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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Daughters 'friends'

29 replies

Mcee · 26/09/2017 16:02

Hi all, new to MN, thought I'd join to see if I can get some sound advice!
My 14yr old DD is suffering from the age old problem of 'bitchy friends' . She's not sure what she's done but two particular ex friends (no idea why she's ex!) are being really nasty on social media about her and turning many DD friends against her. Making life at school very hard and upsetting. She's had a really tough year outside of school. Which they will know about.
We have screenshots of some of the stuff and it's really vicious. Going to the school is not an option for her at the moment as she says it'll make them worse. I so want to speak to parents but again that could make things worse.
I've tried to give her some advice on how to handle things, but she's not coping well at all.
Why are teenage girls so bloody spiteful and bitchy?
Anyone got any good advice I can give her to cope with this and develop a thick skin?
I know if she were doing this to others I'd want to know 😪

OP posts:

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JenNtonic · 26/09/2017 16:13

Hi Mcee :-)
Awwwww love her. They can be so cruel at that age ! I have to be honest I'd overrule the not talking to the school and the other parents but I'm probably more pushy than you. In the meantime the only practical advice I have is to build her up and make her secure and confident. Maybe spend more time with her if it's an option so she can get some head space so to speak

nuttyknitter · 26/09/2017 16:18

I think you have to go to the school. They will have lots of experience of dealing with this sort of thing and it will send a very clear message to the girls. I'd avoid talking to their parents - that could get very personal, and presumably the girls have learned this horrible behaviour from them! I would expect the school to contact the parents, which sends a much more powerful message.

ShangriLaLaLa · 26/09/2017 16:19

In my experience School always want to know, particularly if there is social media involvement. DDs School are zero tolerance.

Sympathies OP. Teenage girls can be dreadful. DD is pushing 16 and things seem to be improving, so you may find that they’ll mature over the next year or so and things will be brighter. Tough to be in the middle of it now though. Don’t all suffer in silence, if at all possible and agree with pp about making home a loving haven, if possible.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 26/09/2017 16:21

I think you need to overrule her here, as difficult as that will be. The situation isn't going to resolve itself. It sends the message to your DD that she shouldn't have to put up with this, and sends the message to the girls that you're not going to stand for it.

It's a bloody difficult situation, but you need to think of the long game for your DD. I do hope you get some resolution quickly.

Mcee · 26/09/2017 16:23

Hey, thing is I don't know the parents very well, except the odd pleasantries! One of the girls I don't know them!
As far as the school goes, I need her to trust me and am afraid I will lose that trust. I am the only one she can trust. I'd hoped it would have blown over by now, but not been so lucky. She's a pretty little thing and they are criticising her for not having a 'butt' I'm worried it could develop into an eating disorder. She came back home the other day saying she wanted them to hit her so she could hit back at them 😢 that's not the person I bought her up to be 😪 x

OP posts:

Trying2bgd · 26/09/2017 16:30

for you and DD.

I agree with others, you need to go into school and discuss the situation and show them the screen shots. Often the shock of teachers getting involved scares off these mean girls or if not, the school can think about moving these kids out of your DD's classes.

Keep supporting your DD and encourage her to find outside activities which will give her a better perspective of life beyond school walls. Good luck x

Mcee · 26/09/2017 16:42

The screen shots don't name her directly so I'm not sure school would see them as proof.
I just want to see the girls and give them the evil eye, see how brave they are then!

Why can't schools cover this sort of thing in their PD lessons? My DD has no confidence in the teachers there and says they won't be interested in petty little things like this usual sort of bitching.
I just need to be able to give her a coping mechanism, then if it's not sorted by HT then I'll be asking them to do something anonymously.

OP posts:

Binghasalottoanswerfor · 26/09/2017 17:59

I would confront the girl's myself I think. Whether that's the right approach or not I'm not sure.

Maybe try talking your daughter into speaking to the school. Don't worry about the texts not naming them, numbers can easily be traced back to them. The school can inform the parents too.

I got bullied so badly that I had to be home schooled. Wasn't handled correctly. Not sure what the correct route is or if there even if there is one. I can't imagine how powerless you feel

Cloudyapples · 26/09/2017 18:07

If you don't want dd to feel like you've broken her trust then can you come to an agreement e.g. She will try to rise above it but if it's still affecting her in x weeks then you will go to the school together?

Mcee · 26/09/2017 19:34

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. At the moment talking to school is not an option. She firmly believes it will make things worse: She is so angry about this, she's taking her anger and hurt out on me. I've said to her to try and develop a thick skin but she's so sensitive that's not going to help!

I really just need to give her advice on how to handle things. I need to give her some smart responses to throw back at them if they start. It's this one girl at the root of it all who is doing all the stirring and bitching and then like sheep the others follow 🐑🐑🐑. One girl who's in the crowd was asked why they were doing this and she didn't know why?? What hope is there??

