14 yr old son - we're in a mess!

[Pennifer]

We're in a real mess with our 14 year old son. We have two sons, he's the younger by two years. Older one settled and seems happy with friends and college.
He hasn't had the smoothest ride into adolescence and senior school, both which came at same time for him.
He was doing well at school until senior school and then we started to see a slow decline. Last year his performance at school took a steep dive; poor homework, poor in class contribution, lack of respect for teachers.
Over the summer last year he started sleeping badly, eating poorly and self harming.
Coincidentally he had started seeing a girl, his first girlfriend, since May. She was new to the school and he chose not to share anything about their relationship and we didn't get to meet her before the Autumn last year.
The school telephoned me in Oct last year to say that they had noticed he'd been self harming and that a pupil, who wished to remain anonymous, had said she was worried about his wellbeing.
In December the school said that "they had come to the end of the line with him" and suggested a fresh start for him. This was in relation to his academic performance. By then the self harming (and damage to the walls in his room had seemed to stop).
When we told him at Christmas break that he wouldn't be going back in January he seemed shocked but over the next few weeks he seemed lighter and happier.
We decided to homeschool him as he was troubled and it seemed that by keeping him at home we could begin to understand what's been going on (he is a closed book).
The positive side is that, as I said, he seemed happier and lighter but the negative side is that he just can't seem to beat the "remains of the depression?" This is how I see it. He sleeps all day, still doesn't eat that well. We haven't started any of the GCSE packs I purchased. He seems to have dropped communication with his friends and seems to wait for any sort of communication with his girlfriend. It came to light on Weds that she gave him an ultimatum to "make your parents send you back to school or I'll split up with you". We couldn't understand why out of the blue he was crying and yelling to go back. He ran off out of the house and then came back upset to say his girlfriend had split up with him when he said he had failed to get us to return him.
It made me question as to whether it wasn't just his hormones and school causing trouble of last few months but also intensity of relationship with his girlfriend, all the ups and downs that go with relationships of that age.
Where from here though?!
Homeschooling, I can't get him motivated or out of bed. He just seems to wait for his girlfriend to come online at 4pm.
A different school. Feels a fresh start, but will he "self sabotage" because he wants to go to same school as his girlfriend.
Back to same school. Was private and very academic and think he was sinking there before girlfriend came along and may or may not have excacberated problems (self harming came after they started going out).
He is a closed book and I have no idea what's going on or how to deal with this. Any help, ideas, thoughts welcomed.

[LagoonaBlu]

I actually think its important to get him back to school again. I think you need to establish normal life/routine. You don't want him having his life paused like this

Get him to GP, get him a counsellor, get him back to school. Maybe new school could put something in place for him? Have you spoken to them about his situation? Will he speak to his older brother?

In your situation, I would take him off for a few days on holiday/doing an activity he loves outside in the fresh air. I say this because DC loves riding, so its easy for me to see this, but maybe he doesn't have a passion. I'd go away to the coast or mountains, walking for a few days with him

[GoodStuffAnnie]

H has to meet you in the middle ground somehow.

I would insist or bargain that the following has to be in place:

He has to see gp
He has to see councellor
He has to get up at 8am
He has to eat
Get these building blocks in place and then everything else can be built on top. I know school is important, but health is number one. You or a professional has to get to the bottom of the self harming, depression, and not eating. That is your priority.

I would also engineer some other soft stuff. Try to get out for walks, to the beach, get some house plants, put on some calming music. Have a nice day out. You need to make every day count in your sons recovery. Having said all this its not all about you and your husband it's about him. In 4 years he will be an adult. We are doing our children a disservice if we let them call the shots. One of the most important jobs of parenting is preparing children for the real world. He won't survive very long if he's in bed all day.

Also, get some breaks for yourself. Don't feel overwhelmed, just do one thing. Arrange to go to the cinema next weekend with a friend. It will do you the world of good to get a break.

Your doing brilliantly. Just keep going.

[GoodStuffAnnie]

My first sentence is he (your son) has to meet you in the middle.

[Pennifer]

Thank you, this has been so very helpful. I'm very grateful. To be able to tidy up my thoughts and see a path forward.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I would send him to a new school. Home schooling isn't working and the old school will be right back into the same dynamic, a new school will offer a new start.

[TheHoneyBadger]

honestly as an outsider looking in you seem remarkably (as in unusually) hands off. you say you raised the self harming and he swerved the conversation - so you just backed off and left it? you say he sleeps all day - do you actually go in and wake him up? the books remain unstarted - are you waiting for him to say yes today i want to/we will do x?

is it possible your elder child required less direct parenting and was more independent and self motivated than this one?

trying to think of how to put this or what it is i really mean but it seems like you're giving a ton of space and just.... waiting? maybe he needs more direction and assertion from you and he can't muster it for himself.

