Disagreement about our wedding

[pinkroses5]

Hello mumsnetters, I'm new to this and looking for some advice. DP and I are engaged and expecting a baby later this year. We decided to postpone wedding until next year as I've been feeling ropey with this pregnancy. Anyway, lately we have been having some disagreement over who should pay for the wedding - DP thinks my dad should as it's tradition and his family paid for his sister's wedding.

A bit of background: my dad has done ok for himself and paid for a huge chunk of my first property for me 7 years ago, which was a huge amount, to help me on the property ladder. My dad doesn't believe in extravagent weddings and doesn't want to give us say 5-10k for one day. I actually agree with him but DP thinks it's my dad's 'duty' to pay. We are both in our 30s and have had good careers, have a lovely house and a very small mortgage (partly thanks to my dad!) so I think it's out of order to ask, or expect, my dad to cough up anything.

Personally I would be happy with a church wedding and church hall / pub reception, costing 2k, but I think DP feels a bit of pressure to have the wedding his friends had in their 20s.

Would be interested to hear your views.

Thanks xx

[pinkroses5]

To add salt into the wounds, my dad is nearly 70...he helped me out at the time at the expense of moving to a bigger house himself... so was totally selfless. They also look after my younger brother full time as he is autistic and still lives at home.

PS: I realise I have made him sound awful, I need to add than other than the odd disagreement we do usually agree on most stuff and get along really, really well!!

[CaptainHindsight]

Your Dad sounds fabulous Pink - don't let your DP take advantage of his generous nature.

[FuckingFuck]

You need to have a proper chat with your DP about why he has had this change of heart. If it is solely as you think, he feels obligated and pressured to have the big day others expect of him then it's the wrong road to go down and it will not make either of you happy in the long run!!

Regardless of why he wants a big do though it definitely shouldn't be down to your poor dad to fit the bill so try to get him clear on that ASAP!

[Patchouli]

You're dad has helped you be in a position where you can pay for the wedding you want by getting you onto the property ladder.
You just can't ask him for more.

It's funny when people like your DP pick and choose which traditions they want, like Enrique says.
Anyway, depending which traditions he decides it suits him best to follow, it's traditional for the groom to pay for...
The cars
The rings
The brides flowers
The honeymoon
The marriage license
Depending where you look and which era you're looking at.

[pinkroses5]

This is the thing - I did point out that we've hardly done things 'traditionally' in any other way.

I am really grateful for all your messages by the way, this whole thing is very tiring for me and really helps to know that I am right to put my foot down on this...

[eurochick]

I agree with I think everyone(?) else. You two should pay for your own wedding, and have the type of wedding YOU want, not what you think is expected.

Does he have any other odd traditional views about e.g. names (if you were to keep yours) or WOHM?

[pinkroses5]

He's pretty chilled in every other way Eurochick - this is what amazes me about him. In most respects he's laid back... just when he gets a bee in his bonnet or an idea in his head hehe.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

'Expected' of him?

Hmm, watch that one.

Will it be 'expected' of you both to - live near your parents and his, let them have a say in how you bring up your children, go to his parents for Xmas every year, etc.?

The only person your partner should be looking to for 'expectations' of your own wedding is YOU.

Because you are two adults and it's your wedding.

Is he generally still tied to the apron strings?

Oh, and yes - it's greedy and rude and shows him in a terrible light to your parents. Not great, really.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Also, this wouldn't be a bad time to set down a new tradition of your own that might stand you in good stead for the rest of your marriage...

DP: 'you need to ask your dad to pay, blah blah...'

You: (smile) - 'No.'

[enriquethewelshgoldringbearing]

I suppose it now sounds as though we're all slagging off your fiance OP, and obviously you love him and want to marry him.
Sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't care what friends were doing 5-10 years ago and you don't care what his sister had. Your wedding is for you two and it will be what you two agree on.
Be creative and decide what you would enjoy with your little one.

I think it's great that there's so much flexibility for weddings now and that you can have just what suits. Formality and big scale doesn't necessarily equal enjoyment.

