17 year old been in relationship 3 weeks now they want to get a flat

[MummyFourty]

My 17 year old son was in a relationship with his first love for two years but she ended it, he tried moving on for a month then went on tinder and meets an 18 year old in less than a day and is now in a relationship with her,
I made the mistake of letting her stay a night and then she was here all the time,

I've told them both she can stay 2 night, so 3 whole days as any longer it can affect my benefits as she is classed as a non dependent as she works, her parents won't let him stay over, he's only been to hers once, my son and her always make excuses for her to be here, when she's not here they're on the phone to each other constantly

Now I've put my foot down and said I'm not backing down so no longer 3 days, but they're now looking at rooms and flats to rent, they both work at a fast food place on low wage, he's been in work a couple of weeks, and been with her about 3 weeks , she has gave up a job in her home town a few miles away and got a job at the same place as him, she starts tomorrow

It's moving so fast and as he's talking about moving out in January and getting a place with her, so I need advice, if I say no I'll push him away but if I say yes then he'll move out and might realise what he's done and move back when the honeymoon period is been and gone,

Thing is he's also at college and has a good job to go to start as soon as he turns 18 as long as he stays in college, I take him to college but if he leaves I've told him he can get the bus but I'm not sure he will,
All my benefits for him will stop if he leaves and then I'll need to restart them if it doesn't work out between them and he moves back home

He says I'm selfish as my benefits are free money so it shouldn't matter if I loose them because she is here all the time, I'm on benefits due to anxiety, depression and social phobia, I'm on antidepressants for it and for sleep and this is affecting my mental health

What can I say to him so he understands I'm not being selfish and 3 whole days is fair, and keeping your own place, bills, rent etc isn't as easy as he thinks?

[Branster]

17, 18 year olds going on Tinder?!
Am I the only one who finds this a bit sad?
Sorry, OP, I am at a loss as to what I could advise in your situation but I’d be more worried that their relationship will be a total flop and your DS will suffer of a broken heart. It’s way too fast, she shouldn’t be staying the night so often to start with.

[MummyFourty]

Her mum lives in another part of the country with her younger half siblings and she doesn't see her but speaks on the phone

She lives with her dad and step mum and more half siblings of theirs, but it wouldn't surprise me if they had an agender as it seems they don't care she's not at home most of the time and now has a job near us

I don't get PIP so I can't advice on that but the 2 night thing is due to a partner, friend, relative etc staying in your home for a chunk of the week, say for instance my boyfriend didn't have his own place as was a trucker and worked away from home sleeping in his truck 5 out of 7 nights, and stayed at mine for the other 2 nights at the weekend, mine would be classed as his main home, same as if he has his own place but stayed more than 3/4 nights at mine, this meaning he would be at mine more than his own place so technically he would need to contribute to living here, even if I don't charge him rent and food etc the benefits agency will still class mine as his main home and deduct my benefits accordingly assuming he's buying food and helping me out as obviously he would if he was here alot, in actual fact he stays over once a week and we see each other on another day during the week due to me not being able to sleep properly as he snores, and also so I don't get in trouble with the housing etc

They also take into account the amount of hours said person spends at mine, not just nights, dats too alot is taken into consideration

Same goes for friends and relatives and also, my sons girlfriend

[MummyFourty]

Yes I'm kicking myself for letting her stay over that one time Branster, he went on tinder as had a broken heart then met her,
So to cheer him up I let her stay over, not knowing this would happen I thought it was a phase, a rebound and didn't realise she'd be so clingy and never want to go home, now I've gave them an inch they're taking a mile

[MummyFourty]

Thank you mspepperpots,

I just read your message after I posted and don't know how to tag, but wanted to say thanks for your kind words

[AutumnCrow]

It could be that the dad and step-mum are ushering her out of the door, and she doesn't want to be independent on her own at this age and stage of her life, so she's latched onto your DS to move in with her.

I think you get a three week grace period with benefits to tell them about a child / young person leaving home? (Which seems sensible, given all the false starts and temporary flounces you hear about.)

[MummyFourty]

I've just spoke to her, she didn't even know what a gaurentor was, so I'm not even sure she's asked her dad, my son is going to go to hers on Thursday and ask him stuff and he said after that I can have her dad's number, but he said its weird that I want it, is it weird?

