SAHM - to be or not to be!

[nappyrat]

I am faced with a dilemma...should I become a SAHM to my 10 mo, or go back 2.5 days a week.

Don't really need the money, so it's not financially driven, but the job would be stressful, with much more than just the 2.5 days, and my LO is not ready for nursery (just yet). But I'm worried I might be bored as a SAHM (although I really hope not, as I think it's such an amazing thing to do), and might be lonely, lose my confidence, never earn this much again etc.

I am so torn. I change my view on an hourly basis. :(

Any SAHMs out there, please tell me whether it was the right decision for you, and why!

Thankyou x

[JessicaMary]

Can be hard to get back into work in a few years so I'd advise taking the 2.5 days a week job and seeing how that goes (I have always worked full time and it was best for us - another divorced one here - things don't always go to plan and it's useful to have the back up of another income just in case).

[GuinevereOfTheRoyalCourt]

Just to balance things out a bit here, I thought I'd share my own experiences.

First I tried working full-time which was bleak as life was just one long and painful slog. (Both myself and dh had a long commute and weekends were just spent trying to get on top of household stuff.) I then went part-time, which made day-to-day life more manageable but was disastrous career-wise and consequently left me incredibly stressed and anxious.

So I packed it in and had five glorious years of being a SAHM. I thoroughly enjoyed it and now have a lovely network of local friends.

With all the kids in full-time school, it was time to return to work and I had a whole 6 weeks panicking that I'd never get employed again. Then a dream (flexible) job landed on my lap and I am absolutely loving every minute of it. It's still early days, and I have to pinch myself that it's real and I'm not going to find myself unemployed tomorrow, but if it all works out long-term then God I am so glad I took that career-break.

I'm as fresh and enthusiastic as a new graduate, but with the benefit of experience behind me. I know I'd have been stale and cynical as hell if I'd stuck out working part-time just for fear of never being employed again.

[CPtart]

I went back for 3 days, didn't need to financially either but did so to keep my pension, confidence, skills and sanity. The problem of juggling work with school hours however is a long term problem, unless you are lucky enough to have term hours/be self employed. It is perfectly doable though, and I think my DC have benefitted from time away from me as well as vice versa.

[Soveryupset]

Then a dream (flexible) job landed on my lap and I am absolutely loving every minute of it

This is great, but you must admit that in the current climate something like this is extremely unlikely to happen for the overwhelming majority of the population, so I wouldn't make plans based on this sort of hope.

[GuinevereOfTheRoyalCourt]

"This is great, but you must admit that in the current climate something like this is extremely unlikely to happen for the overwhelming majority of the population, so I wouldn't make plans based on this sort of hope"

Well, no, obviously. I didn't make any plans based on this sort of hope, I just lived for the here and now. But it still happened. And in the current climate too.

And do you know something? As a school-gate mum, you'd be surprised how many of us have had the same sort of 'lucky break'. I remember many, many moons ago when I first stopped working, a fellow mum said 'oh, something will come up when you're ready, it always does'. I didn't dare believe her, but she was right. She was just coming off a break at the time (and is now very successful, incidentally).

Former SAHMs are great hires. I'm utterly fed up of the perpetuating myth that they're unemployable.

[Soveryupset]

I think it is fair to say that some professions are tough and even one year out means out for good.

Whem dd1 was born I left to be a sahm and 2 years later I applied for around 50 jobs in my profession over the course of 6 months and did not even get a single reply. I was extremely lucky to finally get a position through a contact but even then my two years off nearly cost me that job.

All the mums I know in my profession who left have gone to be teaching assistants, retrained one as a photographer, one as an interior designer, so maybe it depends on the sector and also on age a little bit?

[GuinevereOfTheRoyalCourt]

But did these mums who went on to become teaching assistants, photographers and interior designers, actually want to go back to their old profession?

I wanted to, and I have, and that's despite it not being in a sector which is seen as being particularly easy to return to. I did keep my skills up, mind, as I always had my eye on returning at some point. So it wasn't just down to blind luck.

The trouble is, there's no perfect answer. Everyone, every family and every job is different. It's a really tough decision, whichever one you choose.

Part-time work is often seen as some panacea for mums, but the reality can be very different - especially if it's quite a stressful and high-powered job.

