My 16 year old DD does not want anything to with me and my family anymore

[Sunflower444]

My DD decided last year after her 16th that she no longer wanted anything to do with myself, my DH and her half siblings. I split with her Dad many years ago and we had shared custody of her for over 13 years, she along with her older sister (who went to Uni 2 months before she left) stayed at his 2/3 times a week, with no problems. We have always been amicable and went to parents evenings together and spoke to each if there were any problems.
She and I always had a great relationship and chatted daily, she also got on well with her stepdad. She has never been particularly bothered about her siblings who are 7/8 years younger, she sort of tolerated them! All have them have been treated by myself and my DH exactly the same.
One thing she disliked is the fact we like to socialise (mainly in the summer at our local cricket club), she has always been a bit socially awkward so we never forced her to go with us and usually went on nights she was with her Dad, but the times we did take her she scowled the whole time until we eventually gave in and went home. She thinks all the people in our local pub are beneath her and often called them names, they are really great friends and neighbours, (her Dad is a bit of a snob, and has always been a bit up him self). I like to have a glass of wine, and have occasionally had one too many, but she seems to think I should NEVER drink (does not help her stepmum is teetotal, and the fact her step sister hates alcohol) her Dad likes a drink!!
Anyway 2 nights after her 16th, my DH and I were in the local pub, I got back about 7.30, my husband got back about half an hour later and we had a disagreement, he did go mad (never seen him do it before and has not done it since) anyway she called her Dad and he collected her and she has not stayed here since, it has been 333 days. I have seen her since about once a month on average either by going for a walk, or shopping, or for lunch or round for tea for a catch up, she has been to see her brother and sister about 4 times in all that time. We had a chat but she cannot tell me why she wants nothing to do with us anymore I feel like we are not good enough for her. In Jan she had a bit of a breakdown and was signed off school for 2 weeks and had to take anti anxiety pills (apparently she was getting pressure at school about her GCSE's). A couple of weeks later she announced she was Bi, which is not a problem. Anyway since the summer contact has been getting worse, and her texts (which is the way she communicates) asking when did I want to see her next, I feel like I am forcing her to come, so told her that she should feel like she wants to see us and not to feel obliged she has to, since then I have heard nothing, I have sent a couple of texts telling her I am there for her, and her school report was excellent and well done when she got an award. Her texts are not very personal and not loving. I am absolutely devastated and finding it all very hard to cope with. I have tried not to pressure or pester her, but I am feeling I have lost her and ache for the relationship we had. I spoke to her sister about it and they do not get on well at the moment, and she said that her sister spends most of the time in her bedroom at his house, she use to tell me she did not get on particularly well with her stepmum, although it was not a dislike or anything. Her own Dad has never told them he loves them and hardly ever hugs them, whereas we are totally different and hug lots and show love. I am not sure what to do, I feel desperate, my DH is livid with her for the stress she is putting me through.

[Sunflower444]

catthiefkeith, you make a very valid point there, will try a bit more contact and see how it goes.

Saltedcaramel, yes she is not social at all, my husband and my younger kids are very social (I have my moments), never really thought of that a very good point, thanks!

MrsJayy, will keep telling her I love her and I am there for her, thanks for your reply.

[Saltedcaramel2016]

Maybe she feels pressure in your home to be more sociable than she would like so it taking the 'easy' option by staying at her Dad's where no demands are made on her socially or even to interact much. So even though her father doesn't sound particularly loving, that may suit her at the moment.

Hopefully things will resolve soon. It sounds like she is going through a tough time with anxiety and coming out as bi so might just need a bit of space.

[CatThiefKeith]

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think the 'do you want to see me?' Is your dd reaching out.

You seem to have left the ball very much in her court, but is she mature enough to appreciate that or does she need you to chase her a bit more? 'Prove' you love her as it were?