[BeaufortBelle]

Our dd is 16. She became anxious and depressed in Year 11 and started self harming. Her O'Level results were very good rather than excellent. She knew she was in trouble and tried to get help for herself and then it all came out. It has been a long hard struggle and she's stayed at school, but six months in she has turned the corner and I'm afraid your son sounds much more unwell. I didn't realise just how far down dd had gone and just how unwell she had been until I got my daughter back.

I am appalled that your son's school suggested a fresh start without putting any support in place for him in the the context of counselling or suggest you seek medical help. That is truly atrocious and not an "independent" school thing. I know my DC's school have been enormously helpful to children who are struggling.

I think you need to involve your GP immediately, your son is so ill this is having a massive impact on his life in that he is no longer engaging with basic things and has effectively dropped out of school at only 14. The self harm is probably covering significant depression and/or anxiety. I would hope your GP will make an urgent referral to CAMHs for a full assessment and this happens very quickly for you. If not, then I suggest you ask for a referral for a private Psychiatric assessment and see what they say. It may be that counselling is the first line and may be helpful but it should be put in place by experts who can identify exactly what he needs and who is best qualified to provide it alongside ongoing clincial psychiatric support. It may also be that your son needs some medication (anti-depressants) in addition to this and possibly a full assessment to identify any other issues he might have and that he can be supported with such as Borderline Personality Disorder, emergent Bi-Polar or other MH related illnesses which often raise their heads in adolescence and get overlooked whilst the system grinds on in an avoidant sort of way until a crisis hits. Hopefully it might be much more simple but it is helpful to get to the bottom of all this as quckly as possible.

Personally, I think he needs to recover before you contemplate him going back to school and it sounds as though he has gone quite a long way down. In your shoes I'd be pulling out all the stops to get him the clinical support he undoubtedly needs and yes, you can afford it, you aren't paying school fees for a couple of terms. Give him a couple of terms off, with perhaps a bit of private tutoring to keep him ticking over until he is well enough to get back to school. He can repeat a year and be well for his GCSEs and then A'Levels.

Good luck OP.

[Pennifer]

TheHoneyBadger am a bit lost as some time back we tried a different, harder and disciplined approach with him, in doing so we lost communication completely and didn't have a relationship with him. With this approach, we have some communication and a relationship but obviously aren't able to deal with the issues. For me relationship and communication comes first and that's why we're seeking professional help as to how to deal with the rest.

[Pennifer]

Thanks for your input BeaufortBelle. All advice appreciated.

[TheHoneyBadger]

reading the above post i think that's part of what i was feeling as well - a kind of under-reaction? are you and your husband people who talk about feelings up front and deal with things openly? it all sounds a bit passive and maybe avoidant.

[TheHoneyBadger]

x posted - yes i didn't necessarily mean 'discipline' and 'strictness'. for example the not having talked about the self harming because you tried once and he changed the subject wouldn't be fixed by 'discipline'.

i get that you're lost and i'm not criticising and sorry if it came over that way. i guess i can't imagine just leaving the subject because they changed the subject when it is so important and a sign of such unhappiness.

[Pennifer]

TheHoneyBadger I like to feel that we are open and discuss things as a family. We openly show love and hug.. Our 14 year old doesn't find that so easy, as I say we lost our way when we were being very strict and disciplined. I guess I am treading delicately with him as don't want to lose what I have got back in terms of relationship, even if it doesn't actually solve issues but hopefully pro help will.

[Pennifer]

I have talked about how sad I was to see marks on his arms in a few discussions but he doesn't say anything in return on that subject.

[GoodStuffAnnie]

You sound scared. Understandably! This is your baby. But don't be afraid to push him on talking about the self harming. This is a health issue. If you suspected he had cancer you would push him. This thread might be really hard for you to read, but try to be really open minded. The goal is to get your son better.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

This is a long shot, but it sounds like he's been in an abusive relationship, it wouldn't surprise me to find out that the gf involved has been coercive and or manipulative. It also wouldn't surprise me to find out that he has been mimicking in a way her own behaviour, self harm etc.

The reason I say this is because he had a two week grace and a phew moment, where she possibly had lost her grip, then suddenly everything is ramped up again, when she's back in touch.

I've seen this sort of thing before, it's not always the boys who are abusive the girls can be just as bad,
Hopefully the counsellor if she suspects anything like the above, can discuss good relationships and boundaries with him, and reassure him that this is wrong.

I'm also not enamoured with the way the school has dealt with this, going on the little you have said about them, surely they could have arranged counselling within the school for him.

