Verbal abuse from men in public.

[carernotasaint]

Im dreading summer. I hate it. Im currently trying to lose weight but i sometimes get comments like this in the street and it makes me so angry.
Its just another way that some men need to feel superior to women.






www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2104888/Mother-sheds-stone-time-wedding-strangers-insult-nightclub.html

[JerichoStarQuilt]

Oh, love.

I know what you mean - it is just a really petty way some blokes get their kicks.

'I can get thin but you'll always be a cock' is immature, but quite satisfying IMO. I know it undermines the point that you've perfect right to be happy whatever size or shape you are, but I admit I don't know a better one.

[sonicrainboom]

Ick, Daily Mail.

It doesn't matter if you are fat or slim, these type of men will shout crap after you in order to feel superior anyway. :( They will just yell something different. Some time ago I had bunch of young lads yell "WHORE" at me when I was walking outside in unsexy winter gear. I wish we were able to walk around in a public place in broad daylight without being verbally abused by our fellow male citizens.

[YankNCock]

I really really hate the tone of that article, especially the girl saying she ought to thank the man in question! So it's ok now to verbally abuse complete strangers, because it might 'help' them?

[sonicrainboom]

Yes, I'm also getting a "look how helpful verbal abuse from strangers is" message from that article. Like women don't understand that they're overweight and need to be publically shamed?!
Shame on Dm for publishing that piece.

[JerichoStarQuilt]

Yes, it's definitely that message. Depressing since the woman in the article sounds as if what she was doing was actually healthy (physically, not nec. emotionally ), unlike most of the stupid unhealthy crash diets people recommend and it's still blurred into the same boring 'fat woman becomes thin woman ' dialogue.

[stargirl1701]

How common is this? I have never had it happen to me?

[Spiritedwolf]

I think it's disgusting that it seems to be socially acceptable to call someone out as fat on the basis that it's unhealthy and they clearly haven't noticed what size their body is or how unacceptable society finds their body shape.

It doesn't even work (if one's goal is to shame people into losing weight). I was labelled as fat when I was a child and teenager. I was probably a bit larger than average, maybe a stone or two overweight. Being ashamed of my body didn't help me to lose weight, in fact it led to negative emotions which helped me become 12 stone overweight.

I only lost some of that weight when I found an internal source of motivation. I realised that my health was possibly making it difficult for me to concieve, and that part of getting healthy (for me personally) was to lose weight. I got pregnant when I lost about half my target. :) I had known that I wanted to lose weight for ages, but I needed to be in a good frame of mind to set a goal and make progress towards it. Shaming me didn't produce that right mindset.

I find it difficult to talk about this. Because I personally found my weight was an indicator of how healthy and happy I was, I have to be careful not to extrapolate that to all people. Just because someone is large, it doesn't mean that they are unhealthy or unhappy. It certainly isn't my place (or that of some rude bloke in a bar) to tell someone that they ought to be unhappy or feel unhealthy. They know their bodies and are the best judge of that.

Excuses for verbal abuse I have heard, often relate to how unhealthy obesity is and how much fat people cost the NHS. This is rubbish. We don't go around verbally abusing people who smoke or drink even though these activities can be unhealthy. We don't verbally abuse those who do extreme sports and have accidents because they cost the NHS.

It isn't acceptable to abuse people or judge them based on their size. People in the street don't know whether I'm putting on weight, or whether I've made huge progress in losing it. I still look big to them (and now big and pregnant!). Whether I'm big and happy, or eager to lose weight, I should still be treated with respect for who I am at the moment.

I once saw a discussion about why gyms shouldn't provide large towels for larger customers because it would somehow normalise large people and the people should lose weight to fit the towels. Utter rubbish! Maybe they would use the gym more, and lose more weight if they were made to feel comfortable by having towels which they could wrap all the way around themselves.

Shame doesn't even work on the big scale of things. Our society idolises thin bodies in the media, but we are still meant to be in an obesity epidemic. If shame worked, we'd all be fitting into size 10s (or smaller).

For every women who heard a comment like that and used it as motivation to change, there are a whole bunch of others sitting at home reminded of why they don't want to go out in public to be judged by the critical (often male) gaze.

[Trickle]

Some men are shits - the only reaason men I've never met before don't randomly grab my bum anymore is because I'm sat on it in a wheelchair! You can't let some sleasy arsehole dictate how you feel, it really says a whole lot more about them than it does about you.

