Parenting teenagers is grim

[nakedscientist]

Do you feel that all the joy goes out of having a family when they become teenagers? No more outings, the picnics, the craft days, making crappy cakes, cuddles, happy to see you. Then it becomes days of sleepovers, weekovers, boy/girl friends, can I have money/shoes/clothes/tickets/lifts....you dont know anything, your childhood was different/doesn't count/was ancient. Sigh. Bad day. Really bad day.

[lottachocca]

Thethingswedoforlove I think it was more a change of attitude to match the change in the dcs - we were in danger of parenting them as if they were pre teen.
We dropped punishment, although we still have consequences when it feels appropriate. So for example I wouldn't use grounding because it prolongs the bad feeling and I don't think it works. Mistakes made are seen as learning opportunities. We are very open and we talk about everything - even the hard stuff, we try not to shelter them.
Teen relearn how to communicate during the teen years and their primary teachers are their parents, so we are trying to communicate with them, in a way we'd like them to communicate with us and other people.
Learned respect their views and feelings more and try hard not to dismiss them.
Stopped using annoyed voice to get them to do things - it doesn't achieve anything except bad feelings....they feel disrespected and I feel angrier when I let out my annoyance.
Be kinder and encourage kindness.
Dh finds it harder than me - but I keep reminding him, he's on board and accepts that family life has improved enormously but he gets a bit grumpy with them after a 14hours day. I will remind him in front of the dcs, dh and I are a tight unit, the dcs have no hope with devide and conquer.
I don't expect it will always be as uneventful as it is now but I do want to get home life calm and loving regardless of what they are getting up to elsewhere.

[metalmum15]

He's 14 and capable of wiping his own shit off the toilet. ...and breathe! !

^^ This 😂😂

[metalmum15]

sonlypuppyfat Are you breeding Stepford children? !

Your kids sound lovely. I hope mine will be like that at that age, I'm going to miss them so much when they start becoming so much more independent.

I always had a great friendship /relationship with my mum, even in my teen years, and I still do.

[metalmum15]

sonlypuppyfat Are you breeding Stepford children? !

Your kids sound lovely. I hope mine will be like that at that age, I'm going to miss them so much when they start becoming so much more independent.

I always had a great friendship /relationship with my mum, even in my teen years, and I still do.

[nakedscientist]

Theplatypus DS is 9 and soo laid bacj. Just waiting for him to join the fray
Yes, last night my younger two DD 13 and DS 8 were fine. DD has her moments but DS is a magic delight and he is such a contrast to the others it reminds me of how they used to be! He is kind, sweet, helpful, funny, cuddly....
The oldest DS who stormed out is 21!!! (living at home doing a masters).
Lotta Be kinder and encourage kindness.
Dh finds it harder than me - but I keep reminding him
Totally with this philosophy, it was the oldest DS and DH argument that was the worst. Being reasonable in the face of difficult DCs can be so exhausting though! What life is like in just not matching how it should be in my head. What book did you find the best?
This thread has been really uplifting and friendly, thanks.

[sonlypuppyfat]

metalmum I know I'm really lucky they are lovely. I was never very strict or was a pushy mum, but very much parented with lots of cuddles

[lottachocca]

Naked I know this is the most efficient approach but I feel you need to read a few books, maybe not as many as I did but I kept reading until I felt like I had enough - as I was reading the books were training me to alter my thinking very gradually. I took something from all these books and will probably revisit them if things get rough again....they have changed my whole attitude and I do feel a more confident and happier parent as a consequence. I don't necessarily agree with some of the stuff written but I think different bit apply to different kids.
So my reading list!
Teenagers Translated: How to Raise Happy Teen… (Kindle Edition) by Janey Downshire, Naella Grew
How to talk so teens will listen, how to listen so will teens talk
Get out of my life but first take me and alex into town.
Raising emotionally intelligent Teenagers - Parenting with love laughter and limits.
Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings
NurtureShock - New thinking about Children.

[Eolian]

Does anyone have any useful tips for those of us about to embark on the teenage years? I've kind of tried to pre-empt it a bit by talking to dd about some of the feelings and issues that might come up and explaining that it's all a natural part of becoming more independent. I know I can't ward off all possible teenage angst, but I thought it might help to talk about it before she's in the middle of it and can't see what a nightmare she's being.

