Another messy room thread but with the added extra bonus of sticky fingered teen...

[PaintTheWholeWorld]

14yo DD bought DH some chocolate for his birthday last week. He went to get some last night and it had gone... The empty box was found under DD's bed this morning, along with some of my make up, all trashed.

The room is horrific, used tampons on the floor, used make up wipes strewn about the place, can't see the floor at all, dirty plates and glasses everywhere​. Daren't open her wardrobe. Blood on the sheets on her bed, she's clearly sleeping on the mattress without the sheet covering it properly.

I'm at my wit's end. She was a fairly tidy preteen, this seems to have been triggered by puberty. She knows it's unacceptable. She has had help to keep on top of it. It got so bad last year, that I bin bagged everything, rubbish and all, and gave it back to her a bag a day to sort out. Other people's stuff had gone missing in there, which was what triggered the clear out. There was 18 bags worth of stuff, rammed under her bed and in her wardrobes.

I tolerate mess but can't cope with the dirtiness of it, and the fact that despite agreeing that the rules (put clean washing away, no dirty plates, dirty washing in basket, rubbish in bin, don't take other people's stuff without asking) are reasonable and fair she just blatantly disregards them.

I'm devastated that she thinks it's ok to just take our stuff and trash it.

This kind of thing has happened before and she agreed it was wrong, apologised, agreed that the sanctions were fair (removal of pocket money to pay for damaged stuff) but here we are again.

When she gets home her phone will be removed until the end of the week. No lifts anywhere. Pocket money to be used to replace stuff - this will take around a month.

She's great otherwise, friendly and sociable, polite, doing well at school. It's the blatant disregard for other peoples property that pisses me off. FFS if she'd asked to borrow my eyeshadow I would have let her, but she's gone in my room, taken it from my makeup bag and then left it on her bedroom floor with the plastic casing broken. And dh's chocolate, she bloody bought it for him and then thought it fine to eat it herself! She's not even supposed to eat in her room due to previous issues with rubbish, and there never being any crisps or biscuits left for anyone else.

How how do I tackle this? It feels like fucking groundhog day, any sanctions don't work at all.

[Keehar256]

I used bribery.
Her allowance depends on a pristine room by Sunday evening. So she only has a week to mess it up which is less gross. Also she's learning the tidier she keeps it the easier Sundays are becoming.
Also last week she found a giant spider lurking underneath something on the floor. She hates spiders so I have told her the spiders only come in when they can find something to crawl under - if there is literally nothing on the floor they'll bugger off into my room!! Lol...
Also a big open plastic box for rubbish just under her desk helped. Obviously a normal bin with a lid in the corner was too much effort to put rubbish in...

[BigYellowJumper]

I went through this kind of thing as a teenager. I was suffering from depression and anxiety, are you sure that's not the case here?

[Angelicinnocent]

My DD went through a similar stage but thankfully not quite that bad. We resolved it by saying she couldn't go anywhere or have her pocket money until bedroom was tidy every weekend. And we inspected it. Lasted for 3 months and then we eased off. Not brilliantly tidy these days but acceptable. Tends just to be dirty washing on floor but she still gathers it up every Saturday morning.

[claritytobeclear]

I would point out hazards of leaving the bio waste lying about especially. Smell = bacteria. Rodents etc are attracted to it. Say you will get her a good sized bin for more convenience.

Then I would get her a good, lidded bin with liner for her room and some paper disposal bags On bin day (at least) make sure she empties it.

[importanceofhappiness]

I would clean up and then insist on daily room cleaning followed by you checking her room. If you stick with this it will hopefully become habit for her to keep things clean and tidy.

I'm not a naturally tidy person and cleaning every day was how I became one. It just became a routine thing I do like brushing teeth or taking a shower.

[PaintTheWholeWorld]

X post floral that sounds like my plan :)

Half the problem is dh. He agrees that her room is a hovel, that we need to crack down on it but then does fuck all to help police it. He's out of the house more than I am so I end up being the bad guy a lot of the time. He's just going to have to knuckle down too as I refuse to be responsible for sorting this out on my own.

[PaintTheWholeWorld]

Her best friend is as bad as she is according to her mum. I'm not going to go as far as taking her door off, but she will be losing stuff from her room. Don't mind we have ants in the kitchen... Hence my being so picky about cleanliness. She'll be home in half an hour or so. She will have her phone and her make up removed, and is grounded for the rest of the week. I will also be having another chat about hygeine and what to do when she gets blood on stuff. She has access to clean sheets, she just needs to notice it needs doing. Like I said upthread, fucking groundhog day.

Heavy policing and not giving in could maybe be the way to go? She goes to bed under her own steam as she's sensible about it but I may reinstate a bed time, that being the time her phone is downstairs and all crockery and rubbish removed from her room. I will go in to say goodnight and will expect the room to be, if not fabulously tidy, at least born a hazard.

Thanks for your replies.

[Floralnomad]

That sounds truly disgusting . Personally I'd go in with her tonight and get it sorted out and then starts the new regime i.e. Rubbish in bin, any plates taken to the kitchen , laundry in appropriate place and every night you go in and check it's been done - if it's not done then phone / tablet away until it is . If you keep on top of it it won't take long and she'll hopefully get into good habits .

[DontMindTheStep]

The removal of property and the door off - it's quite harsh. It could really trash an otherwise happy mother/daughter relationship.

I'd say - be a bit more gentle but still keep on at her. Absolutely insist on sanitary items and crockery being brought out every day, but let some of the rest of it go.

I have found my teens get tidier again as they get older.

One of my children is so ashamed of the state of her room (she has too much stuff) but is also very agitated if we touch her belongings. She has developed a new idea of normal and let's people see her room sometimes! It never fails to shock me.

With this particular child, I insist on the worst items being removed, and I have to stand over her to get that! I only provide a lift / those tights / allowing her her phone back / let her join us for dinner, when she has done that two minute mini job.

I don't ask for too much. I would spoil family life picking on her. She will be tidier when she is in her own place!

This week I am mostly worrying about ants - I have seen some in the house...

[BeanSprout79]

Does she have friends round that go back in her room? Maybe if you make her invite her friends round and make them go to her room she might get embarrassed and realise she needs to clean it?

[MaitlandGirl]

I had problems with DD2 up until earlier this year. We solved the problem by removing everything other than 3 changes of clothes, her books and furniture and taking her door off.

For every week she managed to wash her clothes and remember to close the drawers we gave her back a change of clothing.

It drove me mad as she never used to be so untidy but she hit 16 and became a total slob.

She still doesn't have her door back on and most of her belongings are locked in the garage but at least her room is relatively tidy, and it's not filthy anymore.

[PaintTheWholeWorld]

Come down hard how exactly

Phone and screen removal - doesn't work
Pocket money removal - doesn't work
Bagging up her crap - doesn't work
Reasoning - doesn't work
Taking makeup away - doesn't work
Getting annoyed and upset - doesn't work
Refusal to do her washing and ironing, be her taxi service, replace broken stuff, doesn't... Well you get the message

All the above sounds so negative. We have good times, days out, shopping trips, laughs and silliness. Then she does something like this and I feel like I'm being taken for a mug.

Totally agree that it's beyond rank.

[HuckfromScandal]

That's truly rank

Remove all stuff of value from her room, and don't let her have it until she can be mature. Used Tampons - that's just beyond fucking gross

Come down hard - very very hard