Am I a problem friend? Honesty welcome

[Mountaingoatling]

I am posting for honest instinctive responses and questions which might help me reflect.

I make friends exceptionally easily.

After a few years, my friends seem to dump me. Never unkindly. More slow fade and boundary setting.

What is wrong with how I am as a friend?

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

I am passionate, opinionated and always reply to texts as soon as I can. I am often asked for advice by friends.

In the early days of friendship people say things like, "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing".

After a few years they just seem to move on.

I'd really like to keep friends for longer while understanding some will be transitory.

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong.

I am a bit lax at birthdays (I don't celebrate my own) but do mark them and attend the events, buy a gift.

Be honest. I can take it.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Are you a bit full on? Do you steal attention or not give back enough?

[Bluntness100]

The passionate and opinionated stands out. Can you explain that further and how that translates into your behaviour? How well you listen to others opinions? How keen you are to give yours?

[Mountaingoatling]

Thank you @1AngelicFruitCake

Yes. I come from a large Mediterranean family. I am used to everyone speaking a lot and dramatically. To us it's very lovely.

I don't always stop and ask quiet people how they are. If they come to me with a problem I am all about them. If they don't say much, I just assume all is fine

How can I ask someone, how are you really though?

Could I perhaps pause after they've told me all is fine, and say, how are you really though?

[Aquamarine1029]

I am passionate, opinionated

This stood out to me. Perhaps what you consider being passionate is perceived as being overbearing to some people. Are you opinionated to the point where everything becomes a debate? Do you constantly give your opinion, even when it's not asked for? That can be very wearing, too.

[flowerpootle]

Hi OP, you sound fine to me! I wonder though if you possibly struggle to tune in to people. So not just hearing what they are saying but also picking up their body language, expressions etc. Might be that you are a bit full on and not always able to adapt to someone in a quieter mood? Also just to check do you hold any really controversial opinions? The one friend I have pulled back from is an anti vaxxer. After I had kids I just couldn't over look it.

[wildseas]

A very old friend of mine has this pattern with newer friends. She is a lovely person and would describe herself in similar terms to you have.

It happens because she is really flaky and cancels all the time. She would say always for good reason: I didn’t sleep, I feel poorly, I have something urgent to do. But on the receiving end it’s very frustrating.

I have really good boundaries in place with her but newer friends just fade away.

[CrushedPistachios]

What stands out to me is making friends very easily. Ultimately I think certain people are open to immediate, important connections but they'll perhaps be transient and slip out of those friendships, perhaps into ones with new people.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think, when you have been friends for long enough, you don’t need to ask how people really are: you will be able to spot their indicators.

[Mountaingoatling]

Thank you @Aquamarine1029. I don't have an opinion and don't express one on sensitive topics by and large. I would be measured.

But if some small topic comes up, I will make perhaps quite extreme statements. I might say, "I can't see the point of mushrooms. How can a mushroom be one of you five a day. It's not even green!"

I mean this to sound funny. I would never say this if for example my friend served mushrooms.

I do express my opinion before it is asked for.

[Mountaingoatling]

Gosh everyone. Thank you there is so much to think about. To the poster who said about being flaky, that is an issue with me. I have very low level agoraphobia and social anxiety which tends to manifest in getting into obsessive routines before leaving the house and being late. In the last 4-5 years I managed this better. But then I did flake on a friend only two weeks ago. I was a gibbering wreck. I made up a shit excuse.

@CrushedPistachios I want to check i understood you. Often people become my friend when they're having a tough time. Then their life gets to be closer to what they want and then I feel they don't need me, or associate me with this bad time. But is that what you meant?

If I'm having a panic, should I be honest with friends? I pretty much always lie because in the past when I've been honest people say, oh just come, it'll be fine. I honestly am now 95% reliable.

[AmyDudley]

In the early days of friendship people say things like, "you totally understand me", "I'd be lost without you", "you are amazing".

I think sometimes people attract and are attracted to a certain kind of person. It sounds as if at least some of the friends you make are in a situation where they need help, need someone to talk to, or are feeling needy in some way.
I think when this is the case a couple of things can happen either - they are people who use someone for their own needs and then drop them when they are in a better place, or they associate you with that time when they were vulnerable or unhappy or need a lot of support and once they are feeling better they don;t want to have anything or anyone associated with that time around them. They might also feel they have over shared with you and you know their vulnerabilities and that make them feel uncomfortable.

Also - are your friends mostly British or are they also mediterranean ? Its a cliche but British people can find people who are open emotionally or used to big families where every talks at once, overwhelming. I am a very tactile person and I grew up in a family where we had very animated conversations and differences of opinion over the dinner table or wherever. No one took it personally, it was just people voicing their opinion. It was a big shock to me when I met my mother in law to be - because she thought that anyone disagreeing was some kind of major quarrel and everyone must always agree and only ever discuss non controversial topics - she used to get very upset, even cry if I said 'I don't agree with that'.

