Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2 3 4

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DSD wanting to 'come out' as trans is destroying our relationship ...

93 replies

steppinstone · 20/09/2016 13:55

DSD is 18 and for the last year has been saying she is 'trans'.

CAMHS have been no help - although she is on their caseload but 'held' until she has been to the gender clinic (current waiting times nearly two years). They have said this is not a mental health issue but a physical health issue. So no counselling, despite previous issues with anxiety/eating disorders/self-harm/possible ASD type behaviour. We have offered to pay for therapy and tried to persuade her to attend family therapy with us but she has completely refused and said there is nothing to talk about.

We have largely told DSD that we love her but we cannot take this seriously. She was always quite happy with typical girls' clothes/presentation and only ever mentioned gender issues after she joined a LGBT teen club (saying she was bisexual at the time).

Now she is saying she wants to come out to the whole family and wants top surgery/hormones and change her name.

This is destroying our relationship with her because it's ridiculous. She has two younger siblings (also girls) and they spend all their time doing 'girlie things' together (hairdressing, make up, singing) and DSD has never, ever, exhibited anything like 'boyish' behaviour - and she still doesn't.

I don't know how we deal with this without it destroying our relationship with her. Things are so tense at home now. DH is largely baffled and also really embarassed about it. We really don't want to 'tell the family' because she is and always has been very feminine that the narrative is just laughable.

We are veering between being cross and just burying our heads in the sand. We want it all to go away. How do we cope with this without completely losing her? Where do we even begin?

OP posts:

Report

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 21:44

WinchesterWoman Perhaps I have better uses of my time than explaining a concept that is pretty simple, even though I've attempted to explain it twice.

museumum · 20/09/2016 21:45

OP - I really feel for you. I strongly believe we are all "non binary" gender because the alternative seems to me to imply conforming to narrow gender stereotypes. I don't "feel" like a woman and I've no idea what feeling like a man might be.
Therefore I would struggle if my child wanted to "transition" gender and I'd be terrified for their health if they wanted to try to transition sex (as much as anyone can).
If I understand it correctly your dsd wants to be called a male name but continue to dress in a feminine way? I think you have to talk and listen and if you're sure she won't do herself any physical damage then agree to call her whatever she wants to be called. If it makes her/him feel happier. But I'd be very clear about drawing a line that does not support any physical/medical/pharmaceutical intervention.

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 21:45

Audrey I do think you are rather confused.

AdaLovelacesCat · 20/09/2016 21:45

"why on earth would anyone choose to be transgender, when surely being cisgendered is the easier path?"

what is 'cisgendered' please?

Shall I tell you why? to get attention like Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner. He saw his female relatives getting lots of attention and thought he would like some of the action. Please do NOT tell me that Bruce Jenner was a 'woman trapped in a mans body' because that would be pure bollocks (if you will excuse the expression).

Or like the boy at our local school who has decided that he is now a girl and then a whole film crew came to the school forcing all the other pupils at the prom to be filmed as well while he pranced about in a frock, lapping up the attention without any thought at all for his fellow pupils, who might not actually have wanted to be filmed. at all.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 21:45

It's as simple as allowing the person to identify as whatever they want to identify as, it's not up to any of you to decide how the OP's child lives their life.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 21:46

Oh Audrey, you're so wrong.

Veggiemomma · 20/09/2016 21:47

Oh I can so sympathise with you. My D has decided she is trans,also after being heavily involved with a group at college. She has previously come out as gay which was no surprise. But this,after no previous "signs",she was always a girly girl. I agree with other posters- it is trendy to label yourself these days.
I let her cut her hair, call herself by a masculine name (which she keeps changing btw )and hope she finds the strength to be herself because I know she isn't acting herself right now. It's a form of rebellion and that's how I'm dealing with it.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 21:49

AdaLovelacesCat
A cisgendered person is someone who identifies as the gender they were assigned to at birth.

I'm not sure why a regular transgender person, who wasn't in the limelight, would want "attention" since usually this "attention" is in the form of bullying? And I'm not about to use the Kardashian/Jenner family as an example in this topic.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 21:49

Bruce Jenner was a fugly creepshow of a man with a ruined face and body, in the shadow of all the women in his family, who killed a woman through dangerous driving.
He underwent a huge amount of risky surgery, bought some expensive wigs, underwear and a very skilled makeup artist and woohoo! Bruce is forgotten and the butterfly Caitlin emerges! No longer a fugly creep of a woman killer, but now the centre of attention and adoration! No longer overshadowed by the glamorous women of the family but now one himself! Woman of the year no less!
No, I can't see why anyone would choose to be transgender

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 21:51

MephistoMarley
Nobody choses to be transgender. Why would a regular person choose to be belittled by people like you. Transgender celebrities are not good examples of what it is like to be transgender.

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 21:52

Cis can just go away. Cis is nothing.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 21:55

It has to be said, that in my personal opinion I don't believe in the concept of gender. But my argument is that, if the OP's child finds identity in a gender, then that is their right. And I think this thread has gone past helping a mother and her child, so I'm going to leave and I hope the OP has learnt something from this.

AdaLovelacesCat · 20/09/2016 21:57

" since usually this "attention" is in the form of bullying? "

not these days, my 17 year old son thinks that attitudes have changed even in the last five years and people can be who they like. Which is a good thing right?
however I am not a 'cisgendered person' I am a woman, thanks.

AdaLovelacesCat · 20/09/2016 21:59

Yes Audrey they DO choose, these days. Perhaps you are quite old and not 'down with the kids'.. but 'gay' and 'trans' have become non bullying issues. Therefore I deduce that people do it for attention.

Felascloak · 20/09/2016 22:02

audrey how do you think coming on here and starting a trans bunfight by calling OP a bigot is helping? Please go away or start another thread.

op I hope you are still here. You might find the 4th wave now blog helpful. I can't believe any parent in this situation wouldn't struggle with it.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Felascloak · 20/09/2016 22:04

Really want an eye roll emoticon here.

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 22:06

Audrey: While 'transphobic hate crime' rose 44 per cent, there's been a FOUR FOLD increase in the number of children referred to gender clinics. That means a reduction in the rate of crime against transgender people. Do you understand that?

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 22:07

Well since you said that gay and transgendered bullying issues isn't a thing anymore have some more facts:
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/figures-reveal-a-shocking-rise-in-homophobic-hate-crimes-a6692991.html
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/06/16/us/hate-crimes-against-lgbt.html?_r=0
76crimes.com/100s-die-in-homophobic-anti-gay-attacks-statistics-updates/

There's more, go do some research. Oh and remember that tragedy like just last month that was specifically on gay people? Yeah me too.

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 22:08

you are a cisgendered person, because that's what the word means, thanks

No. Wrong.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 22:09

Winchester, just because some people are becoming more accepting of it doesn't mean the hate crime is going down. Do you get that?

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 22:09

If this muddy understanding of the subject is widespread it's no wonder the Borg has taken such a hold.

audreyharley · 20/09/2016 22:11

Anyway, as I said, this isn't an argument thread. Goodluck OP I hope you choose to be supportive to your son.

WinchesterWoman · 20/09/2016 22:11

God.

If there are four times more transgender people but only half as much again 'transphobic crime' then the rate of crime against transgender people has gone down.

Flaming Nora.

Nakupenda · 20/09/2016 22:11

Haven't RTFT as I've read enough on this topic today.

All I'll say is you absolutely will lose her if you don't start supporting her and helping her through whatever this is, whether she is genuinely going to transition or whether she just needs some time to explore her options and figure things out.
You're being a truly crap parent right now by finding her struggle laughable & no matter what path she goes down she'll never forget it/

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.