15 yr old dd wants the Pill :/

[greenwool]

(Name changed for this one.) Dd2 (15) has a boyfriend of the same age, who she's been going out with for nearly a year. I am/was sure that so far they hadn't had sex. They have very little time together outside of school, apart from visits to each other's houses. These only happen when parents are in the house, so are well supervised - or at least they are at my house. However, I suspect her Dad may be less vigilant when she's there. Also, I always thought they were supervised at the BF's house. But yesterday she went there: his parents were in, so I assumed they'd keep an eye as I know they're quite strict. She came home with her top inside out . I'm not 100% sure she didn't go out with it like that, but it has left me wondering just how much they get left to their own devices.

I've tried talking to dd2, without actually mentioning the top as she'd be mortified and clam up. She swears blind that they've never even kissed, which tbh just increases my suspicion. It occurs to me that for her past couple of periods she's been (IMO) exaggerating the pain she was suffering, and complaining bitterly about 'acne' that is in fact only a couple of spots. She has asked me if I'll take her to the GP for the Pill. Her older sister has been on the Pill since age 14 for severe period pain (of the grey-faced, vomiting sort) and a very bad case of acne, so dd knows that this is a possibility. I'm wondering whether she is in fact planning to use it for contraception.

Although I plan to make sure she and BF are much better supervised in future, and do all I can to prevent them having sex, I simply can't control things all the time. I'd like to get her on the Pill to avoid any chance of pregnancy.

But as she swears blind it's for period pains, I'm wondering how this would work. When I first took dd1 to the GP for her pain, he prescribed stronger painkillers first, and only prescribed the Pill when those didn't work. As I'm pretty sure she doesn't want it for periods at all, would it be best to just ask for the Pill? Or even slip a note to the GP saying that I'm pretty sure she wants it for contraception? What would the legality be of that, given her age? She has anxiety issues and there's no way she'd go to the GP on her own.

[Isadora2007]

The fact you feel she is a vulnerable teen is worrying. Do you feel she could cope with the intensity of a sexual relationship?

[KoolKoala07]

I would sit down with her and have an honest chat. It's not ideal going to the doctors and lying as she could be prescribed something unnecessary that she doesn't need to be taking (painkillers).
Can't you just say something along the lines of 'you and x have been seeing each other for sometime now, i'd like to make sure you're being safe, how about we see the gp to look at some contraception options?'
I'm sure you've probably thought about it but pregnancy isn't the only thing she's at risk of, mention the importance of protecting against sti's aswell.

[BellewStreet]

Sex is a wonderful thing with the right person. greenwool no body likes to be questioned or challenged but don't back away. At her age she may have a new love every 6 months or he may be a keeper. This conversation may need to rise it's head quite a bit if she stays under your roof?!

[finnmcool]

What has her sex education been like at home?
Have you had honest conversations about mutual trust/ respect / emotional impact etc?? (aside from the biology aspect)
You don't need to confront her, just have an open honest chat if possible.
A young girl I used to work with couldn't cope with 'serious' conversations. She would open up when I had her busy slicing vegetables etc/ preparing food.
She didn't have to make eye contact, we both seemed focused on something else and she could walk away (to the sink/ fridge/ cooker) if it all got too much for her.
Maybe it's worth a try?

[greenwool]

it does sound like you're a little uptight about things which indicates quite a high level of control... and this is her life and her body. Does she feel like you respect that? Or that you'd ground her if you knew?

We do have frank discussions about sex in general, and in that respect I
don't feel we're uptight at all. She knows I wouldn't ground her. She also knows that I was sexually active at 14 and don't regret it. But she still point-blank refuses to say that she personally might ever want to have sex.

I'll admit to being 'uptight', although I'd call it worried, about her mental state. We have had a very traumatic couple of years. You do end up a bit 'controlling' after a long time being terrified of a closed bathroom door, and having been advised that we have to be vigilant of changes in mood and behaviour. Mea culpa

[frenchfancy]

Rather than the GP I would recommend going to the family planning clinic. They are used to dealing with teens and they can advise on the MH side of things.

[MuffinMaiden]

Possibly take her to the GP, then ask if she'd like to discuss her "symptoms" privately after you've opened with requesting the pill, give her the opportunity to talk about it alone if she wants, but making sure she's at least already there if she's too nervous. Give the GP a knowing look.

[greenwool]

The idea of taking her in and then leaving her alone for a few minutes with the GP is a good one - thank you! If I get our regular GP he's actually used to this, as some of her MH issues she prefers to discuss without me in the room.

[RyanStartedTheFire]

As a previous self harming, anxious teen, I'd be furious with you for leaving me alone in the doctors surgery. Go with her, support her, don't randomly up and leave! (I'm sure you know this.)

[greenwool]

Do you feel she could cope with the intensity of a sexual relationship?

I'm really not sure. It's much more than the physical side of it - there's a whole emotional aspect that I'm not sure she could deal with. On the other hand, she's been with the guy for a year and it's a very sweet, mutually-besotted relationship. If her first experience is with him it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

[greenwool]

Ryan, I hear you but in dd2's case she sometimes prefers it that way, which is why I think it's a good idea. What she couldn't deal with would be making the appointment and actually going in on her own. Also, I'd make sure she'd agreed in advance to me going out .

