18 yr old wants new boyfriend to sleep in her room

[febel]

hi all, just a few thoughts and you may or may not agree with views but we haven't been asked this before....my 18 yr old YD (18 beg of August) lives at home as dropped back a year cos re did course. Is a very boundary pushing daughter and has been for the past few years...v tiring at times! She finished with local boyfriend recently and has become enamoured of a lad she met on 18-30s holiday at end of summer. Been in contact a lot on phone and via internet etc Went to stay with some of the people she met on said holdiay....including him (we didn't know about him at the time) at half term and said she stayed in grilfriend's house. She is going to an uni open day his way next week then going on to stay at his for a day or two, coming home on Saturday to work. She did ask but she is 18 and not much I could say whether liked it or not.
Tonight she broke the news that he is coming to see her and stay on that Saturday. She is expecting/hoping he will stay at ours. She also told me he wouldn't be sleeping in any of our two spare rooms (elder sisters have left home) but in her room in her bed. DH v unhappy about this..and to be honest I am not that happy. We may be old fashioned, DH particularly so,but in lots of ways he (and I) support her to the nth degree in all sorts of ways, ....and are happy to do so... but she has only seen this lad once since her holiday and now wants him to come and stay and sleep with her in our home and DH is most uncomfortable with it..and I think I am too. We are not used to boyfriends sleeping over (as in same bed) as the other two simply didn't ask as they knew their dad was uncomfortable with it. Although ED's boyfriend sleeps in same room as her (YD pointed this out) when they come to see us...ED has been going out with him for 6 years and has lived with him for 3 years! (She started seeing him at uni.) YD says that it's not the same, and we should let this lad sleep with her cos she won't have sex with him and doesn't see him otherwise, it's just about being close.
This is typical of her, and DH feels she just has no respect (she doesn't) and to be honest our life with her is a rollercoaster as she is v quick to anger if she doesn't get her own way and sees life in very black and white terms...and if we don't agree with her we are WRONG

Are we being unreasonable? She doesn't have a bad life, we do stuff for her, she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so, she has a large room, does no household chores to speak of and pleases herself pretty well..coming in and spending the majority of her time upstairs online / on her phone. I buy essential clothes and stuff, she buys extras (she has a job) and I pay for her sports activities. But she makes me feel so guilty when I don't cave in. Her last words tonight as I dropped her at her friends for pre drinking (bearing in mind I hadn't drunk so I could take her) were a challenging.., "Would it be the same if I was a lesbian and it was a girl I wanted to sleep in the same bed with?!"
I feel v mixed up and upset...and that I am not handling things well.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Money doesn't mean anything to me. I just wouldn't want people I don't know staying with me.

I don't understand why you didn't move out at 20? Did I miss the bit where you said you had to live with your parents as an adult?

[pinkcoww]

I said I was studying. My mums house was close to uni, saved money since I paid for my own course she didn't expect me to get my own place too.

Offer to get to know him first then? At least compromise with her

[Djelibeyb]

My house my rules. Also she should be doing chores or she will struggle when she moves out if she's not used to/doesn't know how to do washing/ironing etc.

[LeaLeander]

He is a stranger to her family and out of respect for you and your husband should not be flopping into their daughter's bed the minute he arrives at your home.

As the head of the household, it is your prerogative to assign guest rooms and your preference prevails. Period. Regardless of whether she is 18 or 80. (And as Miss Manners says, it also is your duty to ignore whether any guests get "lost" in the hallways in the middle of the night and stumble into the wrong room.) Make up the spare room and direct him there; in fact have your husband carry his bag up there. "Come along, Jonathan, let me show you to your room." See what the young man makes of t hat. If he protests, you can point him to the nearest hotel.

I would have to wonder why she is so fixated on making this point, especially if you have two spare rooms? Why is she so desperate for this boy to sleep in her bed, regardless of whatever they do there? Why is she so desperate for your acknowledgment that she is sleeping with him?

[Headmelt]

Your house, your rules. She's trying it on. YANBU

[MsMims]

He's a practical stranger - you're not at all unreasonable to say no.

If it develops into something more long term, I'm sure you'll reconsider, as you have with her sister.

He is a still a stranger at the moment. She should get to know him properly first (not just through texts) before demanding he shares her bed at the family home.