Yeah her dad could be trying to usher her out the door as she said he's already trying to get rid of her stuff like bedside table etc,

He's now saying he won't be able to move out till they get a deposit and rent in advance so it won't be January after all,
I'm like "why bloody tell me January then I've been stressed out all day asking strangers on the Internet for advice"

His hours at work have been cut down this week too now due to the new business not making enough money, and now she's started at the same place, he even thinks the restaurant/take away might shut down but said they're find him a job at another of their many many restaurant/takeaway food outlets

He has came back to change his socks, with her in tow I can't kick them out in the cold but told her she'll need to be out at a reasonable time

Yeah I know I know, I'm changing the goalposts again but it's freezing outside they have no where to go

I'm stuck, the more I say no the more they rebell, their now warm in his room rather than out in the cold, it can be a dangerous place at night where we live, rapes, murders, mugging, stabbings etc you wouldn't believe it if you came here on holiday though, it's always the most beautiful places that could surprise you

Thanks again all, you've really helped me today

[AutumnCrow]

Pleased to see reality is setting in amongst the young folk

I'm not sure if be able to boot them out in the cold tonight either. But I'd probably have a full nag-on about mess. And drop in how much gas and electricity cost these days.

[AutumnCrow]

I'd

[HollowTalk]

Don't even think of her living with you! No way.

[Purpleartichoke]

A 17 year old does not need his girlfriend sleeping over. Not one night.

Set some limits. Demand that school be his priority. If he wants to move out at 18, you can’t stop him, but don’t help him financially. If he wants your help he lives at home until he finishes college.

[Bluerussian]

I have a feeling this rebound relationship will fizzle out as quickly as it started. I imagine they will be able to afford a double room in a shared house but not much more.

It's hard for you right now and you have my sympathy. You have to put yourself first though, your health and general wellbeing is of paramount importance.

[Purpleneonpinkunicorns]

If I was you op I would choose what the rules are and stick to them as if you keep moving the goalposts they will see that they can get away with anything and next thing you know she will be fully moved in, not paying rent or helping out and they will have no reason to move out.

I really dont think they'll last long at work if there waiting 5+hours for one another. It will end up with the manager being very pissed off with them.

[OctoberLovers]

If you say yes or no to him moving out?

You cant control that

[OctoberLovers]

You can control what goes on under your roof though

[Holdingtherope]

Am I missing something here. 17? I was working and living alone. No one fussed over me.

[Bluerussian]

Holdingtherope, good for you! I would have very much liked to have been the same but was constrained. Most people are not so independent at 17 though, they're usually still at school.

The op's son isn't talking about living alone but living with a girlfriend he's only known five minutes so it is understandable she is concerned, not just that but about his education. Most parents would be worried about that. Suppose she becomes pregnant? They're hardly in a position to be parents.

I'm hoping - for everyone's sakes - it doesn't last too much longer and in the new year at least one of them sees the light.

[AutumnCrow]

Holdingthorpe Thing is, the school leaving age has effectively been 18 since 2015. Young people are required to be in full-time education or training. They can work part-time on top of that, but the minimum wage rates are low for this age group.

Meanwhile, rents have shot up. Guarantors are a new reality of renting. It's a different economic world out there than back in our day.

Also some 17 year olds are much more mature than others.

[changeforprivacy]

Am I missing something here.

Yes, you are.

17? I was working and living alone.

Times have changed. 17 year olds are expected to be in education, not to mention any NMW job which is pretty much all a 17yo could get isn't going to support living alone. You do know it's £4.35 for a 17 year old?

No one fussed over me.

That's not a positive point.

[Defenestratethecat]

Bluerussian, was just coming here to suggest OP makes damned sure her DS us using condoms.

[Bluerussian]

Too right, defenestrate! I sincerely hope he does but let's face it, there are a lot of teenage parents around. The op did say she found condom wrappers in the bedroom when she was cleaning up so they obviously do use them (sometimes).

[Ihaventgottimeforthis]

Can they sit down and work out a budget for living on?
Perhaps that will make them (and you) realise whether it is feasible or not.

Set them that as a task. If they want to live together independently it's the least they should be able to do.

[Drabarni]

Gosh, I don't let them stay over until at least 18 and then they need to have been together for at least a year.
It doesn't sound like her parents are happy about it, and I doubt they'll afford it tbh.

[Aquamarine1029]

If you don't want her staying overnight, tell your son it's not happening anymore. Your house, your rules. Your son sounds very immature and totally unrealistic. If he thinks he can afford his own place by January, he's dreaming.

[GiveHerHellFromUs]

@Aquamarine1029 have you ever read a full thread in your life? Every single time I see you post it's at least a day after the OP and you always say something completely irrelevant based on the way the conversation has developed.