14 yr old son - we're in a mess!

[Pennifer]

We're in a real mess with our 14 year old son. We have two sons, he's the younger by two years. Older one settled and seems happy with friends and college.
He hasn't had the smoothest ride into adolescence and senior school, both which came at same time for him.
He was doing well at school until senior school and then we started to see a slow decline. Last year his performance at school took a steep dive; poor homework, poor in class contribution, lack of respect for teachers.
Over the summer last year he started sleeping badly, eating poorly and self harming.
Coincidentally he had started seeing a girl, his first girlfriend, since May. She was new to the school and he chose not to share anything about their relationship and we didn't get to meet her before the Autumn last year.
The school telephoned me in Oct last year to say that they had noticed he'd been self harming and that a pupil, who wished to remain anonymous, had said she was worried about his wellbeing.
In December the school said that "they had come to the end of the line with him" and suggested a fresh start for him. This was in relation to his academic performance. By then the self harming (and damage to the walls in his room had seemed to stop).
When we told him at Christmas break that he wouldn't be going back in January he seemed shocked but over the next few weeks he seemed lighter and happier.
We decided to homeschool him as he was troubled and it seemed that by keeping him at home we could begin to understand what's been going on (he is a closed book).
The positive side is that, as I said, he seemed happier and lighter but the negative side is that he just can't seem to beat the "remains of the depression?" This is how I see it. He sleeps all day, still doesn't eat that well. We haven't started any of the GCSE packs I purchased. He seems to have dropped communication with his friends and seems to wait for any sort of communication with his girlfriend. It came to light on Weds that she gave him an ultimatum to "make your parents send you back to school or I'll split up with you". We couldn't understand why out of the blue he was crying and yelling to go back. He ran off out of the house and then came back upset to say his girlfriend had split up with him when he said he had failed to get us to return him.
It made me question as to whether it wasn't just his hormones and school causing trouble of last few months but also intensity of relationship with his girlfriend, all the ups and downs that go with relationships of that age.
Where from here though?!
Homeschooling, I can't get him motivated or out of bed. He just seems to wait for his girlfriend to come online at 4pm.
A different school. Feels a fresh start, but will he "self sabotage" because he wants to go to same school as his girlfriend.
Back to same school. Was private and very academic and think he was sinking there before girlfriend came along and may or may not have excacberated problems (self harming came after they started going out).
He is a closed book and I have no idea what's going on or how to deal with this. Any help, ideas, thoughts welcomed.

[FamilyAngel]

It does sound like an academic school did not suite your son but please remember that what ever problems he has he will take with him to a new school. I think it may be one of those situations where an independent adult may be able to talk to him more easily. This is not a reflection on your parenting skills but I have a feeling there is more going on here than a badly behaved teenager.

[Pennifer]

Thank you FamilyAngel. We have him lined up for an initial 10 session (1 a week) with a therapist. Hopefully help him to understand himself better and enable us to move forward.