Teens having sex - how did you react?

[Myhairisturninggrey]

Dd is nearly 17 and has just started having sex with her bf. They've been friends quite a while but only started going out about a month ago. They know all about being safe etc, we've had that conversation already so that bit is sorted, I hope.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all. How should I deal with it.

[picklypopcorn]

Just from the perspective of a 25 year old who was the 17yo in this situation a few years ago:

Met my STBDH when I was 15, we were friends until we decided to start seeing each other when I was 17. He was 19. He was going to uni about 400 miles away so i only saw him in his holidays and wanted to go and visit him at Uni to spend some proper time together.

I think when I bought my train ticket and waved to Mum at the station she realised I was probably not going to sleep in a separate bedroom to DP .. however she kept her mouth shut and bless her didn't say a thing to make me feel uncomfortable

What she didn't realise is I'd been staying and sleeping with DP for a couple of months over the summer holidays already at his Mum and Dad's house, she thought I was at my sisters!

DP'd parents were different: there's 2 bedrooms on the top floor, one of which is empty so DP told his parents I was sleeping in the spare room and it was under those conditions I was allowed to stay over... there wasn't even a bed in the spare room so I'm not sure how they thought that one was going to work

Years later we were all sat downstairs (I'd moved in with DP's parents so we could save for a house deposit) and after a few glasses of wine, DMIL admitted they'd known we were having sex from the first night I stayed over and only pretended I was sleeping in the spare room because they found it hilarious that we put bedsheets and towels in there to make it look like one of us had slept there! They had bets on how long it would be before we stopped pretending

It was nearly a year

[Roomba]

Just don't react like my mother did. I was 17, she found my contraceptive pills when she went through my stuff (which I hated her doing, wonder why?) and she asked if I was sexually active. When I said yes, she forced me and my BF into the car, drove round to his parents, and spent an hour berating them for what their son had done to me! It was mortifying, they didn't know what to say other than well they are 17 and 18 so it's not really our business is it, which went down well... I was then banned from seeing my BF and grounded for about five months, only allowed out to go to college.

It backfired as I just skipped college lessons to see my BF, and the following year I left home to go to the furthest away uni I could find. My mother still doesn't understand why I don't tell her anything about my life.

I would ensure that your DD knows she can talk to you about anything, and whilst you can't stop her having sex, you can set rules about what you will and won't allow in your home. I think it is sometimes hard to get your head around the fact that your kids are growing up and becoming adults, especially when it is an awkward subject to discuss.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

As soon as ds hits 16 I'm buying condoms and making sure he knows exactly how to use them. I don't want to buy them before 16 as it's condoning under age sex and I don't want to do that.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I don't know what the hurry is to start a sexual relationship

It's fun and teenagers are the horniest they'll probably be in their entire lives!


OP- I suppose it's confirmation they really are growing up. I think you'll probably get used to it

[cricketmum1]

Oh this is so what I'm going through right now! My DS is 16 next month, his GF is 16 in June next year. I think (I'm not sure) that they may have had sex, I'm not sure what I should do - if anything! Should we be helping them with condoms? (We live in a small village and it would be vertually impossible for him to buy any) but given that she's not 16 yet does that mean that I'm effectively encouraging them to 'break the law'. My DS is very secretive and won't speak about this sort of thing, I do want to talk to him, but only if it's the 'right' thing to do! Thoughts please!

[GingerG1970]

Even though we know it's going to happen at some point, once it actually does happen it's a worry to all of us moms. My 18 yr old came to me a year ago and told me and my heart sank at first. The first child is the hardest to deal with but we learn to go with the flow. With my 15 yr old I caught her and her bf when I came home from work early one day. I think I was more prepared and accepting with her having been through it before. It's never an easy thing but you can't stop them once they start.

[Carlamomof3]

My 15 year old has been with her boyfriend for almost a year now and though I knew they were having sex and were being safe it still was hard to accept the fact that my baby was growing up. I finally agreed to allow him to stay overnight 2 months ago and even though it was very awkward at first I have gotten used to it. He usually spends the weekends here now and it's turned in ato very healthy and mature relationship. Not sure how I'll deal with it when my younger girls get older but I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes.

[Timetogetup0630]

Myhairisturning I sympathise. Not quite at that stage with my DD 17 but I suspect you feel the same as I did when my baby cut her first tooth and much later started her periods.
It's about coming to terms with them growing up.

[theothersideof40]

Im struggling with this at the moment my DS has had his girlfriend over to stay, against my wishes as i had never met her before and wanted to do that she stayed over. We had lots of arguments and she stayed anyway as i felt once she was here i couldnt throw her out! He now wants her to stay tomorrow night. Yes i think its struggling with the fact that he is in a grown up relationship that i am finding hard. Also the fact that i have a 7 year old dd and i want him to respect that she sleeps next door

[mineofuselessinformation]

Janet has the right viewpoint IMO.
If they're going to have sex anyway, surely better to be safe?
Having said that, the first time dc1 talked about sex to me I was a bit WTF in the same way teens are a bit freaked by thinking about people as old as their parents still having sex!

[JanetRomano]

I think accepting the fact that they have sex and teaching them to have responsible sex at home is different than encouraging them to have sex. And I think kids are ready to have sex at different ages. I know some younger teens that are more mature about sex than some of my 40 yr old friends are. My oldest is 15 and she's far more ready than I was at her age.

[laurenwiltxx]

Well I wouldn't want to encourage a 15yr old to have sex in my house but that's how I was brought up as well, friend parents were more relaxed it was very much 16 and over and someone I'm still with now, but i have to agree, unless her boyfriend is much older and you haven't spoken to her properly and you leave them alone in the house i don't see an issue with him staying over

[JanetRomano]

Yes my daughter is having sex and although I wasn't happy about it when I first found out I have accepted it and they are very responsible and in a committed relationship. I do not nor would I ever encourage teenagers to have sex however I accept it.

[bananapeanut]

Thank you. I think it depends on the individual though. Yes there is a law. But it doesn't mean that at midnight before turning 16 a magical change takes place where sex suddenly becomes less abusive?
It's just common sense - some 15 year olds are responsible. Some 16 year olds + are not.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Banana I am really sorry you were raped .
Parents facilitating sex for their underage children is still abusive.
If Janet's dd isnt having sex what is the birth control for?

[bananapeanut]

It's really not abusive?! I had sex at 15 and it was absolutely the right time and wonderful.

When I was raped at 17 it was terrible, but I was "over the age of consent" then I guess?!

And Janet didn't say that they were having sex, just that the boyfriend was staying over

[AndNowItsSeven]

Well Janet said they are having sex so unless she is lying.

[AndNowItsSeven]

The law is there for a reason a parent allowing a 15 year old to have sex is abusive.

[bananapeanut]

You don't even know if the 15 year old is having sex...

[bananapeanut]

AndNowItsSeven*

[bananapeanut]

What a ridiculous comment And owTheresSeven

A 15 year old having safe consenting sex with her boyfriend is not the same as being abused. As someone who has been abused I find that comment highly offensive??!

[JanetRomano]

My rules on bf's sleeping over is that they have been together at least six months and I like him. My 15 yr old has just recently hit the six month mark and her bf has been staying here alot. I'm ok with it, they care about each other, she's on bc and her bf even helps around the house.

[Cheeseaddicted]

anastasia For the majority of the us the age of consent is 16... What part are you from?

[AnstasiaBartAraminta]

I would just have the safe sex chat with her, here in the US the legal age is 18 but I'm pretty sure that it's differant in England. If you tell her no it's only going to make her want to do it more.