to be a celebrity they fancy, rather than someone they know in real life, (or at least wouldnt admit to anyone else that they were thinking of their wifes sister or mate for example)...

I have loads of photos of friends on my phone, that I have taken on nights out etc..... (have never used them for any sort of sexual aid I must stress!)... but if I had, who would know???????

Very weird thread IMO unless there is a lot more to it.

worraliberty · 27/07/2011 12:30

That's a point. How did you find out OP?

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 14:59

ok so the last time he had a file that I found on his i-pod with mainly pics of my sis, zoomed into chest area and things.. yuck!! But I don't know if I'm strong or stupid but I did get over it as I was very much in love with him. I know he prob sounds like an absolute creep but generally he is a funny, attractive, caring man. Anyway, I seen him taking the pic from the kids bedroom and when I confronted him he showed me the phone and there was nothing on it. But I know he wasn't just looking at his phone as he suggested, going by my gut!

OP posts:

bubblesincoffee · 27/07/2011 15:15

He sounds wierd and I feel very sorry for your sister!

Does she know that the man her sister has brought into her life has used pictures of her like that as porn?

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 15:21

You need to speak to him, you cannot ignore this.

If you accepted last time, and i asume you did, otherwise you wouldn't have gone on to have DC's with him, that this behaviour is a reaction to 'depressive feelings' then as a couple you need to discuss how he is feeling now.

Examine why you have drifted apart and then you need to decide if you love your DH and want your relationship to continue.

feelinshit · 27/07/2011 16:38

my sister doesn't know.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 17:19

Anyway, I seen him taking the pic from the kids bedroom and when I confronted him he showed me the phone and there was nothing on it.

So he hadnt taken any photos then...... okaaaaaaay.

welshbyrd · 27/07/2011 17:28

Gosh what a situation
Only thing I can add OP is, are you going to accept his versions of events, or is it going to niggle, and niggle you. If its the latter, I can not see how you can get through it together

redexpat · 27/07/2011 17:39

If you want to stay married I think you should arrange some marriage time and try and rekindle the relationship. It doesn't just happen, you really ahve to work at it.

parakeet · 27/07/2011 19:33

I think it is really common for men to masturbate while thinking of people other than their wife. Including their wife's sister and friends. Does it make it so much worse that he's looking at photos while he does it instead of imagining scenes in his head?

I have never seen a MN post where I my views are so at odds with everyone else's.

ashamedandconfused · 27/07/2011 19:45

I've started threads like this myself OP, I really feel for you. In my case it was very tame internet porn, just photos of scantily clad or half naked women.

you will get responses from those who totally accept that their partners use porn and fantasise , they may watch porn themselves and even those who are into partner swapping - and see no harm in it, do not feel threatened by it - others who, like me, would feel it was a kick in the guts to know Dh has done this. gutted, betrayed, compared, decieved, i felt them all.

the answer is to talk talk talk some more. DH HAS to accept he has made you feel this way by his past actions, and if he wants your marriage to succeed he needs to do everythign in his power to reassure you and keep on and on reasuring you. certain things still trigger my insecurities and send me back to feeling like I did when i first found out, then we have to talk again, and i feel better.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 19:47

Well I agree with you Parakeet. :)

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worraliberty · 27/07/2011 19:49

I think having a 'big file of pics' of them is bloody creepy...especially zooming in on their tits.

ashamedandconfused · 27/07/2011 19:52

I think it makes it worse that they are people he actually knows - how is the Op meant to feel at social gatherings where her friends and sisters are and she doesn't know if her Dh is getting turned on leering at them. that would have been far worse for me. that my Dh was involved in internet pics made it somehow less of a threat to me and more of "its not real" to him too.

squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 19:52

That was 4 years ago though, and we dont know what the ops definition of "big" is.... could be 20 photos.. could be 200..

The OP thought she had caught him out again, but she looked on his phone, and there were no photos there... so maybe OP was mistaken this time.

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