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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Parenting teenagers is grim

100 replies

nakedscientist · 04/04/2017 18:27

Do you feel that all the joy goes out of having a family when they become teenagers? No more outings, the picnics, the craft days, making crappy cakes, cuddles, happy to see you. Then it becomes days of sleepovers, weekovers, boy/girl friends, can I have money/shoes/clothes/tickets/lifts....you dont know anything, your childhood was different/doesn't count/was ancient. Sigh. Bad day. Really bad day.

OP posts:

lottachocca · 04/04/2017 20:21

While the stage can be absolutely awful, it's not everyone who goes through it. I was an awful teen compared to my siblings but actually not too bad...dh was the perfect teen, my fingers were firmly crossed that my dcs would follow him.

ignoringthechoc · 04/04/2017 20:24

Someone up thread mentioned the good times outweighing the bad and I do agree with that as they can be absolutely lovely but they are so complex at this age. Add to the mix that we lost their dad a year ago and its hard to know if its just teenage stuff or that. I have been rubbish at boundries for the last year which I may be paying for a bit now but had no choice really as couldnt tell them off for getting angry etc. Good luck to everyone else dealing with a stroppy teen!

lottachocca · 04/04/2017 20:27

ignoringthechoc So sorry for your loss. It's such a tough time for a child to lose a loved one...kindness is what is needed, for a long time.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/04/2017 20:42

sonlypuppyfat - that would worry me just as much as teens going out too much.

lottachocca · 04/04/2017 20:46

sonlypuppyfat - that would worry me just as much as teens going out too much. I agree to an extent, we are all different, all have different interests etc. Depends on the reason for not going out but it's not a "good" thing to not socialise.

ignoringthechoc · 04/04/2017 20:55

Thanks Lotta we are getting there despite the many dramas over homework not done or hair not going right! Everyone family has their own struggles, I try to appreciate the good days and even at their worst my 2 are amazing and make me very proud. (Although they can frustrate the hell out of me!)

Original poster

nakedscientist · 04/04/2017 21:56

ignoringthechoc very sorry to hear that you lost your DH. That is hard.

It is really difficult not to blame yourself when they are horrible but also easy to feel sorry for yourself. Teens are just soooo self absorbed. And they know everything. I did home made pizza ( after work) from scratch and then just sat there on my own with everyone stormed off/out. That's when I started this thread.

Gone to bed now with tea and MN!

OP posts:

ignoringthechoc · 04/04/2017 22:06

Thanks, didnt mean to make this about me! Does always seem worse when you have made a special effort. Tea andd MN in bed sounds good, im watching Catastrophe for the same reason I love the Middle, makes my family seem less dysfunctional!

BackforGood · 04/04/2017 22:14

Agree with Cooroo and. Crumbs.
Fair play if you've had a bad day and want a moan, but lots will read this thread and start dreading the teen years.
I LOVE the teenage years.
You get lie-ins back. You get to see all the hard work you put in when they were little coming to fruition. You see these awkward youngsters maturing into young adults you can be really proud of. You can have really good discussions with them. They can help you reach things you can't. You can laugh together. You can have discussions about politics and food and films and news items. They even come out the other side and begin to allow themselves to be seen out with you. When they are annoying you, you can walk away and leave them where they are. You can just go out without them and without arranging childcare. There are hundreds of reasons why it is lovely having teens.

lottachocca · 04/04/2017 22:14

nakedscientist I have a history of being a bit touchy when my food is not given full respect and appreciation, maybe I'm a bit over invested in this area....dh is still suffering from suggesting something I made 12 years ago was almost as good as his favourite brand - he is very, very sorry he ever said anything - but he's never dared to repeat the mistake.

Brighteyes27 · 04/04/2017 22:21

Blimey op et al this thread has cheered me up. So it's not just us whose household is in disarray and have a battle over homework picking dirty washing up etc.
We are only just on the cusp of it Ds is 13 v bright but being a lazy x at school, disrespectful to DH and me surly moody argumentative even tearful then he's occasionally singing and wanting a cuddle...what's all that about make PMT??!!??
DD 12 having a few friendship issues some of her peers all desperate to be in the popular clique at all costs behaving like unruly 16/18 year olds having boyfriends in their bedrooms kissing and touching one another at school, watching fights after school, stealing money off parents. I am pleased DD is still young for her age (but blimey she certainly doesn't look it) glad she doesn't want to get involved in this or the popular clique. Hope it lasts.

corythatwas · 04/04/2017 22:32

To me, it's the best bit, the compensation for the tough times we went through before. But then I was never any good at crafts anyway.