You wouldn't be doing her any favours by giving into her demands in any case. Stand firm and have much higher expectations from her - it'll make her a better person long term. I'm sorry, but at the moment she sounds terribly spoilt.

[Sundance2741]

The fact is she doesn't really know him and can't vouch for him either, since their relationship has mainly been conducted electronically. So I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about having him stay at all.

Also she is not showing you respect which makes it hard for you to respect her choices/ requests. If you had a different relationship with her and she requested the same thing, you might well respond in a different way.

To me this issue is just a small part of a wider picture. It probably doesn't matter much if he stays or not, in her room or another, in the long term. It's your relationship with her that is causing you grief - this is what you need to sort out.

It sounds to me like you have agreed to things that make you feel uncomfortable, that you have tried (and failed) to please her and keep her on side. Yes she is behaving like a child, but you have been treating her as one. You don't need to avoid her tantrums, you don't need to pay for her activities or give her lifts. Of course you may want to but you need something in return - her respect.

I think you need to sit down and talk and renegotiate with her how things are going to work now she's 18.

[bigTillyMint]

Well, it's your house, your rules. You have to feel comfortable with what is happening under your roof. I completely get how you feel that it is a different scenario than with your ED and her bf. You don't know him at all. Even if he does "sleep" in the spare room, you will spend the whole night worrying about what is actually going on!

I agree with Sundance - I guess you need to talk with her about how things are going to work now she is 18.

Saying this as someone with a 16 year-old DD who has a bf and we are constantly having to decide on what we are happy with. It's a minefield!

[iwantgin]

He isn't a long standing boyfriend. You don't know him.

If they really want to spend the night together then they could always find a local travelodge for £30 or so.

[ParochialE9]

Two DS's here 21 and 19 and DD 17. Our rule (once they passed 16) is long term regular partners are welcome to stay over in their rooms. I wouldn't be happy if it was just an online relationship though!

[Rpj16]

Say no and stand your ground. I was the daughter in this situation when I was 18 (10 years ago) and its so cringey reading this. I wish I had never asked to have a bf over, it is disrespectful towards parents. Especially as he was not very nice. But that's hindsight for you! She may be embarrassed about it when she's older like me, so that's my main reasoning.

I don't know if anyone mentioned it, but would it be different if it was your son with a new gf staying over?

[Onlyonamonday]

My dd2 is 18 and her boyfriend does stay over occasionally in her bed.
Dh wasn't too happy at first but she stays over at his and his family make her feel welcome .. His mum puts out towels etc for her .. So I felt a bit mean / old fashioned.. It was difficult at first but we are used to it now .. I think it's because he seems nice and it's a steady relationship.
I would be putting my foot down if it was someone she'd just met.
Always a difficult one.

[bigTillyMint]

Parochial, what would you class as long-term?

[febel]

Nannophone...she acts like a child...and more. I NEVER swore at my parents, slammed doors so hard they cracked, gave them lip back etc and still wouldn't now. She pushes boundaries all the time. We DO treat our daughters as adults...all 3 of them...but they need to act as an adult. I think our problem is we have given her too MUCH freedom etc and discussed things too much. Can we bear in mind she has spent a total of 9 days with this guy....and 4 of them she lied about and told us she was elsewhere (time and time again I have asked her not to lie but I am afraid, even as a child she would say black is white if it suited her) We have welcomed her other boyfriends into the house, although not really overnight as they haven't needed to (local) and treated them as one of the family. It's the fact this lad is a stranger to us, totally. (looked at his facebook page ofcourse, am hoping it's not all a true picture of him)
pinkcoww.....if you read my original message properly, ED shares a room and a bed with her boyfriend..in fact we bought a double one to make it more comfortable for them as they are not living locally so need to stop over....she has been going out with him for ages, and we KNEW him, were introduced to him...and she didn't want him to come sleep over after 6 or 7 days of face to face contact....

[CwtchMeQuick]

I was exactly like your dd as a teen. While I only have a toddler myself I'm only early 20s so can remember it all well. In general I'm usually of view that adult boyfriends/girlfriends should be allowed to share a bed.
However, I wouldn't be comfortable with this. Youve not met your dds boyfriend yet and I think it's perfectly reasonable to say he has to sleep in the spare room until you know him better. You're being generous enough saying he can stay at your house!
Tell your Dd it's the spare room or nothing at all.