[Eolian]

Oh- just saw the reading list! Thanks.

[cowgirlsareforever]

I find the teenage years difficult. I think the best advice I could give is to understand what they are going through. Their hormones are all over the place. I can't count how many times my DS has apologised and said he really doesn't know what comes over him when he is so stroppy. Another thing is to make sure they get enough rest. They are exhausted most of the time, which doesn't help their mood. Same with food. Fill them up with the good stuff so they are less tempted to eat crap. They are always starving hungry! Finally choose your battles and try to laugh off as much of the stupid, selfish, entitled stuff they do.

[Desperateforsleepzzzz]

My one bit of advice for parents about to have teenagers is restrict the phone now! I didn't with dd purely because in year 7 and 8 she had no interest in it at all, I had to remind her to take it out with her. By 13 she was glued to it 24/7 and still is now doesn't get enough sleep, drawn into constant dramas on media, distraction from ever moving from her bed etc. As I tried to restrict it as she got older I was constantly met with the "you didn't when I was younger now I'm growing up your getting stricter" argument, she refused to willingly hand it over. If I were to do it again I'd take it away after school till homework was done at least an hour-2 then remove at 9-10 so she slept!

[GetAHaircutCarl]

I have two 17 year olds.

They're pretty easy to be honest. Or perhaps it's more that they comply with the things I'm bothered about. The things I'm not bothered about they can do or not do; doesn't worry me.

So our values and priorities are still in line ( mostly). I don't know if that's luck or genetics or long term allegiance?
I'm also pretty unshockable. They know they can tell me anything.

[mimiasovitch]

I've got to be honest - anything has got to be better than endless sticking and gluing, baking and playing with bloody barbie. I'm not a natural parent when it comes to small people, but having a house full of teens is really fun. Eldest dd is16 and her friends are fab, and I'm hoping that as we've reached 16 she's unlikely to give in to a lot of door slamming drama. Dd13 still has time, so perhaps I'll revise my opinion in a few years.

[Thingsgettingstranger]

The teenage years are the toughest but most rewarding years of parenting I think. Yes, there's swearing, breaking rules, strops & tantrums, arguments and being absolute shits. Yes, there's problems with mental health, finding who they are, school stress and peer pressure. But nothing makes me happier than seeing the amazing people my 2 have grown into. How they've matured and developed into respectable people and how they now have the independence to be confident and make their own choices. Honestly, I would do it again.

[swingofthings]

Does anyone have any useful tips for those of us about to embark on the teenage years?
My advice is -pick your battles, whenever you tell them off for something, make sure you also praise them. Doesn't have to be with immediate effect, but to give an overall sense of fairness. It is sometimes hard to find something to praise them for, so in that case, think of what they believe they deserve praise for!

Overall, do stick to your important principles and don't let them manipulate you that you are being unreasonable/oldfashioned/unfair/mean and definitely don't let their anger dictate your decision. Whatever the rules, follow on your threats if they don't stick to them.

Don't assume that because they don't ask you for a hug/to do something together/to have a conversation etc... and that when you suggest it they act as if they are forced to engage that they don't actually want to do so (this is the part I'm not too good at)

Accept that they will have mood swings, that they will take it out on you, but that it is not aimed at you. That their moods can be affected by events that are meaningless to you (I know not to speak to DS is his football team has lost, I just wait for at least the next day to ask him to pick up his clothes from the floor!).

Do be honest with them about your feelings. They are at an age when they will pick up on things and resent you trying to keep it away from them, however, don't make them feel responsible for how you feel, show them that we all have emotions and we can learn to control them.

Do talk to your friends, it is very reassuring to realise that even the 'good kids' are a pain to their parents!

What I have found the hardest with my kids is their taking everything for granted and showing little gratitude for the things other people do for them. I have had to fight that urge to slap them when they've given me their blaze attitude. One example is having to remind DS to write a thank you card for the 5th time, to be faced with a 'can you get me a pen' and then 'what do I write?'. Grrrr....

I think -do I dare say it!- that DD(17) might be coming out on the other side with her starting to work seeming to have shown her the meaning of gratitude. I had to laugh when she came home one day having a moan about how she really despised people not saying thank you!! She has a few times said thank you to me in a way that has shifted from sounding really appreciative rather than saying it to get me off her back!