Best of luck op I hope he feels better son

[TheHoneyBadger]

yeah i totally get that you could feel like treading on eggshells but the thing is that then reinforces the walls around him itms. he's your baby, you're entitled to react and to cry and to shake and hug him and tell him you can't bear to see him so unhappy or hurting himself. there's a risk that not showing your reactions and feelings and sharing them with him helps to let this isolate him and perpetuate.

maybe i'm naive about the distance that can come with age as my son is younger but i did have mental health problems as a teen and felt so isolated and lost in it alone. i 'think' if my son went this way i'd be letting him see me cry and worry and voice my concerns - probably whilst sat on his bed if he was trying to stay in there all day - possibly that's influenced by having experienced how alone mental health problems made me feel and how lack of anyone doing that just reinforced it all.

bear in mind the negativity of depression and anxiety is very, very loud. the messages of i love you, i'm fighting for you and i won't let it take you need to be even louder itms.

[DogStuff]

Don't forget, he may not be able to articulate what he is feeling - the cutting may be his expression of that. A counsellor will help him to articulate what it is he is feeling and wants to say and I am sure the cutting will stop.

Good luck OP

[BeaufortBelle]

Just to say too. DD wasn't in the right place for the counselling when she was depressed. The anti-depressants were in her case needed. Two months in and the psychiatrist feels it would be helpful to have some counselling again in a couple of months as a reflective exercise when she is in a good place to help her focus on future triggers and what she needs to do to manage her anxiety/depression in the future.

The girl probably is an influence and possibly is abusive but poor lad, if he had been a good place to begin with, he wouldn't have been vulnerable so she might be a bit of a red herring and projecting won't help. He is where he is and needs help to move on regardless of the circumstances leading up to it. Depression doesn't just go away when the cause is removed and it might be physiological depression in any event and not related to a "cause". DD's was although it was exacerbated by some things that made her unhappy.

[PitilessYank]

Are there any older family friends, or relatives (aunts, uncles) with whom your son is also friendly? Sometimes a meal out and a chat with someone who is not the child's parent can encourage a young person to share a bit more. I say this because I work in mental health have occasionally been asked to meet up informally with friends' children who are in crisis, and generally the kids have been able to open up a bit.

Do you have any friends who work in mental health who might fit the bill?

[PitilessYank]

*and I have

[DancingDuck]

You need to be able to discuss this openly. Listen to his reasoning on wanting to go back. Ask him if it's entirely dependent on his girlfriend's ultimatum or if there's any other reason he'd look forward to returning.

Set some goals for him and yourselves to aim for which constitute feeling well enough to return: no self harming would be one; getting up on time every weekday could be another; working through some course textbooks another. If he can do all this calmly until half term, you could say that you think he'd be well enough to return. If he can't, then you can explain that he's still not well enough. He needs to begin to learn how to manage his own stress before he can go back to a stressful situation.

Has he been willing to think and talk about what could have led to the stress in the first place? And is he willing to set up some structures to try and help prevent it happening again. One or two non-competitive but fun weekly clubs - a cinema or non competitive sports club or a silly discussion group (DCs school have loads of stuff like this) to ensure he is socialised and has a life outside his girlfriend.

There is a good technique he might be open to. You draw a large square and divide it into nine smaller squares inside. In each of them you write a major aspect of life. Typical boxes to include for a teenager might be: academic work, girlfriend, earning money, health, friends, family, sports and hobbies. Make sure he includes community (giving back to the community through service and volunteering) as a non-negotiable box. It will help him focus on others not himself, and feel good about his power to contribute to the world and make a positive difference in it. You might encourage him to add future plans and dreams or a bucket list.

Make sure that he has something written in each box. Not to put pressure on him to push himself too far, but to show him that a happy life has a range of good things in it and isn't dependent on one thing (his girlfriend's ultimatum or his exam results). He may have little enthusiasm for most areas of his life but encourage him to work on them a little each week - maybe one aspect a day while he's still recovering. Encourage him to pick up with old friends or make new ones, take up a sport or hobby he used to enjoy or has always wanted to try, maybe something that is just fun, that isn't constantly measured and judged, if his school is so academic and demanding. Maybe it won't work, but I use it form time to time with DS2 who is a black and white thinker prone to depression. It does seem to help lift him out of that tunnel vision fog.

[DancingDuck]

The aim of this, is of course, to lessen the power the girl has over him, whether she's a good or bad influence, manipulative or unaware of her effect, he needs he to be a part of his exciting developing life not the only thing in it.

[BeaufortBelle]

DancingDuck'are you seriously suggesting that a parent can set a goal of "no self harming" in the absence of clinical, professions help? If only it were that simple to deal with a distressed and depressed teenager.

[DancingDuck]

God, no BeaufortBelle. Not at all. I'm just suggesting that they discuss what mental state he might hope to be in before returning to school, so that he can see that going back now just because his girlfriend dictates he should would be detrimental to his health and progress. Sorry if I gave that impression. I'd hope he gets as much professional help as he can.

[Pennifer]

DancingDuck. Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to put your thoughts down. I feel the squares exercise along with the counselling are a good way forward for us this week.
Thank you everyone that has contributed, it's really helped to sort my mind out.