So what if you are overweight, it's your buisness and your body, speaking as someone who has had an ED work on yuor relationship with food rather than the food you are eating and everything else will come from there, good luck x

[Latara]

I used to get lots of either critical or sleazy comments from men when i was under 26, very slim & had long blonde hair. From both male strangers & 'friends'. Comments like 'fat bottom', 'cheer up love', & much worse that i won't type here.
Now i'm 35, hair was falling out (but now regrowing & dyed auburn) & obese due to meds & illness (which i mentioned in the 'going grey' thread). I'm slowly losing weight but for me as i really want to feel physically more healthy & fit. I have 3 stone left to lose until i reach a BMI of 24. I mainly wear make up & smart clothes except when i'm not well.
The bizarre thing is that i just never get critical or sleazy comments now. Even when i was 14 stone & had to wear a scarf - i wasn't 'invisible' to men. They would be pleasant or polite, & even flirt with me. Now i do look less ill, & i get the flirty behaviour even more but not in a sleazy way.
I never got strange men insulting my weight.
The MAIN difference is that in 10 years my confidence has increased, probably due to my job - i'm now far more outgoing & friendly, & assertive.
I was very shy & insecure so it seems that men sensed that & bullied me.
Now i'm confident & i wonder if men pick up on that - & are nervous about insulting me because they realise they'll get insulted back.
Verbal Abuse is inexcusable though & i do challenge it quite successfully when i hear it directed @ others.

[Latara]

@ carer - i really hope u don't get verbal abuse this summer - it may help to know that a lot of men are quite insecre themselves.

[Latara]

I didn't mean that verbal abuse is caused by men's insecurity. Just that quite a lot of men are insecure.
Nor that being confident stops insults - but just that for me personally i don't get verbal abuse from men anymore & yet i'm fatter than before.
I do think men (& other women) who dish out verbal abuse are bullies, & bullies tend to pick on you if they think you are less likely to hit back. There are people around who will insult anyone though; i've just been lucky to not meet anyone like that lately.

[carernotasaint]

Thanks for your lovely supportive posts everyone.
Sorry i didnt reply earlier. Ive been campaigning against workfare on other threads and other websites.
I was just so angry when i saw the article ive linked above. They are almost giving the man who made the insult the credit for her losing the weight,when its the lady herself whos put the effort and the hard work in.
Unfortunately i think this summer is going to be worse because we have two big sporting events,the Olympics and Euro 2012. Domestic abuse often peaks when theres a big sporting event on and i think harassment in the street will too.

[solidgoldbrass]

I must admit I used to shout back. 'Fuck off, needledick!' was a favourite. However, best used when the men are up a ladder or some such and can't actually get up in your face ie there's time to run away if they really take exception to you standing up for yourself.

A good trick I have heard of but never used, though, is to stop in your tracks and say 'Pardon? Didn't quite get that..' and keep on asking them to repeat it. This makes them feel - and look fucking stupid.

[flippinada]

Yeah I saw that article headlined and had much the same thought as you carernotasaint. As if this man should somehow be congratulated for his verbal abuse, it's revolting.

Bottom line is, there are men out there who feel entitled to comment on and judge a woman's appearance etc. Your actual appearance and so on has nothing to do with it.

[SayBoo]

I have had a few comments about my weight over the years - for being skinny in my teens, and for being 'fat' when carrying baby weight after my first child was born. Charming.

I constantly, constantly get 'cheer up love' comments, which make me want to shove my fist in their face and say 'Ahhh, I feel MUCH better now'

I have also had plenty of rude comments about my breasts and bum in bars, pubs etc. it seems some men get brave - or lewd? - when they're pissed. Creeps.

[sportsfanatic]

I was standing at the bar in my local a few years back, deep in thought, and got a "cheer up love" from a well-known misogynist 'lad'. I leaned over, picked his pint up and poured it over his head. Said "I feel much more cheerful now, thanks"

[carernotasaint]

sports i wish id been there to see it.

[sonicrainboom]

How did he react, sportsfanatic?
Everytime I have answered back their aggressive behaviour have escalated most unpleasantly :(

[GoldenGreen]

I have never responded when it's happened to me. Once I was unable to get away quickly (I was walking, man was in a van passing by in slow moving traffic) and my lack of response absolutely enraged him - like I was so very lucky he had chosen to comment on my body. Truly unbelievable. Where the hell do they get the messages from that this is ok?

[sportsfanatic]

He just sat there opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Shock I guess. Everyone around burst out laughing and one of his fellow lads (to his credit) said "you asked for that mate". He just lumbered off to the gents to clean himself up. Always gave me a wide berth after that, which suited me just fine but I gather he was the butt of a lot of "fancy a beer, where would you like it" jokes for quite a while.

I've never been one take any crap from blokes like that - I've always made it a point to challenge that sort of behaviour. They're just idiots. Mostly it's done not to embarrass the women but to show off to their mates. I consider it my solemn duty to make their little jokes backfire

[vezzie]

I used to have a lot more insulting comments about my physical appearance when I was much prettier (younger, slimmer). Now I don't look like much men don't bother to insult my looks. It is a ridiculous paradox. My elder daughter is not yet 3 and I am worried about her going around in the world (being a girl, and gorgeous) already :(

[Nyac]

Men who do this to women are scum. I've had my fair share of it in my time.

In intimate relationships verbal abuse is a precursor to physical abuse. It's about control and power, not male insecurity.

That Daily Mail story has another one below about a man who threw a woman onto the line at a London Underground station. It's incredible the way some men feel entitled to behave:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2105899/The-moment-crazed-commuter-shoves-23-year-old-woman-Tube-tracks.html?ICO=most_read_module