I don't know how to get better

[paperwheel]

Can someone talk to me please? I'm not coping with life. Have had lots to cope with since a child and it still keeps coming.

I just don't know what to do. I regret everything. I should have had a second child and didn't because my first had health problems, which are now resolved.

I had a large family so didn't see this as a problem at the time but they're mostly estranged now and it's me, my narcissistic husband and young adult daughter left on our own. I've also got health problems now and will need an operation that may not solve the problem.

I don't know what to do. I hate myself for not making my family unit larger and I hate myself for my state of mind which is now so fragile. I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry OP, I don't have any advice or much useful to offer but I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope that someone comes along soon with some more useful thoughts .

It sounds like you need more support. I know this is quite a basic question but have you been to see your GP?

Thank you. I haven't spoken to the doctor recently I just need to talk now please.

Oh bless you op .
You can talk to us on here, we do listen, but please try to call your gp first thing tomorrow.

I have a daughter with mental disabilities its tough, you are feeling massively overwhelmed of course you are.

I'm also estranged from immediate family through my own choice.

Is your husband absolutely no help at all ? Could you maybe tell him how you fell if you fell able to if course.

Are there support groups in your area that could maybe help you and your daughter ?
You sound a good mum .
All us mums and some dads get overwhelmed by the shit life throws at us and it's normal ,it really is and is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you. Just to hear someone say 'it's okay' is a massive support. I have no support at all which is very hard.

Sorry to hear you have a tough time with your daughter's difficulties.

You are welcome @paperwheel.
Thank you, it is hard sometimes.
But know that you really are not alone and there is support out there.
You just need to reach out for it

How are you doing @paperwheel? Just bumping this for you

Hi paperwheel. I’m so sorry it’s difficult for you and you don’t have support. I understand that you have some regrets - I’m sure most of us do - but I am concerned that you are saying you hate yourself for those regrets. That’s not right, as I’m
sure you know. Having a narcissistic husband can’t be easy. Do you think it influences how you feel about yourself? Do you maybe want to talk more about that?

Thank you for checking. I'm not doing well at all.
Narcissistic husband definitely makes my life harder and sad. He has let me down so much and continues to do so often. He lives in his own world and although he says he cares about me, I'm ignored and often it's over important things like health which is devastating. I had an important conversation with a nurse in front of him recently and he has no recollection of this conversation. He's wrapped up in himself. It's disgusting.
Thisnis made much harder because I have no one else either. I come from a really dysfunctional family and all the relationships between everyone have completely fallen apart now. My mother is at the centre of the whole mess with her alcohol problem and violence and spite towards everyone. Well not everyone, some of the younger family members have only seen her false exterior and have no idea how she really behaves. She controlled me for many many years but now I can see how she deliberately causes rifts between family members and sits back and watches the fallout. The spite that comes out of her mouth is awful and yet somehow she manages to reel family members in and get away with this behaviour to a large extent.
She used to beat the hell of me as a child but more damaging were her vicious words and belittlement of me as a child and teenager which shaped who I am and in my opinion made me the depressed, weak, unhappy person I am today.
I've been strong in life and had periods of happiness and stability but too much has happened now. I'm overloaded with it all.
I don't know how to recover from this. My husband has done terrible things, my health is not good and I regret and despise myself for not giving my child a sibling, for proving a family 'unit' in the face of how the rest of my family are. None of these things I can change and that's unbearable. I need to reset my mind and I can't.
Thanks for reading.

OP - you and your daughter are already a family unit. You do not need another child, especially with your narcissist husband. Your daughter does not need a sibling. You can choose to leave your husband if you wish to.

First things first, take care of your own health. Make a list of the things you must do. This likely includes making an appointment with your doctor. But also basic self care - sleeping, drinking water, eating well, exercise if you can, showering and brushing teeth regularly, keeping your home hygienic and tidy.

Step away from those that cause you stress - such as your mother or other family members. Look up the “grey rock” technique if you still need to be in contact with them. If you haven’t seen it already, there is a thread on here called something about “Stately Homes” for people from difficult families, which might help with your family issues.

The first part of things getting better is you knowing that there is a problem. So you are on the first step of the journey. I wish you well for the rest of the journey.

It's the depression or anxiety talking - tbh having one child rather than two sounds like a good thing as I expect a divorce with a narc, and a health issue to cope with, is far more manageable for you and your child with a smaller family unit. I expect your mind has fixated on the idea of a second child as a 'cure' that is the 'if only' that would have made everything better whereas I think it might've pushed you over breaking point & right now it is what it is - things are rough, and they'd be hard regardless of the number of kids you have. Just know it WILL get so much better and one day you'll look back on all this and be so proud of yourself for just putting one foot in front of the other for as long as you needed to get through! Be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job. You didn't mess up whatsoever with your child related decisions.

OP I just realised you are still with the DH,it sounds like he and your m don't deserve to be in your life, tbh, they are really harming your mental health. They're the problem, not whether you had another child.

Thanks everyone and Polka.
It's the guilt I feel to my child though about the lack of sibling/bigger family that's destroying me. I wish I could have been stronger in life.

Thanks for the replies. It helps so much. Yesterday was horrendous and I didn't know where to turn. Life can be so hard.

Your child doesn't know any different though. She doesn't miss what she never had. Don't make it an issue where there isn't one. You are allowed to grieve for the family you wish you had and hoped you would have had. But just don't let that grief spoil your relationship with your DD. Your grief is for you only. DD has her own feelings and perspectives, don't make the mistake of merging yours into her emotional life.

Thanks Merry. Everyone around us has medium or big sized families with functional extended relatives. Not saying it's all plain sailing but they manage to tick along and not get arrested or try to beat each other up etc. It's hard to see that if I'm honest and hard that my daughter was deprived of that.

Thanks for letting me talk.

OP I get what you’re saying. What you’ve gone through sounds extremely extremely hard and no wonder you wish things could have been different in some sense.

However! Please realise that what you’ve achieved in difficult circumstances is worth every bit as much as what others have managed in easier ones.

Also, there is no prize for having a big family. It’s not inherently better. As an only child like your daughter, I’ve loved it. My dad came from a large and extremely dysfunctional family involving things like arrests and violence and alcoholism which you mention. He still carries the scars of that, but he has done well with me. He’s now a fantastic grandad. I don’t see any failure there.

Secondly, as I’m sure you know, other people’s lives aren’t always what they seem, often in ways you couldn’t even imagine.

I think you may feel you are lesser than others. You seem to be taking other people’s mistakes and thinking they all reflect on you. They don’t. Know that you are not lesser than anyone. Even if you don’t believe it yet, remind yourself to try and believe it because it’s true.

It really sounds to me like you need some proper support with the trauma you’ve experienced, some of which is likely ongoing. Hopefully you will get to a place where you have a bit more compassion for yourself and where your outer circumstances are easier to cope with. You deserve it. I think speaking to your GP about the mental health side of things could be a great start.

Life is hard, no denying it, but you deserve more credit than you’re giving yourself.

Thank you ATieLike for taking the time to reply to me. Your words have given me lots to think about. It really means a lot. Felt so alone yesterday. Awful!

I'm going to access some counselling. Fingers crossed it helps, it can be hit and miss sometimes.

Your dad sounds lovely.