[BuggersMuddle]

I don't think YABU. My parents didn't let my first serious BF stay in the same bed until we had been together quite a while (probably a year) and I probably 20 or very close to 20.

It was different with now-DP, but I was over 21, had been living away from home and we had still been together about 6 months. DP was also very respectful of my parents and they had met him several times socially.

DP's family were more liberal, in that his high school GF stayed over once they were 17, but they'd been together for over a year at that point. Even still, they would have balked at someone they'd never met.

This was 1998 onwards incidentally, so whilst not recent, hardly the dark ages in terms of sexual liberation.

[febel]

Everyone who has answered, thank you so much. and (English teacher having a fit here ...me starting a sentance with and!)...yes, our relationship is rocky and has been up and down for a while. She is rather unpredictable and very quick to anger...been under Cahms until nearly 18 and is on meds for anxiety amongst other things (mainly over exams and academic work I feel) Can be vitriolic when angry, v argumentative and v forceful, and often v tense and wound up...I blame the (over) use of internet myself but I know nothing as I am so old...or so I am told. I find her difficult to deal with at time and watch what I say a lot.
Not had the best of health myself over the past year or so, but like most teenagers she does tend to be wrapped up in HER stuff...but that's ok in a way cos I know a lot can be like that...it's a teenage thing.
It sorrows me that she is like this, and seems to be very influenced by who she is with,occasionally I get a flash of who she used to be..which is someone I got on well with, interested in things, having empathy for others and willing to try things and accept advise. Hopefully she will return to that person one day...don't get me wrong, we love her to bits but she is a difficult teenager who behaves at times in a very head strong way, lies, helps herself to stuff and has no thought or regard for others. (she picked me up from a hospital stay the other day and shouted at me all the way home over something, starting as soon as we left the gates. I was in tears as still felt ill and asked her to take me back, she refused. )
Hey ho..perhaps things will improve when (if) she goes to uni in September.

[AnyFucker]

In this particular situation ?

Not on your life

[ParochialE9]

BigTillyMint what I mean is they know not to bring home someone they've just met at a party! Ds1 has been with gf for 3 years and Ds2 just finished with gf of 11 months. Girlfriends both started staying over after being together a couple of months. Dd has been with bf since beginning June - he first stayed here when we got back from hols mid July and he now stays over at least twice a week.

[FreeWorker1]

Personally, I think if she wants to be treated as an adult you should set up a contract with her like lodger and you the landlady. That's how she treats you so make it formal.

She gets a job and she pays her way. You stop paying for her food, bills, car and clothes and she can have her boyfriend stay. Seems fair.

She might grow up a bit then.

[febel]

Her Ed boyfriend shares a room (and a double bed we bought )... yes...they have been together for 6 years and live together. We knew him by the time he did spend the night. The lad my YD intends to have in her bed, she has known face to face for all of 8 days (5 days on 18-30s holiday and 3 when she said she was staying with a friend...and saw him...up where he lives) The rest fo the relationship has been via electronic means. We have never met him, know nothing of him.
She doesn't respect us particularly, and is very rude and short with us a lot of the time...when we see her and can be q aggressive. Too much screen time I think, but what do I know, I am told I am old.
If she wants something she is nicer...

[AnyFucker]

You would be a mug to allow a virtual stranger to come sleep at your house

It also sounds like she isn't earning any of the priveliges she currently has

[expatinscotland]

Don't be a mug. You're not comfortable with it, it's you who's paying the bills. He who pays the piper calls the tune. You tell her NO, he's not staying over at all. She can get a hotel. She has a job, plenty of spare cash.

'Are we being unreasonable? She doesn't have a bad life, we do stuff for her, she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so, she has a large room, does no household chores to speak of and pleases herself pretty well..coming in and spending the majority of her time upstairs online / on her phone. I buy essential clothes and stuff, she buys extras (she has a job) and I pay for her sports activities. But she makes me feel so guilty when I don't cave in. Her last words tonight as I dropped her at her friends for pre drinking (bearing in mind I hadn't drunk so I could take her) were a challenging.., "Would it be the same if I was a lesbian and it was a girl I wanted to sleep in the same bed with?!"
I feel v mixed up and upset...and that I am not handling things well.'

You need to stop this set up as it isn't doing her or you any favours.