Help. DS (13) been getting porn sites from school mate and has had a look see...

[AnonRegular]

Right hopefully my name has changed for this.

DS is 13, nice lad, no vices, as a family we're pretty liberal, open and get on well.
But this afternoon... I was on the pc, doing ebay and flitting backwards anf fwds, ds jumped on between my stint there as he often does.
Come back to find he has got some pretty full on porn sites up - a quick overreaction later we do a full search and see that over the last 2 mths, ds has accessed a few of the following...

girl on girl (graphic video) and other varied stuff but that above is prob the most hard core.

Ok I'm no prude, have no issues with his grwoing sexuality and curiousity.
Did full explanation of how pc is not to be used for it. and had full and frank discussion etc

But the issue I'm struggling with is this

The site address was given to him by a school mate, we know who.
We do not want to tell school about it, but think it would be responsible to tell the other kids parents too.
So... any thoughts?

[Kezza7779]

I hope that i am experienced and open minded enough to be able to deal with these types of 'normal' teenage situations myself (and with dh) My dh - when i asked him what he would do in this situation said the same as me so i am confident that we could easily manage such a simple situation. the boys arent snortng cocaine in the loos there having a wank over a bit of girl on girl porn....
Often the opinion of the parent influences the way they deal with these types of situations. those that would divorce their husband for looking at porn rather than accept its a natural phenonemon would punnish and shame their sons, those that accept its the norm would have 'the chat' with their son and recommend acceptable boundaries on the subject!!!!

[Kezza7779]

Ha Ha ok whatever....agree to disagree i think....!!!

[kiskidee]

quotes from the OP:

"girl on girl (graphic video) and other varied stuff but that above is prob the most hard core." (my bold)

"The site address was given to him by a school mate, we know who"

If the op does not know the parents of the school mate, you can contact the school to function as a go-between to communicate and make the concerns known the hard core stuff which the other child is accessing.

the rl situation would dictate what would be the next best way and I would not want to speculate further or present hypotheses here. There are a myraid of ways that the school can help the parents and the children (sensitively and professionally) with instances such as these when parents are feeling out of depth and want practical support from people who actually know their child but do not want to turn to family, friends or erm, social services. It is all part of the day to day pastoral care that schools have a duty to provide. It takes a village to raise a child, etc.

In many cases approaching to school to mediate or provide advice beats the 'boys will be boys and will always look at porn' attitude which many view as colluding with and perpetuating the production of porn.

[Kezza7779]

im sorry Kiskee but you must be missing the point..... the boy was looking at porn in the FAMILY HOME not at school. It has NOTHING to do with the school hence why i said why would anyone go to the school, i also meant..... by going to the school and telling the head the boy would be made to feel ashamed and emarrassed (SHAMED) simply beacuse the head would know!!!

Th porn wasnt on a phone either... as i said he was looking at it in the FAMILY HOME.....

If they were watching porn on a mobile phone in SCHOOL it is a different situation altogether, of course then the school absolutely have a duty of care to inform the parents but that is a completely different situation, you as a teacher are responsible for them in school and yes it is your responsibility to inform the parents about what their children are getting upto at school.

[saff]

i agree with kezza on this in the fact that he is a normal hormonal teenager when my son was 13 he did same thing i did not need to shame him through school though he used their bloody pc the spaz lol

[kiskidee]

do yu think that headmaster would call a boy in and 'shame'? i wonder what you think of the teaching profession then. do you think that if the parent spoke to the Head, it was even HIM who would speak to the boy?

do you think parents would just 'shame'? you know what, depending on the kind of porn my child received from another child on his phone, I think i would speak to another parent. this comes from a teacher who have seen some of the stuff kids send to each other and it is part of a duty of care to pass on the information to a more senior member of staff who sometimes find it in their duty of care to speak to parents.

nothing is wrong with a 'good old father to son chat'. Only sometimes more than one parent may need to have that 'chat'.

I see.

[Kezza7779]

Oh... what was the talk about going to the headmaster and the others boys parents then? Must of misread!!!!!!!!!

and.... discussion.....
quote
Whats wrong with a good old father to son chat, "yes son this is normal for you to experiment etc but we would much prefer it if you didnt use the family computer as your mum little brother /sister etc have to see it, how about getting some mags and keeping them in a private drawer in your room"?

[kiskidee]

as a social worker then i hope you didn't read between the lines that no one here suggested naming and shaming.

taking about sex, porn and the net has its time and place and when an opportunity presents itself to have a healthy discussion, i suggest it is grabbed and discussed. a discussion, not a preach.

[Kezza7779]

yes quite discoverlife!!

