Disagreement about our wedding

[pinkroses5]

Hello mumsnetters, I'm new to this and looking for some advice. DP and I are engaged and expecting a baby later this year. We decided to postpone wedding until next year as I've been feeling ropey with this pregnancy. Anyway, lately we have been having some disagreement over who should pay for the wedding - DP thinks my dad should as it's tradition and his family paid for his sister's wedding.

A bit of background: my dad has done ok for himself and paid for a huge chunk of my first property for me 7 years ago, which was a huge amount, to help me on the property ladder. My dad doesn't believe in extravagent weddings and doesn't want to give us say 5-10k for one day. I actually agree with him but DP thinks it's my dad's 'duty' to pay. We are both in our 30s and have had good careers, have a lovely house and a very small mortgage (partly thanks to my dad!) so I think it's out of order to ask, or expect, my dad to cough up anything.

Personally I would be happy with a church wedding and church hall / pub reception, costing 2k, but I think DP feels a bit of pressure to have the wedding his friends had in their 20s.

Would be interested to hear your views.

Thanks xx

[oscarwilde]

He says we've got a lot on our plate with a baby on the way
Then perhaps point out that since the baby is coming, you'll both just have to wait and save up for the wedding of his dreams. Or remortgage and take out some equity from your home which would be a bonkers thing to do but given your Dad gave you the cash for the house anways

I don't want to slag off your DH but I would be seriously bollocking him over this by now. It's an appalling attitude. Is he going to be this grabby when your Dad is old and infirm about inheritances etc?
If you have two/three daughters (lets call it two), is he expecting to start a savings fund for uni fees [9kpa x 3 yrs]; house deposits [150k] and their "big day"[20k]. You two would be looking at saving almost 400k after tax and excluding the actual costs of raising them....... here's a grip for him from me.
Did his sister get a wedding paid for and 150k towards a house? Have they been treated equally?

[SameAsYou]

A 150k loan?

[msmorgan]

I'm in a very similar position. Dp & I are in our 30s, have lived together for years and have 2 kids. My dad gave me a substantial amount towards my first house and and has been very generous with both myself and my brother over the years.

When we decided to get married my dp half jokingly asked if my dad would pay as that is tradition, I said he definitely would not as I know he feels expensive weddings are a waste of money. Dps parents have not offered anything towards it either.

We booked our wedding based on what we can afford to spend ourselves. Once everything was booked and paid for I was shocked when my dad gave me a cheque for almost the total cost. It was lovely of him and myself and dp are very grateful but we did not expect it.

You should plan the wedding yourself and your dp want and can afford to have. Any financial help then given by either set of parents is a bonus.

[FuckingFuck]

For contrast OP when my DP proposed we had a new baby, one income (as I was a student) and were in the middle of saving a 40% deposit for a house (needed massive deposit as DP self-employed). So somewhat stretched!!!

My DP wouldn't for a second have even thought my parents should contribute!!!!

[pinkroses5]

Blu - DP wanted me to sound out how much my dad was prepared to give. I've told him my dad is not prepared to do that (but he will give us a generous wedding gift later / nearer the time, I think about 1k) and he said we'd pay for it ourselves but was pretty annoyed about it. He says we've got a lot on our plate with a baby on the way. I told him a wedding doesn't have to cost the earth!

[Blu]

Look, your Dad is now in his 70s, so presumably no earned income still coming in. He has actually said he doesn't want to pay out a load of money to splash on a one day event - so that's the end of it.

What does your DP want you to do? If your Dad has said no, that's the end of it.

Remind him of the fact that your Dad sacrificed the possibility of a better house for himself and tell your DP he is being as selfish and ungracious as it is possible to be.

Remind him of his version of 'the best wedding he attended' and start planning a wedding that has the same factors and values. The add up the cost and magically (hopefully) it will be far more economical.

The other thing is - times are different now. Has he heard of austerity?

[enriquethewelshgoldringbearing]

The more you've said about your DP, Pink the more I feel like chasing him away with a broom.

He keeps saying it's my dad's daughter's 'big day'<
I'm sure your Dad is perfectly capable of knowing how he feels about your wedding without DP telling him. As we've already established, a father's big day for his daughter is when she leaves the family home and he traditionally 'gave her away' The Church service would traditionally ask 'Who gives this woman?' We're not talking about that kind of wedding now are we.

I really don't like the bit where DP is expecting £50-10,000 He needs his arse kicking over that. Bad boy.

[Blu]

Tell your DH to be that your Dad has been very modern in enabling his dd to buy her own home, and that the modern way is that couples wth a good standard of living, salaries and thier own home, paid for in a significant part by a modern Dad, do not go begging like kids for the cost of a wedding.

And that why does he (your DH to be) imagine that your Dad needs to pay to get you married?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your Dad (or indeed your Mum - where is she in all this, or is it only men in your DH to be's world??) didn't offer to help out.

Work out what you as a couple can afford as a 'do' and discuss your plans with both sets of parents - ask how many guests and family friends they would like to invite, etc, and see how it pans out.