girlandboy · 04/04/2017 22:33

I hate the teenage years.
Idle
Lazy
Argumentative
Entitled
Stubborn
Rude
Frustrating
Selfish

DD wasn't too bad. She's 21 now and is lovely.
DS is 16 and it's completely down to him that I'm on anti-depressants for stress and anxiety. I honestly would like to run away and come back in about 5 years time.

marl · 04/04/2017 22:47

Yep, struggling here too with DS's sense of entitlement, physical space dominance and endless arguments. I am tired...very tired, and with two much younger DCs, plus his stepfather finding it difficult, it's not proving a joyful period for me either. Meeting teens' needs alongside those of much younger siblings is much more complex that I would have anticipated years ago and there seems to be strange alpha male stuff going on in the household between DP and DS1 that I don't feel willing to mediate. I'm not looking forward to school hols next week.

Thethingswedoforlove · 04/04/2017 22:47

Lottachocca: very interested to know what your new parenting approach was that has led to much more success with your teen dcs?

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 04/04/2017 22:51

personally whilst others might have positive experiences with their teenagers I don't . Dd was delightful till around 13 and has been hell bent on utter destruction since so I'd rather have the sleepless nights with a baby, did the lie in. Now your only awake worrying about their whereabouts all night , find teenage years way more challenging than babies or toddlers!

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 04/04/2017 22:56

And I'd have more chance getting dd to walk over hot coals than visit an art gallery or discuss politics.

SaucySusanVsNormalSusan · 04/04/2017 22:59

Despairing of mine at the moment. ASD, anxiety and OCD and probably not going to be able to cope with taking GCSEs next month. He dropped out of school a year ago and had to be tutored privately. Off the scale clever and constantly argumentative, unhygienic and oppositional. I'm worn down.

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 04/04/2017 23:08

Same as my dd saucy, plus ADHD . She is in a specialist school for children with behavioural difficulties. She has 0 interest in GCSEs and walked out of every exam within 2 minutes despite being told this would lead to an instant disqualification. I hired a tutor who quit quickly followed by 3 others who quit after a maximum of 3 visits.

Brighteyes27 · 04/04/2017 23:51

Maybe the ones with great experiences of teens are viewing it through rose tinted glasses or are thinking back to latter teenage years so those of us with younger teens may still turn out ok.....please give me some hope?
Yes the entitlement and total lack of respect know it all gratitude..................unbelievable. If anyone had told me my cute PFB baby boy would turn into this I would never have believed them and might have been tempted to leave him in the bulrushes.

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 05/04/2017 00:11

😂 I love that! Yes not all have a terrible teenage time others do in a major way ! I have friends who have angelic really hard working teenagers with no issues at all and a couple in same teenage hell boat as me!

Itmustbemyage · 05/04/2017 00:32

Oldest DS mostly moved into his bedroom aged 13 and lived amongst piles of clothes / dirty dishes totally unmotivated barely passed any exams. He's great now and we have a really good relationship.
Our youngest DS with ADHD( major ODD) combined with teenage hormones almost broke DH and I. He's 17 now and honestly i can't wait for him to leave home.
to other parents going through similar.

faithinthesound · 05/04/2017 00:59

re: dinner
My mother had a system whereby each morning she would ask me if I was going to be home for dinner.

If I said no, that was fine - she wouldn't cook for me, I wouldn't have any sort of curfew, the only rule was that I didn't wake people when I eventually got home and I was to sort my own dinner because there wouldn't be any waiting for me (and by "not waking people" that meant I wasn't allowed to clatter about the kitchen making my own when I had opted out of eating at home).

If I said yes, then I had better be through the door by five, because we ate around then (were always an early eating family, that's just how we were) and if she cooked for me I was not allowed to waste it.

I don't know how permissive or unrealistic that might be for your situation, but might save some wasted dinners (and hurt feelings) if you implement a system like that?

BlueChairs · 05/04/2017 01:33

I despised my teenage years and it was the worst time of my life from 13-17 and I took it out on my mum but she wasn't good at handling it. To all those saying how awful it is please remember that your kids could be in hell as well.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 05/04/2017 01:44

I still have my diary from age 14-15. Read it when I was in my 20s and phoned my mum to apologise for being 14!

I have a 13 yo dd, who is actually fairly sensible, but we do have odd stamping of feet and humphing, oh and eye rolling. Dd2 is 11 and worse! She is an emotional rollercoaster! We talk, we fall out, they fall out, DH gets mad at them....We talk some more, fall back in, they have screaming fits, they fall out more....DS is 9 and soo laid bacj. Just waiting for him to join the fray

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