[Kezza7779]

Of course im upto date with cp issues im a social worker....i agree that they should talk to him about the use of the computer etc but its HIGHLY unlikely that hell be groomed on an adult porn site, its childrens chat rooms that people should be worried about..... How many little boys and girls 'chat' on ADULT porn sites. The issue wasnt about grooming or child protection it was about teenage boys watching porn = NORMAL!!!!
Im not saying that its acceptable but what i said was that shamng the boys - telling parents and god forbid headteachers isnt the right path to take it suggests that sex, fantasy, wanking or antyhing of this nature is VERY naughty and its not. Whats wrong with a good old father to son chat, "yes son this is normal for you to experiment etc but we would much prefer it if you didnt use the family computer as your mum little brother /sister etc have to see it, how about getting some mags and keeping them in a provate drawer in your room"?

[discoverlife]

DH and I used to own a computer shop and we were forever being asked by parents to take porn off (usually because of the security issues eg; viruses etc.) As always the parents were blushing, hesitant waited till there was no-one else in the shop and more often than not waited till there was a same sex shop assistant to talk to.
Now when mom or Pop were getting aggravated over said porn they would usually ask us what we thought about it and the general reply was 'They are young men (rarely happened with girls), with raging hormones and would you rather they were looking at blokes shagging sheep.

[kiskidee]

on one hand, boys will be boys and they will have a wank. I teach in an all boys comp.

on the other, hard core porn video for a 13 yo.

you don't sound up to date on internet grooming and child protection issues, kezza. on this one, i would hope most parents to err on the side of caution.

[Kezza7779]

I know this is an old thread but jeysus people, boys will be boys, at that age his hormones are racing, hes just learning about himself. Hes prob masturbating etc too. you shouldnt make this a big issue and telling his friends parents and embarrassing and shaming him is NOT the answer. Yes ask hm not to look at this stuff on the family pc but dont make it a crime!

[clerkKent]

Teenagers like bragging, especially about something that winds up their parents, so of course they claim to be members of that site.

DS (13) accesses porn from time to time, and has a drawer full of pornographic stories. I have shown him that any internet access leaves a trail and we can see what he has done, and he knows that we know about the drawer. As long as it does not become obsessive or hard core, we are not bothered about it.

[AnonRegular]

ahhh not quite
apparently their son just gave Max a video site where folks upload their own stuff...

yeah right, it was porn videos...
well ds says he knows this other lad has seen the site, but where oh where as his parents report full parental controls and have searched the log and can find no site of that name accessed...
There is one other boy in the frame so to speak, we are toying withe idea of speaking to his parents
At school both other boys report to being members of this site (which is US$ 30 per mth) and both have asked ds what he thought of the content...

So we shall see

[sugarfree]

Brill,well handled!

[AnonRegular]

the head is quitting next month... out with a bang...

Never mind DH is talking to other boys dad right now and it's all jolly lads ha ha, right oh sorted type of thing
They said thanks very much

[sugarfree]

How would the school stop them exchanging the info though?

[sugarfree]

Ah,I see! Much better idea,although the Head obviously doesn't have enough to do if he gets involved in stuff that goes on at home.

I hope get the same response from the other parents that we did.

[AnonRegular]

we had the threaten ds with school as he was refusing to find out his friends phone number...
I just wondered if anyone would support telling the school as that's where they are exchanging the info.

[AnonRegular]

erm the head deals with all disciplinary stuff... and I would have to go through him to get the other boys parents notified... who else at the school would I deal with?
I am not intending to go through the school however
DH has just dragged ds out to find a friend who knows of this other friends address and we are dealing with it directly.

[sugarfree]

TBH,I think the very frank discussion with me and his dad may well have turned him celibate.
This is a kid who almost dies if I sing to Depeche Mode in the car with the window open a half inch"!

[sugarfree]

Why on earth are you going to tell the Head?

Cod,we had a discussion,Dh,Ds and I about porn,pretty much what I've outlined above-look at tits and fannies if you want,its cool,but not where the rest of us(especially ds2 and 3)might inadvertantly get a looksee. We also had a talk about the harder stuff and our opinions on it.Ultimately though it is up to him.I can't control an almost adults sexuality.Ifhe wants to watch whatever,he will find a way somehow.

The friend was put through a similar discussion at his house I believe,'cept he got a bollocking for being devious enough to use someone else's pc.

Certainly didn't involve school,what on earth would they say-"oooh sorry Mrs.Sugar.We will need to take the plug off your pc for allowing hormone fuelled minors access while you nipped out for milk"?

[AnonRegular]

oh trust me this pc is very well monitored now

[sugarfree]

Problem is you can't make them not look at stuff when it's 'out there' at the click of a mouse.
You can stop them doing at home,easily,but there will always be homes where the pc is not monitered.