DD nearly 15 has been difficult since puberty. She sees camhs but won't engage enough for them to be of any help. She literally can't deal with boundaries, she has always had them and I don't give in but she still throws the same reaction every time I say no. She has started lying that I have agreed to things I haven't (and know I haven't) then going mad when I say no I never agreed. When I say no she instantly cries, throws things about, kicks her doors, breaks her stuff then texts me hundreds and hundreds of times. The content of her texts are manipulative and mainly emotional blackmail.
So for instance tonight we were getting along fine all day, went for lunch, watched a film then she says "I'm going to X's house now for a sleepover" I say "No you haven't asked its school tomorrow" (X lives miles away and goes to another school, DD is not good at school needs sleep!) she insists I agreed today, I didn't. So for the last four hours she has been throwing the contents of her room down the stairs, kicking doors, screaming as if she's being attacked and jumping up and down on the spot (whole bloody house shaking). Her texts are constant how I never loved her, love ruining her life, she will do something stupid if I don't give in, she's running away, she's having a panic attack, she's going to harm herself , she needs space so is going, she hates living with me, she hates me I'm evil so on and so forth.
We have had a lovely day but loads of days end like this she tells me she's doing something if I don't agree this happens. It lasts hours and hours and hours! Does anyone else have this? I hate ending days like this I'm permanently exhausted with the dramas. It's like a toddler tantrum but way worse.
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Extreme behaviour I am seriously at the end of my tether :(
Wineandchocolateneededasap · 17/01/2016 22:46
She does sound quite PDA-ish, or at least very anxious as well as controlling. It sounds as if she is venting a huge amount of stress! Whatever it is, it’s not your parenting and if she’s doing it at school as well as home it’s probably more deep-seated than ordinary teen stuff. You don’t need a diagnosis you can try PDA stuff anyway - though of course a diagnosis would help you feel more confident about whichever direction you’re going in.
My DS (who has an Asperger’s diagnosis but in a way that overlaps with PDA) used to be like this about “no” when he was quite a lot younger than your DD. Well he probably still is like that but I have found ways to get by without saying “no”(!) Advance information is what works for DS. So I talk through the structure of the day with him in the morning “we will have lunch together, then see a film, then tea, and bed, ready for school tomorrow. Is that OK? Anything else you want to fit in?” He gets a bit stressed during advance planning conversations but it’s better than trying to cope on the fly.
What may be buggering things up for your control-freak DD is unexpected invitations from her friends. She may be mentally unprepared for the sudden “let’s have a sleepover” message and even less prepared for the possible refusal. She may also be very keen to keep in with her friends and even afraid to refuse. It’s good that she is not actually defying you but her stress-venting is still pretty extreme. My DS is fairly anti-social so he doesn’t react too badly to the idea of not being able to go to out; but I still don’t say he “can’t” go out. Instead I say “hm, is that a good idea? It’s a school-night” and that works for us – he is in control. Anyway he is a bit older than your DD so these days it is his decision anyway.
The other thing I do with DS is try to give him rules in advance and in a way that is clear but still leaves him in control. “Oh, you’re going out late tonight? That’s great. It’s Saturday so you can stay out. Going out when there’s school the next day is too tiring and it’s best to stay home, so Friday and Saturday are really good sleepover nights.” This rule is giving him plenty of advance notice, it is worded in a neutral way (so nothing about “you get tired” or “you can’t go out”) and it’s hidden in lots of niceness. It’s as non-scary as I can make it. And my DS will accept that.
Your DD may be in a worse place with anxiety than my DS at the moment and she may really need to vent that hard. I also agree with Explosive Child – I don’t need to look at it so much these days but it’s still a comfort to know it’s there 
. I found “baskets” really useful for setting priorities, so if staying in on a schoolnight is basket A then it’s worth trying to ignore three hours of venting; and if it isn’t basket A then sod it, sometimes you can only advise against or even just let it go.
Oh, and really it doesn’t sound like anything you’re doing wrong. Hope things getter better for you both (and look after yourself too!) 
I see lots of people have mentioned ASD or Aspergers. My dd is 12 and can go very wild if she senses that she is losing control. We had a dx of Aspergers last year. She is very anxious too and this can escalate quickly. She will regularly tell me that she hates me etc and has no self regulation when she gets caught in the downward spiral of aggravating others. Google non-violent resistance; it's a method that is suggested when parenting teens with violent or aggressive behaviour.
Sometimes these diagnoses can be missed. We had no idea that our daughter might have Aspergers until this time last year; she had difficulty with friendships, blew up out of school and lacked emotional regulation. The pieces of behaviour were put together and then a picture emerged of what was causing the problem.
HTH
Thank you. Touch wood this last week has been relatively calm I'm so grateful for a rest! She often kicks against boundaries (in a major way) then gets over it, have a bit of calm then she tests it again!
She has friends but is very bossy and blunt I try not to interfere in every aspect but sometimes try and guide her. Eg today one of her friends wrote a huge paragraph on her Facebook wall with lots of questions and compliments was about 8 sentences. DD wrote "thanx I'm ok" 
. She doesn't wish people happy birthday or pay compliments etc. She lacks common sense gets very over excited occasionally then says 
things! Eg visiting an elderly granny DD leaves shouting "Bye my main bitch" on the way out, thankfully they didnt hear but DD thought of it as a term
Of endearment hmmmm ! She also corrects lies however small on the spot then let's everyone squirm.
One of her friends said "she's like marmite you either love her or hate her" and I kind of get that. Teachers are always a split between love and hate and she either loves or hates people little middle ground.
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Your DH is smacking your DD and vice Versa?!
Thank you riodsnces she doesn't talk about it afterwards no mentioning it triggers her back up into another tantrum . She occasionally says sorry if asked to but it's not very sincere. I like to think she's so embarrassed she doesn't want to think about it but I'm probably wrong.
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