to be angry with oh and mil

[Neeliethere]

I have for the third year running found out by accident that she has given him a large sum of money and they have agreed that I was not to know. It is for his use only. He cannot afford his golf club fees and so she pays it for him.

Last year we were offered a place in a fab school for our daughter which costs about £2,000 a term. We asked if she could help us out with the fees because we weren't sure if we could manage and she refused saying she didn't agree with us sending our daughter to a private school, (it isn't its a grant maintained at a third of the cost) and if state school was good enough for her son it was good enough for our daughter (we tried to explain it was state school but just a bit different but she was having none of it). Anyway through childcare vouchers and me getting more hours at work, and doing more hours in my own business we have managed with a struggle. Meanwhile she spends time bragging to her neighbours about the wonderful school her daughter is going to and showing off the photos of her in her special parade uniform.

Well just after refusing this assistance she paid for his golf club fees saying he deserved it as he got nothing for himself. He didn't tell me about it I found out by stealth.

This year our house has a major expensive problem and we can't get it fixed. This time again, she has given him a lump sum to pay for the golf, which he has kept secret. I am livid. I have told him I am out and have told him its the last straw.

We have a long history of lying about time off work, money spent, money earnt, time spent on the golf course, etc etc. Claiming to be at work when he is a football matches or playing golf. If and when I ever discover one of these lies and confront him he calls me a control freak.

She lies a lot too, exaggerating everything about her life including the miriad of ailments. I have told him to tell his mother she will never enjoy my hospitality again (she gave this money to him on the way home from a four day visit where I waited on her never once making even a cup of tea).

Am I right to be so blummin angry? I am shaking just typing this three days after the discovery.

[EndaHoran]

I'd let him go and live with mummy dearest tbh.

[fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran]

My ex-MIL did this. And more.

You will note she is the EX-mil

[Neeliethere]

Problem is he won't go. Kicked him out two years ago and he just kept arriving back in tears begging and pleading, or shouting and threatening and then getting a terminal illness so I felt sorry for him. It turned out to not terminal and he is still here telling his lies despite protestations for the last 18 months that he has changed.

[BlueCat2010]

MIL - meh, you'll never change her and would be banging you head against a brick wall if you tried.

DH - big problem when you have secrets (especially about money!) and he is totally out of order, particularly when you have taken on extra work to ensure your child gets to go to the school. He is being a 100% arsehole and doesn't deserve you! [hsad]

[hellospoon]

Get rid now. For your own sake.

[glassescase]

She should support you as a family, imo, not encourage him to behave like a spoiled child.

[hellospoon]

Get rid now. For your own sake.

[hellospoon]

Sorry abount my double post! Bloody phone

[Neeliethere]

So I'm not being unreasonable in shaking like a leaf, heart pounding in my chest and feeling like a blood vessel is about to explode in my head then?

[EndaHoran]

If he won't go, then walk away. They sound like nutters.

[EndaHoran]

Well I think YABU to be surprised. They've done it before.

[Georgimama]

Whilst it might have been nice for your MIL to offer you assistance with school fees, and it is no doubt galling for her to now boast about your daughter being at such a lovely school, you have no right whatsoever to be annoyed about her refusal to assist. Your beef doesn't seem to be that your husband goes running to mummy for help, but that she is prepared to give help when she feels like it i.e. his golf fees and not when you would like her to i.e. school fees.

[mrsbiscuits]

What EndaHoran said x

[Neeliethere]

Good point endahoran. I shouldn't be surprised should I. What I am finding so hard to bear is that I am being told that I am out of order for finding out and I am just being greedy trying to grab her money for myself. He says this "she's my mother, its her money, its nothing to do with you". Your just jealous because you haven't got a parent giving you any money". etc etc.

[DogsBestFriend]

He needs sorting out for lying to you and she needs cutting off for coming between a husband and wife. She's entitled to give him the money but he's out of order for hiding it and she is too for being complicit in doing so.