[RyanStartedTheFire]

Apologies greenwool I cross posted, obviously you know DD better than I do! You sound like you're doing great with it.

[greenwool]

Thanks, Ryan. As your own experience may have told you, we question ourselves constantly. I hope you're better these days.

I initially thought the MH issues weren't relevant in this instance, but in fact I see that it's another example of how we have to be extra careful with dd2 and avoid just wading in there. I know that honesty in families is ideal, but it often feels like in our family we don't always have that luxury.

[blessedmummyov5]

If she clams up then Txt her saying u won't b angry you just want wats best for her and you know it's embarrassing to talk about , I sat my mum and dad down at 14 and told them I'd made an app with doc to get the pill that I wasn't sexually active yet but that I was thinking for the future I'd been with my boyfriend a year by then , they both thanked me for my honesty and told me they were glad I was thinking ahead and being responsible , I then told the doc the same thing I was preparing for the future and was given it no problem , she needs to be honest as there are risks involved with taking the pill and it may not be best for her needs if it's contraception she is looking for or mayb say to her well I'm glad you brought it up I was going to suggest contraception now ur in a long term relationship and ur nearly 16 for the future all she has to do is nod then no awkward convo

[greenwool]

Thanks, blessed. Something like that might be a good compromise. It sounds like you were a very sensible and mature 14 yr old .

I honestly know that I'm coming across as a bit wet here. I'm not naturally that sort of person/parent at all, and certainly wasn't with dd1. The circumstances/experience with dd2, however, have made me that way as I've had to tread so carefully for so long.

[Freddorika]

I'd worry that she wouldn't take it properly, also that it would not help her anxiety. I think it's sad that you can't talk openly about it. I would have to, bollocks to it being triggering in some way.

[Freddorika]

I'd say if you aren't mature enough to have a sensible discussion about it the you aren't mature enough to be having a sexual relationship

[SuperBeagle]

You take her to the appointment, but wait outside while she's in with the doctor? There's no need for her to go it completely alone, but, equally, there's no need for you to be in the room when she's discussing the pill with the doctor. If she's mature enough to be having sex, she's mature enough to deal with the conversation with a professional on her own.

[blessedmummyov5]

My dad worked with young people with complex need and teen mums so I was lucky enough that we were very open about sex and the consequences , in fact looking back my parents were pretty cool about the whole thing I really hope my kids will b the same with me , but as u say ur daughter has mh issues so going about it in a way as not to make her anxious Is tuff but I really think just laying it on the table and getting the convo over with will probably be a big weight off her shoulders x

[seven201]

If it were me I'd ring the gp surgery in advance of the appointment and explain that you think dd wants the pill for contraception rather than period pain but is too embarrassed. They may then not try and force other period pain solutions as much as they might have but give her the option to go for the pill if she wishes.

[ChocolateFuzz]

In your situation I would recomend to her that she go on the pill for the pain although I would be a little concerned, if the relationship does turn sexual that would mean in about two years she would be breaking the law, obviously it's very unlikely anyone would ever find out but it would worry me.

[greenwool]

seven, that's one option I'd considered, but I wasn't sure whether that would raise some sort of legal or child protection issue, where I'd be seen as condoning my underage dd having sex. I already feel as if my parenting is under the microscope due to dd2's issues. Over the past two years, with the various ordinary issues that arise with teenagers (screentime, bedtime, homework, etc.), I've tried every approach between kid gloves and the "bollocks to the triggering" attitude that Freddorika suggested and these days am very averse to any sort of conflict. I've seen threads here started by the mothers of grown women who lie about the house refusing to work, but the mums feel powerless to do anything other than run around after them because they have MH issues and the mums are terrified of 'causing' self harm/overdose by challenging them in any way. I absolutely see how that situation can come about.

[TheEdgeofSeventeen]

It doesn't matter if it's for contraception at any age - the only reason they'd question it is if she were very very young and they questioned whether there was abuse. She could go in and get it by herself TBH so at least she's asked you :) I went on the pill at 15 and most of my friends were already on it x

[greenwool]

Thanks, TheEdge. I wasn't sure how that sort of thing worked legally. There isn't an abuse/grooming issue as her BF is a similar age (a month or so younger).

[Isadora2007]

One thing that leaps out at me is your obvious concern for your daughter... and that's really good. Just be careful that your concern- understandable though it is- doesn't keep you from parenting her. You must acknowledge that she has the power and the control to choose to self harm or not to. Yes it can be very hard for her and yes she needs to feel she has other options and not to feel backed into a corner etc...BUT she doesn't need handled with kid gloves as she will then feel that you think she is incapable of handling life and then she believes it too. Does that make sense? It's like the feel the fear and do it anyway concept. You acknowledge that this discussion could have difficult feelings associated with it and agree on the walk away point or a safe word to take a breather... but then you have the discussions. Then she sees life didn't fall apart, that she has other outlets for her difficult feelings that they can't always win... and she grows.
Does she have any option or opportunity to take drama at school? I firmly believe this was the turning point for my dd who had severe anxiety and a below 80% attendance age 13... drama turned her life around. She has a waitressing job age 16 now and is managing her school and work and social life wonderfully.