But he does sound very very patriarchal in his assumptions.

Tell him that as you have decided the baby will have your surname you think it might be a good idea for him to change his surname to yours on marriage, and see what he says.

[expatinscotland]

You allowed your elderly father to take out a LOAN to buy you a house? For real? You two are as bad as each other.

[pinkroses5]

His sister was very young when she married yes... so I explained to DP that DP and I are in a very different situation, having met some 15 years later!

[pinkroses5]

Oscar - I did actually consider doing that... ! Although the sum my dad gave me to get on the property ladder is actually more like 10 times the 15k! Would be a bit harsh on DP! ;) Oh and dad didn't have that money lying around, he took out a loan for it because he wanted to do that for me.

[DesiderataDisciple]

If he wants traditions to be followed then he ought to be hiding from your Dad on the warpath with a shotgun in hand !

He who pays for the wedding calls all the shots and as previously mentioned your dh would be responsible for a whole load of costs "traditionally" too.

Explain to your DP that your Dad advanced you any wedding money as a house down payment instead as he wasn't certain your dp would ever make an honest woman of you.

Tradition my arse ! When you're in your 30's and established career home and family wise, it's up to you to fund a wedding yourself. Any donation from a parent is lovely but not to be expected/hinted at/asked for or griped about if not forthcoming.

Were your dh's sisters younger when they married ? Had they set up home with their dps' ? Are your inlaws to be better off than your DF ?

My cheeky brother asked me how much my parents had paid towards my wedding and then presented it as an expectation of fairness that they parents contribute the same to his wedding too. He totally threw tradition out of the window but he is a money grabbing individual anyway. I didn't ask for a penny, I made sure we could afford to pay it all ourselves but accepted any offers of contributions very gratefully.

[oscarwilde]

You could tell DP that your Dad is v happy to pay for the wedding. He'd like his 15k back that he gave you for the house first though

[expatinscotland]

I'd be embarrassed if I were in my 30s, with a good job and a home funded by Bank of Mum and Dad and a child, to have a wedding in ANY way funded by anyone but myself. Wow, how weasely and weak. Isn't it time he grew up and stopped taking handouts?

[BillyBanter]

Well said Momb!

Pink tell your dad to get the shotgun out!

[momb]

Traditionally the bride would leave her parents' home to be married. Her parents would invite their family and friends to their party to celbrate the marriage of their daughter. The party woudl be in the style chosen by the bride's family and at their expense. All future expense such as a home or the cost of children would be borne by the groom.
...unless of course the groom had behaved improperly towards the maiden, in which case the two young people would be taken to the loacl parson by the bride's father wielding a shotgun.
It sounds as if your DP was happy enough to do away with tradition when it came to accepting money for the house or moving into a home with their daughter before being married. He can hardly expect your parents to behave in a traditional manner now.

[BillyBanter]

But as I've said he is failing to fully understand the tradition. You need to explain the rest of the tradition to him.

When my mum got married she was working 6 days a week in a shop and her mum and dad paid for and her mum arranged practically everything about the wedding, partly because she was around during the day to make arrangements. She decided how much was spent and what on.

If he wants your dad to pay then it is your dad who decides how much that is and he can have a big say in what happens on the day. That can cause a lot of arguments.

[LastOneDancing]

Nothing new to say here - in this day and age a couple should pay for their own wedding.

Your DF is also being a cock for not recognising that the 'wedding pot' has probably been exhausted on your house deposit. That's pretty grabby thinking from him OP, not very attractive.

We were extremely lucky that once we'd announced our engagement my DPs gave us a lump sum they had saved specifically. We also had some specific gifts from PIL (suit hire and flowers).

But we did not expect it and certainly did not ask for it and everything else we paid for with our savings.

No doubt we will pay it forward and try and save for our children's weddings.... if marriage is still around by then

[TheArticFunky]

Your dp is living in the dark ages. You need to put him straight. Most traditions have died out now. It used to be tradition that couples didn't live together before marriage your dp has chosen to ignore that tradition.

You are in an extremely fortunate position in that you have received financial support from your parents (I know that you are aware of that) you need to remind your dp that most people don't get any help at all.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

I have four kids and a bit of spare cash. They will get money for University, and something to help them on to the property ladder when we downsize.
No way will they get anything for a wedding.

Mind you , my view could be clouded by the fact that DP and I have managed perfectly well without one for 22 years

[pinkroses5]

Billy - I know, we can pay for it... although DP thinks we'll be stretched when the baby arrives and I'm on mat leave... but that isn't really the case. We don't have money worries. I think this really is just a case of 'tradition' for DP, God knows why.

[BillyBanter]

The person who pays for the wedding decides how much.

Logically you can pay for your own out of the mortgage savings that your dad provided by giving you money then.

[BillyBanter]

Then he doesn't fully understand the tradition. You need to put him right as per my previous post.

[BillyBanter]

My dad have my brother the exact same amount when he married.