Parenting teenagers is grim

[nakedscientist]

Do you feel that all the joy goes out of having a family when they become teenagers? No more outings, the picnics, the craft days, making crappy cakes, cuddles, happy to see you. Then it becomes days of sleepovers, weekovers, boy/girl friends, can I have money/shoes/clothes/tickets/lifts....you dont know anything, your childhood was different/doesn't count/was ancient. Sigh. Bad day. Really bad day.

[CatsDogsandDC]

I have three teenagers. The boys are fine. My DD is 16 and a complete drama queen. Everything has to revolve around her. She has no empathy or consideration for anyone else, is amazingly rude and abusive every time she opens her mouth (her poor brothers put up with so much with immense patience) and incredibly entitled.

I really don't like her at the moment. She hugely reminds me of my twatty entitled exH in her manner. He is the one who cheated and broke up the family but she is all butter wouldn't melt with him whilst being shitty to me. I frankly can't wait for her to leave home.

Phew, it felt good to say that!

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

My 2 are so different. DS1 (19) is quiet, a bit of a loner , spends most of his time alone in his room, doesn't drink/smoke etc - although he's coming out his shell recently and having a bit of a social life. DD (16) is a party animal, lives for the moment, boyfriends, drinks ,(although not madly). Uses to worry about DS missing out on the fun years now worrying DD having a bit too much fun! DS still hugs/kisses me, tells me he loves me, I'm great etc. DD usually hates me and have been through the whole disrespect, not liking her, near physical battles - I locked myself in my bedroom once as she was having a raging meltdown and I was worried she would lash out at me. We've turned a corner recently and she's starting to show more respect and acknowledge when she's being unreasonable - I had another thread about her becoming sexually active which I didn't handle well to begin with. But we've talked loads since and she's been great these last few days - her room is even tidy! I do feel for teens these days with the internet and the constant bombardment of sh*t it can bring - I am having conversations about porn wth her that never in her wildest dreams would my mother have imagined doing. They've got all the gear but no idea - I really don't think most of their brains can handle what they are exposed to now. I see it in my work - we are facing a huge mental health crisis in our youngsters I fear.

[duvetdaisydo]

I loved"toddler taming" it was my bible for my oldest. I remember the author Christopher Green? saying if you make it through the teenage years and you are still on good speaking terms with your child you've done a great job!

[nakedscientist]

Duvet yes Christopher Green, did he say that! He's fab . Yes we are still speaking for today at least! So sorry to you who have DCs with mental health issues. We need a parent-line tyoe charity set up dont we?

[nakedscientist]

Just looked up helpline called family lives and one for mental health issues called young minds. My issues seem too trivial for these lines but they may help some who have posted here where mental health is an issue.

[LorraLorraLlama]

Thanks Naked. Something to consider when i can find the strength to talk about it.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

I love having teenagers (DSs 16 and 15) mostly.

I did go through a brief period of mourning when I realised we'd spent the last afternoon at the farm park and that that sort of thing but that passes and it's nice to see them growing their wings and independence.

I've had to bite my tongue a lot though with regards to the minor stuff, messy bedroom/bathroom. Sometimes you just need to look at the bigger picture.

We had a recent incident with DS2 who wanted to "camp" with his friends, he did one night and I was comfortable that there may be a bit of alcohol involved but trusted him to make appropriate choices. He was fine when he was picked up, said he'd had a bit of cider but not a lot. However another camp was planned and he was shifty as hell about it. I suspected more was happening and I managed to work out that they were planning on smoking weed. I couldn't ban him from going but told him I suspected there was more to it than he was telling me and said he didn't have my permission to go. I went to work fully expecting him not to be there when I got back. He however decided himself not to go so I was proud of him for making good choices even though he doesn't know that I know what they were planning.

I try to remember that both DH and I lied to our parents as teens so he is just trying to assert his independence and therefore we try not to create WW3 every time anything comes up - I'm playing the long game and hoping that the standards we instilled when they were small last out and form their moral compass :o

I think I was a bit of a shouty mum when they were younger, I rarely ever shout now.

[nakedscientist]

Gosh the weed around now is so strong (80 times stronger than what was available in the 80s) I really worries me .
'Shouty mum' made me laugh . I used to say -shout-"let's not be the shouty family".