Oh and in addition to all our lists about tradition, how things traditionally happened and who paid for what, I guess you could add that the groom 'traditionally' provided the home for his little woman
Seriously, have that talk and start making nice plans that you can look forward to.

[pinkroses5]

BrunoBrookes -
Enriquethewelsh - I think you are right. Quite honestly, I'm surprised at his change of heart. He keeps saying it's my dad's daughter's 'big day'. I'm sure he'll see the sense... if not now, when the baby arrives and our situation / priorities shift somewhat to this little being!

[BillyBanter]

Traditionally that is what happens so it's not surprising that he's under that impression. The bit of the tradition that your DP seems to be unaware of is that parents who pay for their daughter's wedding are the ones who decide how much they spend on their daughter's wedding. He also may be unaware of how much control of the wedding parents sometimes 'buy' with this tradition.

Is your dad interested/willing to donate money to pay for a wedding at all?


When my Dsis got married dad said 'here is your £xk for your wedding. Anything it costs above that it's up to you to come up with' which seems fair enough.

So you can say, yes dad is perfectly prepared to pay for the wedding, as is traditional. He is transferring the £500 to my account tomorrow and will come over on Saturday to discuss his preferred venue, and what suit you are to wear.

[pinkroses5]

I think my dad will pay some 1000 as a 'gift' but after the wedding basically. I reckon his reasoning is that by giving it to us afterwards we will have a more modest wedding that WE can actually afford. Though knowing my dad's generous nature, I wouldn't be surprised once his grandchild comes along if he doesn't write us a cheque for the whole amount anyway.

[TheArticFunky]

I think people should pay for their own weddings. Back in the old days when people married as teenagers it may have been a different matter.

Coincidentally we married the same year as dh's sisters. His sisters had the bill paid for by my inlaws but because dh is a male they didn't contribute towards our wedding so we paid for it ourselves. I actually found it embarrassing we went along to a lot of appointments together and it was quite awkward at times.

[pinkroses5]

My DP is expecting 5 - 10k from my dad from the wedding though, not 500!

[BillyBanter]

My dad have my brother the exact same amount when he married.

[BillyBanter]

Then he doesn't fully understand the tradition. You need to put him right as per my previous post.

[BillyBanter]

The person who pays for the wedding decides how much.

Logically you can pay for your own out of the mortgage savings that your dad provided by giving you money then.

[pinkroses5]

Billy - I know, we can pay for it... although DP thinks we'll be stretched when the baby arrives and I'm on mat leave... but that isn't really the case. We don't have money worries. I think this really is just a case of 'tradition' for DP, God knows why.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

I have four kids and a bit of spare cash. They will get money for University, and something to help them on to the property ladder when we downsize.
No way will they get anything for a wedding.

Mind you , my view could be clouded by the fact that DP and I have managed perfectly well without one for 22 years

[TheArticFunky]

Your dp is living in the dark ages. You need to put him straight. Most traditions have died out now. It used to be tradition that couples didn't live together before marriage your dp has chosen to ignore that tradition.

You are in an extremely fortunate position in that you have received financial support from your parents (I know that you are aware of that) you need to remind your dp that most people don't get any help at all.

[LastOneDancing]

Nothing new to say here - in this day and age a couple should pay for their own wedding.

Your DF is also being a cock for not recognising that the 'wedding pot' has probably been exhausted on your house deposit. That's pretty grabby thinking from him OP, not very attractive.

We were extremely lucky that once we'd announced our engagement my DPs gave us a lump sum they had saved specifically. We also had some specific gifts from PIL (suit hire and flowers).

But we did not expect it and certainly did not ask for it and everything else we paid for with our savings.

No doubt we will pay it forward and try and save for our children's weddings.... if marriage is still around by then

[BillyBanter]

But as I've said he is failing to fully understand the tradition. You need to explain the rest of the tradition to him.

When my mum got married she was working 6 days a week in a shop and her mum and dad paid for and her mum arranged practically everything about the wedding, partly because she was around during the day to make arrangements. She decided how much was spent and what on.

If he wants your dad to pay then it is your dad who decides how much that is and he can have a big say in what happens on the day. That can cause a lot of arguments.