16 year old DD friendship with older boy

[Firefanatic]

DD 16 (very mature for her age) has been very involved in a youth theatre since she was in Junior school. She is one of the lucky ones who is picked for main roles and as a result has many friends who are older than her (age group ranges from 8-21)

She has been an amazingly easy teen- doesn't argue- does as she's told, not particularly moody (unlike her sister who was very tricky until recently.)

She is at a girls' school where she cannot bear the bitchiness and so has few friends there. She gets on very well with the crowd from her youth theatre and sees them alot.

It would appear that she is in a friendship with one lad who is quite a bit older than her.

Not really sure what to do. He seems like a nice lad- works hard- been involved with charity work. But is it weird? My DH and DD1 (18) both think it is.

She has just tried to talk to DH about it and he isn't having any of it.

DD1 says I should be a parent not DD2's friend and stop this friendship.

I really don't know what to do.

I am concerned as I don't want her to get hurt and for her to become distracted from her studies. But I also don't want to put my foot down and say no as I don't want to drive her underground and become secretive (she has form for this.)

If she was a bit older the age gap wouldn't mean a thing but at 16 it seems alot.

I really dont know what to do.

Advice?

[PenguinSalute]

Agree that unless you haven't mentioned an issue, nothing really seems off here. I had much more inappropriate relationships as a teen and think that the worst thing you can do is make a huge issue of it.
I feel a bit sad for your DD actually, sounds like she finds school a bit tricky to fit in at, and has found a good friend through a shared interest where she feels able to be herself, and your DD is calling it creepy and DH won't talk to her about it. I would worry that's making her feel quite isolated when she's not actually doing anything wrong.
Agree with pp 's who suggest trying to get to know him, sounds like it would mean a lot to your DD.

[lljkk]

"DD1 thinks it is weird- says all her friends (18 and 19 year olds) would think it was creepy."

Oh I love this, not a reliable source, sorry. My 2 teens love to tell each other what is & isn't socially cool or naff. They are both fierce about it with completely opposite opinions.

My strategy would be to maintain good lines of communication with the 16yo; make sure she wants to consult in me if she needs to consult anyone.

[RL20]

I had friends that were both boys and girls at that age (and younger). I got along with boys more really, probably because I was a bit tomboyish, but more because I couldn't stand the bitchiness that comes with a group of girls! (Oh I experienced this as I got older). And like you say your daughter can't stand the bitchiness at her all girls school. Maybe talking to this boy is a bit of a relief more than anything, if it's friendship. I got together with a boy who was 20, when I was 16. He turned 21 shortly after. We are still together now, 5 years on. But when I look back I do see a more naive me. It's gone by so fast, and it probably would of been a better idea for me to find myself more, than go into a long term relationship. It was very on/off for the first few years, and each time I was so heartbroken and couldn't see past a life with him. But she'll make her own decisions. Just make sure you are there for her along the way x

[ForalltheSaints]

I'm with the person who suggested inviting him around for dinner. Mind you, even though at that age I had a girlfriend only a few months younger, meeting parents can be difficult.

[Mrsjayy]

Btw dd1 is a bit weird about dd2 she went to her friends house after her Christmas dance dd1 insisted she would get pissed and not turn up to school next day, I don't know 8f dd1 worries or just doesn't like her sister growing up, and getting drunk like she did

[Mrsjayy]

Your eldest is really only worrying what her friends think imo the guy is 20 and has the same interest as your dd2 it really isn't weird and the more you go on about it the worse it will get, I had a 21yr old boyfriend at 17 he didn't harm me or make me do anything I didn't want it didn't last to long I was probably to young for him I couldn't get into pubs or clubs but he was ok.

[chocoluvva]

Hmm. Your DD is still at school whereas her friend is 20 - not even a teenager. Therefore I'd guess that he's quite immature for his age. I can see why your DD would be interested in him. Perhaps he's socially awkward but enjoys being able to impress your DD with the fact of his having more life experience than her.

I can see why your DD1 finds it a bit odd: I think my DD would feel the same about a 20YO seeing a 16 YO. But being friends seems natural when they spend a lot of time together doing a shared interest thing. IME drama groups often lead to close long-lasting relationships.

Does your DD1 know this lad? Sometimes peers have more insight into their peers than we oldies have (generation gap).

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

You can't judge solely on their respective ages. You need to look at how she is in herself, how she's behaving/reacting. What is he like in his own right? What kind of chap is he? Finally what are they like together? Does either of them seem to hold an unfair amount of power? Can you see anything abusive happening?

