Tell me your best jokes!!

[starshinee]

Lets hear your most funny/cheesy jokes

[AliceAforethought]

Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon”

Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda.

A guy asks his neighbour in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbour.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbour smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

[SapphireSeptember]

Why are bagels named after the bay?

Because if they were named after the sea they'd be sea-gels!

[Tiredmumno1]

I looked out my window the other day and saw a German Shepherd doing a shit in my garden...............................................so was his dog

[AliceAforethought]

A cannibal came home late and drunk to a family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

Knock knock?

[starshinee]

Whos there?

[7Worfs]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side

[7Worfs]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One is assaulted.

[7Worfs]

Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other: “OK, you man the gun, I’ll drive”

[7Worfs]

The Higgs boson walks into a church.
The priest says: “Thank God you’re here! We can’t have mass without you!”

[SianyBabe1]

A farmer asked me the other day if I'd help him round up 18 sheep. Sure I said, 20

Last night I dreamt I'd written Lord of the Rings. My friend said I'd ben Tolkien in my sleep.

I like a good joke - feel absolutely crap at the moment with suspected Whooping Cough, so these brought a smile to my face. Sian x

[PrincessHoneysuckle]

@starshinee the man to fix your doorbell

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

I just put a bay leaf into my curry and it instantly tried to repossess all the lentils.

I used to work as a ride attendant on waltzers and I was sacked for spinning people around too fast. I sued my employers for funfair dismissal.

My husband keeps getting mad at me because of the fact that I have no sense of direction. Enough was enough, so I just packed up my stuff and right.

A woman I know was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?" She replied, "No, first a Gibson and THEN a Fender.”

A warning to whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I WILL track you down and I will make you very sorry for what you did. You have my Word.

I have a very irritating friend who is constantly telling me to cheer up. "Come on, things could be so much worse," he always says - "After all, you could be trapped deep underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.

I've been looking for a new hobby and so I recently decided to take up fencing. Unfortunately, the neighbours have told me they're going to call the police unless I put it straight back.

A gangster gave his girlfriend a mink stole for her birthday. "Wow, is it really mink?" she asked. He replied "Well, it's definitely stole...."

I was asked yesterday if I could clear the table after we'd finished dinner. I had to take a very long run-up, but I made it!

Apparently, there's one nightmare neighbour on every street who everybody else really can't stand - but I like ALL of my neighbours, so they must have got that one wrong....

A young lad and his new girlfriend are walking through town and they pass a clothes shop. She says "Ooh, I love that scarf in the window!" He tells her to keep on walking and then catches up with her soon, handing her the scarf. They pass a perfume shop and she says "Ooh, I love that Chanel scent in the window!" He tells her to keep on walking and then catches up with her soon, handing her the perfume. They pass a jeweller's shop and she says "Ooh, I love that diamond necklace in the window!" He tells her to keep on walking and then catches up with her soon, handing her the necklace. They pass the Mulberry shop and she says "Ooh, I love that handbag in the window! Crestfallen, he says, "Look, Sharon, you know I love you very much - but I'm not made of bricks!"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
HOW VERY VERY DARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!

They say that animals can teach us a great deal, but my driving instructor was a giraffe and I failed 19 times.

[DennisSkinnersMolotov]

Why do squirrels swim on their back?

To keep their nuts dry

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Three people - two men and a woman - are applying for a job in the SAS. They are told "We are the elite and your loyalties must be to us alone. Whatever we tell you to do, you do it without question and without failing."

They all nod and the interviewer tells them "You must go into this windowless room, where you will find your spouse sitting in the centre, tied to a chair. You will also find a pistol. To demonstrate your absolute devotion to the SAS, you must shoot your spouse through the heart and kill them."

This horrifies them, but one of the men goes into the room and the door closes. The others hear silence for a few minutes, followed by sobbing. The door opens and the man and his wife emerge, arm in arm, and he says "I'm not cut out for this - I withdraw my application."

The second man goes in and, again, there's a period of silence and some whimpering. Soon, he opens the door and he and his wife walk out together, and he says "I no longer wish to continue with my application - goodbye."

The woman goes in and they instantly hear a loud steely click. Then a second, and a third and then three more. After that, they hear a loud angry roar and loud weeping. Then, the sounds of ropes being untied before a series of crashing sounds and then silence. She opens the door and throws the pistol at the interviewer with a look of disgust on her face and says "This thing is useless - it was just filled with blanks. Call yourselves the elite! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[PegHughes]

Guy walks into a pub with a newt on his shoulder. Landlord says: "What do you call your newt?" Guy replies: "Tiny". "Oh right," says the landlord. "Why did you call him Tiny?" "Well, he's my newt..."

[thelikelylass]

Barman: "I've just thrown the guy who plays that Bond villain out of my pub!"
Me: "Javier Bardem?"
Barman: "No, he can come back tomorrow when he sobers up."

[amusedbush]

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "you man the guns, I'll drive!"

[amusedbush]

@7Worfs

Argh, I missed your post! That's my favourite joke ever

[amusedbush]

Okay, another:

A man goes into a bakery and he looks into the glass case. Everything is 50p apart from one item, which is £1. He asks the woman behind the counter, "why is that one £1?" and she replies, "that's madeira cake".

[Mamabear144]

What's the similarity between a a traffic jam and a laxative?

They both irritate the crap out of you.

[LochJessMonster]

Why do elephants have Big Ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom..

[Spidey66]

A mummy potato has three daughters. One day she says to them ''Now I want you to marry and marry well. Go and find husbands. ''
The next day the first one comes home and says ''Mum@ I've found a husband....and he's a Jersey Royal!'
Mum's delighted, claps her hands and says 'Royalty! Wonderful!'
Following day, second daughter comes home and says 'Mum, I've found a husband....and he's a King Edward'. Mum's delighted again. 'More royalty....this is great, well done girls.'
Next day, youngest comes home and says ''Mum, I'm getting married....to Gary Lineker!' 'Gary Lineker! Gary LINEKER! You can't marry him...he's a commentator!''

(Needs to be said out loud...)

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

I just bought a rubbish thesaurus. Not only is it rubbish, it's also rubbish.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon - will let you know....

Studies have revealed that it's very easy to get ladies not to drink Persil, Bold or Daz - but it's much more difficult to deter gents.

If you're going to shoplift a mobile phone, don't go for a Samsung, as that's considered full-blown theft and the punishment will be severe; but if you nick an Apple, that technically only counts as scrumping, so you'll just get a slap on the wrist.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Two sausages in a frying pan.

One says "Pheeeewwww, it's hot in here, isn't it?!"

The other screams "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! It's a talking sausage!!!!!!!!!"