OP posts:

MummaDeeDee · 28/09/2017 20:15

Oh I feel for you! Girls are soooo nasty. Unfortunately these things don't tend to blow over. You need to speak to the school, maybe tell them about her reluctance to do so and they can approach it more discreetly. These bullies don't stop until they're dealt with. Keep her taking to you and just be there for her. It's such a shitty age for most girls.

Therealslimshady1 · 29/09/2017 08:06

It is really good she is talking to you.

With my DS, when there was trouble in yr8 I sat down with him and wrote a mail to.his tutor, I said:" can you read this? This is the mail I want to send". He said he wanted me to change a sentence, but other than that he was then fine with me sending it (it was a very unemotional.mail, stating a few facts and asking the school to look ito it"). But if he would have said no, I would not have sent it.

In his case, it helped him to see how I communicated the problem. In his mind he thought I would have said something dramatic like:" my baby boy has been beaten up by thugs! Outrage. Etc"

If you can show her the sort of mail you'd like to send, she may actually agree.

Whatever happens, keep talking to her.

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2017 08:10

My DD had this in year 7 and was adamant that I wouldn't contact school
When we found out she was self harming ( mildly) I warned her that if it continued I had no choice but to speak to school. She did it again and so I did involve the school who were absolutely brilliant, we also got DD to visit a counsellor a few times to discuss the bullying and her general anxiety.
She was upset that I did involve school at the time but says she now understands why I did. I suppose it's hard because you need them to be able to talk to you but in some cases you DO need to overrule them as well. It was an easier decision for us as DD is so young

NeonFlower · 29/09/2017 08:25

She talks to school or you do (remember, if you don't act, that might be breaking her trust too). What about you arrange to meet a pastoral care person at school together, and plan to say 'she is having some friendship issues' and it is knocking her confidence. Then she can tell them as much or as little as she wants to. It opens channels of support and action.

Embekkisson1 · 29/09/2017 08:37

Get her off social media for a start . This is where the bullying looks like it's started from. Tell her to block their names and any friends of bully's . Talk to school first thing in morning with her by your side telling them she is being bullied and she needs a teacher or pastoral carer who she can go to at break times . However, the longer she looks at social media the more her confidence will suffer . Get her to have a proper break from it while she gets these issues sorted .

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2017 08:47

Going to the school won’t make it worse. Even though she thinks that.

Could you have a word with a teacher she likes / trusts.

And you both have my deepest sympathies. It’s such a horrible thing to go through

Fishface77 · 29/09/2017 08:54

Get her of social media
Speak to the school. Sometimes as parents we need to make the decision in the best interests of the child.
Speak to the police.
Get her counselling.
Consider changing schools.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/09/2017 08:57

"I would confront the girl's myself I think."

No, that really would make things worse.

I have been through this, and you really need to talk to the pastoral bod at school. You could ask them not to let your DD know that you contacted the school. It could be that a teacher or fellow pupil has noticed that something isn't right.

pingu73 · 29/09/2017 09:01

My daughter is the same year group as yours. She had the same with a friend who then turned it was a nightmare snap chat pinging all night turning he rest o the class etc.
All I said to her was do not get involved in talking about it with others and just keep your distance it all blew over however another one started with her and it’s her we go gain.
Also we have a plan in place in case she thinks anything is going to start on the way home. I’ve told her to stay in school and call us to collect it scares me to death when you see the fights ty get into a d them film and post online. It seems much more vicious than when we were kids

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/09/2017 09:07

Get her off social media, work on her resilience. And speak to the school. Sometimes they can be great. Ours was surprisingly excellent when DD was self harming.

And encourage her to change her friendship group. Join some stuff. Youth Theatre is good; lots of quirky angsty types there, it is like team sport for sensitive souls.

Expat38matt · 29/09/2017 09:09

I have younger kids but I always feel I'd want to know if one of mine was bullying or something - and i would come down hard on them for it. It's likely the parents don't have a clue . I think you'd have to frame it tactfully as many parents I've found come out defensive of their precious offspring but I do think it would be a good step to make
I'm sorry for your DD girls are so bitchy

Dawnedlightly · 29/09/2017 09:14

You've had some good and practical advice here. You need to step up and parent, not stand by and ring your hands because of misguided notions of trust etc.

Ohyesiam · 29/09/2017 10:37

My oh runs the pastoral care system at the comp he b teacher at, and he says to definitely tell the school.
They take on all bullying and unkindness, even if it happens out of school, and on social media.
Great that you have evidence.

littlebillie · 30/09/2017 08:53

Definitely speak to the school I had to deal with something like this last year. Then approach the parents, I would politely explain its online abuse and you've taken advice and wanted to give them the heads up before you take it further. It will stop dead and if they are good parents will be mortified.

littlebillie · 30/09/2017 08:58

I think the thing with social media is we are all older and did not deal with this at school.

If we had received a poison pen letter through our letterbox our parents probably would have called the police.

Use polite none emotional language to the school screen shot the messages and ask them to pass on this information to their parents.

Restrict the social media and get the phone in the draw

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