Those are the only things I can think of that might be affecting your friendships

[Mountaingoatling]

@HeddaGarbled

I think, when you have been friends for long enough, you don’t need to ask how people really are: you will be able to spot their indicators.

I don't think I do this well. I am used to very expressive demonstrative family. I think I should observe more and observe quietness more. Thank you.

[PieceOfString]

Hmmm. I'm not sure you haven't just been unlucky. You sound great to me. I like strong women. I have lost friendships by not being very interested in playing friendship politics in the past. I have a solid core of friends now who are like me and don't play mind games but in my experience these people are not in abundance, so perhaps because you're so open and friendly (which is almost universally appealing), you've actually not been setting enough yourself and have ended friends with people who aren't quite entirely your kind of person (and vice versa).

[PieceOfString]

Setting enough = selective enough

[IslandSnow]

I wonder if you’ve got this the wrong way around. It isn’t that you’re losing friends - it’s how you’re making them in the first place when they may be using you. Maybe try for more slow burn friendships - people who would never gush “you’re amazing!” But are simply low key and consistent

[IslandSnow]

And not saying this is you but I know a couple of people who don’t tend to keep friends and tbh it’s because they’re massive drama queens

[beastlyslumber]

I think you are talking about the 'fluff' of friendships rather than the core of them. The fluff is all the surface stuff, funny chats or making people feel good or even listening/giving advice. The core of a friendship is the love and trust you forge over years getting to know one another, and its based on honesty and intimacy that goes both ways.

It sounds like you are a fun and nice person to be around, but maybe you don't find it easy to open up and be vulnerable. It sounds like you attract people who are a bit needy, because you are willing to give a lot, but they don't give the same back to you. Perhaps they are selfish, or perhaps you don't give them a change. Do you let people see the real you? Next time you make a friend, try being honest and open with them from the start. Aim for equality in the friendship, rather than just being there for them. Build trust in small ways and stay consistent with it. I think it might go differently for you.

[Mountaingoatling]

@PieceOfString that's terribly kind of you. Right now there are two very awesome women whove I've been friends with for 9 and 5 years who seem to have withdrawn. They are very great people and we have gone through a lot. I suspect one is struggling with mental health and know she is the type to go quiet when she feels bad. The other is in a very exciting phase with a new business and new live in boyfriend. Yet I do think there is something I'm doing wrong. But I do very much appreciate your encouragement x

[KeyErro]

How do you feel about the people who have drifted away from you?
I get the feeling from the way you write that it's more the concept of friendship than the people themselves that you miss.
Do you try contacting people again at some point, or are you happy to let them go?
I think if you have always made friends easily then actually your attitude is quite robust and healthy and you aren't fighting to sustain relationships that don't work, so that's quite positive.

[NiceGerbil]

I make friends very easily and find that they are less sticky than the handful of friends I've had most of my life.

I think it's natural really. It's too short to really know someone warts and all.

You may and I do discuss and disclose all sorts but it's not that deep really. It's a time thing. I think it takes years to make what I would call a close friend.

Don't worry about it IMO.

[DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo]

What's your situation, OP?

Do you have a partner? children?

Sometimes relationships ebb and flow as life develops and changes.

It might not be anything to do with you personally at all.

[NiceGerbil]

Just read your last post.

They are at a different point and will come back.

I have friends I've not seen for 10b years and when we meet it's like no time has passed.

I doubt its you :)

[Mountaingoatling]

I miss each of them individually hugely and think of them regularly and I feel a deep sense of shame that I did something wrong.

Of course there are people I met and am no longer in touch with where it was just nice at the time.

You're right: I get over attached. I feel a little bereft.

New friends come along.

But now when a new friend comes along i think...ill do this wrong behaviour again.

Hmmmm..there is a lot here for me to really honestly think about.

[daisypond]

By boundary setting I mean, they don't initiate conversations, say they are too busy to meet and seem to cut conversations short. At which point I obviously don't stay in touch either.

Why not? I don’t think it’s an obvious to not stay in touch. How quickly are you giving up on those friendships? Are you seeing a slight where there may be none? Or even if there is a problem, why don’t you discuss it with your friend before you give up on the friendship?

[AliceW89]

You sound like you put on an unintentional front with friends. You say you are passionate and opinionated but then you say you are low level agrophobic, with social anxiety and obsessive routines. People generally need both extroverts and introverts in their circle of friends - a group of just one or the other would collapse. It sounds however like you are slipping between the gap of both. By trying to be something you are not, you have the potential to come across as slightly awkward and fake. Do you think you try to please others too much? This appears a lovely characteristic at first but becomes very weary and tiresome quite quickly, IMO.

Also, are your relationships mostly over social media/WhatsApp? Doesn’t matter how good a friend is at messaging back, it’s the face to face relationship that’s the game changer to me.