I'd be fuming about the school issue too. She's entitled to say no to you and entitled to her opinions on paid for education, as much as I disagree with her, but she should keep that view to herself. There she should have told a white lie, if only out of consideration and manners.

I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with the woman but the real issue is your DH, she is only facilitating his behaviour, he's the one who's actually carrying it out. Maybe if you distance yourself from her she will get the hint and fck off! I'd certainly be having words with her about her attempts to destroy your marriage and with DH about his lies. He wouldn't last long if he didn't buck his ideas up, that's for sure.

[SamsGoldilocks]

I can't see how if you have big family expenses he doesn't use the money for that. bang out of order

[EndaHoran]

Would he be okay with you receiving 2k from MIL/Santa/Postman and keeping it a secret?

[Neeliethere]

I agree with your comment Georgi. What I find so distressing is that they do this in secret. I have just spent the week treating her like a royalty. I don't want her money and I'm glad that we are managing the fees without her. It is gauling to hear her bragging to friends and relatives about the lovely posh school her grandaughter is going to. We bought to her the annual parade last weekend and she was grinning ear to ear and looking like Hyacinth Bucket as she stood there looking at all the others dressed up like it was ladies day at Ascot. I just feel so angry that he is not in the least concerned about the problem with the house and keeps any much needed money for himself. I guess this on top of discovering that he has been earning a lot more money than he let on for the last few months. I have not been sleeping for fear of impending financial disasters and he just keeping large piles of cash to himself.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

If he won't go them you should (easier said than done I know).

Leave him with the house with the expensive problem. I'm sure he and his Mother will sort it out between them!

[Georgimama]

Well, as others have said your problem isn't really her - she couldn't be a problem to you without his collusion. He lies to you and prioritises his own needs/wants over the family's. Obviously that is out of order, but what are you going to do about it? Have you tried actually sitting down with him and calmly saying "the house needs x doing to it urgently and it is going to cost y. Do you honestly think it is reasonable of you to spend z on golf fees when we have that expense hanging over us, and I am stressed to hell about it?"

[DogsBestFriend]

Do you have a joint account? Or even access to his? Because if I were you I'd start spiriting money away now in case he disappears and leaves you high and dry... often it seems that men who hide income and lie about their salaries to their DWs are doing it with the intention of shitting on their DWs at some stage.

I'd certainly be making copies of all his bank statements/online accounts and so on and keeping them in a safe place too.

Sorry to sound so negative but he sounds dodgy to me.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

She should be able to treat her son but I see no reason for it to be a secret.

If you choose to pay part private school and live in a house that needs work whilst money is an issue then you made that decision as a grown woman - expecting your MIL to bail you out is unreasonable. Surely she would take pride in her grand daughter and school regardless of private or state or is she only allowed to be proud if paying the fees?

[PetronusOfSteel]

I'm not surprised you're shaking, I'd be absolutely livid at this. To be fair there is no obligation on your MIL to give you money towards school fees or house repairs and, even if golf strikes me as one of the world's most pointless passtimes, if your MIL wants to pay the fees there's not a lot you can do about it. However the lies and deceit are pretty poor behaviour from her.

Your 'D'P sounds like a total arse.

Just out of interest how much are the golf fees?

[Neeliethere]

Yes Yes Yes Georgi. I have several time especially over the last few days. I have been met with accusations of being greedy, a control freak and a bitter angry woman.

I have told him I am moving out and have started the search for a flat. I have been to Citizens Advice today and made an appointment with the local authority visa vie housing benefit for the short term until I get the house sold. He is refusing to move out. So I must. I have no other choice really. We have these blow ups on at least an annual basis so I guess its time. Sadly I think he is just thinking I'm bluffing. I haven't shared my plans with him just said I want out and that I will be leaving as soon as I have found alternative accommodation for myself and my daughter.

But again, he says I am overreacting and have a mental problem.