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to not invite my SIL to wedding?

(101 Posts)
BendyBores Mon 22-Nov-10 20:27:57

Long story so apologies in advance.

I am getting married early next summer. Admittedly since getting engaged it's taken a lot to get me motivated into planning it (I dislike wedding planning).

When I first got engaged my SIL was very enthusiastic in how she was going to help me plan it (SIL and I were not close at time of engagement). However, because I have not implemented all her ideas she got quite upset with me.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to upset her but DP and I merely just booked the simple stuff in the space of one evening.

SIL told me about an amazing car company 'I just had to use', so I agreed I'd take a look. But later a friend with a very nice car said I could lend theirs for the day (saving me a small fortune.

SIL also wants me to involve her three children in the day - I don't want to. I have a child myself and am having my only sister and child involved in the cermony itself. Not because I don't care for my nieces and nephews but I don't want a massive wedding.

SIL has now fallen out with me spectacularly. She keeps texting me abusive messages, and has mentioned how everyone leaves her out all the time (she does tend to be overdramatic).

Thing is, this was three months ago and she and my brother still won't speak to me. She has done things like this in the past with other family members if she can't get her own way (which I've always thought was a bit odd). I have explained several times to her (when we were speaking) that I didn't want a fuss and it wasn't personal.

She has made all kind of lies up to other family members - which are just pointless to respond to. So I am thinking it would be easier not to invite her to my wedding day. AIBU?

I told my mum my plans and her response was - invite them but they will probably refuse anyway. This riled me to - I'd rather not give them the option to refuse the invite. Petty I know, but I'm sick of our family pandering to this woman. My brother supports his wife even when she has been quite nasty in the past - so I don't expect his support but I understand his decision to stand by her.

BendyBores Mon 22-Nov-10 20:28:37

Title should read 'to my wedding'.

Sorry blush

thisisyesterday Mon 22-Nov-10 20:31:04

i would invite them. otherwise you'll forever have to live with "and they didn't even invite us to the wedding"

take the moral highground.
will your brother talk to you? does he think she is being reasonable?

scurryfunge Mon 22-Nov-10 20:32:27

Invite them - it is up to them then.

mjinhiding Mon 22-Nov-10 20:34:23

Message withdrawn

pollyblue Mon 22-Nov-10 20:34:30

Don't lower yourself to her level - in your shoes I'd invite her (be the bigger person, if you like). If she refuses, well that's up to her. But you've given her the option and the onus will be on her not to be an arse (but it sounds like there's no much hope of that!)

I had a lovely but very low-key wedding, so completely understand how you feel about that.

Shaxx Mon 22-Nov-10 20:35:27

I would definitely send them an invitation card.
No one will then be able to tell you that you were in the wrong.

BendyBores Mon 22-Nov-10 20:40:36

Can I get away with just an evening invite? I really don't want her being there with a miserable face (and I can guarantee that much) whilst picking all the faults with my wedding?

My brother always supports her - I don't always think he hears what's really happened but that's his choice, and I can't speak to him directly anymore.

muggglewump Mon 22-Nov-10 20:41:28

In theory, for the sake of not falling out with people etc, you should invite her.

I wouldn't. It's a really important day, why would you share it with someone so bonkers?

It's up to you whether you want to deal with the fall out.

I find not answering the phone or the door to people I don't care for works.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp Mon 22-Nov-10 20:46:08

As he's your brother, I'd invite them to the ceremony. Mind you I wouldn't bother at all unless you can actually talk to either of them. Why would you invite someone to your special day if you aren't even on speaking terms.

She's being very petty - your wedding your choices. She's had her wedding, bet she didn't let anyone hijack her plans.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 22-Nov-10 20:48:31

You should invite them. If you don't you will be forever "the one that wouldn't let DP invite his own sister to his wedding." the reasons for it will fade. On your wedding day, his family will be whispering about "poor SIL, not invited". Better then be whispering about "bonkers SIL has refused to come."

Get your invite out to her early, that way she can decline and you can invite someone else in that place.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 22-Nov-10 20:50:07

oh, sorry, just realised it's your DB's wife! Then it's not fair on your mum to make her take sides. And she will have to take sides.

