Friend's pregnancy announcement - why couldn't I be happier in pregnancy

[mag2305]

A friend announced she is pregnant with her second today. She's 38 and will be 39 when baby is due. I'm really pleased for her and it's lovely her 3 year old will have a little brother or sister too. But it also made me feel a bit sad.
I've also got a 3 year old and had my second baby in the summer. Both times getting pregnant and being pregnant caused me huge anxiety and effected my mental health hugely. To the extent that during the second pregnancy, I barely told anyone as I was so scared something would go wrong The birth with my first was awful and that didn't help second time. Plus we had some worrying scans and I had some bleeding early on. I also have a long term problem with health anxiety and panic attacks so my mental health has never been great.
When I saw my friend's announcement, part of me felt like beating myself up that I couldn't have been happier and more relaxed about it all like my she is. She hasn't even waited until the first scan to tell anyone, she's only about 4 weeks pregnant. She also fell first month trying with both. She hasn't had any covid vacinnes because she didn't want to with ttc and doesn't seem worried about covid.
Contrastly, I took 2 months first time and 5 the second time at ages 31 and then 33/34 to get pregnant. The second time round I got beside myself that it was taking too long and wouldn't ever happen again. The stress was huge. I also got really anxious about being pregnant during the pandemic. I had the vaccines and was super careful but it felt like it was a massive weight hanging over me. How is my friend so relaxed about it? Why couldn't I have been more like her?

I don't really know why I'm feeling this way. I suppose I just wish I could have enjoyed pregnancy more but instead it was a time of misery, anxiety and fear. I love being a mum, I love my ds and dd so so much. I love babies/children and would even consider no. 3 if it didn't involve being pregnant. My midwife told me that for some women they love pregnancy and for others it's a means to an end. I am the latter but wish I wasn't.

Everybody's journey to motherhood is different.

How quickly you fall pregnant also depends on luck.

5 months is a complete normal time and actually on the shorter side.

You're overthinking this massively. I'm sure she has worries and anxieties that you don't share. No need for us to all be the same. I hate pregnancy too, would it be nicer if I didn't? Of course. Is there anything I can do to change how I feel? Nope, so it's not worth giving any head space too. I guess you could try therapy if you feel it's really affecting you but if I were you I'd try and put it behind you (assuming you're two and done I guess).

The truth is, you don't really know what's going on in your friends head or what has gone on.
Everyone has a different view on things such as you thinking that you took a long time to conceive whereas I view that as a very short time (as up to a year is normal and it took me 2.5 years with unexplained infertility and failed IVF)
I come across to people as very relaxed and chilled throughout my pregnancy and as a parent where underneath I was/am absolutely terrified something will happen to her as I can't believe I'm a Mam! Had a complicated pregnancy with weekly scans, GD and IUGR.
Most people didn't know this (even close friends).
You focus on you and your family.

I think this is a case if you do you. And let her do her.

No need to compare yourself.

For what it's worth after 6 years TTC, I can't have children. Should I be more miserable than you because it took you 5 months? Do I want you to pity me? No to both in case you were wondering.

We are all on our own journey.

You're all right. I'm so bad at comparing myself then beating myself up. I don't know why I do it. I do have mental health issues and have done since I was a teenager. At times, it's been really bad. I also had PND after both pregnancies. My dd is only 4 months so maybe these feelings over my friends pregnancy is actually still PND in a way.
I just feel a huge sense of regret that I couldn't have been more optimistic during the pregnancies. I couldn't even look at any of the scans as I was so scared they'd say something was wrong. During the first pregnancy, I didn't want any baby stuff in the house or to even choose prams, etc. I felt like if I did that and something happened, I would have reminders everywhere at home. Same with not telling people I was pregnant second time round. I thought that if I told people, I might then have to tell them I'd had a miscarriage or still birth which I was so scared of. Consequently, I think I actually shocked a lot of people when I sent them a photo of my newly born dd. But they were understanding of my mental health and worries.
Like a pp said, we are all on our own journey. I need to remember that. X

Hi there, I struggle with anxiety too!