[lottachocca]

Some good news for those parents who are about to embark on the ship "teen years". According to "Nurture shock" 75% of teens continue to get along quite nicely during their teen years. The other 25% didn't get on with their parents before the teens hit - so being a teen wasn't the trigger. The popular sulky, bored, rebellious teen story is partly a myth promoted by popular media and pop psychology catering to parents who find having a teenager stressful.
Arguments/heated debates are the truth seeking by the teen - who finds them interesting and revealing while their parents see them as disruptive and stressful. More arguments mean more honesty. In compliant societies - teens don't argue, they just lie. So apparently teens are trying to bring their parents on board by arguing with them - they respect your point of view. The type of parents who are lied to least had rules and enforced them consistently but found a way to be flexible while still allowing rule setting to be respected.
They believe that the negative narrative of the teen years is in danger of steering behaviour - teens seeing it as uncool to like their parents. Kids trying to show themselves as disaffected and bored because showing they care makes they look foolish.

Food for thought?

[lottachocca]

Sorry I should've said the 75% figure came from interviewing the teens not the parents!

[LettuceMash]

I love the teenage years. The kids are much more interesting and we can talk adults.

It's the hardest because you have to let them go out and trust that they will be ok.

I'd be really worried if they didn't want to go out though, more than if, like one of mine, they go out too much.

[Violetcharlotte]

Tbh I prefer it. I've been a single parent since mine were 4 and 2 and found it incredibly tough and lonely when they were little. Having teens is incredibly frustrating at times (revision, mess and eating habits being the main issues!!) but at least I can have a conversation with them and they do make me laugh. It also means I get time to myself to do what I want to do and can focus on my career again.

I do appreciate though that I'm lucky as I've got a good relationship with mine. I've got friends who are having a horrendous time with their teens.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

I really don't think how well you parent determines how well the teen years turn out. I have a friend, one of two children, she was lovely, her sister was a living nightmare of a teen, into drugs, older men and dropping out of school at 13. Parents lovely (plenty of love, cuddles, boundaries early on) but utterly bewildered.

Adolescence is a hormonal time, of physical bodily changes, and for some, that means predispositions to mental health issues, or eating disorder and so forth come to the fore and become visible, that's incredibly stressful. Its bad enough having a teen with these problems but then people end up piling a whole load of guilt on themselves about could things have been different, what did they do wrong and so on which in the main, in the absence of truly poor parenting, is very little.

I have a preteen and a teen and in the main they are ok, but there are touches of low self-esteem/depressive thinking, slight 'stay in my room and never emerge' behaviour, the odd strop and so on inbetween being really good company. I think my approach is to give a little slack, but I won't be spoken to like shit in my own home, so if there's rudeness, I encourage them to go to their rooms, and if it persists more than a one off/obvious tired/hormonal episode, I just threaten not to take them to clubs/restrict internet use the next week.

This works with them, with a bit of flouncing, but would have been utterly inadequate with my friend's sister who would have just laughed in my face and run away.

I don't think there's a one size fits all way to parent teens, and if you have the (large) minority who are truly struggling with themselves, mental health issues, anger and you feel they are bringing the family and you down with them, you have my sympathy.

[Violetcharlotte]

Four eyes absolutely agree with you that how a teen turns out is not always down to the parenting! A close friend of mine has 3 kids who are 21, 18 and 14, 21 year old and 14 year old are an absolute delight, 18 year old is a horror and has been since she was 13 - getting suspended from school, staying out all night, drinking, smoking weed. They've all been treated the same. A lot of it is hormones, the friends they get in with and their own inherent personality.

[SallyGinnamon]

I'm really loving having teenagers, much to my amazement. I love the conversation and humour. And them doing things for me not just the other way around.

DS was tricky between 10 and 13 but came out the other end. DD is still delightful at nearly 14. When she does get grumpy she apologises later for being a teenager!

Sod's law when DS was12 I was looking forward to him going to Uni. Now I'm dreading it. I'll really miss them both.

[nakedscientist]

lotta mine are the arguers. (Happy are the arguers for they will inherit the earth, due to everyone else covering their ears!)

All of them were "easy", happy go lucky youngsters. We have brought them up gently and liberally. They feel free to express themselves. They do this in spades.

I like the idea that this is a good sign, but it can feel like being constantly hit over the head it a wet towel/fish (delete where appropriate) whilst working, cooking, cleaning and texting "where are you? at 11 pm.

[MissMogwi]

I've mixed feelings about the teen years. I have two daughters aged 15 and almost 13.

Sometimes it's lovely, they're funny and charming and can be a delight. I love how passionate they are about all the injustices in the world and remember feeling the same.

Then other times it can be a nightmare. My eldest especially has been very hard work from almost the minute she turned 13. Issues with social media, boys, friends who are allowed to do whatever they like. We seem to be coming out of it now hopefully, just as the youngest turns 13 😩

[MycatsaPirate]

We went to my sisters yesterday so my teen (18), her cousins (18 and 14) and my youngest (11).