Do everything right, then be able to smile and know any bitterness towards you isn't justified.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp Mon 22-Nov-10 20:50:27

Think its her brothers wife not hubby's sister.

fluffles Mon 22-Nov-10 20:53:00

you've got to invite them to keep the moral high ground.
honestly it's so much more satisfying in these situations to be faultlessly polite.

Joolyjoolyjoo Mon 22-Nov-10 20:54:10

I'd go for inviting them- makes you look like the bigger person, and makes her look daft to all the other people she has spread lies to. She quite probably won't come. but if she does, try not to get into any discussions with her- you really don't want your wedding to be remembered as The One With The Almighty Cat Fight!

activate Mon 22-Nov-10 20:56:09

1. Invite them it's the only moral thing to do

2. you should have involved her children too - you can't have just one set of children involved in the wedding - that was wrong.

3. congratulations and enjoy your wedding

cat64 Mon 22-Nov-10 20:56:41

Message withdrawn

BendyBores Mon 22-Nov-10 21:00:29

To clarify - it's my brothers wife (the SIL). I have only involved my child in the wedding. My sister is Matron of Honour, as we are really close. Not even my best friend has a role.

Will an evening invite really not do?

wannaBe Mon 22-Nov-10 21:02:01

tbh I can see why she would be upset that your other sister's children are included and her's aren't. I understand that it's your day but equally i can understand that she is upset that you have clearly favoured one child over the others.

It will look very badly on you if you don't invite them, and you can't invite your brother and not her so tbh I think you have no choice really but to invite them unless you want to be the cause of a family fude..

LoudRowdyDuck Mon 22-Nov-10 21:05:19

I do understand how you feel. My own mum is absolutely nuts and scary, and I was very unsure about having here there.

However, I think this idea of not inviting someone is really a bit of a fantasy - you think if you don't invite her you'll cut that bit of stress/negativity out of your wedding. But, of course, you won't. If you don't invite her, or only invite her for the evening, she will pester you and make life a misery for you. Unless you are the sort of person who is able to screen calls for the next few months until the wedding, and who will be able to ignore the objections of the rest of the family, I would say don't do it. If she's not invited, she and your brother could make life horrible for you: can you really cut her out and be sure that won't happen?

NorthernLurker Mon 22-Nov-10 21:06:00

Of course you should invite her. She is your brother's wife!

There are only a very few circumstances where it's reasonable not to invite such a close relation and I don't think you have any of them! Do you really want to start your married life with a slight like this hanging over your wole family? It WILL fester, no way round it.

muggglewump Mon 22-Nov-10 21:06:10

My brother didn't invite me to his wedding, I still think he was a shit, for his reasons (I'm a single parent, would embarrass him in front of his friends), but reading this, I sort of agree with him.
It was his wedding, he should do it how he wants, and if that includes not inviting his loser sister, then fair enough.

Why on earth should weddings be about anyone other than the Bride and Groom and whomever they want to invite.?*

*I did make the point in PP that you have to deal with the fall out.
No fall out in my family, I only see my brother a few times a year for a meal, and am polite and nod along with conversations.
Still think he's a knobber from knobbington, but then he always was.
Lucky for me he's just moved to the other side of the world, so it's a meal once every few years.

muggglewump Mon 22-Nov-10 21:06:57

Well, unless he flies Quantas.....grin

mummytoatribe Mon 22-Nov-10 21:07:45

We had very similar issues with my DH's sister before we got married. There was lots of abuse thrown at us by her because, like your SIL, she didnt get her own way over something. We didnt invite her, we didnt want the bother of her buggering about with the invite. she would say she wasnt coming, then that she was and then not turn up and using it as an excuse to reopen all the abuse etc. Needless to say that we were in the wrong for not inviting her despite some truly vile stuff she emailed and texted us (including saying that she was glad our baby was dead when I had a miscarriage).

None of his family came in the end and we had a much better day for it as we didnt have any worries about drama queens throwing hissy fits, which they (his mum and all 3 sisters) would have done!

Dont give them the satisfaction of inviting them, she would see that as a "win", sad but true.

Hulababy Mon 22-Nov-10 21:08:54

Surely she should be able to understand why the only child you are involving in a big way is your own child? I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

Presumably the other children would be invited to attend, just not as part of the actual immediate wedidng party?

But I do think you need to be the one to taket the moral high ground and to invite them to the whole wedding. Ball is then in their court. And they can;t use it against you with others int he future.

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