do you ever tell your teenager you hate them?

[tigergirlcracker]

dd pushes my button so much i often find myself lashing out saying i hate her.

also her moods go on and on for days

she is 15

[lljkk]

How often does 'productive' come into human behaviour, most of us just operate on impulse most of the time (or in the case of teens, ALL the time .

Isn't it funny, if you were a Spartan you only expected to love and protect your child if they were strong and healthy enough. If you read the Old Testament, the onus is all on children to honour their parents no matter what -- God never asks anybody in the Bible to kill their mother or father, does He?? (whereas people are asked a few times to sacrifice a son or daughter).

Now we live in an age of parents are failures unless they are completely forgiving, 100% protective, etc..

It's all cultural, really.

[lou33]

no i have never said i hate her, tho she has said it to me enough (dd1 is 16.5)

[katinat]

one more thing, she will NEVER forget that you said those words to herno matter how much her moods improve ( and they will )and how grown up she becomes. Apologize nowtell her how sorry you are and explain why you said what you said. Repair your relationship now--she needs you even though she drives you nuts! Good luck dear.

[katinat]

No. I get really mad sometimes but I have never said that word. It's not "hate" really, it's extreme frustration. Next time say " I am extremely furious with you " in the same tone--it will get your point (feelings/frustrations) accross with less psych trauma to the kid.

[kingprawntikka]

lljkk i don't think unconditional love no matter what makes mother hood into an impossible state. Surely our role is to guide our children, encourage them to make good choices, to teach them empathy and understanding. I don't think telling a child that you hate them in anger and frustation is at all productive.After all is it not the behaviour you want to change, not the child that you hate.

[Divvy]

"I love you, but just dont like your behaviour right now"

[lljkk]

I dunno, love and hate are hardly mutually exclusive. Just because they're our offspring doesn't mean we have to like them, hate is about 'dislike' -- not the same as not loving them. The ideal of 'unconditional love no matter what' makes motherhood into an impossible state.

[dsrplus8]

i feel for the daughter, so upsetting! hope op sorts herself out. thought ....do you get parenting classes for parents of 12+yr olds? might be the way to go , teach us all new and improved ways of dealing with our darling teenagers and their raging hormones!

[Pimmpom]

Well, OP hasn't been back so I hope they are both ok.

[mumblechum]

Nope, have never said I hate ds. I like that idea that if he ever tells me he hates me, to say "I love you too"

[kingprawntikka]

I have two teenagers.I would never tell them that I hate them. You are her mother, the one person she is supposed to be able to totally rely on, some one who will love her unconditionally no matter what. You can tell her you don't like some of her behaviour but not that you hate her. She will be all grown up before you know it, and one day it will be her deciding how much time she wants to spend with you. I know teenagers can be difficult but you need to walk away or take a moment to calm down so you don't resort to such destructive comments.

[mumeeee]

I have 3 daughters aged 21.19 and 16. They have all been diificult at sometime or other and DD2 has given us the most grief. But Niether me or my DH have ever said we hate them. We always make sure that they know we love them.

[MadameCheese]

Not sure how relevant this is but I heard on some daytime programme a woman told of her arguements with her teenage son. When he said "I hate you" she would just say "I love you too darling" which disarmed him and made her feel better - good luck

[hecAteAMillionMincePies]

I think that you need to keep telling yourself that it is certain BEHAVIOURS that you hate, not the person. And make that difference very, very clear to her.

Telling your child that you hate them will stay with them for ever, but you know that. If you find that you can't control your outbursts totally, can you try to say "I hate it when you do X" instead of "I hate you" ??

[lljkk]

I have said unkind things to DC, not 'I hate you', but then I don't have teens (YET). I apologise, move on, same as DC have learnt to do when they say unkind things to me.

I had a friend who used to say to her husband "Later on I will love you again, but just right now I really hate you so please leave me alone for a while to calm down"). I thought it was weird at the time, but now I think that was wise. Many emotions are temporary, but they are still real, we shouldn't deny them.

I think it would kill DD if I ever said "I hate you" -- I am sure that one day I will come out with "I hate living with you", eventually, mind. There are ways to express the feelings without making them sound permanent.