[duvetdaisydo]

Does anyone have any useful tips for those of us about to embark on the teenage years?

Try and hold onto your sense of humour, laughter is indeed the best medicine - it bonds and pulls you all together. For the bad times when they are being unlikable - we love bomb - it brings happiness to us all.

[Goingmadmom80]

Feeling your pain nakedscientist. My dd is 14 and I'm feeling so frustrated with her. Has such a bad attitude, no respect for me or her dad. Won't talk to us cause we won't understand. Attitude towards school has changed. Has told her dad tonight she wants to die. I don't know what to do with her?? Feel like I'm failing massively

[mamawoo]

Some nice positive stories here to hold on to! I'm hating the teenage years but do feel the benefit (lay ins, older conversation slightly more freedom no childcare costs!) overall I think they are by far the hardest there's more battles, running around and politics to get your head around than having a toddler.

Ds2 who is 12 nearly 13 spends all his time in his bedroom talking to his friends if I dare ask him to come out and spend time with me and dd8 it's ww3 and full attitude and then arguments with his sister - it's draining. How can you get them to spend time with the rest of the family?!

[LorraLorraLlama]

I hate it at the moment. The padt year has just been so miserable.
I drive around the block a few times or pop to the beach car park on my way home from work most days to delay going home.
Its the Easter holidays tomorrow and i feel sick thst ive only got 3 shifts a week over the Easter break. I just cannot bare to be st home.
My 15yo acts like she despises me. She critises everything i do. The way i breathe, eat, walk or sit even. Other thsn thst she snaps one word yes and nos at me if i try to open up a conversation. If i go onyo her room she shouts at me to get out. She sits for hours in her room sobbing snd crying but wont tell me why. If i dare pull her up on anything she goes wild. Recently dhe dut herself in the bsthroom for 3 hours!
Shes seeing a school counsellor and we are on the 9 to 12 month waiting list for CAHMS. I hsve not sn inkling why she is do disturbed. She wont open up yo me at all.
Its just utter tirture listening to your child you love do much sobbing and not even being able to cuddle her. My mind runs all night most nights with what could have happened to mske her like this. Im so do worried for her.
I feel an utter failure and wonder what the hell i did so wrong.
The worst thing is there is no getting away from the situation. I cant walk out on her like i could any other shitty relationship. I cant escape. I cant see an end to this and fear what every day holds.
.

[nakedscientist]

lotta I have bought "Get out of my life but first take me and alex into town. And Raising Healthy teenagers
I have read the How to talk series before, but for kids, so I will look at that one later. I like the idea of reading lots of books until you feel different! I have always tended to read one book as a last resort. I loved"toddler taming" it was my bible for my oldest.
I do love my teens but they are very hard work emotionally sort of impenetrable with very black and white views. Needy but aloof. Someone once said Young kids are dogs and teens are cats!

[nakedscientist]

Lorra that sound really hard. I hope you can get the help you need and you are not a failure.

[nakedscientist]

And going how sad to hear. Are the Samaritans or childline helpful for parents?

[EmeraldIsle100]

NakedScientist, sadly I have to agree, grim, frightening and extremely tough. I am gritting my teeth and hoping I last another 3/4 years and can then get some semblance of my life back.

They are lovely but have experienced a raft of problems, moved schools a lot, been arrested, taken drugs, and most frightening of all one of them is experiencing mental health and is in hospital. I am really trying to stay optimistic but deep down I am really scared for her. I look back on the baby years as being the halcyon days. Fingers crossed we get through it.

[RubyRedRuby]

Oh gawd yes, agree with whoever said about the phones. Making a million mistakes with ours but one thing I am soooo glad we did was say phones/iPads charge downstairs overnight. Means that when they go to their rooms at bed time they are safe and away from all the online drama or gaming. Since it's been a rule from the very first time they got a phone there's never any arguing about it (well so far!)

Honestly I think they are glad of the break. Dd was banned from instagram for a bit (for a specific reason which I won't go into) and dh and I noticed she was visibly more relaxed without it. Not that instagram is particularly terrible, it's just so constant.