18 yr old wants new boyfriend to sleep in her room

[febel]

hi all, just a few thoughts and you may or may not agree with views but we haven't been asked this before....my 18 yr old YD (18 beg of August) lives at home as dropped back a year cos re did course. Is a very boundary pushing daughter and has been for the past few years...v tiring at times! She finished with local boyfriend recently and has become enamoured of a lad she met on 18-30s holiday at end of summer. Been in contact a lot on phone and via internet etc Went to stay with some of the people she met on said holdiay....including him (we didn't know about him at the time) at half term and said she stayed in grilfriend's house. She is going to an uni open day his way next week then going on to stay at his for a day or two, coming home on Saturday to work. She did ask but she is 18 and not much I could say whether liked it or not.
Tonight she broke the news that he is coming to see her and stay on that Saturday. She is expecting/hoping he will stay at ours. She also told me he wouldn't be sleeping in any of our two spare rooms (elder sisters have left home) but in her room in her bed. DH v unhappy about this..and to be honest I am not that happy. We may be old fashioned, DH particularly so,but in lots of ways he (and I) support her to the nth degree in all sorts of ways, ....and are happy to do so... but she has only seen this lad once since her holiday and now wants him to come and stay and sleep with her in our home and DH is most uncomfortable with it..and I think I am too. We are not used to boyfriends sleeping over (as in same bed) as the other two simply didn't ask as they knew their dad was uncomfortable with it. Although ED's boyfriend sleeps in same room as her (YD pointed this out) when they come to see us...ED has been going out with him for 6 years and has lived with him for 3 years! (She started seeing him at uni.) YD says that it's not the same, and we should let this lad sleep with her cos she won't have sex with him and doesn't see him otherwise, it's just about being close.
This is typical of her, and DH feels she just has no respect (she doesn't) and to be honest our life with her is a rollercoaster as she is v quick to anger if she doesn't get her own way and sees life in very black and white terms...and if we don't agree with her we are WRONG

Are we being unreasonable? She doesn't have a bad life, we do stuff for her, she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so, she has a large room, does no household chores to speak of and pleases herself pretty well..coming in and spending the majority of her time upstairs online / on her phone. I buy essential clothes and stuff, she buys extras (she has a job) and I pay for her sports activities. But she makes me feel so guilty when I don't cave in. Her last words tonight as I dropped her at her friends for pre drinking (bearing in mind I hadn't drunk so I could take her) were a challenging.., "Would it be the same if I was a lesbian and it was a girl I wanted to sleep in the same bed with?!"
I feel v mixed up and upset...and that I am not handling things well.

[nooka]

I have younger teens, and was with my now dh from when we were 19. At his parents house I was made very welcome and it was assumed we'd share a room. At my parents house he was not made very welcome at all and I was told very firmly that he was to sleep in the spare room. As a result we spent very little time at my parents, which upset them.

I fully intend to make my children's boy/girl friends welcome, partly because I like to get to know their friends and get a feel as to whether I think the relationship is a positive one or not. dd is bisexual so we will always have that friend or lover question I guess, and it is an interesting dilemma because I do tend to feel that a girl/girl relationship has lower risks which is probably not terribly fair.

The issues about the OP's dd treating her family poorly and the way that they put out for her with little return are obviously related, but I think should be addressed outside of this current dilemma. Obviously grounding hasn't worked, but OP why are you providing a taxi service and paying for extras when your dd isn't pulling her weight at home? It sounds as if there is a lot of resentment and anger going on.

[C8tontherug]

Daughter, telling not asking - no respect

Your house, your rules

You have not even met the boyfriend yet !

-----

Perhaps you should tell your daughter that there are people who do not allow partners to stay over even if they have been together decades

Some people are "old fashioned"

PS:
Not myself, but I do know some people

[bigTillyMint]

Thanks Parochial

[febel]

Well, the end result is massive slamming of doors, all doors, screaming, swearing, being told that nobody listens to her, then DH and her on drive in front of everyone having a screaming row. So...that went well. Left me in tears before work feeling like we are the craiest parents ever and doubting that we have made the right decision.
What really rubs salt into the wound is that this week she is going to a uni open day , with her sister as the day I could go with her on, Thurs, she said she couldn't get off college cos would miss too much work. Funnily enough she is skiving of college Thurs and Fri to go and stay with this lad (lives up north)
So, I am officially the most unloved and crappst mum who has no relationship with her YD, amkes all the wrong decisions, talks to her all wrong, does EVERYTHING wrong and at the moment feels like nothing, and worse than nothing....and I bet there's plenty more of us out there. I didn't sign up for this when I had my much wanted third baby...... :-(

[expatinscotland]

She's been spoiled beyond belief. Stand your ground.

[FreeWorker1]

I think she needs to move out. She clearly wants her own space and once she is at uni I think you should cut off the financial contribution to her life and let her stand on her own two feet.

The relationship will improve then once she has autonomy and choose who she invites to sleep in her own bed.

For what its worth me and DW met at uni and neither set of parents let us sleep in the same bedroom until we left university and started living together in London. We had lived together at uni for 3 years during term time and our holidays were very 'short'.