There is no reason to compare yourself to others, that's true, but I get you. For example, I am starting my ivf now, and I already worry about pregnancy (i am not even pregnant yet!) or what is going to happen to the child when i die... My therapist suggested to remind myself to focus my energy and worries to what i am dealing now (Am i going to get pregnant?) and then start adding logic to the fear. (maybe yes, maybe no, if I don't try I wont etc)

This thought process is helping calm me down a bit, I hope it's going to help you too ☺

It's also Facebook, where everyone is living their best life. You don't know what she is actually feeling.

To be honest she sounds …naive really - not being vaccinated and telling people so early. But that’s her choice.

I was the same as you, three pregnancies and all awful health wise and anxiety wise. I didn’t tell anyone outside immediate family until 6 months, I was terrified everyday. Coupled with extreme sickness until from 5 weeks until the day I gave birth all three times, it was hell on earth for me.

I know i’ve done it three times but pregnancy is so bad for me it’s been 3 over 19 years! Oldest 19, youngest 1.

Some people do sail through, others just hide their anxieties better. We are all different.

And I wouldn’t have any baby things in the house either. Huge gaps meant I didn’t keep cots/prams anyway. I was only happy getting those things once the babies were in my arms.

Hey OP, I’m sorry you struggle with anxiety. It sounds very tough. I know it’s very easy to say, but there is no point worrying about things that have been and gone. You can’t ever change how your pregnancies were, all you can do is try and be happy moving forward. So try to put your energy there.

All people are different. Personally it would never cross my mind to announce a pregnancy at four weeks, it strikes me as the behaviour of somebody who has been very lucky with their fertility and pregnancy so far. But that’s totally up to her, and nothing wrong with it. Also nothing wrong with you not sharing until much later on. I would be more like you!

Have you done any sort of CBT for your anxiety. Again, it sounds so small, but could you try recognising something to be grateful for or something good that has happened every day. Just try and help focus you on something more positive. I find that very therapeutic.

All the best

She hasn't had any covid vacinnes because she didn't want to with ttc and doesn't seem worried about covid.

Honestly? This makes me think she's a bit ignorant. Surely it is far better to have the vaccine whilst TTC then risk covid in pregnancy, as it is disproportionately risky for pregnant women.

We actually delayed TTC again by a few months - after previous miscarriages as I wanted to be fully vaccinated to minimise the chances of losing another pregnancy.

After having MCs myself, & being aware of family and friends having losses, I am finding this pregnancy pretty nerve-wracking. Sometimes I envy the blissfully unaware, but my journey is different to theirs and I hope they never have a reason to experience the anxiety of pregnancy after loss.

Thank you so much for all your replies. It's really helpful to read other similar experiences because anxiety can sometimes make you feel very alone and like you're different to everyone else. Just to add...

My two pregnancies were very different. With my first, my son, I was teaching full time in a big school and everyone knew I was pregnant and I'd get asked constant questions. I hated it because it just elevated my anxiety. Then the birth was a huge trauma. I had 3 days of back to back labour, an episiotomy, forceps, a torn artery in the process, 3 litre blood loss and a blood transfusion.
So the second pregnancy was scary. I had all that previous trauma coming back to haunt me, plus covid worries, bleeding in the first trimester and severe sickness. Plus we had two worrying scans. One at 8 weeks where the sonographer said the babies bowel wasn't right as it was growing on the outside or something. Then at the 20 week scan, the doctor said baby had an echogenic bowel which can mean all sorts of things. Fortunately my dd was fine but these things really scared me.

I remember speaking to a very unsympathetic midwife about my first trimester bleeding and her attitude was, if you lose it you lose it knid of thing. The bleeds happened Christmas eve and Christmas day last year just to add to the stress. I had to go into hospital on Christmas day for an anti d injection as I'm rh neg. I felt so incredibly low. Unfortunately my blood crossed with dd and a few hours after she was born, she was put into special care as she had very serious jaundice.
So there's been a lot of stuff going on. I know I can't change any of it. Maybe it's just about coming to terms with it all and accepting it.