From your post I'd guess everything seems fine aside from the age gap or you'd have mentioned it. I can understand her fathers issue - but that can happen regardless however your dd1 seems odd. Is she seeing something that concerns her or just being judgemental?

In the end though there is little or nothing you can do. She's old enough to make herherchoices and mistakes. Your role now is to support her through those. Telling her anything when she is a good kid is just going to create a problem that doesn't need to be there. Trust her and keep a quiet eye. Oh, and tell dd1 she is not the parent she's the sister. She can come to you with concerns but she needs to respect your decisions and not be so rude to you.

[bigTillyMint]

seems quite young for a 20 year old

Well then the "age-gap" won't be a "gap" if your DD is mature for her age.

[Sallyingforth]

She has just tried to talk to DH about it and he isn't having any of it.

Why can't DH discuss it reasonably with her? He should be bloody glad she wants to talk - many teens won't.

[spinduchess]

DD1 obviously doesn't like DD2 growing up and is acting out against it.

I have a younger sister, and I struggled aged 20 with my sister losing her virginity at 16. Felt like I didn't have my baby sister anymore.

Id have said similar things to your DD1 when I first met my little sister's boyfriend. Boyfriends and sex were always my thing, because I was the obviously more mature, big sister.

Didn't like sister treading on my toes at first.

[Authentique]

I don't see the problem either. If DD2 tries to talk about this friendship, that's great. I don't understand why your DH wouldn't have any of it when all DD2 is trying to do is be open and honest with her parents. When/if she talks about this guy to you, you could show interest and let her know she's welcoemt o discuss anything. That's a much better way to encourage her to bring up any issues should there be any than saying you won't accept this friendship. Kids this age choose their frineds whether their parens approve or not.

As for DD1, just because she's older doesn't mean she can baby her two years younger sister or tell you how to parent DD2. She is entitled to her opinions on the friendship of course but she's not allowed to dictate how you parent her sister.

[HaveTeaWillSurvive]

weird

[HaveTeaWillSurvive]

Don't think it's wierd at all, 30 maybe but 4 years to a mature 16 year old seems ok. Totally agree with inviting him round then you can see how the dynamic works.

[Firefanatic]

No he's not a weirdo at all- seems quite young for a 20 year old actually.

[Sunna]

DD1 is talking out of her arse.

It's no more unusual today than it was 50 years ago. None of her business anyway, tell her to butt out.

[TheHoneyBadger]

DD1's jealousy will be more to do with you and DD2 than boyfriends.

[HaloItsMeFell]

oh, I've only just seen your post about your own parents! Then I am surprised you even need to ask the question!

[bigTillyMint]

Why is it weird? When I was 16/17, all the boys/men I was friendly with were 19/20.

Have you met him? Have you any reason to think he is a weirdo?

[HaloItsMeFell]

I had a boyfriend who was 4 years older than me from the age of 14. It was not nearly as frowned upon then as it seems to be now, and we were together for 8 years.

At sixteen she is over the age of consent, old enough to legally marry and have a child should she choose to do so, so I think hshe's old enough to be able to date a 20 year old.

She sounds mature and sensible and the boy sounds nice and responsible. Trust your daughter to know her own mind on this one.

[TheHoneyBadger]

invite him over for dinner. meet him, see the two of them together, let him meet you and see and understand your family, listen to your instincts about him and take it from there.

don't let your other dd dictate to you about what is normal not normal or what you or her sister should do.

invite him round - christmas period is a good excuse. see if he can join in with daft family games, see what he's like at the dinner table, see if your dd is embarrassed etc.

would you do this?

[exexpat]

Sounds fine to me. When I was 16 I was in a band with guys about 6 or 7 years older than me. They were much more interesting to hang out with than boys my age (we used to go to gigs, plays, pubs etc together as well as band practice sessions), but I wasn't romantically involved/sleeping with any of them. Even if your DD does develop a relationship with him, a four year age gap doesn't strike me as anything unusual or worrying, particularly if they have met through a mutual interest.

[Shesparkles]

I had a 21 year old boyfriend at 16 and my parents were fine with it. Almost 30 years later we're still good friends. My parents were the most un liberal people going too. Maybe it helped that my parents had a 6 year age gap?
I'm really not seeing the problem between a mature 16 and 20

[Firefanatic]

I know those stories do happen.My Dad met my mum when she was 15! He was the friend of her brother who lied about her age (he said she was 18)

My Dad was 6 years older than her so 22 at the time. They were married for 50 years. (DM died last year.)

When I told DD1 this she said it wasn't weird in those days but is now!