Cousin (18) had a hangover as she'd been out til 5am. 14 year old was stropping because she had broken her phone (again) and her mum refused to just go and buy a new one and my oldest was just moaning about the sun/heat and generally being pretty antisocial.

DD(11) was sat with me, dp, Dsis and bil. She looked over at the other three and rolled her eyes and muttered 'teenagers'.

It was just so perfectly timed.

[Emphasise]

Oh, I'm enjoying my teens, so far, although I am always ready/waiting for it all to go wrong. I have boys, 14 & 16 and whilst the house isn't quite how I'd like it and I've taken to shutting their bedroom doors and pretending I haven't seen it, mostly it's great.

Yes they want freedom to do their own thing, which means we don't do family things as much as we did, but that gives me free time too, which I'm really taking advantage of. I was out with friends in the sunshine all day yesterday while they were out with their own friends doing the same, but then we had a lovely dinner together catching up in the evening. We do still do for days out now and again, into London for example.

I don't know if it's helped or if I've just been lucky (so far) but I have always insisted on the evening meal together at the table and it doesn't seem to have occurred to them to challenge that without prior agreement/arrangement, it's just the way things are.

Also, they (and we) have never had any kind of electronics in the bedrooms, so they're well rested and not dealing with social media issues all night. Again, I expected this to be challenged as they got older, but they do actually seem to understand why the rule makes sense. I don't think the'd admit it, but they know a break from the gadgets makes them feel better and it definitely makes them more pleasant to be around.

There are lots of parenting things I'd do differently if I had my time over, but those are two I got right (IMO)

[DD0314]

I hate the teenage years. Someone took my child and made her an insecure, paranoid emotional roller coaster of a person. They also made her exposed to the nastiness, bitchiest, most vile people of a similar age. I can't wait for her to get through these years and into happier times

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

I'm sitting in a pile of washing on the landing trying not to cry rather than go downstairs and face my 13yo who has already today told me to fuck off, she hates me, she hopes I die

Yes, we've become THAT cliche. Already. Sheesh.

She's been away for the weekend so this is only the first day of the hols I've been with her

Trying not to think of The Fun Times...and telling self have only got 5 days more, then school

Am a sahm and not that long ago I used to be really sad when they went back to school

[saoirse31]

Agree with emphasise, never had any electronics in bedroom, no phones, console, tablet or tv. At 17 that's still the same but its to do with Ds now not me. So certainly starting early with stuff like that is good idea.

[StillMedusa]

I'm out the other side now... no 4 is 20 next week. I will have finally finished parenting teens :)

We are a regular, pretty happy and laid back family. The girls both got a bit stroppy and moody but nothing terrible, and DS2 has autism and has bypassed his teens entirely. But dear GOD DS1 put us through it. From 12 he was a vile, lying, cheating, swearing, weed smoking shite. Punched holes in the walls, stole from us... you name it, he did it. I remember when he was 16, saying that if he carried on we would have to boot him out at 18 for our sanity.
Then at 17 (still at school thankfully) he got a p/t job.. realised he liked earning, stopped nicking money off us, left his lousy friends behind and gradually turned human. He just spent a year in Oz as he met an Ozzie girl over here, and next month she is coming to live with us for 2 years.He's kind, funny, trustworthy, works in special ed and is just the sweet kind person he was before he hit his teens. He says he has no idea why he was so vile, and he is very sorry for what he put us through.
He does still pile up coffee cups and bowls in his room mind... not perfect!

Looking back, the teen years are difficult but also very special.You watch your kids disappear into their teen cocoons and emerge as fabulous adults!

[Sparkygal]

Glad I found this thread as it's comforting to know it's not just us.

Ds (15) is a lovely teen. Funny, bright and kind. He has his moody moments but nothing too bad.
Dd (13) is a different kettle of fish. She is also funny, bright and kind hearted but by god, the moodiness, shouting, disrespectful way she speaks and looks at us, door slamming, pushing, anger, tears ... I could go on.

One minute she is as sweet as anything, next minute a switch is flicked and that's it. Usually it's to do with me asking her to put her phone away to do homework, room, etc.
I have to say, I miss the gorgeous little girl who doted on spending time with me and the laughs we had. Sometimes am in tears (privately) with the way she talks to me or the frequency just gets me down. Also feel like we are drifting apart a bit (probably normal), but feel jealous at some friends who are still so close to their teenage girls. I would love that.

I know she will come out the other end and I need to get on with it meantime, but dreading how much worse it will get before it gets better. (Just having a rant after yet another evening arguement )