You have two children already and she is pregnant with her second. Why are you envious? Your being silly, I thought you was going to see you had no children or unable to have any. But you do. Be happy for your friend and be grateful for the children you already have.

I was really sick during both my pregnancies. Hyperemesis and then repeated infections that had me in hospital for ~2 months at a time. Miserable. As such I felt a lot of pregnancy regret both at the time and when my friends all seemed to sail through it (and weren’t constantly on a ward on a drip of some kind!)

Not going to lie, it stuck with me for a while and certainly to an extent throughout my younger child’s babyhood. But now they’re 9 and 7 I never think about it anymore. Of course, it would have been lovely to have had better pregnancies for all kinds of reasons, but at the end of the day the kids are fine and so am I and that’s what’s important. It does pass.

Maybe have a chat with your GP about it if it’s becoming overwhelming though @mag2305. Please don’t beat yourself up; pregnancy, just like motherhood and everything else, is different for everyone. You’re a mum now with two lovely children. That’s what’s important.

I'm a bit shocked at the unpleasant comments on this thread about people who announce pregnancies early.

It's quite common for people who have experienced pregnancy loss to announce subsequent pregnancies earlier than 12 weeks, for the very good reason that people often want support through painful times, rather than to pretend it never happened. I've also heard a friend make the very sad point that, since she had a miscarriage, she wanted to announce her subsequent pregnancy because she felt sad that no one except her and her husband had ever got to be happy about the first baby, because people only found out after she'd already miscarried.

I am sorry you're anxious, OP, and it sounds rotten. But you can't tell what someone else is feeling.

@TrampolineForMrKite sounds like you really understand these feelings of pregnancy regret and good to hear that it faded as your children have got older. Maybe it's just all still a bit raw as my dd is only 4 months. I'm receiving help from a perinatal mental health team and will do until my daughter is a year.

@secular39 it's not as simple as just being silly as you said and I'm certainly not envious of my friend having a second child. It's more a sense of regret that I couldn't have been a bit more excited during the pregnancy but instead I lived in total fear. I totally admit, that in my particular case, things are complicated. I have severe health anxiety and related ocd which got a lot worse in both pregnancies and postnatally. I can honestly say, there were times when it was like a living hell.

I don't want to sound ungrateful at all. It's not like that. I have a faith and I regularly pray to say thank you for my children who truly are a beautiful blessing. I also try to remind myself that I got through two very difficult pregnancies/births and try to recognise the inner strength in all that.

Women who announce early are not naive for goodness sake. Nor are some who choose not to vaccinate during pregnancy.

It is their choice and theirs alone. I told family and friends I was pregnant the second the stick turned positive, because I wanted the support of them should the pregnancy not progress.

FFS, labeling women who choose to do pregnancy their way is why other women are seen as judgemental dickbags. Judging a woman you don’t know as naive because she hasn’t done “pregnancy” the same way as you did (previous poster) is a dick move.

OP, this woman’s pregnancy has no impact on yours. You didn’t do anything wrong and you’re being the very best mother you can be. Some women sail through pregnancy with not a blip, others have a really tough time. It’s nothing to do with “who we are” or “what we think” or “how we behave”. It is pure, dumb, luck.

There was nothing you could do to make you enjoy your pregnancies because your pregnancies were tough, and they weren’t fun. Please stop focusing on the past, because you can’t control it. All you can do is look at each day in the future and enjoy those days as best you can.

You’re beating yourself up unnecessarily- be kinder to yourself, please.

I really dislike being pregnant. Nothing wrong with that. Ultimately, whether you loved or loathed pregnancy doesn't make a difference to your baby or your life after pregnancy.

*disliked

I’ve not done pregnant. Being unvaccinated with no medical reason is still stupid.

Pregnancy*

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Reading this thread has made me realised my anxiety and health anxiety might get strong during pregnancy. However I've had years of therapy CBT and other types, so hopefully I'll be able to work closely with my therapist before the time comes. May I ask, are you in therapy? CBT really with a good therapist has really helped me ! Hope this helps even just a little. Wishing you all the best