I'd push for a little more contact, ring her for a chat once a week and see how that is received I think

[MrsJayy]

I know she doesn't live with you so its different but in my limited experience of 16 yr olds they can be distant and not want to hang around with parents as much, but this must be really difficult for you because you are not seeing her daily even if it is to hear her grunt.
1 of my Dds hardly broke breath with us when she was that age it was a difficult few years she is out the other end thankfully maybe your daughter is just needing some space keep doing what you are doing though

[Sunflower444]

Redken 24, no, she only babysat for us a handful of times when we popped to the pub, the younger ones always came with us to the cricket club, because they play in the junior section and all their friends go (she never wanted to come so we hardly ever made her). Mainly it was the elder sister that did it anyway the few times we did go (she is now 19), so we never just left her, the latest we got back was 9 anyway so was not as if it was all night.

[Sunflower444]

Very true, and I, as you say, do know this, but it is heart breaking...thanks anyway.

[Redken24]

Hi - when you went out to cricket or pub, was your DD babysitting alot?

[lljkk]

"If you love somebody, set them free..." which you know already.

[Sunflower444]

Hi llijkk, thanks for your comments.

We probably went to the pub once a week (and that is only as she got older), the cricket club is mainly because my DH and I coach the Junior section.

I did have daily chats with her and our communication was very good, which is why I am at a loss to why it went so wrong, our relationship was good, she told me everything, bless her, which was more thank her older sister did, although we chat now!

I have over the last year taken her shopping, out for lunch, gone for a bike ride, and for walks, she has been to tea a few times etc and when we do that it is all good we have a good chat and has always ended well, I usually leave it by saying text me when you want to do it again, and then it can get left for 2-3 weeks so usually send a hello and she then says do you want to see me, I was told by some who have experienced similar to not to pester her and let it be driven by her.We did talk about the night, but do not want to drag that up again.

[lljkk]

She is 16, you can't take her company for granted.
You choose to go to the pub (regularly). And it's good you have your own life, but...

Teens like to come interact with their adults in tiny bursts, and unplanned moments, when they get the sudden impulse to tell you what's on their mind or demand 2 minutes of attn. That's not easy when you're down the pub.

On top of that, when you did make yourself available, someone started angry shouting & she still had no chance to get your attn.

I'm not saying she's right or your wrong, but I understand why she feels like she doesn't see the point in bothering.

Can you spend money on her... take her to a cafe for nice cakes, help her shop for friend's birthday present? Drive her somewhere? Create the moments for you to listen.

[Sunflower444]

Going mad should have read was shouting, we could not find the car/house keys, he over reacted, once calm he did apologise, this was totally out of character and shocked us all at the time (she has since said this had nothing to do with it as was worried at the time).

[Woollymammoth63]

Was just wondering what you meant when you said your husband ' went mad' when all this began.

[Sunflower444]

Thanks MrsJayy. Yes she does often come across rude (as did her Dad, don't get me wrong he is a good guy, just always thought he was better than anyone else) not even sure why he was with me so long!!!Miss her so much, but after I sent the first message spoke to my GP who has set me up with a healthy minds referral as it is impacting on my life (this is nearly a year in). grateful for the replies.

[MrsJayy]

That is a real shame for both of you maybe the whole family thing is to overwhelming for her some kids can be really awkward and this came over as rudeness what she was saying about your friends no excuse though but she is 16 and they say stupid stuff sometimes.
. Keep up the texts offer to meet her and just keep her in your life even if its by text atm good luck you must be feeling awful not seeing her

[Sunflower444]

Thanks Dreamfrog. I have done that a couple of times, when she was struggling with anxiety I sent her a ring saying breathe, and bought her a few gifts from holiday, but will put some thought into some other small gifts for her. Thanks for that advice, and will ask if she wants to meet for lunch, funnily enough the last text she sent was saying she was busy with school work and could not make it, so told her that she should not feel obliged she has to see me, but to come when shes wants to see us and has time. I wont give up, she is a lovely girl and I miss her massively x

[Dreamfrog]

This must feel so awful. Keep texting her, send her stuff like a magazine or a lip stick or some pocket money every so often. Just different keeping in touch tokens.
Sometimes it's hard to admit you would like to do something. So don't wait for her to ask you to meet up perhaps once a month tell her a time and place. If she doesn't turn up send her a text just saying sorry you couldn't make it. Perhaps next month. And some xxx.
Can you talk to your ex. Would you be able to pop to his for a cuppa. Don't give up. She will come back to you 💐