[scaryteacher]

My ds (13) tells me he hates me frequently, or that he thinks I hate him (normally because I've said no to something, or made him do his homework).

I have a fearsome temper, much better controlled now I'm older, wiser and learned to laugh at teenagers, as I teach them, and vowed never to be like my Dad...my line is that I really dislike your attitude/language/behaviour, but I love you, so you are distinguishing between the person and what you are seeing/hearing.

As for the 'dirty on the inside bit'; not perhaps the most tactful way of putting it, but for some people who are religious, or have a particular moral code, and the OP could be a Muslim or Hindu or evangelical Christian, for all we know; then yes, that is what they would think, even if it shouldn't be articulated.

I'm not sure an apology is the way to go - but a frank discussion with your daughter about what is going on in your family and in her life might be in order, with the promise of no shouting or recriminations on your side. When we have a discussion like that (not often thankfully, I revert to form tutor mode, and try to detach myself, as it is the only way I can listen without emotion clouding my judgement.

Don't beat yourself up - teens are hard work, and none of the come with an instruction manual, nor are we given training.

I find counting backwards from 10 in Flemish helpful, you could try it in French? By the time I get to nought, I've forgotten what I was wound up about.

[pagwatch]

I don't know about other but my response was in part reaction to the assertions bythe op that others do it too and that those saying she shouldn't just didn't understand and would do it themselves.

I wasn't intending to sound like a pitchfork wielder but I did think that the op needed to recognise that her actions are not normal or ok.

If she thinks it is ok to lash out when she is frustrated and then thinks that everyone does it then she will not address it with the seriousness that it probably needs.

I hope she takes custys wise words to heart and gets some help.

Having grown up with some similar comments being thrown at me that do affect the very core of who you are..such things are hard rto rebound from. And my comments werew not from my mother which must be even harder and more deeply felt.

[cory]

I don't everybody who says the OP needs to get help is necessarily just condemning. Somebody who tells their teenage dd that she is dirty inside has serious problems.

If you are the Mum, Tiger, then you should try to get counselling. This cannot go on, it's unsafe. If your dd learns to think of herself as dirty, then she won't have any incentive to look after herself or keep herself safe.

Try ParentLine, try your GP. While we all can get wound up by teenagers, what you actually say to her is out of the ordinary; it sounds as if you have problems that are more serious than do most parents and you need help.

If you are the teenage dd, then yes- what your Mum is doing is very very wrong. But it can not make you dirty or unlovable. You are a person in your own right. What she says is to do with her problems, not with you. But you need to get help from a sympathetic adult.

[tatt]

there are times - like right now - when I don't understand or like my children. I have never said I hate them and I hope I never would. So far I've managed to avoid saying I don't like them, although I have said I don't like their behaviour. Can't guarantee I won't ever say I don't like them much but I hope if I do I'll have the sense to add "at the moment" afterwards.

Please bear in mind people that this may be a teenage "troll" finding out if their mother's behaviour is appropriate.

Mother's should always give their children love and afefction but we aren't saints and sometimes teenagers would try the patience of one!

[chenin]

Custardo is a wise woman! All that she says makes total sense to me. I have 2 DDs (late teens) and YES, they drive me to total and utter distraction, A LOT OF THE TIME.

But... they are still like 7 year olds but with the power of argument and strop. They just want attention and love. I have thought (in my head) 'I really don't LIKE you at the moment' but I don't even particularly tell them that, let alone that I hate them.

Parents of teens are there to be the butt of their anger and angst... it is all part of growing up. It's hard and it's horrible at times. Mine have reduced me to tears before now but I don't hate them ... they are my children, how could I hate them?

[piscesmoon]

No-they may seem very large and annoying at times but they are very vulnerable.
Parenting classes are probably the answer.

[YeahBut]

Really really hope the OP is a troll.
If not, I think you need to recognise that this kind of behaviour is tantamount to verbal abuse and could have enormous repercussions in future. You're obviously aware that the situation can't go on, or you would not have posted. TBH, I don't think there is anyone on Mumsnet with a 'Magic' answer that will help you. I think it would be worth chatting to someone from Parentline and talking to your GP about these outbursts of anger.

[georgimama]

Um, OK then.

Bye.