We just lived with it and respected our parents as it was 'their home and their rules'.

[AnyFucker]

Simply ignore all that drama

It's designed to get you doubting yourself and it's working

Those tantrums are no better than a 3yo trying to get their own way. Don't you dare cave in

[merrygoround51]

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

It seems like she is spoiled and you hate upsetting here, to be honest upsetting your teenagers by refusing to give into them is just part of daily life as the parent of a teenager!

[wannaBe]

I fail to see how not allowing someone to share a bed with someone they've known for five minutes is not making them welcome. When I got together with my now xh both our parents made up spare rooms for me/him to sleep in when we visited (and I was still living with my parents at the time). Neither of us were made to feel unwelcome though, it was just that this was how they felt. Their house, their rules.

I think my xh was a bit when xsil was allowed to have her bf stay in her bed straight away though, and she was five years younger than him. But that was just the way it was.

As for the people saying that "she is an adult," always baffles me that when children should be permitted to do things or when people feel they're being treated like children (even if they're behaving as such) then the "she's an adult," line is trotted out. Yet if someone under the age of about 30 does something reprehensible people are quick to point out that "they were very young." At eighteen she may legally have become an adult, that apparently hasn't stopped her acting like a child though. If she's an adult she can start taking adult responsibilities, pulling her weight, paying bills, etc, she can't have it both ways.

[expatinscotland]

'she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so,'

Don't. You and your husband need to discuss why you have spoilt her so much and, IF she doesn't go to uni (she sounds like she might jack it all in for this guy), how you are going to continue living in the house together. Not doing any chores, treating the house as a hotel, not paying any bills, etc. isn't doing her any favours long-term. Sounds like you are letting her walk all over you because you don't like being confrontational.

[ohisay]

Agree with many who have said your house, your rules!
When I was 19 and waiting for my mortgage to go though, my then boyfriend (now husband) needed to stay with us as his mum threw him out. I had to give up my bed and sleep on the sofa for a few months! Did I like it? No!! Did I cause trouble And act like a child about it? No! If she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to respect your rules, whether she agrees or not.
As a side note, we've been together almost 12 years, married for 8 and my dad still looks like this at us sharing a room on holiday

[ovenchips]

I wouldn't let the boy stay under these circumstances tbh. And now you've said no, you really need to stick with decision.

I know you didn't ask for parenting advice but sounds like you are taking your daughter's outbursts very personally and being very reactive when she lets rip. You need to stop feeling 'like world's shittest parent' and stop worrying about what she thinks of you. Start thinking what is the right way to parent her and let that be your guide. Your daughter sounds temperamentally very different from her sisters but this doesn't mean that you have to change your parenting values/ rules for her but it does mean that you have to change your methods.

I think you need some (belated) boundaries in place and your daughter needs help to move on from being a child without many rights/responsibilities to a semi-independent adult with rights which have responsibilities attached.

I realise this is far from easy to implement but sooo worth it both for her as an emerging adult and for you all as a family.

[ovenchips]

And as Expat said, you need to stop rewarding negative behaviour!

[StormyBlue]

I'm not sure... If you say no to him coming then where else would he stay? I ask because wouldn't she just go and stay there too? It might be safer having them both at home with you if you are worried. Is there a way you can meet him first?

It sounds like her becoming generally out of control is your biggest problem. It's hard to know what to advise... I think ovenchips is right about taking things personally and being reactive. I was a bit of a horror at that age and I think I grew up a lot when I moved out to uni.

[MsMims]

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Stand firm on what you've said to her.

[ovenchips]

PS I promise I'm not on commision (given the number of times I harp on about it on Mumsnet) but I really recommend one of the famed Faber & Mazlish tomes, specifically 'How To Talk So Teens Will Listen, And Listen So Teens Will Talk'. I've got it on my Kindle app and it's an easy read.

I know your 'teen' is upper end age-wise, but given the circumstances (still living at home, still acting like stroppy teenager, testing boundaries etc) I think it would still be highly relevant. It really could give you a new approach that will change things in your family.

[febel]

ovenchips...thank you....yes you're right I think I am taking it personally...she is my last child and we used to get on very well. (although not for a long time!)
I will get that book...am always up for advice particularly as I feel she is "new ground" for us...and yes very different from her sisters.

[LeaLeander]

She's the one in the wrong here. He is a stranger! Yes she may have slept with him as hookup but for other purposes you might as well grab someone off the street. I would not want a stranger creeping about my house & valuables, using my bathroom etc.
Stand your ground OP.

[Duckdeamon]

Your decision on the bf not staying over was reasonable. Her reaction was not.

As PPs have said, you need to re-adjust the terms for her remaining living with you, and of your cash and "in kind" financial and practical support.

At present she's messed up her education course - and the outcome in this academic year isn't clear - is not pulling her weight with domestics etc at home or treating the family reasonably, with few negative consequences to herself.

[tiredandhungryalways]

Do not give in to her. Let her know you will not be bullied by her and definitely make changes she sounds quite entitled

[FellOffMyUnicorn]

She's acting like a toddler and you are enabling her to

Stay strong

So what if she shouts in the driveway, let her, sis the one who will be embarrassed later