Going back to the op's situation, a 2 1/2 day job could be a nightmare if she's having to do a lot of additional hours. I can totally understand her reticence - she's clearly talking about a job that she isn't going to be able to park at the end of a 9-5 day. In this situation, she will have to either pay for additional childcare to get these unpaid for hours done, or she will have to try to fit it all in around her child. That'll work fine if the baby is chilled and/or sleeps lots, but could be exhausting otherwise.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

I had a lucky break with my current job, but had only been out of work for just over a year (redundancy and decided to take a year as a SAHM when DD was 3.5). I'm pretty sure that if I had been out of my profession for longer I would not have been offered it or able to do it successfully. It's 4.5 years since I left that job now and a great deal of what I knew then has become hazy and vague (same profession, different field). I was also shocked at how much my "working ethos" switched off in that one year, I found it really hard to get myself back into work mode, which really shocked me as I didn't have that problem after my maternity leaves.

I do know others that have had lucky breaks with flexible, part time professional jobs, but mainly they are the ones who have kept working to some degree and then found another job, rather than the ones who have been at home for several years. The lucky breaks tend to come from networking rather than replying to job ads.

[JessicaMary]

It very much depends on the job. If you have to keep clients close to your bosom almost every week to keep your job and reputation and the information you need to learn changes every week to keep on top of your field taking years out can mean you will never get promotion ever (not always but often). In other jobs where those things don't matter at all then it's not such a problem.

[unlucky83]

Keep your foot in the door!
I would keep the job going ...WOH PT seems like the ideal for me (but never experienced it!)
I have been WOH FT and then became a SAHM ...and they can both be tough. Advantages and disadvantages...
I am not seriously looking to return to work but if anything interesting came up I would apply...but I am pretty sure I would now find it impossible to go back to the job I did before (and loved)...
I did see one job a year or so ago and thought wow - that job description could have been written for me (except it was a lower position - which as a rusty returner probably be the best thing).
My weakness would be I may be a little out of date on the latest kits etc (nothing really you can't get up to speed on quickly though) - my knowledge and understanding of the processes involved (which are still the same!) is unquestionable and proven.
It was 2 yr contract - perfect - advantage for me I got back up to speed and my foot in the door - and for them they got someone with a sound knowledge of what they were trying to do - who could do the easy stuff in their sleep and if it turned out to be hard would be in a good position to get that to work too...
I didn't even get an interview...although I have been told by others in a similar position that they would just look at my cv and think over qualified...(and too old? - late 40s now)
I would not step out of the work place again - at least for not more than 1 yr...

[JRsandCoffee]

I always thought i would want to be a SAHM and dithered when mine was about the age that yours is. However, I've gone back about the same amount of time as you are and have not regretted it. I think much depends on how the LO settles at nursery and stress levels associated with your work and how much you enjoy it. However, despite what has felt like one bug after another I think mine has benefited from the experience and really seems to love nursery and I feel more like myself generally even though my job is not the most exciting in the world. Financial autonomy, the need to keep my foot on the employment ladder, adult company and the need to provide my only child with the company of other children in a lovely environment (which her nursery is) were all deciding factors. I think two and a half days is a lovely balance so maybe give it a go, you can always leave if it doesn't work out but I'd give yourself a few months to let things settle ahead of making a decision.

[Charliec2014]

I'm in a bit of a similar situation. Have just gone back to work in my old job for 3 days a week, with one of those days working from home. But the two days in the office are an hour and a half commute away each way, and I worry that if children are ill etc I am a long way away. Plus my heart is not really in my job anymore. But I keep thinking - I will never find anything as flexible for the same pay. I think in the end though it's important to follow what you know to be right, and it's easier to do that if you've given being back at work a go.

[MrsCripps]

I would go back for 6 months and see how it pans out.

Its very hard to find flexible working so best to hang on for now.

I know lots of former professionals who are now TA, shop workers or run their own small businesses - very few go back to their former careers and its not what they envisaged.
Also if you plan on having future DCs then you will benefit from Mat leave.

I had 3 DC fairly close together -by the time DC1 was 5 I had been at home for 3 years( paid) !!

[jellybeans]

I've been a SAHM for 15 years (5 children). Was f/t WOHM with DD1 for 2 years using f/t childcare. I love SAH although there was an initial adjustment period, and there are downsides. But overall I hve loved every minute and the freedom to just consider DC's needs without worrying about work/childcare etc. Also it is lovely always being able to make school events and pick them up. To me, that is better than any career.

[MrsCripps]

Luckily for me jelly I had the freedom to consider my DC needs and my career as my DH and I shared 50/50.


It isn't always one or the other.
Ive just seen that this thread is a couple of months old so I would be interested to hear what the OP did.

[scottishmummy]

Your kid will be in school in @4ys and then there will be no need to be home
Keep your hand in,do work pt,its not only money,its participation,being active
If you step out of work it may be hard to return.also do you want To be dependent on partner?if so why