We once dropped into the Camelot Hotel in Tintagel for afternoon tea. It's a squat, red brick, presumably Victorian cake of a building and it's weird with a capital Woo. We'd walked from Boscastle and were in dire need of refreshment, having stupidly not taken any with us.
So we flopped into this place in search of food and drink. There is lots of 'art' around, big swirly abstract things, which would be OK if not for the glitter stickers mashed onto them. Then on the tables there are newspapers, until you look closer and see they're all about someone who 'could be Britain's greatest living artist'. Yes, Ted Stourton of the glitter sticker monstrosities is calling himself that and publishing vanity newspapers to the same effect.
The staff all look rather subdued and silent scuttling about, and there are no other customers. The place is really rather empty and forlorn. Rooms full of magnificent furniture, including a round table, stand unused and echoing. We order some drinks at the bar and start, ahem, 'critiquing' the art. Then this bloke suddenly stomps up and takes the canvas nearest to us off the wall. Ted apparently did not appreciate our criticism.
So we giggle and snigger a bit more, then get stuck into the scones. Another bloke sidles up to us and starts chatting. We'd quite like him to sod off and leave us to it, but then he asks us whether we'd like to come with him to The Light Box. Our stomachs drop. We break out into a light sweat. We all look at each other and wonder what this could be. Is it the dungeon where they throw amateur art critics? Are we due to be chopped up into little pieces and made into glitter stickers? We decline his offer and he stalks off muttering about how those cream scones will make us even fatter. So we finish our (crappy) scones and make to leave. Before we do, my mum goes up to the sad-eyed lady behind the bar and asks if everything's alright.
'Well,' she intones, 'I'm only here for some holiday work. But I really wish I'd googled this place first.'
We skidaddle before we're axe murdered by an angry glitter sticker artist and his mate in The Light Box, after briefly considering whether to grab the barmaid and liberate her from her dreadful fate (we decide against it, this being a free country and us being cowards). Relief floods us as we've clearly escaped a fate worse than death by the skin of our teeth and we breathe deeply of the sweet, sweet fresh Cornish air.
We did google it later. Turns out they're a bunch of scientologists with questionable Russian connections. The Light Box is where Ted and his mate put you in a room, play music at you and hard-sell said glitter art. But shit me, that was the creepiest thing I've ever been subjected to.